When is it a red flag for my boyfriend to be unemployed?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend (24) quit his job at the end of June because he said his work environment was just toxic and he couldn’t take it anymore. he just graduated last year. he didn’t have a job lined up, so now he’s frantically searching for one and stressing about it. he told me he’s scared i would leave him because im so ambitious and that he feels like he’s failing as a boyfriend. im supporting him on this journey since he’s applying to jobs everyday, and i trust him he’ll find something but im wondering when im at my limit too and should really reconsider our relationship

Updates

22 d

thank you guys for your opinions. i just wanted to clarify that im in no position of considering a break up, but i understand that my wording of my question sounds like it. we are doing completely fine

[Finchie40]

If he is actively seeking work and applying to jobs like crazy , then you shouldn’t have any limits whatsoever, and have his back the same way you would want him to have yours especially if you left your job or got laid off or fired. A job shouldn’t define your love for someone , Jobs come and go all the time , so if he is actively seeking and applying to jobs like crazy , you should have is back no matter how long it takes for him to land one. The job market is complete garbage these days it’s the worst I have ever experienced in my lifetime. , I was laid off from my job this past January and I been applying every single day and barely getting shit whatsoever, nothing but runarounds and smoke being blown up my ass. My selfish wife didn’t have my back whatsoever , she did for a little bit but completely gave up on me because she is a selfish pos user , so now she is my ex and I realized she was nothing but a fucking user , considering all the jobs she had through the years that she quit and left because she wasn’t satisfied with it , but she knew she had me to fall back on to support her lazy ass , now that I am unemployed , her true colors shined that I am now all of a sudden a POS in her eyes , I have no support from her whatsoever , her selfishness shined bright the second money started to get tight , she started being disrespectful towards me and criticizing me and belittling me , withholding intimacy and affection from me
Like I had to earn it from her , so I told her it’s over between us because she is a fucking selfish pos user and I feel bad for any guy that falls for her selfish behavior but I will be happy to see her go. Now that I am single and unemployed actively seeking work , I have really nothing stopping me from moving so I been applying to jobs in other states as well and plan on selling my home and getting the fuck out of here and starting a new life and eventually find a girl that actually has a heart to has my back like I have hers. So if you love your boyfriend? Have his back and I am sure he will have yours when you run into an issue as well. Your boyfriend will eventually land a job , it’s just taking longer than usual because this country is sooo fucked up

[hahahmm]

Depends... I know multiple couples where the woman was way more ambitious and successful than the guy at least on paper. In one case the guy is a very hard worker, can do construction work or all kinds, has a day job and makes money on the side building custom stuff for people. His wife is an exec at some big company. They married young and it works for them. Seem to get along great! In the other two cases I know of there's lots of issues. In one the guy is just a lazy type even tho he has skills, he's okay with working 1/10th of the time and wife feels all the pressure to pay 95% of the bills. They sometimes don't get along for long stretches of time. In another case the wife is making a ton of money and the husband works and has a decent job but in her mind life is all about money so she's looking to upgrade which obviously causes issues. Now if he had married a less ambitious woman that woman would be very happy with how much money he makes. It's not like he's poor. He's just not as successful as the wife.

Obviously it's important to pick a guy who is a hard worker type and who also is at an ambition level that either matches or is above yours, in my opinion. I mean as in my first example if he's less ambitious that could work but it's not the usual case.

I also think that many guys actually try/work harder when they have no other choice. So a guy in a situation where you had no job at all or he lived on his own will behave differently than a guy with a girlfriend who is paying the bills. From my POV it's not natural for a guy to be supported. But if the guy is not abusive or wasting money on a drug habit and stupid stuff like that, I'd give him a chance. For example the guy who made Starbucks successful had to be supported by his wife for years before Starbucks really took off. A lot of women never want to be there for the hard times but are always around for the good times. Not saying you have to stay, just saying, for the right guy it's not like it's going to cost you in the long run.

Checkout my mytake on leadership. I think your boyfriend could learn something from reading that.

[hahahmm]

So as scary as it is.. he might actually do better if you suddenly had no money or pretended not to.

[Asker]

thank you for bringing up some really good points, i completely agree with you

[Peridot25]

If he’s trying, what’s the problem? If he’s applying left and right for jobs, why reconsider your relationship? Seems like you already have your heart set on leaving him anyway. Might as well get it over with.

[Asker]

no yea you’re right, i also consider it based on his actions and how much he’s trying

[Peridot25]

Ok, then why did you want to leave him? Was it because he didn’t get a job fast enough? I mean, that’s not really his fault if no one wants to call him back and set up an interview.

[Peridot25]

Although him quitting his job like that wasn’t the best choice, but it’s understandable. But, I’m still curious why you were reconsidering your relationship even when he was trying. Why was ending your relationship your first thought?

[Asker]

i think me wanting to reconsider my relationship is definitely due to my avoidant attachment tendencies, wanting to find any possible excuse in the relationship to leave, and i hate this feeling. it’s really a test of patience for me rn, so choosing to stay with him now will really be the ultimate test of whether i can heal from my avoidant issues

[Peridot25]

Then go ahead and leave. I mean, he already knows you will so why not go through with it?

[Asker]

no i don’t want to, that will just feed and confirm my avoidance and i know i’ll regret doing that later down the road

[Peridot25]

Well, there you go. Now’s your chance to reassure him you won’t leave and you’ll be cheering him on.

[TsundereMatrix]

It’s only a red flag when he’s not job searching and makes you pay for everything. Leaving a toxic job can be really good for your mental health.

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love, navigating the stormy seas of career changes and job hunting in a relationship tests the best of us. It sounds like your boyfriend took a leap of faith leaving a toxic job situation, trusting that something better is on the horizon. That's brave, but I get where your concern is sprouting from.

The red flag wouldn't be his current state of unemployment itself but more about how he handles this period. If he's actively job hunting, staying positive, and making efforts to contribute in other ways, those are green flags! It shows resilience, responsibility, and ambition, which are qualities you seem to admire. However, if months pass and you notice a pattern of excuses, lack of effort, or if it starts taking a toll on your own ambitions and mental health, that's when the red flags might start waving at you.

Support him, love, but also keep an eye on your own limits. Relationships are about balance, support, and growth, both together and individually. If you feel drained or if your relationship takes a nosedive because of his unemployment phase, it might be time to have a deep, heart-to-heart about your future together. Remember, it's okay to re-evaluate if love begins turning into resentment or if your paths start diverging too much. Keep that communication line open and sparkling, it's your best tool here!

[Miristheiss]

So you believe in gender rolls?

He can provide for you but it is a deal breaker if you have to provide for him?

So does that mean you also keep the role that a woman stays pure for her future husband?

Or do you just keep the roles that benefit you like he provides and you can work or not work, he asks the girl out, he pays for the first date and holds the door while you still post sexy online pics, sleep with as many guys as you want before marriage and still go out for drunk girls nights at the club.

[Asker]

i don’t really believe in gender rolls bc i don’t mind if i am the provider instead and that the gender rolls are switched, im just not understanding how this is relevant to my question

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

From the way you phrased your question, you almost seem to be asking for permission to break up with him, or looking for an excuse to break up with him.

You're not married to him. You can break up with him if you want. Just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it.

[Asker]

yea you’re right, it does sound like a lame excuse to break up with him. im really not trying to bc other than this job issue, im really grateful for him

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

Is money like really important to you? You can be honest no judgments.

[Asker]

it is important to me to be in a financially stable mode, but it a not the most important that i place it over my relationship

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

If you meet a guy at the grocery store later today, and he's the same age as your boyfriend, and equally good-looking, and you happen to know he has a net worth of fifty million dollars, and he asks for your phone number, what do you think his chances of getting your number would be?

[Asker]

he has no chance

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

So you're loyal. Okay.

And you're not planning on breaking up with your boyfriend.

But you think it might eventually become necessary, if he doesn't find a new job?

[Asker]

yes yea, that’s exactly my dilemma right now, if it will become a problem later down the road

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

How old are you?

[Asker]

im 23, almost 24

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

And you were hoping to get married soon and start your financially stable life? And your boyfriend quitting his job threw a wrench into that?

[Asker]

oh no noo, we just started dating, but we’re also at a time in our life where im almost deciding on where i want to work and live. i fully support his decision of quitting his job, its just a matter of where i would like to end up working and living, is it with him, or is it somewhere else?

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

Why so much loyalty then if you just started dating?

Not trying to challenge you, just confused.

[Asker]

i put in my all once i get into relationships, and i like to give my trust and loyalty to him as he does for me. im curious about your opinion, should i not give him that much loyalty then at this early stage?

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

I mean, only you can decide how much loyalty to give a person.

You do kinda seem to be struggling with this though. Kinda like you're worried that you're being too loyal too soon.

[Asker]

mmm im actually not worried about that right now, its more of if we are actually compatible for one another or not. i don’t question my loyalty to him, but i do need to consider whether him being unemployed will eventually be a toll on our relationship

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

Are you still in college? Getting attention from other guys?

[Asker]

i am still in college, and im pursuing my second bachelors, but no, i don’t get attention from other guys and i don’t want that

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

I thought there might be another guy in the picture.

Not a guy you're seeing, but maybe one you think about occasionally.

[Peridot25]

@SuchSightsToShowYou You thought there was another guy or were you hoping there was?

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

@Peridot25 Why would I hope for that? It doesn't benefit me either way.

[MrOracle]

The main thing is that he is making a real effort and is constantly searching for work. It's a tough environment right now, and he'd have been smarter to find a job before quitting the old one, but as long as he is looking every day and not just sitting in front of the TV, he should be working again before too long.

[exitseven]

does he have a pattern of quitting jobs because he says they are toxic? if so then maybe reconsider. There are some people who jut cannot work a 9-5 job.

[Asker]

no, this was his first job, but you’re right, i see where you’re coming from

[BarryLiverstone]

Are you financially supporting him? It was immature for him to quit his job without having another option. You can support him emotionally as you see him make efforts to find a new job

[Asker]

no, im not supporting him financially because im still a student and we are individually supporting, but i do agree with his immaturity. i am supporting him emotionally and that’s all i can do

[BarryLiverstone]

If you are worried that he will not find a job for a long time, I can see how that may affect your desire to stay in the relationship. Has he been on lots of interviews?

[Asker]

yeaa, i think bc im such an ambitious person, its hard for me to see him like this. he has been on lots of interviews, and its rejection after another

[BarryLiverstone]

If you are that ambitious. Then he must be worried that you would want a guy who earns $

[Asker]

mhm yea he’s worried about that, that he can’t live up to my standards

[Asker]

but i told him i don’t care about the amount he earns, just that he has a decent job

[BarryLiverstone]

Then it’s best to communicate and let him know your expectations. And how they may change in the future

[BarryLiverstone]

For example if you got married the kinda job or income you would expect him to be making or how to financially support a fam

[Asker]

yes you’re right, and we’ve talked about a bit

[BarryLiverstone]

And did he say if he’s getting feedback from the failed interviews?

[Asker]

not really, they’re just rejecting him

[nawtee_me]

Is your relationship based on money? Or is it based on love? If love then did either stop loving when he quit his job? Hopefully he learned that no matter how toxic the job is, it is better to have one lined up before quitting the one you have. So this doesn’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say since I don't know your boyfriend. I know even in my youth I never would have quit a job before having another one lined up. This is the only part that really concerns me about your post.

[Asker]

yeaaa i know, i was quite concerned when he didn’t line up a job afterwards too, but he was quite naive about the job industry and now he regrets doing that

[Anonymous]

it's very simple, really

would you want him to do the same to you if you were in his situation?

[Asker]

true, and yes i would like him to do the same for me, but i would also have the same concerns as him and wonder when his limits is if i had no job

[Peridot25]

@Asker So you would be ok if he left you even when you were trying?

[Asker]

no i wouldn’t be ok either, but i would completely understand his decision to leave me if i was unemployed for several months or more

[hahahmm]

"would you want him to do the same to you if you were in his situation?" You ask that as if men & women are the same.

[Opinion Owner]

@hahahmm this isn't about the genders being the same. it's about the values being the same

[hahahmm]

But what evidence do you have that men & women have the same values?

[Opinion Owner]

@hahahmm they don't. it's pick the best aspects of traditionalism e. g. chivalry and the best aspects of feminism e. g. equality but none of the disadvantages that come with either

[Hanrej]

I can't for the life of me understand how one can quit their job without having a second one lined up. No work environment is more toxic than unemployment

Being let go is one thing, but quitting? That's not an attitude that will get you very far.

[Asker]

yeaaaa i don’t get it either, seems like he’s really being humbled and learning his lesson now that he’s unemployed. im not taking his side, but i believe it was his naivety in the job force

[IslaTheWitch]

tell him to take any job, a few part-time jobs... whatever... even working below his ambitions, he still can look for his dream job

[Ms_Facesitter]

The moment he isn't lookingnfor one. Half assing things. My boyfriend was jobless for a few months but he kept on looking and now he's been working again :)

[Saggitariusdiva]

Because he won't be able to financially support you

[Asker]

wait what?

[Saggitariusdiva]

@asker if he is unemployed you won't be able to support you financially that is why it's a red flag that's what I mean

[Saggitariusdiva]

*he won't

[Asker]

i see, ok

[Anonymous]

red flag can be appear when your boyfriend doesn't seem to be struggling and is starting to depend on you.

but i hope not. hope the best for you both :)

[WhitneySnow]

Give him a chance. I’m sure he’ll find something.

[LiamJHayden]

If he were sitting an how playing games I'd say ditch him, but if he's trying that is different.

[DextroShade]

The guy correctly recognizes that he is on a clock and if he doesn't find a job you will leave him.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry about this. Unemployment is now a serious problem for the country. The result of this survey is very striking.
Election poll ! Who do you think should be president? ? ↗
Take part in the poll if you wish

[DrPepper12]

Anytime anyone quits their job without having another job lined up is a red flag on any gender. 🚩

[noohair]

You don't quit until you have something lined up. Then you give notice.

[Blacksnake285]

When he’s not looking for a job. It’s not a red flag if he can’t find a job. As long as if he’s looking than it’s okay

[Cheerfull009]

You must help him , he has hard time now

[Consent]

break up with him today lol