I almost got involved in an affair and now I can’t date anyone without feeling disgusted with myself?

[Anonymous]

I’m 20M, I was desperate to lose my virginity, and I started talking to an older woman online. She told me she had a husband but I thought nothing of it at the time because I was desperate for validation from someone. We sexted for a few weeks and I eventually agreed to meet up for sex despite knowing she was married. She eventually stopped messaging me before we could meet up and that was it. We never ended up meeting.

It’s only just hit now just WTF I nearly did. I know people will say nothing happened, but the issue is that SHE stopped messaging ME. If she hadn’t stopped messaging me I know I probably would’ve gone through with it and the thought absolutely terrifies me. The fact that I nearly ruined someone’s marriage purely for my own validation makes me sick.

I’ve tried to start dating again but I can’t bring myself to do it because I feel like an absolute monster. My best friend is a girl and I feel like if she ever found out about this she’d disown me. I’ve tried putting it past me but I keep worrying that this will somehow eventually come out and destroy my entire social life

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude I totally get why you'd be feeling disgusted with yourself right now. That was a super messed up thing to almost do and cheat on someone else's relationship. I'm sure it's making you question your character.

But try not to be too hard on yourself - we've all done dumb stuff when we were desperate, and it sounds like you didn't actually go through with meeting up, so no permanent damage done.

The best thing now is to learn from this experience. Focus on developing your self worth from within, not from getting validation from others. And in future relationships, commit fully to being honest and faithful.

As for dating again, give it some time. You don't want to bring these guilty feelings into a new connection. But don't write yourself off either - once you've processed this mistake more, you'll be ready to meet someone great.

Tell your best friend if you're close like that. Own what you almost did, but also say you're working on being better. A real friend will support your growth.

You've got your whole life ahead still. This blip doesn't define you unless you let it. Be kind to yourself - and to others in love - from now on. You've got this man.

[mobiusforniner]

The important part of accountability is not being perfect, but learning and growing. I engaged in an affair several years ago, at a point where I was not happy with my life. I'm not particularly proud of it, but it was an important lesson on life, love and happiness. The lessons learned have significantly changed my life, marriage, and relationships for the better. It's not your perfection that defines you. It's how you approach, grow, and learn from mistakes that defines you going forward.

It's actually a good thing you recognize your actions and the impact it has on others. That tells me you have self awareness. Accept, own, and move forward, not backwards.

[Anonymous]

You’re not a bad person, you just made a bad decision. By grace you have been saved from following through on that decision. You’re still young — heck just last year you were still a teenager! And you’re still learning and growing, so let this be an important life lesson.
You don’t need to lose your virginity in order to be validated. It’s not going to make you more of a man, and having sex with just any random person is not going to make you happy. Sex is supposed to be meaningful, and should be an experience you share with someone you trust and value.

[Avicenna]

Just treat it as a lesson learned and not repeat it.