Is it normal in relationships to say hurtful things?

[Anonymous]

I just want to know if this is a sign the relationship won’t work out or if it’s something people can move past from and have a healthy relationship. My boyfriend and I got into an argument and he said some very hurtful things. He said stuff like me not having many friends must reflect that I’m not a good person (I’m shy), how I think I’m such a perfect person (I know I’m not), that he chatted with another girl because he was annoyed with me, and that I don’t appreciate him enough (I try but I know I need to do better). I said things like “what’s wrong with you” and “you’re treating me badly, I don’t deserve this”. Some of the things he said were extremely hurtful and he did not apologize or seem to feel bad. I know I’m not the perfect girlfriend but I don’t think what I did warranted what he was saying to me. We’re taking a break right now so we can calm down and think but could a relationship even survive when so many insults were said? How could I learn to heal from this so we could move forward? I love him and I want to make it work and I want to be better.

[ohsheeT]

I don't even want to answer this question.. . I felt like I was just going to tell you everything that's going to happen and I can't do it.

I felt you're every word.
But I will tell you this it has nothing to do with you it's all about him and what he wants.

He's not happy with himself he's not happy with him that's why he put you down it has nothing to do with you having friends or not having friends that has nothing to do with you at all he's just not happy so he's going to do it he has to do

My opinion is that he's blowing it he's going to blow it and one day he will regret it but that's on him

. And you. . I don't know.
I feel bad.
You need to look at this in a positive way.
You need to thank him for showing you exactly who he is because that's what exactly what he just did he showed you how cruel how much he cares how much he loves how much you mean to him he just showed you all that..

I know you said you love him but you can't love somebody to treat you that way and means it and he means it he does not give a fuck you can't make somebody love you and don't you even dare try because it's going to be fake just like probably this whole relationship... Wait a minute I take that back I can't say that because I don't know..

I'm sure there was a good points about it but he's been feeling this way for a long time and he showed you he told you exactly who he is I

Can I tell you what to do but do you want to be with somebody like him he won't ever treat you the way that you should be treated and I would say that you're probably a very good person with a very beautiful heart and probably thought things were okay you didn't deserve that..

And he didn't do it just because he wants to break up he did it because that's what he feels that's what he thinks and that's just wrong

I feel I'm going to be just as bad because I could just erase all this instead of break your heart but you need to accept it right now and you need to acknowledge it and you need to say to yourself you need to love yourself is what you need to do and walk away because after everything he said there's no fixing it no matter what he says if he even does I doubt he will I'm sorry I'm sorry that I even answered this question but I know that you'll make it..
You are stronger than you know you are..
And you can't look at this as a negative you have to look at it as a positive and say well thank you very much for telling me exactly how you feel and how you see me because I know now that you're not the person for me

[HawkPerception]

Your boyfriend does sound like he's immature honestly, just based on what he's said. I would never say that to my partner.

Anger is somewhat like alcohol in the sense that it can make people say what they actually think about the other person, without holding back.

According to ChatGPT...

"Anger can sometimes lead to more honest expressions, but it's not a reliable or healthy way to achieve honesty. When people are angry, they may drop social niceties and speak more bluntly, which can result in saying things they truly think or feel. This rawness can come across as honesty because it bypasses the usual filters we apply in social interactions.

However, the honesty expressed in anger isn't always constructive or complete. Anger can distort perceptions, leading to exaggerated or overly harsh statements. People might say things in anger that they later regret, or that don't fully capture their nuanced feelings. Anger-driven honesty is often reactive and can hurt relationships if not handled carefully.

A better approach is to cultivate a habit of honest communication grounded in calmness and empathy. This allows for more thoughtful and balanced expression of feelings, ensuring honesty doesn't come at the expense of kindness or clarity."

If a guy handles anger like the way your boyfriend did, he's not ready for a relationship. Based on the little that you've said, I would encourage you to find a more mature partner that has better anger management skills.

[itsannalee]

I don’t know for other, but personally i always try to avoid to use any bad words who might hurt my partner when we fight. And also same with my boyfriend, he always avoid to talk to much during fight and usually just laave me alone until we both cooling down, to avoid to say any words who might hurt me. Because i’m sensitive person.


And i think he is not really well treats u.
Sounds like narcissistic, he will blames everything on u, and always manipulate. Like my ex.


Love yourself…

[SweetJoyGirl]

I try not to use hurtful words when arguing. I mean arguing on its own is hurtful to me, but saying certain things purposefully to hurt the other is not a good sign.

I actually try to avoid arguing with people. I am usually quiet and I end up walking out on the person. Just to avoid the conflict. People don’t usually listen, and I am not good at arguing. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Saying hurtful things will just sow a seed of distrust in a relationship.

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah that's a lot to take in. Honestly it doesn't sound like this guy treats you very well at all. Fights are one thing but going straight to insults and personal attacks is just uncalled for. And saying hurtful shit about other girls during a fight is mega disrespectful to you.

I can understand wanting to make things work if you really care about someone, but you also gotta care about yourself too, ya know? You should be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself, not puts you down and says shit to tear down your self esteem. That's just emotionally abusive behavior and ain't right.

I'd think long and hard about if this is really someone you can trust after they said those kinds of things. People can apologize, but words don't always mean much if they keep doing the same kind of hurtful crap again later. And no apology for this last fight is a BIG red flag. You deserve way better than that dude.

If you decide to give it another shot, set some clear boundaries. Like no more personal insults ever period, and he needs to show he understands how much he hurt you and prove he'll do better. But honestly? After all that, not sure I'd want to stay with someone who could say such mean stuff. Your feelings matter too, and being in a relationship should make you feel good, not shitty. Just my two cents though - ultimately you gotta do what feels right for you. But don't settle for less than you're worth, ya know?

[RavVid]

We do have higher expectations of a partner than anybody else. My perception of what a good girlfriend is very intuitive and will differ from your perception of being a good girlfriend is (vice versa too).

It is these different conceptions that cause conflicts. We all know fidelity is essential but low key stuff can be offensive. With one girlfriend, if I cooked I would dish up and serve her. If she cooked she would say serve yourself. i found that offensive and bad girlfriend behaviour. The point is we had different perceptions of what good partner behavior is. Trivial but it was underlying fights though never a direct cause.

Not every couple is blessed by having highly similar perceptions. Clearly your boyfriend has let forth some resentments in a tor****. He doesn't feel a need to apologize because they are very real to him.

This can go one of two ways.
1. You can both develop a deep understanding of what good partner behavior is and conform to that as an act of love.
2. Get out of each other's lives

With my past girlfriend example in her family home it was serve yourself. In mine the cook served. it went right back for both of us. It was easiest for me to start saying serve yourself to her. it took away my resentment though I still think serving is a nice final grace note to meal prep.

i don't think there is anything wrong with asking "What would a good girlfriend do?" or saying "A good girlfriend would do X". Invert for boyfriend. It just helps align what is done to your partners expectations. That past girlfriend might have thought it is a nice grace note to serve or he likes it and serves me so I will.

If you choose option 1 then forget what has been said. Realize it is about stuff like if it was serve your self or cook serves in your family home.

[Datboi65]

Some of them do, some of them don't. It depends on your willingness to continue and make it work.

I will also say it's absolutely NOT normal to say hurtful things in any relationship, and that should definitely raise some eyebrows. You need to raise the issue up and tell him what he said and how it made you feel and watch how he responds. If he apologizes, good. If he doesn't, well you know what to do from there.

If he apologizes, you can ask him about the girl he talked to and if he's still contacting her. Take his word for it and don't check his phone (because it makes you come across as insecure and controlling). If you notice change in behavior that suggests cheating, you know what to do.

From your point of view, if the two of you reconcile then make sure you're doing better as a girlfriend since you acknowledged that you aren't always treating him well.

[mobiusforniner]

Someone saying hurtful things is a big red flag. It means they’re emotionally reactive, have low self esteem, and lack self control. I’m willing to bet these qualities (or lack thereof) manifest themselves in other behaviors which likely contribute to the conflicts and arguments in your relationship.

[Crazzyyworld]

I think it’s quite normal. Two people see their flaws and not happy with it. Same thing happens to everyone who is in relationship with. Even the family members fingering each other. No body is perfect. But I think you need to take 50% and ignore 50%. I think that’s enough.

[luvstoned4him]

Not normal but we aren't perfect. I am in no means condoning what they do but I am saying that relatiionships are trial and error. What matter is the person apologizes and seeks to become a better person everyday

[nawtee_me]

You need to get rid of this guy and find you someone who builds you up instead of putting you down. Relationships are supposed to be where each other makes the others person a better version of themselves. You deserve better….

[slatyb]

No, it's not normal. It's destructive. If he doesn't see why his behavior is a problem, then there's little hope for a happy relationship.

[Peridot25]

If he hasn’t apologized and is going off to talk to random girls, he thought this way about you for a very long time. He just needed an opportunity to say how he truly felt.

[The_Confusion]

He's probably a good person. And you're a lowly grump.

[paledreams]

Broadly, and in this particular world reality, yes 🙄👀🤮

[ProbablyClueless]

Cruelty for cruelty's sake is never a normal or acceptable thing to do in a relationship.

[DrPepper12]

You have to learn HOW to communicate. Counseling individual or couples will help

[MyBrainsInsaneReign]

Kinda sounds like you need a new boyfriend no offense.

At the very least you should dump the one you have now.

[DishLady]

No, it's not.

[Daniela1982]

Not in good ones in my opinion.

[Yannae]

It's not normal.

[Iron_Man]

It is

[jahaims]

He is immature

[Anonymous]

No, but it happens.