My friend is having an affair with a married man and I think it's gross. How do I maintain the friendship?

[Anonymous]

My close friend has been sleeping with a boyfriend from college that is now married with 2 kids, after she got divorced recently. I find it disgusting that she is willing to engage in an on-going affair with a married man knowing he is willing to do that to his wife and children. I look at her differently now. She said she cannot "give him up" but I personally feel he is a sh*tty human being for willingly cheating on his wife like that for over a year. I asked her why not just pursue the relationship and he leave his wife & she said she doesn't even want that - she likes this affair of them having sex in hotels every few months (they live in different cities and both have kids). I said why not find a single guy, and she said it's not her problem that he's married, it's his because he took vows. I agree with her on that point but I don't see how you can be attracted to someone that is willing to treat the mother of their children so disrespectfully. In my opinion this makes him a man lacking in integrity and therefore not attractive. I am the only person that knows what she is doing and I see her differently now. She is also sleeping with another guy down the road from her in between her monthly meet ups with her ex-bf, a parent from her kids school. I now see her as a little whore seeking validation from the wrong places. I don't have a problem with women having sex or even one night stands - but to knowingly have an affair with a married man for over a year I find disgraceful - what kind of man is that and why would you want him if you know he is willing to treat the mother of his kids that way? Am I wrong here or being a disloyal friend?

[osmanthus]

Well technically she's not a w**** because to be a w**** you'd actually have to be paid to provide sexual services and in such a case this woman would be categorized as a s*** culturally this may not be seen as desirable and maybe seen as a point of shame but we don't really know the intricacies of her relationships with these men and should we ought to shame or guilt a woman for expressing her sexual drive in which most women are trained to suppress or to cover it or what not another person for the purposes of sex. You're within your rights I think whatever you want given that the facts really aren't laid out for you and you're not really one to engage in such relationships anyways. I mean we don't even know whether or not this man's marriage was I mean spiritually legitimate a lot of people get married for convenience or for other reasons and for her to actually sleep with a man and sleep with another man for whatever reasons most often the complex issue and something that usually women who are close friends might discuss but usually it's advisable not to discuss. I wouldn't say gossiping is the correct route to go about this but if you really feel that you can't beat this person's friend anymore because of your attitude or your perspective or else they feel that in some way you just cannot stay loyal to a person in which you have presumed judgment upon person for then they may be advisable to leave the relationship or at least tell the person that sustaining this friendship isn't in your best interest for whatever reason and then do conscience you do not feel that it is appropriate to do so. I think if somebody who is fairly logical and rational it's very possible that she would understand and that she may in fact not really put up much of a resistance and let leave the door open should you want want to be a friend again.

[osmanthus]

And if she were whoring around there are probably multiple reasons why she might do this and the men in her life might be fine to just pay her to do it. Simply don't know, we simply don't know.

[DishLady]

Tbh sometimes it's not possible to maintain the friendship. Let the person go do their thing. If they come knocking on your door in the future you can consider rekindling the friendship, but you're not obligated to tolerate something that is unsavory and immoral to you.

[Vermillion30]

If she will sleep with a Married Man, What’s to stop her from sleeping with the OPs Boyfriend or Husband someday. I believe the saying Once a Cheater always a cheater.

[DishLady]

@Vermillion30 Lol. Also true. Yes, I agree with that saying also. Good call.

[Asker]

nah - I dont agree with this. I dont think people are that simple. That is like saying, if someone would steal a piece of gum from the pharmacy, then they would certainly rob a bank as well. Whenever I have spoken to her about it, her position is that she doesn't know the guys wife and she didn't marry her - I understand that. I personally do not believe if someone married cheats, that its on the person they cheat with - they are not the one breaking vows - and men aren't animals lacking control - they know what they are doing. He actually pursued her and sought her out/ tracked her down online after 15 years of no contact - she had no clue where he was in life. My issue is that she claims to love him and I think HE as a person is bad because look what he is doing as a man - pursuing old GFs from college and sleeping with them. Why all the focus on her? She isn't married here - HE IS and he tracked her down and pursued her. I think the fact that she knows this about him and is willing to continue engaging - THAT is the problem with her - why sleep with a man you know is capable of being such a horrible person to his family?

[TheLovelyIntrovert]

100% agree! I knew a woman who would sleep with married men and most of the time they would pursue her. They knew she was easy and she didn't care about them. Women who do this can never be trusted because they know the world NO and they choose not to use it.

[mobiusforniner]

I don’t quite agree with the general consensus here. People are quick to judge, but at the core, your friend is a broken person. There’s a lot of focus on the married man being a cheater- and that’s true- but it’s important to note, your friend lacks self respect. She sees herself as a sex object, not as a partner or a lovable person. And really, that’s quite tragic. There’s not much you can really do to change this for her- in my experience, women who do this are largely shaped by childhood trauma. She trusts you with this information. Best you can do is love her regardless. It doesn’t mean you condone her behavior; rather seek to understand and hope, in time she will learn to love herself and find a man who values her all the same

and for the religious comments over sin and being judged for the company you keep, remember Jesus associated with the whores, lepers, adultresses, and degenerates of society because he loved the sinner and saw hope for their salvation. Shall his followers not do the same?

[Purpleronnie]

Great answer

[AviatorTom]

You've already told her how you feel about it. If you want to maintain the friendship, you have to look the other way, let her live her life, and just do friends things together. If you really can't handle that, it's time to break off the friendship... your choice, not hers.

[OlderAndWiser]

You can find a better friend, can't you?

[Purpleronnie]

reasons don’t think I can really guide you here , other than tell you that any happenings that are so divisive between friends because of the reasons you gave are going to drive a mountain sized wedge between you both. One could say that it would take true friendship to look past something as serious as this whilst others wouldn’t be able to see past because of the sickening selfishness and disrespectful nature.


Personally speaking a situation like this has never happened to my knowledge within my friendship circle but due to my friendship being so closely linked to my respect for and trust of friends I would have no choice but to speak my mind then wish them good luck and close the door

[Lynx122]

It's a difficult question I've also struggled with this. I always had strong principles and I lived my life by them I hold myself to a high standard and also other people. But I noticed that becomes a problem. Now I'm figuring out how to losen up. But there can still be uncomfortable situations where person is being good to you but their conduct is very questionable in other areas.

You have to figure out when to just overlook it and focus on the friendship and when it's too much. I haven't solved this problem yet. Often people who have no scruples can be more popular, that's just how it is. People who habitually lie to their friends can be more popular than people who are honest. We need to figure out our own path that we can walk down and feel alright about the decisions we made.

Anything else is not that important.

[MrOracle]

This is called "moral relativism" - the idea that nothing is inherently right or wrong, so I can do whatever I want and it's OK because I want it to be. It's the same basis of thinking that leads, for example, the idea that the way to fix past racism is with present racism.

Having to follow a real moral code would be inconvenient for your friend - she would miss out on the excitement and danger of her affair - so she rationalizes away any personal responsibility for her behavior.

Listen to me very carefully: she will turn on you just as quickly if she decides it's more convenient for her. Being her friend is like trying to be friends with a live land mine: sooner or later, it will go very badly for you. Beware.

[strangeatcircleK]

It's life and life is complicated

You could gently give your opinion with well thought out sentences every once in a while to try and give some logic to the situation

But, it's their choice and whatever comes with it

You don't have to agree with it or support it

However, you can still be a friend they can talk to with clear boundaries on how you feel about it

For example, "which outfit should I wear for him?" ... "I'm not comfortable answering that" something like that. Being considerate and respectful of their choices but making sure they don't run over you with their choices

[Angelo75]

Well to put it simply, just ask yourself...
If for some reason she can't respect that guys marriage, how big are the chances that she won't respect yours either if she gets a chance?

I don't want to put you in an awkward position or anything. Just protect yourself.

Or sooner or later they might do it to you.

As for how to deal with the situation, well it's rather painful for the wife when she finds out. You might want to ask yourself how would you have wanted for others to react if your husband was cheating on you. Would you want them to make all kind of efforts to stay out of it and away from the whole situation, or would you want someone to walk up to you and tell you?

There are simply no reasons to actually go cheat out of a marriage.

[TheLovelyIntrovert]

Nope you are not a disloyal friend. Your feelings are valid and I honestly would distance myself from that friend because people like that will end up bringing trouble into your life. How can she be a loyal friend to you if she can't respect that a man is married? Yes he took the wedding vow but she is an adult that should respect herself enough to say no. Until she can get her life together I wouldn't be a part of hers.

[Pinkycloud]

A common saying my teacher would say is “show me your friends and ill tell you who you are” clearly you’re not comfortable with your friend doing all that, and it seems like you expressed that you don’t like it. Just find better friends who have the same morals as you.

[_Senorita_]

You are totally correct i must say that you should leave this friendship before it's too late... sometimes these people can blame you as well there can be any possibility... People involved in sin can definitely make other people sin... U knw what I mean!!!

I've had a friend but she won't listen to my advice and ended up being messed up

[Peridot25]

You have every right to feel disgusted. Honestly, I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, your friend doesn’t care and neither does he. Hopefully, the wife will realize what’s going on and divorce him. I feel sorry for her and their children. They deserve a better husband and father.

[Peridot25]

And, if you no longer want to be her friend, that’s ok. I would hate to be friends with people like that because you would hear it every time they had sex with someone that’s taken. They would brag about it and that kind of behavior is absolutely disgusting.

[Booklover_90]

Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s an adult. She’s going to have to find out the hard way that this is wrong. Meanwhile, make it clear that you do not support this nor do you want to talk about it with her.

[McLlovin]

Messing with a married person is a dangerous game. Some lose their lives over the affair. Jealousy is powerful thing. You should warn your friend.

[anon1903]

Let her gain first hand experience.

There's little you can do about the whole situation.

Let her learn it for herself just what a lousy lover he is.

[jahaims]

You don't. Dump that friend. They are choosing to be trash.

[Asker]

Apart of being friends is telling them what you think but not judging though right? She isn't hurting ME. She is even encouraging me to do these things in my dating life but I am single and have no kids as I am younger than her. But I have no interest in pursuing married men or just sleeping around like her.

[OhLongJohnsoning]

Think of it as an accessory to a crime. If you knew something was happening, and you didn't report to the cops, you COULD be arrested for not disclosing it.

You need to tell your friend, what's going on. They may get upset with you at first, but, they need to know

[Drewtate]

You can be friends with her still and give her your opinion and that's for yourself for like hanging out, partying, going on holiday but with the knowledge that she cannot be trusted as a friend and you will have to cut her loose in the near future

[Anonymous]

"I don't have a problem with women having sex or even one night stands"

but you have a problem with someone else sleeping with a married man.

That just means you have different standards than she does.

Someone else might judge you for having sex and one night stands.

Everyone's standards are different, and everyone should be allowed to have their own standards.

[Asker]

lol I personally do not engage in one night stands. Me saying I dont see the issue with a one night stand does not mean I personally engage in them. This has nothing to do with judging -you didn't understand my question if you think it did so ill leave the response there.

[lightbulb27]

ask her not to talk about any of that, you don't want to know...

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

I'm quite picky, when it comes to people who might influence me.. such as friends. You might also be their target in the future. I'd rather be alone than have friends I cannot trust. ;)

[handsomelad70]

I guess by not mentioning your friend's relationship with this man unless she brings it up in conversation.

[SugarSugarplum]

Your friend is a homewrecker. Say goodbye. Fill your life with more virtuous people.

[soe11]

• My honest and sincere advice to you is do not involve.
• Keep distance from personal matters.
• You keep relationship as usual.
• Unless ask for advice.

[Tim2nice]

You just stay out of her private life. It’s not your business

[Asker]

lol when its your best friend/ family and I am the ONLY person in the entire world that she confides in about her "private life" - pretty odd advice to say "stay out of it" - I am not seeking the information. No point in commenting if you are just going to say something useless and which does not make sense.

[Tim2nice]

Ok, you let them be then. I’d never tell someone what to do

[Truthatanycost]

You don't maintain the friendship, you end it.

[msc545]

Stay out of it. This is really none of your business, and if you think she is a terrible person for doing it, end the friendship with her. Her sex life is her business, not yours.

[jjj101010]

People have friends who have different views, I have friends who follow a different team to me and who a politically opposite to me but the point about friendship is that u support friends despite your differences

[Kathy2005]

Drop her as a friend tell the wife. Cause it could come back on you. I seen stories where a friend or sibling knew their sibling or friend knew if your in relationship could effect them.

[Anonymous]

Tell the wife. Your friend will be so happy you did the right thing and broke up the affair. Because friends appreciate it when thier friends look out for them.

[Luckycharms12]

She is your friend that's her life and choice all you can do is say don't think it's a good idea. More common that you think

[Tomisworthless]

she's just as shitty for sleeping with a married man. Sorry your marriage didn't work out, dont go trying ruining mine now

[MasterKS]

Its their personal life, personal choice, you should keep distance if you want but dont judge people!

[Asker]

I am not judging her, I love her like a sister and I dont respect the person she is choosing to be right now which shocks me and I do not recognize her. I also dont think it will end well and she will be unhappy as eventually this will end very badly for her and she will need support which will include me. This isn't about judgment this is about loving a friend and seeing her behave out of the character I have seen in her since we were kids and watching her interact with other people disrespectfully.

[MasterKS]

@asker still its her life, she can choose for herself, how do you know they won't be together, they might be in future! Why people instantly judge extra martial affair like everyone is so pure and saint!

[Asker]

did you read my details? She said she doesn't want that lol I already told her maybe give it a go then if you love him so much and she said she likes it exactly like this - him cheating on his wife and her sleeping with multiple men including him.

[Asker]

I also never said I am a saint - you really should read what I actually wrote in full - this is about her choosing to continue an affair with someone that is willing to hurt their wife and kids like that - I think he has an issue. If you fall in love with someone else, that happens but then dont just keep your wife that is loyal at home AND sleep with other women as well - that is selfish. That wife at home deserves to have her best options and life as well and any man with integrity understands this - the fact she is choosing to allow some other woman to be played like that I feel is wrong - be with him, fine but dont let him keep playing his wife for years! This isn't about me being perfect - I am far from it. I also feel eventually he will get bored of my friend and she will be crushed and I will be the one picking up the pieces.

[MasterKS]

@asker so? still its not her personal life and choice?

[Asker]

What is the point of you saying this/ responding at all? I already know that. My question was how to maintain the lifelong friendship when I see self destruction essentially and poor choices being made by someone I love - I did not ask, "Help me judge my friend because I think she is wrong" being wrong isn't the issue. I dont care about right/ wrong. You seem to be more caught up on defending her actions. I dont care about right or wrong - I care about what will happen later on and how that impacts relationships she has including ours.

[MasterKS]

@asker if you feel for her still stand with her always, if you think she is doing wrong leave her and let her enjoy her life! Its your open choice!

[Peridot25]

@MasterKS I have a feeling you got some skeletons in your closet. Care to share some stories? 👀

[Peridot25]

@Asker To be honest, I think he’s a cheater. Or he’s exactly like your friend who helped destroyed families.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re not wrong

[Beautifulpink13]

If his hit why not?