Does an engagement take nearly 3 years?

[Anonymous]

My family and friends are very worried for me. There is no wedding date set up yet. My fiance keeps postponing our wedding date and there seems to be no real good reason anymore. The last time it was because of a job promotion he needed to get and the other time it was because he wanted to wait till I got my Master's degree. That already happened and now it's getting postponed again for 6 months.

I'm now wondering if moving in together was a bad move from the very beginning. Even though I've established a timeframe from the start that I wouldn't be a girlfriend for more than 2 years (after that, it was either breaking up or engagement), now I'm feeling as if he might have proposed just to keep me. I feel like he went a step further and instead of ''keeping a girl as a girlfriend for years'' went on to ''keeping her as a fiancee so she shuts up''. I don't feel secure anymore. It's weird. I have my ring and yes I'm his fiancee but I'm feeling no different than being downgraded to girlfriend status; basically no different than the ''forever girlfriend''.

Does an engagement really take nearly 3 years (it's been 32 months in total now)? I always thought being engaged was for a short time, more like a brief review of our whole relationship. We don't have children. I don't want to get pregnant without getting married but now it feels like I might be wasting my time. I just turned 30 last week.

Updates

+1 y

I would like to add that he's been pushing for kids a couple times last year. I don't know want to without the wedding taking place though.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

As for me I always say marriage is like a hurricane there is a lot of blowing in the beginning & when it’s all said & done your house is gone. When it come to rings it’s all about the three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring & suffering. As for me I always say a blowjob a day keeps side chicks away & when it comes to sex if you aren’t having it or enough of it in a relationship it probably means you are having it outside of the relationship.

As for love it’s a wonderful thing & when it comes to an engagement there shouldn’t be a timeframe & when it comes to marriage I always tell people if you are going to get married you should get married for the right reasons & not the wrong reasons.

As for you I think you should do him a favor & hand him back the ring & call off the engagement because it seems like marriage is the only thing you want & you are putting marriage above the whole relationship itself.

I’ll be honest with you & I shouldn’t be saying this but if you & I were in a relationship & you set a timeframe & told me that you wouldn’t be my girlfriend for more than two years & it’s either breakup or engagement I would of broke up with you after saying that.

As for living together I think it’s a wonderful thing & I love hearing marriages fail because the married couples can’t get along after moving in with each other after marriage & I always say if you can’t play house before a marriage you probably won’t be able to play house after the marriage.

I wish you the best of luck on this one.

[Asker]

I always thought it's important to set up a timeframe. Otherwise what would be the solution for other women that are in a relationship for many years (5-8 years or more) and are worried about the man not marrying them nor having kids within a marriage? Are my wishes of not wanting to be a man's girlfriend for 5+ years valid too? I don't want to have kids unmarried. Are my own wishes and feelings about it not valid either?
Why is it only valid for men to take our time as much as possible (playing house for too long) and we have to wait until he feels ready, on his own pace? What if several years (4+ years) of playing house is much for me?

[Asker]

If setting up a timeframe isn't good, then how else is a woman suppose to inform a man that she doesn't want to be a girlfriend for years, for too long?

[Static_In_The_Attic]

I’m going to ask you this straight out. Do you love him?

[Asker]

yes but he's making me feel insecure now with the stalling, with the postponing. He's making me feel unloved, as if I'm not good enough for a wife.

[Asker]

I want to have kids in the traditional way, in a marriage.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

A timeframe is important if you two set it together.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

As for you two you’re going to have to sit down & have a heart to heart & everything you are telling me you’re going to have to tell him. Communication is the key.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Sometimes I wish I could read minds because in this case I would love to read his mind & I would love to know what is really going on. Some say if you snooze you loose & hopefully he isn’t stupid enough to lose you. How’s the sex in the relationship?

[Peridot25]

@Static_In_The_Attic Sounds like you had it bad with women.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

@Peridot25 I’ve had it somewhat bad but mostly good & good in bed too.

[sawno]

I'd do the same with such an ultimatum. Marriages aren't exactly balanced and to me it comes across like "I demand you to give me all the power so you get screwed over if the marriage ends". Thats one thing if there is a need for it, I was willing to marry my ex for example since it was needed for me to migrate to her country, she was willing to sign a prenup eliminating the risks I was worried about and she really wanted the symbology of it all. So then it comes across as someone I can trust and like there is genuine reason to sign a legal contract.

But if a girl I am with were to demand I sign my rights away allowing her to screw me over if she wanted to or else she leaves then that comes across like "Give me your belongings already". If she leaves that easily why could I ever trust her to stay in the marriage? So i'd simply tell her I choose not to get married at that point, she can have my loyalty this lifetime or she can leave and ill find a girl who apprechiates me.

[Peridot25]

@sawno Here’s the thing: We get told if a guy doesn’t want to get married within a certain time it means he doesn’t want to get married at all. Also, you have to remember, if a woman wants kids, she doesn’t have that much time to wait.
So yes women do get antsy. We can understand things happen and sometimes you do have to postpone the wedding. But, at some point we start to question things.
But, if you truly believe that women want to get married just to claim your assets, then marriage is definitely not for you.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 Why is marriage required for kids?

[Peridot25]

@sawno People want to be married with kids. There’s nothing wrong with that.

[Peridot25]

But, if you want to try to find a way to abolish marriage where no one on earth ever gets married, I say good luck.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 I am a man of logic so i'd need more reason than that. Marriage isn't what it used to be and it isn't what it shouod be either. You used to have to prove a fault to be granted divorce so it was a way to keep both together. I am an extremely loyal person so I consider the relationship itself like a marriage already.

These days there are countless stories about the guy doing nothing wrong but the women leaving and then the courts siding with her screwing him over. The legal system is broken on that one and needs to be fixed. So marrying is at a big risk to the guy while if everything goes right adds no value in most circumstances.

I wouldn't object to a purely ceremonial marriage for example where she gets her fantasy day and where from that moment on we claim we are married but she doesn't suddenly gain immense power over me. I also don't object if there is a valid benefit like there was in my last relationship.

But unless the court system is fixed to where she is awarded nothing if she leaves with no fault just wanting to be married is not good enough for me.

[Peridot25]

@sawno If you’re that scared of being with a woman, I highly suggest staying single. It’ll be better for you. Because you’ll have this really bad view of your partner everyday you’re around her.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 And no I don't want to abolish marriage. If I was given authority on this one i'd make it so that the courts side with the one staying unless a fault is proven. So nobody needs to pay a single cent if left without a reason. And i'd also make it so that child support ends if there is a new partner involved who is capable of sustaining the child.

If you fix the law in that way I think a lot more marriages would happen and in that circumstance i'd be eager to marry since its just as much a guarantee that she won't leave me. I'd feel safe in the marriage knowing there is incentive for us to stay together and that there is no risk as long as I stick to my promise.

The system isn't that way and disadvantages men, so men aren't willing to marry.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 Keep in mind we are discussing her giving a marriage ultimatum scenario since that is what I originally responded to. I don't fear a partner, I fear the legal system. If she demanded to get that unfair advantage of me the exact thing you just mentioned would happen. I'd feel like she is trying to get the upperhand over me and i'd be more distrustful. If she was fine with not marrying there is no issue, if its like my last relationship where there was a logical explainable reason to why we should marry I see no issue.

But when I challenged you to explain the benefit of marriage for me you didn't name one. I still don't see what i'd be getting in return for such an immense risk on my part.

[Peridot25]

@sawno So, if a woman wants marriage, that’s a bad thing, right? How do we get women to abandon the thought of wanting to get married?

[Peridot25]

How do we stop people from getting married?

[Peridot25]

I’ve never been married myself. Is that a good thing?

[Peridot25]

I plan to die single anyway. I know whoever I end up with will think very ill of me.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 No I think marriage strongly favors women. I see nothing wrong with her wanting to its in her interest after all. But i'd task her with the same I just tasked you. Explain to me why its a good idea to get married. I keep bringing my last relationship up since its a good example of when marriage is right. For us it was a good idea to get married since it would allow me to move in with her. Without being married our relationship would not be making it past the long distance stage. So then you marry for the sake of the relationship and everything it has to offer. Second part, she wanted to get married so much that she offered to sign a prenub taking all the risks away. Would have been a fair contract to where each partner is entitled to their own belongings that they had before the marriage started. That way if it failed i'd be back at 0 but not below 0.

So she had a reason, and she was willing to work with me on the whole courts being one sided issue. Then its fine and a benefit to us as a couple.

But so far you are still dodging the question with strawmanning. If the relationship isn't long distance what benefit is there to getting married? What makes the legal contract a benefit to the couple? What does the guy get out of it?

[Peridot25]

@sawno To be honest, I don’t know what you want me to say that would be a good enough answer.
Honestly, I think men should ask this question to their partner. And, if they can’t give a good answer, they should break up.

[Peridot25]

@sawno Honestly, I think women should stop looking for marriage.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 I don't consider you not being married either good or bad actually. Its a neutral thing since if it didn't happen it didn't cause an outcome in either direction. If your hypothetical marriage resulted in someone getting screwed over its a good thing it didn't happen. If your mareiage works and it makes two people really happy for the rest of their lives then its a good thing if it happens.

I'm not against it like you seem to think. I'm against doing it myself if there is no logical reason to do it. I consider marriage to only be a relevant factor if things go wrong and then its something that makes it worse not better. While inside a functional marriage I don't see any difference from being in a life long relationship. My own parents are married 40 years, someone else in my family has been together with her boyfriend (effectively her husband) for as long as I can remember and they have a healthy functional family together. To me it always felt like they were married and they are a union trough their children.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 Until the system is fixed I agree with the women shouldn't look for marriage part. Its fine to ask a partner if he's open to it. But if you run into a guy like me who is extremely loyal yet weary of marriage then isn't it better to persue the loyal guy rather than a marriage?

So I think its way more important for her to look for a guy who genuinely loves her and really get to know his character to confirm he is loyal than it is to try and tie him down trough a contract. Because there will be a decent number of guys like me who if you press for it to hard you scare away who would otherwise have stayed the entire lifetime.

[sawno]

As for possible reasons it would have to be something that shows why marriage is benefitial to the couple over being faithful and commited. I'm not the kind of guy who considers a relationship the we do whatever we want phase where once married its suddenly serious. I only ask a girl to be mine if I am certain I don't leave her. Commitment means a lot for me and in that sense you'd actually expect me to be the marriage type and in a fair system I would have been.

So the reason would need to be a credible reason beyond symbolism. Unless its only symbolism you care about but then give the guy the option to do a symbolic marriage only.

[Peridot25]

@sawno The way women are these days, I don’t think there’s any reasonable reasons for men to get married.

[sawno]

@Peridot25 For me its really not about how women are. Every answer I gave so far is with the assumption i'd genuinely extremely love the girl in question otherwise marriage wouldn't even come up. If she's not worth being with like that she wouldn't make it to girlfriend status with me.

For me its all about what is best for the couple. Which one is more likely to succeed? Which one brings the most balance in the relationship. Which one gives the most legal benefits to the couple? Etc.

Marriages are a legal contract after all, so I treat them as much. The whole having a loyal loving partner thing that is commited to you for the rest of their live I don't consider because she'd already have that pledge from me the moment I asked her to be mine. Marriage wouldn't change my behavior in that sense.

[OlderAndWiser]

l got engaged in March 2023 and married in April 2024. Some couples marry within six months and most marry within a year. You may be "technically" engaged, but I'll bet anyone who knows you assumes that the wedding will never happen.

You can continue pretending. . . or you can face reality.

[Asker]

So I'll just have to accept he strung me along and just went a step further at keeping me longer by proposing but wasn't ever planning on getting married. I can't be waiting anymore. Then he's been pushing for kids since last year. He wants kids but isn't setting up the wedding. I'm not liking this at all.

[Caroline91]

I think you should listen to your gut... you've got good instincts, now act on them, girl. I know it's going to hurt, but it already hurts and is not likely to stop. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do what you need to do to find your happiness, wherever that may be.

[HelpfulWoman]

if you keep setting dates and then the excuses then yeah, sounds an issue.
I've been engaged with my dude for 4 years. we have a "we'll do it when we get to do it" mentality as other things such as debts come first. It's not a big issue for us.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love, it's like navigating a maze sometimes, isn't it? Here's the lowdown: engagements vary greatly in length, but what really matters is the mutual understanding and readiness for marriage. It sounds like your heart's sounding the alarm bells – and for good reason. You had an agreement with your beau, a love pact if you will, that's now being edited like a bad screenplay.

Your feelings are super valid here. An engagement shouldn't feel like you've been put on the back burner, simmering on a low heat indefinitely. It’s supposed to be a time of excitement and preparation for the big leap into a shared life, not a never-ending loop of "just a bit longer."

It's time for a heart-to-heart, a real talk without the fluff. Express how you feel side-stepped rather than side-by-side. It's about finding out if you're both still starring in the same love story or if the script needs a rewrite. Remember, you're the leading lady in your life story, and you deserve a co-star who's ready to share the spotlight, not keep delaying the premiere. Keep that chin up and don't be shy to spell out your needs and dreams. After all, communication is the key to unlocking a future that feels right for both of you.

[sawno]

Whats in it for him to get married? Assuming you are in the US he doesn't get anything out of it other than a legal risk of you getting his belongings in court. He probably knows it and feels insecure about the whole thing.

That said what is it that you are after that isn't just a way for you to blackmail him into staying or being able to steal his money if it goes wrong? What benefit is there to being married that you aren't getting now?

[Asker]

First of all, I don't mind signing the prenup. If he wants that then all he has to do is ask and I'll happily sign it. I have my own income too. Just stringing me along isn't the answer. Secondly, what's wrong with wanting kids to be raised in a stable household with married parents? Why wouldn't I want to follow how I was raised? My parents are still together. If I didn't want kids then there would be no purpose and I wouldn't mind living together or being single.
So just for wanting kids in a marriage, I'm a golddigger?

[sawno]

I'm not saying you are a gold digger, I'm asking what benefit there is on a functional level. Kids in a marriage or kids in a permanent relationship should be functionally the same right? If it's aesthetics you are after then do ask yourself if its worth that since your guy is clearly not very enthusiastic about it. If you do insist on that then he may not be the guy.

I just don't see any function to marriage other than the guy being screwed over if either leaves.

[caitycat21]

Yeah no. Leave this bum, he’s wasting your time. This is 100% a shut up ring

[MsProsperity]

Yeah sounds like he proposed to you because you promised to leave if he doesn’t, he didn’t propose because he wants to marry you

[Kelley1]

Obviously, you are good enough for sex. However, at your age, you are not attractive enough to marry. He wants the sex and, since he is getting the sex, there is no benefit to him to marry you.

[LazerBean]

It probably takes that long for people who aren't sure they want to get married

[Asker]

I'm now getting the feeling that he only proposed just to keep me longer since he knew I was going to walk away if I had stayed as a live-in girlfriend after the 2 year mark. Now my gut instinct is telling me he wasted my time and I no longer feel secure.

[LazerBean]

I would agree with that

[Asker]

I would like to add something else that sounds so ironic. He keeps postponing our wedding but yet has been pushing for kids since last year. I don't want to get pregnant before getting married though. If he isn't sure about getting married, then why would he push for kids?

[LazerBean]

Because having kids with someone you are unmarried to is still way less commitment than having kids with someone you are married to.

[thisAppIsGarbage]

My engagement lasted 3 months. Your body amd life completely changes every 7 years a d you've wasted half of that waiting on someone with cold feet or to stupid to plan a wedding in 3 years and counting

[laly520]

seems like he doesn't want to marry n is enjoying having u as a girlfriend only

[Asker]

I'll have a very serious conversation today. At this point (with the exception of the ring), I feel no different than a girlfriend.

[laly520]

a serious conversation is needed

[exitseven]

It sounds like he is stalling. He likes things the way they are,

[Asker]

Yes and I'm now getting disappointed. It's like he purposely strung me along. He knew I wasn't going to stay as a girlfriend for over 2 years and like stated, has gone a step further in the ''keeping me as forever fiancee''. Then he's been pushing for kids since last year. He wants kids but won't marry me. I'm not liking it. I don't want kids unmarried.

[RebelinSteel]

A friends took nearly 10 years lol

[Asker]

That's too much. It's not engagement anymore by then.

[RebelinSteel]

It is, she refused to marry until he changed jobs
He changed jobs, they got married

[WhitneySnow]

I think you might be right

[DishLady]

Sometimes.