Am I the one who is the problem?

[Anonymous]

I need advice from people who aren't my friends. I've never really had luck in relationships, but I have learned from them. I will admit that I do settle for people who aren't really on my level. My current boyfriend at the moment is younger than me which I thought was a plus. He is a man child (38) who still lives at home with his parents. He doesn't have a job and keeps talking about an inheritance he will receive shortly so he doesn't have to work. If we go out to eat, he always orders the most expensive thing on the menu along with lots of drinks. We split the bill 50/50, but it always bothers me. Each time he comes over to my house, he treats me like his mother and a maid. Our relationship has only been a month and he's already leaving me his laundry, drinking all my beer in the fridge, sleeps during the day, and plays video games at night and doesn't do anything to make up for it. I will admit, the sex is amazing, but I feel like maybe I can have that with other guys, I'm not sure. I haven't been in many relationships.

I have communicated with him about my feelings, but I'm not listened to. He is good at telling me what I want to hear in the moment. I have an inside voice that keeps saying to just let things go and don't make it into a big deal. I want a partner in my life, someone I can build a life with. Someone who has goals and is employed and independent. He isn't any of those things. He's mooching off his parents I feel like, his mom does everything for him. He wants to move into my house with me which would be great to share bills with and stuff. I just don't see it being that way. I feel like he's already mooching off of me and sex is pretty much the only thing I get out of it. I realize that no one is perfect and maybe with time he can be the man I need and want in my life. I'm trying to be as objective as I possibly can describing this relationship. Should I move on and let him go?

[HollyK21]

Let me start by saying that I’m naturally blunt so please don’t take a thing I say on a personal level, because I have no intent of hurting your feelings.


So here’s the thing, you know this man is a mooched but have done a lot of justifying and accommodating to make up for it. You’ve been with this guy for one month, just one, and look at all that you’re signing up to deal with. Personally I would not be waiting around for some mystery inheritance that you have no proof even exists and no crystal ball as to when the person will pass away for your boyfriend to inherit it.


Already dating a younger man can be seen as taboo, but at least let him be established and bringing something to the table. This man has absolutely nothing to offer you but physical intimacy and a distraction from the loneliness. Sure it’s nice having those things, but at what cost? This guy is a bum, if I were you I’d be embarrassed to even mention how much caretaking I’ve done for him as if I’m his new mother. Then to do things like split the bill when yours would probably be $20 while his is $75 is just nonsensical.


You can do a lot better for yourself than this. Having a partner is great but it’s not everything, definitely not worth what you’re putting up with now.

[HollyK21]

Meant to say moocher

[Asker]

This def didn't hurt my feelings. I appreciate and need to read the "bluntness". He literally brings nothing to the table. I keep hoping things will change and deep down I know that they won't. Sex and not feeling lonely is all I am getting out of this.

[HollyK21]

No problem! I know the dating scene can be bleak, especially as we get older but please don’t settle. You are mature, established with your career and in life, you need a man who’s on your level of not better.

I have a relative who’s just like your boyfriend. He’s 34, has been in a relationship with his girlfriend now for 6 years and hasn’t worked since the first year. Their relationship has become so tumultuous, now she’s afraid to kick him out because he has nothing, but hates having him around because he does nothing. All he wants to do is play video games and drink while she works a 9-5. That is not something you’d want to deal with, and this guy is leading you straight down that sort of path.

He’s going to think that as long as he keeps you attached with good sex and a body to lay with, you’ll stay no matter how much you complain or fuss. Already he’s used to disregarding what you say and it’s only been a month.

[StarWarGirl]

You should not be with this guy.

I don't know how to explain it to you but definitely he isn't the right partner for anyone with the mindset he is having now and with this attitude it's difficult for him to go anywhere.

Life is a long term process and no matter how much money you have at start, it's all going to get end sooner. Life also always takes unexpected turns so one who isn't even intrested to learn swimming could never survive for longer. And so even would fail to protect his family.

This guy is going to be only burden over you with this kind attitude and proudness. So You should better cut off before it's too late.

[StarWarGirl]

It can be possible that luck may support him and he remains rich forever but still you wouldn't be able to feel proud of him whenever you would see him. You would always feel like disappointment whenever you would be looking at him. And like this you wouldn't be able to stay happy in this kind of relationship. You are not this kind person for whom nothing matters but only money. But you are kind of girl who live life for a purpose so you couldn't be satisfied with this kind life what he is going to bring to you.

[Oliverlogan263]

OMG girl, this sounds so frustrating. I know it's not what you want to hear, but he is way too much of a man-child and moocher for this to be a healthy relationship. From what you described:

- He's 38 and still living at home with parents with no job and future plans, that's a major red flag

- Him ordering the most expensive things and splitting 50/50 even though he doesn't work is so unfair to you

- Leaving his laundry and drinking your beer without contributing is not what a partnership is about

- Only wanting sex and not listening when you bring up how his behavior affects you is super inconsiderate

I know it's hard to let go when the sex is good. But believe me, you can find a guy who treats you right AND satisfies you in bed too. You deserve a real partner who has their life together and wants to enhance yours too, not drag you down. Don't settle for less just because you haven't had much relationship experience yet, girl!

You've already tried talking to him and nothing changed, so it's time to let your walls down and walk away with your self-respect still intact. The right man is out there for you - don't waste more of your precious time on this loser! You've got so much to offer, don't settle. You've got this!

[ImalwaysrightOK]

Dump him now. There was way too many red flags in your description of him.

[HateyouxD]

So you know once this inheritance money comes through he's not going to get any better. Break up with this loser guy

[Theworldislost]

He's younger at 38? What kind of relationship/ commitment are you looking for out of a partner?