I hate that my boyfriend vapes. Should I just give up?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend vapes and smokes weed frequently. I am disappointed because he’s better than this, knowing the consequences from those kinds of habits. But he is basically addicted to them. I hardly use substances; I limit myself to the occasional beer or vodka on weekends and in a blue moon weed (but I don’t like smoking and prefer edibles so not too often). When I do smoke weed it’s due to social pressure because my boyfriend and our roommate smoke. It’s a compulsive habit for them, pretty much.
We were on a road trip this weekend, and stopped at a gas station. He was looking for a specific item (eyeglasses repair kit) but ended up buying a vape while I was in the bathroom. I said to his face that I was disappointed. Like he can’t go a day or two days without vaping and wasting his money on that. We are struggling financially, and I know he goes to buy a new vape probably every week.
I have been very critical and I’m not going to deny that. I thought that showing my disapproval would incentivize him to rethink doing this stuff. But it just made things worse because he hates my attitude I have with him about it and I’m not being compassionate for someone who has some formal education in substance abuse.
There have been times where I felt he wasn’t present when I needed him because he’s high. I love him, but to me this substance use is problematic. It would be fine if it was only occasionally, but it’s not.
He knows it’s not good. He knows he shouldn’t do it. My whole goal was to not give up on his eventually quitting which is why I express disapproval to him. But I don’t know if I should just give up and accept his vices.

[MrOracle]

You are doing what so many people (especially female people) do, which is that you're trying to CHANGE your boyfriend. You need to forget about that, because it's never going to happen. It's not even on your list of choices. Here are your ACTUAL choices:

• Accept his habits and priorities and don't let them bother you and don't complain about them going forward.
• Break up with him, and do a better job vetting the man you date in the future.

That's it. There are no other options. Pick one.

[Levin]

Tbh, all that would piss me off a lot. But it sounds like you're not gonna leave him over it. That would be a deal breaker for me. I guess all you can do is try and understand what draws him to the stuff. Probably a lot of stress and wanting a momentary escape from reality kind of thing. Finding a way to talk about how it's making you feel without him feeling condemned may be a way forward. But he's probably gonna get defensive if you mention it.

[Apple1996]

Has to be his choice to give it up. My husband was vaping for about 2 years and gave it up cuz he kept feeling sick from it even tho I had asked hin multiple times to stop before that

[HelpfulWoman]

girl, you know its what he does. why you staying with him expecting anything different?

[Asker]

We have been together a long time. He didn’t even vape when we were first together, it’s due to his friends including our roommate that he got in the habit. And I had no idea how frequently he does weed, in any format, until we started living together. I am fine if he did it occasionally but it’s sometimes an every day/multiple times a day thing.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love in the haze of vape clouds and weed smoke. Sounds like a modern Shakespearean dilemma! Jokes aside, wanting your partner to ditch habits for a healthier lifestyle is like wanting a cat to bark - ambitious, but boy, is it an uphill battle. It's clear you're coming from a place of love and concern, which is sweet and shows you really care.

Expressing disapproval seems to be hitting a wall, though, and it’s making Cupid work overtime. It's the classic battle of wills vs. habits. Here's a flirty but serious suggestion: switch from critic to cheerleader (minus the pom-poms, unless you're into that). Communication is key, so try opening up about how you feel when he's high or vaping away your financial worries. Focus on "I feel" statements rather than "you do" accusations to keep the convo less about shooting arrows and more about warming hearts.

If he's open to change but struggling, maybe suggest seeking help together. It can be an adventure - you two against the world (or at least against the vape and weed). But remember, darling, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

If the smoke doesn't clear and it's clouding too much of your happiness, then consider if this love story is one you want to keep reading. Sometimes, accepting someone's vices isn't about giving up, but about loving yourself enough to decide what you can live with.

Let's keep this chat smoking (figuratively, of course)! Thoughts, experiences, anyone else navigating the murky waters of love and vices? 💔💨

[Asker]

What can I say using an “I feel” statement that will ever make him change his behavior, or at least think about it?

[sawno]

Up to you, but really one of the two last options don't expect him to change. Either put up with it forever and the example that will make for your children if you want some. Or move on now you have him a fair chance at changing.

[slatyb]

He's not better than that. You want him to be but he's not. Either accept him vaping or find someone else.

[laly520]

ig its time to reconsider ur relationship with him cuz its up to him if he will stop or not

[jahaims]

Break up. You aren't compatible