Do therapists tell people when they’re being abusive?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone. Recently, my boyfriend has not been treating me well (talking harshly to me, talking bad about me to others, making me sad and not apologizing, etc.). He said he wanted to go to therapy because he finds me and other things irritating which made me upset but hey at least he wants to try therapy! I told him he should totally try therapy because I’ve gone to therapy and it helped me a lot with my social anxiety. Except I’ve been told that therapists just tell you what you want to hear and enable bad behaviors. I have also not had the experience of being called out for bad behavior by my therapist when I know I’ve probably said some questionable things. I wonder that if he goes, if the therapist will call out the way he treats me and help him to learn how to treat others better. Have any of you went to therapy and the therapist helped you be a nicer person? Or do therapists only validate feelings and tell you everything you do is okay? I hope this makes sense.
Also, I know a lot of people are going to tell me to break up with him. I’ve considered it but I want to give him a chance to change and I just want to know if therapy is something that could actually help.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. "Except I’ve been told that therapists just tell you what you want to hear and enable bad behaviors." I've heard that the Earth is flat. . . . You were in therapy; is that what your therapist did?

2. "I have also not had the experience of being called out for bad behavior by my therapist when I know I’ve probably said some questionable things." How receptive would you be to your if he or she criticized you for the things you did? You should be your own critic instead of expecting someone else to do it.

3. "I wonder that if he goes, if the therapist will call out the way he treats me and help him to learn how to treat others better." How does his therapist know what happens at home?

4. "Have any of you went to therapy and the therapist helped you be a nicer person?" I have been in therapy and I think I became a nicer person, but that was not the direct goal of therapy.

5. "Or do therapists only validate feelings and tell you everything you do is okay?" That may be appropriate in supportive counselling but it certainly is not the goal in every therapeutic relationship.

6. "Also, I know a lot of people are going to tell me to break up with him." Not me, unless you say he is abusive or threatens your safety.

7. "I’ve considered it but I want to give him a chance to change" That is a mature attirude.

8. "I just want to know if therapy is something that could actually help." No guarantees but it COULD help. But successful outcomes in therapy are not always the things that make family members happy. A "successful" outcome for him could lead to him deciding to break up with you.

[Anonymous]

A good therapise doesn't judge their patients, they just listen and when speaking it is because they have identified something the patient said which they had obviously played down and should speak to.

That said, a person seeking a therapist has a core problem that they don't have many friends or positive family to support them. Therapists are 'paid friends', but they are 'skilled' paid friends. They are also impartial which can be hard to get without a range of good friends and an ability to take personal responsiblity.

So, Therapists have a role. Since sometimes a person can have a lot of, lets just say, not so good friends (not meaning bad people, just meaning sharing all the same faults). There a therapist can, if lucky, a assist the paitient to be better themselves and replicate the help into their firend group (or at least encourage a patient to find better friends if they are mindfully obstinate to positive improvement).

So. no, a GOOD therapist won't tell you your being abusive, but they MAY help YOU to realise it on your own.

Best of luck.

[DishLady]

Some do. Some don’t state it directly so they can drag sessions out and charge more.


“How does that make you feel? Oooh, time’s up. That’ll be $500. Byyyyyye!”

[BetaBucks]

Some do, some don't. I did security at a court ordered couples counseling session where the therapist told the man he was abusive (he was) and started an argument with him about it. Dude ended up in prison.

I also know a former married couple where the woman was physically and mentally abusive, and the marriage counselor tried to convince the man that he was the abusive one. Saying he was the most abusive person she has ever met, but didn't explain why or have examples of anything abusive that he did. The wife was eventually arrested for domestic violence, theft and child endangerment though.

Just some stories, but when it comes to therapists, it's often their own personal styles that dictate what they're going to say to the patients.

[Makeushiver]

This type of behavior rarely gets better. It may get replaced by overly concerned behavior with lots of "that will never happen again" or " you were misinterpreting me". Tell him if it happens again it's over, no conversation, no sweet talk. In order for this to work you need to stand firm which can be difficult but it's almost always a character trait that worsens over time.