Is it toxic to share your phone passcode with your S. O. to do intermittent check ups?

Question

So my boyfriend and I both know each other’s passcodes to our phones, we also have open access to each other phones. He said it’s fine if I want to randomly go through his phone if I ever feel suspicious but I just feel like that’s enabling a toxic behavior no?

meepmeeperton · Accepted Answer

I don't find it to be toxic in general because it's nice to have your phone not be the most private thing ever. Me and my girlfriend will often grab whichever of our phones is closest to quickly look something up or use it as a flashlight or take a photo of something, etc. It would be weird if we were locked out every time. Granted you can technically take pictures with locked iPhones... but you know what I mean.

With that being said we agreed to not go over the top with checking each others phones and not go looking for trouble. We also don't share passwords to ever single thing like our social media accounts or email.

Sometimes we like to have certain things off limits too. For example I sometimes write gift ideas for her in my notes and I don't want her to check that and ruin the surprise.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Its always a worry when people feel a need to have each others personal identification codes. I wouldn't personally get into another relationship with a paranoid partner who wanted to "share everything" meaning bank pin codes and email passwords, not because I don't wish to share my life with whomever I date, but because I more value our mutual privacy and right to share stuff as we feel fit and safe to share (e. g. spying on a partner is the opposite of trust, but them sharing on their own terms freely as they feel they might is true closeness)/

SweetJoyGirl · Accepted Answer

I don’t think it is toxic.

My ex knew the code to my phone and his phone didn’t have a code. Mine has always had a code, because my parents were snoops. lol

It is called building trust.

He could go through my phone whenever he wanted, and I could go through his whenever I wanted. It was rare for him to go through mine. Sometimes I would go through his, just for fun (scrolling through reels, scrolling through our messages together etc.)

Neither of us had nothing to hide.

Sometimes he would even put the phone on speaker and I would be right there kissing him as he spoke to whoever he was talking to. He liked it. lol

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Sharing private codes is up to the discretion and mutual consent of the two people in the relationship. Personally, doing intermittent checkups is a breech of privacy and shows a complete lack of trust. Why would you be with someone you don't trust. I'd do that if, for example, my ELDERLY partner started showing signs of dementia and needed to have a backup person hold on to his passcodes. I wouldn't ask a healthy and able SO to do that.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Sharing phone passcodes in a relationship can be seen as a gesture of trust, but regularly checking each other's phones might be treading on thin ice. It's all about balance. Trust is the sexiest foundation you can build in a love story, and it doesn't need constant verification. If you're doing it out of insecurity rather than genuine concern, then you might be setting the stage for a trustless drama. Communication, my friend, is your magic wand. Talk about what triggers these feelings instead of playing detective. Keep the mystery alive in your relationship, but let it be about what gift they'll surprise you with, not what you'll find on their phone! Lovebombing each other with trust and respect is way hotter than any password. 🔥

AviatorTom · Answer

Someone who wants to check their partner's phone is controlling, untrusting, and invading their privacy. Far from the best for a relationship.

Lliam · Answer

My wife and I have access to each other's phones in case of emergency. But neither of us have any interest in "going through" each other's phones (spying). There's nothing to see. We trust each other.
The idea of checking up on each other is creepy. I would be a big red flag if an SO had a desire to do that. If she didn't trust me, I wouldn't trust her. And what kind of relationship would that be?

FreyaRed · Answer

If I trust someone I would allow to be transparent for this person at this level.
On the other hand, cheapest Android phone costs less than 100 bucks and a SIM card less then 10.
If I wanted to cheat I would buy such a phone, tell the guy it's a corporate phone I'm not allowed to grant access to this phone and would use it to chat with guys I date aside. However I would dump him before I would start to cheat anyway.

dustybiker2 · Answer

The point of sharing this info is to prove you have nothing to hide. In court if you release medical documents it doesn't mean anyone will go through them, it's really showing the act of release is proof of claims. Same goes with phone and partners to me. If a partner actually uses this info to search a phone then you have proof of trust issues. in my opinion

LazerBean · Answer

Is it toxic to share your phone passcode with your significant other? No.

Is it toxic to share your passcode with your significant other specifically so you can go through their phone? Yeah, that's pretty weird.

Purpleronnie · Answer

I don’t understand why in a trusting relationship it would ever be needed or even needed to be discussed or offered Wouldn’t say toxic though. I have never looked at any of my gf’s phones and would never want to or have need to. There has to be “trust”

What next offering to wear an AirTag so that each other can be tracked? 😂 or maybe I should be checking her car sat nav on where she has been in case she gets clever with the AirTag.. oh wait what about her Uber account in case she is covering her tracks.

What a joke !

MrGSpotHer · Answer

When I've done this before one time I deleted most of the apps after because I didn't need them and I never use anything like Facebook anyways, just what's app from time to time and stuff like this app but apparently that's suspicious behaviour because I should be using something on social media but I don't pmsl

IslaTheWitch · Answer

I have no problem with him using my phone but if he checks my stuff because he doesn't trust me... it would be the beginning of the end

oldawg · Answer

It depends whether you have something to hide or not.
It also depends if your SO is the jealous type
because if you have just started going out the both of you are still going to be getting your other messages that doesn't know that you are in a relationship and like I said if the SO is the jealous type

Skinhead-1979 · Answer

I feel it is good that you share everything... but for the purpose of checking up on each other?  Yes, that's toxic; there are clearly trust issues then.

worldscolide · Answer

If done willingly and not by request, it's not toxic, it is toxic when it's done out of insecurity.

For example, my wife and I share our location with each other. It was done because my wife locked her self out of her car 4 times in the last two years, the first three times I had a hell of a time finding her. So she offered to share her location. When she did that the lady time she locked her self out I found her quickly. I don't use it to spy on her cause I don't need to, I trust her. If you are insecure. And don't trust your partner, and feel the need to check up on them, then yeah that's toxic.

rosemilk · Answer

to do "check ups"? yeah that's weird... and yes, toxic

to share passcode to phone for emergencies, that's okay. but for check ups, don't do that. who needs to do that? if you don't trust each other, you two need to talk

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

I don't understand why you would be with someone if you feel the need to go through their phone.

exitseven · Answer

I have a document of all my passwords I gave to my wife in case I die.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Seems fine unless one of you is a psycho and checking several times a day.

Anonymous · Answer

How can that be toxic. If you are hiding something, that is toxic.

LiamJHayden · Answer

The perceived need for this is enough for me to end a relationship. I'm not 14 and neither need nor want someone checking up on me.

Kaneki05 · Answer

Not really if that's just where it ends. If there is nothing to hide who cares right.  I think it's toxic when they start saying hey you should delete this friend or whatever else.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

I think it's a good thing. He's got nothing to hide from you and that's a very simple way to maintain trust in your relationship. It's also something a lot of people would be afraid to do for whatever reasons

Ladsin2 · Answer

Said B, but there can be a limit. For example if she’s looking for risqué texts and instead finds my group chat with friends sharing racey memes and give me grief about it that’d be frustrating

Juxtapose · Answer

I literally have numerous people that sent me private messages detailing how they were raped and other horrific things that happened in their past. You don't have a right to see that.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

It's mor closeness than I would want, but I don't think that necessarily means it's toxic.

KostasKouvalis · Answer

Yeah, that's definitely toxic. Why are you with him if you don't trust him?

jahaims · Answer

If you don't trust each other don't date

OddBeMe · Answer

Yes. That’s just a lack of trust. Why bother?

WhitneySnow · Answer

If that makes you both happy then go for it

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

giving your phone code to your so, is toxic and is controlling behavior

elizamichale1 · Answer

Nops not really

Anonymous · Answer

Lol you guys are dumb

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