Why do people forget about me at work and leave me out?

[Anonymous]

Im never invited to any events, someone forgot to the mailing list and only added me upon request after 5 months, people don’t notice when I’m in the office, don’t try to make conversation with me but make small talk with others and also I’m the only one who is not in the WhatsApp group of our department that plans after work events even though every new intern gets added. Am I just ugly? I’ve been told I have a nice Figure and I dress well so why do people always leave me out. Now some people would say that maybe I’m too quiet and shy but I’ve known other shy coworkers and interns that were added immediately to the group and they are not attractive or flashy in any way. What is it about me that makes people forget about me?

[Anonymous]

It is very, very common to not be popular in the work place or make many friends, if any. I remember going to work at an all women’s facility and being stoked because all the girls were young like me and I really hoped to befriend them. I worked there for 4 years, and in that time I made 2 friends amongst that large staff. I was never invited to outings or events, never included in casual chats and just truly felt outcasted as if something were wrong with me. I remember at one point a coworker was having an engagement party I wasn’t invited to. During my shift literally all the girls were getting ready together with me excluded, music on and having a great time. There were sooo many of these instances to the point I just had to get a thick skin and tell myself I’m not there to make friends. I’m there to get my money and then go live my life. So while I know how much it sucks to be so excluded, you just have to let it roll off your back and remember you aren’t there for them. Look for a new job like I did if you’re unhappy there, even if (like me) you love the job. You’ll never understand them but your peace of mind is top priority.

[Asker]

But do you know why they excluded you?

[Opinion Owner]

Personally I couldn’t think of a reason. The roles at our job didn’t conflict in a competitive nature so it’s not like I could step on anyone’s toes or slight them. I was polite and friendly with all of them (especially in the beginning because I was trying to make friends) so they couldn’t be put out with that. All I could think is that maybe I wasn’t involved with them enough since I’m fairly quiet. The thing is, I wasn’t going to kiss ass for their friendship either. It’s not my personality to chase people, like to keep trying to engage with them without reciprocation, so if that’s what they were wanting then it’s not what they got and maybe that added to their actions towards me. But I was left out of everything, they had group chat on Snapchat and Instagram that I wasn’t involved in or added to. They’d talk openly about it all around me and not even care or notice I was there. Lots of that.

[Asker]

Do you think it could have to do with your looks?

[Opinion Owner]

Nope, because I’m not ugly at all and none of them are drop dead gorgeous either.

[Asker]

Yeah but do you think maybe they wouldn’t have excluded or forgotten about you if you were more attractive?

[Opinion Owner]

I think it came down to being incompatible, because I wasn’t up their ass trying to include myself into their friendships. The turnover rate was pretty normal so we’d get new girls every few months and they always got included. I remember seeing one of the girls befriending a newbie and adding her to the instagram group right in front of me lmao they were ruthless man.

[Opinion Owner]

They just weren’t fucking with me, plain and simple. I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not ugly by any means.

[Asker]

I was not implying you were ugly just maybe not above average

[Opinion Owner]

I never thought you said I was ugly lol I’m just saying my looks were not it. I am not shallow by any means but based off the men I usually put and the friends I have outside of the workplace it actually makes a lot of those women I worked with look below average. No offense to them but it is what it is.

[Opinion Owner]

**usually pull

[Opinion Owner]

Are you thinking that you’re ugly and that’s why these people don’t include you? Just noticing your comments to others.

[Asker]

Not ugly but not attractive either

[Opinion Owner]

I think that’s you in your own head, because are any of them gorgeous? Sure some can be attractive but none of them are show stoppers. On top of that, not everyone chooses their acquaintances based off how they look. Maybe in high school when popularity contests were a thing, but in current time those men and women aren't giving a damn anymore. It’s like saying each of those people are shallow and won’t be your friend because of how you look, and that just isn’t possible. They just aren’t fucking with you, and it’s totally fine.

[Asker]

Considering how immature they are acting it still feels like high school

[Opinion Owner]

Immature how? Are they doing other things?

[Opinion Owner]

If not including you on the WhatsApp or really just in general is what’s immature then I don’t think that’s the right word. It’s a number of other things with mean, fake and rude being right at the top of the list but I don’t think it’s childish. That’s just their preference I guess.

[Asker]

Just their clique behaviour. There is also this new female coworker that just switched to our department that always needs to demonstrate to me that she is so much more desirable than me and flirt with every man in the office despite her being married with kids. She was weird and passive aggressive to me from the very beginning and even ignored my messages on teams, gave me dirty looks for no reason etc etc

[Asker]

Follow me around, try to one up me, stare me down when I walk past or look back at me when she would past me etc.

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn’t say clique behavior is immature, it just isn’t inclusive. I think you just had too high of expectations with these people. For example, you’d expect them to include you how they have with other new colleagues, and the fact that they aren’t feels immature and frustrating. In reality, it was probably not the best to think they’d do that in the first place. People can be disappointing.

As for the woman, I don't know what her deal is but I’d say that’s a separate issue.

[IslaTheWitch]

maybe start to take care of your stuff and don't wait for others to do it for you. If you want to be on the mailing list, learn who is an admin and ask for adding. If you want to be in the WhatsApp group, do the same. Find the group owner and ask to be added. If you want people to notice you, you have to be proactive and visible to them.

no one will take care for you, it's your responsibility

[Asker]

I do take care of my stuff okay? I just don’t want to invite myself to a party we’re I’m not welcomed

[IslaTheWitch]

if you KNOW, not assume, that you are not welcomed it's alright

[Asker]

My question ask WHY and not „what can I do about this?“. Because no one else ever had to take it in their own hands. Trust me I asked

[Asker]

Please. Not adding only one person out of 24 to a WhatsApp group is quite a statement

[IslaTheWitch]

I don't think anyone here can read minds of your coworkers... but you can ask them...

[IslaTheWitch]

It's your assumption and also your decision if you want to base on your assumptions or on the information from the source

[Asker]

If I were attractive this would have never happened to me. And yes, I do put effort into my looks but it’s not enough

[IslaTheWitch]

the real attractiveness comes from the inside, from your natural confidence based on your strengths, self-acceptance and self-love...
It's also something you have to take care of

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, don't say that about yourself! From how you describe it, I don't think your looks are the issue at all. Some workplaces can just be cliquey, you know?

A few thoughts on what might be happening:

- Like you said, if you're shy it may be hard for them to get to know you well enough to include you naturally. Extraverts tend to stick together.

- Could be subtle jealousy or intimidation since you said you're good looking. Mean girls act like that sometimes.

- Older coworkers may assume you don't want to socialize with them since you're younger.

- If the core group's been together awhile, they've formed habits of including the "usual" people without thinking.

I'd say try smiling and initiating more when you're around. Even something small like "hey how's it going?" when you pass by desks shows interest. Or bring treats to share so they remember your name more. Don't take it personally - their loss for missing out on how awesome you seem! You'll find your people.

[Asker]

Im not good looking I’m just not bad looking. Also, EVERYONE else is included eben younger interns that have only been there for a week or so

[Asker]

And also introverted ones

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh, that does make it seem even more personal then, if literally everyone else is included. That's so rude of them!

In that case, it could be that someone there just personally doesn't like you for some weird reason and is influencing others. Or maybe they see you as potential competition. People can be so catty!

I wouldn't take it to mean there's anything actually wrong with you though. It's more a reflection of their insecurities or issues.

Keep your head held high - you seem like a catch! Maybe start putting out some feelers elsewhere too, in case a better opportunity opens up where you'll be valued.

For now keep polite small talk like you have been, but don't go out of your way too much more for people who aren't reciprocating. You deserve to feel included, girl! Their loss. Better things are coming, I know it 💖

[handsomelad70]

You likely don't make enough of an impression, which you will have to change to get anywhere at work.

[Asker]

Do you think this wouldn’t have happened to me if I was conventionally attractive?

[Asker]

You’re telling me I don’t make enough of an impression but even interns that hardly talk, don’t join for lunch and have only been there for one week are added to tve group

[handsomelad70]

Exactly my point.