What do you do when the person you love doesn’t love you back?

[LostandFound__x]

I’m dumping my feelings on the internet again lol.

I don’t know how to move on I guess and I’ve never been in this situation before.

I first saw this guy back in 2022 and I liked him the first time I saw him. There was tension between us and eventually he made a move and we spoke…. months later and I had a boyfriend.

I wasn’t happy in my relationship but I chose my boyfriend at the time over him because it felt safe. I told him I had a boyfriend.

Months after I ended my relationship I kept bumping into the guy again. I told him I wasn’t with my boyfriend anymore and we started speaking. I fell for him so hard…

We didn’t get into a relationship because before we had the chance he ended things with me out of nowhere. It sucks because I’ve never liked someone the way I liked him - he felt different… and I knew he liked me too.

I think what’s worse is he said some really hurtful stuff this still sting - like mentioning an ex and saying he wished he could go back in time and never speak to me. It still really hurts because to me our time spent together meant a lot.

I was afraid I had fallen in love with him. And I think I have because it’s been about 6 months and I still haven’t moved on. He has chosen not to salvage things with me and has stopped coming to the gym (where we met) and I’m afraid he’s avoiding me.

It just really sucks. I’m focussing on so much more in my life but I miss him all the time. I can’t understand why he flipped on me and why he doesn’t want me, but I guess that’s just the way things are…

Updates

1 mo

A lot of you are curious about what provoked him to say those hurtful things. Guys I actually don’t know. He was a nice guy until he decided to end things and I didn’t see it coming! He switched into a completely different person and he was very heartless and rude.

[Keyboardkat]

Lost and found, I really feel for you! I really do, because I've been there and I know how painful a broken heart really is. The loss of a relationship - even one that never really got off the ground - is experienced by the brain just like a death in the family. And your ex is the one who has "died" to you, because basically, they're lost to you. So you must go through a process of grieving and mourning for the lost relationship and for the person him or herself, before you can even think of moving on and finding someone else. And this process cannot be rushed.

Sometimes there's a tendency to rush into dating others too soon, but that is a terrible thing because what you're really doing is using the other person as a band-aid, while the other person my be actually falling for you. And when you're feeling better and you rip the band-aid off, you can really hurt someone nice, and that is NOT a fair thing to do to someone. I was guilty of this myself some fifty years ago, and so many times I have wished I could find that girl just so I could apologize to her and ask forgiveness, but after such a long time, I don't know how I would be received, and she may be married, etc.

So don't do it! Don't date anyone for a year, maybe longer. Do something else. Work on your abs, take a trip, take up a musical instrument, learn a new language, take a course, whatever interests you. But don't date until you're heart is healed. You'll know when you're ready. When you can hear his name without feeling a stab in the gut or a kick in the stomach, when you can see him coming down the street without having to cross to the other side to avoid him, when that song no longer makes you weep, when you can stop obsessing over him, you'll know! And then you'll be ready.

If he didn't want you, that's HIS loss! You are a worthwhile person and there's someone out there who would love you and cherish you and appreciate you for who you are. I wish you the best! May you be blessed!

[LostandFound__x]

Thank you! It’s starting to feel like the memories I replay in my head were made up and never really happened…like he was surreal…

[Keyboardkat]

At some point in the future, this whole experience will become simply a chapter in your life that was, but you won't obsess over it anymore. You won't forget it, or him, but it will be like a wound that healed.

[LostandFound__x]

I hope so

[blueonblack22]

You can’t control other people’s feelings including love.

Also I am wondering what motivated him to say “like mentioning an ex and saying he wished he could go back in time and never speak to me”’.

Only a pure sociopath would say something like that without provocation. Are you sure you aren’t leaving out a few details about what you said and/or did to him?

Anyway you have two things warping your judgment on this guy:

Challenge: he is not higher value just because he rejected you. You are not lower value for being rejected. You can’t tie your self worth to one man’s opinion.

Ego: ties in closely with challenge. But your ego is screaming that “this isn’t fair and this isn’t right!” You can’t expect him to think the same way he does. Especially when it comes to love and attraction.

Anyway I am sorry you went through this. But if he really did say those horrible things to you (with no provocation, right?) then that really says at lot about him. Same guy would like cheat on you and/or physically abuse you if you kept dating him.

Do not convince yourself you can “change” him because you won’t.

[LostandFound__x]

Thank you! What do you mean by provoke him?

To be honest I think he said those things out of insecurity but it still really stabs today.

[blueonblack22]

Did be say those things in the heat or an argument? Did you insult him before that?

Men have their own dark malicious thoughts and ideas but most of us keep it bay knowing it’s just our anger. We know how much harm it can cause someone to say that unprovoked. And yes it’s insecurity.

Anyway this guy might be a sociopath. I really hate how women so easily fall for that bullshit. Like his abuse makes him “more masculine and real” or some bs. These guys always seem to ultimately get what they want out of women.

He is just validating your own insecurities with that abuse. But that doesn’t mean your insecurities are the truth.

[LostandFound__x]

Well I guess he was too scared to speak to me in person - bear in mind I was seeing him almost every day. I eventually got sick of it and confronted him about it and said I didn’t want to waste my time anymore. I admit I could’ve gone about it better if I had known he was going to take it that way…

Anyways he ended things with me right there and then with no explanation.

[LostandFound__x]

I tried to explain that I didn’t want things to end and he was hurting me but he ended them anyways :)

[blueonblack22]

@LostandFound__x painful reading this because it echoes an eerily similar experience I went through years ago.

One way or another he didn’t want to be a relationship anymore. But he needed a trigger to bring down the axe. He had unresolved hang ups over his last ex.

Just remember you are in live with the IMAGE of how you wanted things to be. I imagine there were some very positive moments you are wistful about.

But it isn’t reality. Honestly I found that the few moments I communicated with one ex ironically helped me move on. Because I would remember the things I didn’t like about her and the positive image would seem false.

It all boils down to the fact your brain is lying to you. But I understand how that’s extremely hard to get over. Personally the one ex I’m hung up literally talked to me like I was less than human at point. Like she was complaining to a confidante about me and I was standing right in front of her.

I didn’t want to believe she believed that. She once told me I was “a good man to the core”. But she did mean it and that’s HER. Her selfish pos opinion and decision to express it like that. She’s not God. That’s not God’s opinion of me nor most other peoples judgment.

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah I totally agree. The fact that he hasn’t tried to salvage things and he’s avoiding me, knowing how much I liked him, kinda slaps me into reality

[blueonblack22]

@LostandFound__x he made that decision a long time ago before you even realized it. There were red flags but you didn’t see them. Because you didn’t want to.

Just take this as a hard but necessary lesson. I know it’s hard to accept that but there is nothing you can do about It.

Also I know what it’s like wanting to believe someone else didn’t mean the nasty things. I know what it’s like wanting to believe otherwise. But you have accept that: 1) right or wrong he really does believe what he said 2) that is only HIS opinion and fuck his opinion. His opinion of you is not the world’s opinion of you. No.

[LostandFound__x]

I think he never had the intention of being with me. It just revealed his true intentions.

Thank you!

[blueonblack22]

@LostandFound__x yep. He likely used you out his own ego. He was too selfish to break it off earlier nor would his ego let you down respectfully. Also I hate to say this but it’s easier for men to seduce women they feel “so so” about. They are less worried about what the other girl thinks or not. Women mistake that for confidence. It’s not. Not at all. It’s just selfishness.

So one of two things will happen now: he will later have life long guilt about how he handled that (if he’s a normal person) OR if he as sociopath he won’t feel any regret at all. But don’t hold your breath hoping for the former. Good chance he’s the latter.

The former will be his own cross to bare. But the latter is someone you want NOTHING to do with. Nothing. He can never be trusted If he’s a sociopath. Ever.

It’s estimated that 5% of the human population are sociopaths. There is a spectrum about that group. Some of them still feel empathy/guilt but not as strongly as normal person. Then other side they feel no guilt at all because life is all about them.

But you can NOT change people like that. You can only watch out for them (and they can be charming and sneaky) and avoid them at all costs.

I beginning to wonder my one ex might have been a sociopath. But she was so in love with the FANTASY of who she thought I was that she convinced me otherwise. But once she accepted that fantasy (she created in her own mind) wasn’t reality then I quickly became expendable. Simply because she had no use for me anymore. So she believe she was self justified to treat me like I was then human. No regrets. No guilt. And I want NOTHING to do with her given she’s like that.

[LostandFound__x]

I think a lot of the time men view me as an ego boost. But nobody really likes me for who I am…

[blueonblack22]

Somebody likes you for who you are. But you are accepting the wrong kind of men in your life. There were other red flags with that guy but you wanted to see the best in him.

I get the optimism. But the acid test was to watch how he treats people who are of no benefit to him. Was he decent to other people just for the sake of it? Or did he only act that way because there was something in it for him?

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah see I have no idea how he treats other people

[blueonblack22]

Sounds like you didn’t know this guy that well. You are letting your mind fill in the blanks to be how you WANTED him to be. That’s dangerous.

[LostandFound__x]

Yes I didn’t know him well at all

[blueonblack22]

Well it was a hard lesson.

@LostandFound__x you to take some self accountability for enabling that asshole. I keep repeating that does NOT justify his actions. However you had an option to get out of that and choose to stick around.

Anyway admitting fault doesn’t mean admitting defeat. But I’ve see several women refuse to take accountability and instead grow bitter and hate all men. Don’t use him as an example of all men.

But in the future you need to speak up and be ready to walk (and mean it) if men do this bs to your. Some men might be unaware they are acting wrong and will course correct. Other guys like this pos need to be cut off and cut off quickly. You will NEVER change something like that.

I know your ego is screaming for justice and fairness. But maturity is what tells your ego to stfu, accept the ugly reality and deal with it accordingly.

[blueonblack22]

Made a lot of typos above. But I think you get it.

Forgive yourself for this mistake but don’t ever tolerate this bs from some else again. If you get a bad feeling about it calmly but directly speak up about it. If he’s a decent man he will own up to it. If he’s an abusive pos he won’t (or worse gaslight you).

Also remember your brain is lying to you if think a guy is more attractive just because he’s “a challenge”. It’s human instinct to believe that “hard to get it higher value”. But don’t let it misguide you mistaking disrespect for “challenge”. There is a fundamental difference there. Clear one.

[LostandFound__x]

I know what you’re trying to get at but there were no red flags and he was a very sweet kind guy until the moment he ended things. I truly wasn’t expecting it.

[blueonblack22]

You just told me he was literally talking about shooting holes in the wall.

No there were red flags. I’m sure he had his sweet and charismatic moments (that you really enjoyed). But your gut knew of the risk. But the feel good emotions overpowered that.

It’s okay to own up to that. Really it is. Admitting that doesn’t make you permanently naive nor powerless. Women can have ego problems too. And “ego” is often misconstrued as overbearing, cocky, bitchy, etc. Those behaviors may come from a bad ego but an ego can also make you intentionally play dumb/naive. I never underwood that until recently.

[LostandFound__x]

I’ve been with a “charming” guy with red flags before and I can tell you I don’t like it anymore. I learned my lesson. This was years ago lol.

[thatshydork]

What caused him to say that he wished he never met you?

Anyways, not really the point of the question I guess. How I move on from someone is I find someone else to crush on. Doesn’t have to be someone I know in real life, could be a celebrity crush or something. I also take time to allow myself to move on and forget about that person. If I find myself thinking about them, I think ‘nope, we’ve already felt all the feelings we can feel there’ and imagine tossing the thought of them into a bag and closing it.

[LostandFound__x]

He said he wish he never approached me and we never spoke because he was ending things. Ahhhh it really really sucks. Makes me feel like shit.

Thanks. I’ll try that.

[Rei13]

You’re taking the first step by getting these thoughts out even if it’s on the internet. Let yourself mourn the loss. It’s going to hurt but eventually you do move on. Are you able to go to a different gym? That way you’re not going somewhere that you associate with him. It’s not good to constantly look for someone in the places you frequent.

[LostandFound__x]

Thank you!
He stopped going to that gym so I’m not seeing him anymore

[AviatorTom]

Not much. You can't change what another person feels or does.

Best for you is to break it off and fi e someone who will love you in return. It's not easy but it is the best thing to do.

[zeitgeist057]

I remind myself of the simple fact: "I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me."

It's simple and true, and helps to get over someone who isn't interested in you.

[ManOnFire]

Rough situation there. But the likely answer is in him mentioning his ex. I'm willing to bet he never got over her, and willing to bet the reason he broke up with you is because there was an opportunity for him to go back to her. And that's probably why he's avoiding you. Some advice for the future: if you ever meet another guy who starts talking deeply or passionately about an ex, especially in a longing way, and especially more than once, don't get into a relationship with him. Because he will never truly like you until or unless he's put all that in the past, and please do not wait around for that either.

I remember you commented on one of my Takes and I think you're probably a nice girl who wants a good relationship and is serious about it. My advice is to keep your head up and try to free your heart of him. I know there's pain and the memories are sweet and he seemed like The One, but people disappoint all the time and those sweet things about them end up meaning nothing later on if they don't love you. And also? If he ever tries to come back, don't let him back in. Any time someone is coming back is because - very likely - something didn't work out with the person they left you for. Don't be recycled goods for them.

[LostandFound__x]

Thank you!!

He never mentioned an ex until that one conversation. It caught me by surprise because he didn’t seem like he had much relationship experience lol…also before that he was always very careful not to hurt my feelings so I was surprised.

[ManOnFire]

@LostandFound__x Guys can surprise you by seeming like they have no relationship experience. I can't tell you how many male friends I've known who seemed like they were inexperienced with sex and dating but then threw me a curveball when they told me about girls they fucked or exes they had.

I think the guy you were seeing probably had her on his mind for a long time.

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah probably

[TonyMetal___86]

In my opinion, if it was me, i'll have this feeling like i'm being used as a spare tire, when she had a boyfriend, she wasn't interested in me but when they broke up, she accepted me and trying to be with me...

I know that it's a wrong thought but can't help thinking about it if i was in his place...

If you haven't met him before, broke up and than met him, things might have been different...

Don't fall in love for someone who doesn't love you back because you will just bring more pain to yourself...

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah I can see that I guess but it’s not true. It was just bad timing

[TonyMetal___86]

I know princess rapunzel, i know what's in your heart and mind but he doesn't...
Also it's only a guess, it might be for another reason!

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah tbh even before you said that I know it played a role. I could tell he was insecure the entire time

[TonyMetal___86]

He can't be blamed miss alyssa, i do know you from years and know a lot of things about you and everything you have been through, also i know how pure and good you are, a lovely lady 😊, but for someone who met you recently and knows nothing about you, he shouldn't be blamed for making wrong assumptions...

[LostandFound__x]

Thank you :)

[TonyMetal___86]

You're welcome 😌

[Anonymous]

I’ve heard that it usually takes half the time you’ve known someone to get over them, and it’s even harder if they were very impactful on your life. You have to be patient with yourself, allow yourself to have those difficult moments without feeling shame or frustration because you want to be over it already. In those times, try to remind yourself of why things are better as they are, work towards forgiving him while also forgiving yourself. Hard times have no choice but to pass because we can’t be stagnant forever, so despite how bad you feel sometimes, just keep in mind that it’s not forever.

[Awesomesauce2005]

Personally, i have never encountered a woman (that im not related to) who has actually liked me back. Im not sure why because I am known by all my friends to be nice, honest, generous and caring. I held the door for every girl i have gone on a date with i complimented them on thir beauty I've had good manners at the table and I always pay the bill! I just get taken advantage of all the time

[LostandFound__x]

Aw I’m sorry to hear that. You’ll find someone some day

[Awesomesauce2005]

Here lately for some reason lots of gay dudes want to hook up with me and i have to explain to them that im not gay lol

[LostandFound__x]

Loooool omg you win some you lose some

[superchan2011]

Well it sounds like to me based on what you said that somewhere along the way he decided that he wanted his EX back. You don't wanna be involved with someone who's still pining over their ex. Chances are he would eventually break up with you for his ex if you guys did get together. So if he doesn't love you back or express interest anymore then move on and you'll eventually find someone who does recriprocate your feelings the whole time and doesn't wanna go back to their EX.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to him about you felt, like honestly telling him? A lot of guys would benefit from a woman just being honest about her feelings, but also that might make it too easy for him

[LostandFound__x]

When he ended things with me I told him that I didn’t want to and what he was doing was very hurtful. He then asked me if I had feelings for him and I said I can’t answer that because he's ending things with me.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you need to get back in touch and explain your feelings because maybe he thought you didn’t have any and that’s the only thing that would’ve stopped him ending it, and that’s the reason he asked!!

[LostandFound__x]

You really think so? Can men be that complicated?

[Opinion Owner]

Why wouldn’t they be? I’m a man and I’m saying it, we’re the same species lol

[Opinion Owner]

I personally had breakups with a thought process much more complicated than I’ve described here so yeah men can be that complicated, most men are dumb though and don’t even use the head on their shoulders to think with

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah I think I’ve mostly come across the dumb ones haha

[Opinion Owner]

The overwhelming majority of men are emotionally inferior to women, intelligence is not just IQ but also emotional intelligence, and when you combine the two the average woman far surpasses the average man in overall in intelligence

I think this causes most relationship issues that the modern woman faces lmao

Unfortunately the men with high emotional intelligence are either the sad poet types or they develop this stoic personality so the latter is impossible to detect for women and the former is not for every woman

[Opinion Owner]

Hey so I reread your question and realized I didn’t understand something at first… the hurtful stuff he said, that shows that it’s a him problem, not a you problem, an emotionally mature man wouldn’t say such things to a woman he loved

[LostandFound__x]

Yeah it’s quite rare to meet an emotionally intelligent man unfortunately but I hope I do one day.

Thanks…it’s definitely a him problem because I didn’t say anything to provoke that :(

[Opinion Owner]

You will as long as you keep looking and refuse to settle, you seem like a great lady who deserves it

Yeah that’s really uncool of him to speak to you like that, completely uncalled for and in my opinion a man should not say that stuff to a woman he supposedly has or had feelings for

[LostandFound__x]

I’m glad another male realises how messed up that was and it’s giving me hope that no guy will speak to me like that again after leading me on lol

[Opinion Owner]

Oh guys are pretty messed up, I used to have tons of guy friends that treated women poorly, one time it got too much and I cut every single one of them out of my life

Thing is these guys are deceivers, they’ll pretend to be good and then one day they hit you with stuff like this and it comes as a big surprise but then you think back and there’s little hints you over looked, it’s a classic story

[LostandFound__x]

I think I’m still in denial that he’s one of those guys. I thought he was so sweet and kind… 😂

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think maybe he was going through something mentally and lashing out? It still doesn’t excuse it because I have my own issues but I never lash out at anyone I care about 😂

[LostandFound__x]

I really don’t know but he hasn’t tried to salvage things with me since so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mean on the very same day he ended things he saw me out with my friend and followed me but that was about it

[Opinion Owner]

He followed you? That’s creepy as hell! Did you ever feel unsafe?

[LostandFound__x]

lol it wasn’t in a creepy way. He wanted to speak to me but I left when I saw him straight away. I also have an ego.

[Opinion Owner]

Haha ok that’s not so bad then! You deserve to have an ego you’re an awesome chick, use that ego to your advantage

[LostandFound__x]

Thanks lol. My ego came out after what he said to me

[Opinion Owner]

Good it should’ve, women who don’t take any crap are the best lol your next boyfriend is going love it when you keep him on his toes

[LostandFound__x]

Lol I seem to push them away when I do that 😭 but it’s my personality I can’t help it

[Opinion Owner]

Just find a guy who really likes it! 😂

[LostandFound__x]

Haha it has to be that way

[Opinion Owner]

Personally as a guy I think it’s great 😂 so there must be other guys out there that match your type that also think so!

[LostandFound__x]

Haha really what do you like about it?

[Opinion Owner]

I like that you seem intelligent and fun at the same time, and you take care of your looks and are critical of men so you’re showing you’re picky, I also like that you seem proud of who you are and show assertiveness, I’m sure there’s a lot more than this to you by the way I don’t wanna make it seem like that’s all there is lol

[LostandFound__x]

Wow haha it’s so nice to see someone appreciate me for who I am 😭 thank you

[Opinion Owner]

Well you deserve to be appreciated! I hope you find someone who gets to know you really well and appreciates every moment he’s discovering who you are! You’re welcome by the way :)

[LostandFound__x]

Aw thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

You’re welcome! :) I really hope everything works out!!

[robhazelnut]

Article title- What Is True Love? A Deeper Insight

https://isha.sadhguru.org/en/wisdom/article/what-is-true-love

[exitseven]

The only way to deal with it is to do other things. File this away and think of it as being a past relationship.

[LostandFound__x]

That sounds good. Thanks.

[katiesmuff]

Move on is about the only sad choice that there is!

[Rohaan2020]

What can we do besides feeling sad and accepting the fact… it’s painful though

[LostandFound__x]

It is :(

[Rohaan2020]

I can feel you bcz even m going through the same🙂🙂

[LostandFound__x]

Really? Tell me about what happened to you?

[Rohaan2020]

I've pinged you

[LostandFound__x]

Alright I’ll reply when I finish work

[sheikalana]

You accept that they don't love you and move on.

[Bobby88t]

I think he moved on and thats egy avoid you.. life goes on and maybe you should forget him because you won't see the tru love

[red324]

Beats me. The people we really like never seem to stick around.

[normalice]

It isn't really love if you didn't know enough about them to know they didn't love you

[strateguy632]

i just show my love and hope we stay together

[Anonymous]

Move on.

There are roughly 4 billion women on the planet. Why would I waste energy on one that has no interest in me.

[Opinion Owner]

Everyone has been where you're at at least once in thier life. One woman broke me for a whole year.
My advice to you is think of all his bad points. Play them in your head in an endless loop. You have to retrain your brain to to not be attracted to him.

[Luckycharms12]

Move on someone will love you the same way and it will be amazing

[SolitarySolace]

i move on. However I don’t have female friends by choice and prefer to avoid women I find attractive.