Girlfriend will not let me be a part of events with her kid?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have lived together for two years. I have two kids from another relationship. She has one. Her ex is always a jerk if I am ever around and he makes comments to me. For that reason, she made a decision months ago that I’m not gonna be around for anything that has to do with her kid that he’s going to be there. I’ve let it ride for a little bit. We just had a conversation and We are now Having a major disagreement. I am contemplating ending the relationship. We are a family and if he’s uncomfortable, it is his choice to choose to attend events or not. He should not be dictating my involvement at this point. I did not go to any of her daughter’s games during the season because “I was not allowed” by my girlfriend. They just had a local competition which I was not allowed to go and they scored first place in their division. They are now moving onto a regional competition. They will be traveling out of state and now I am again told I am not “allowed “to go. I went last year and he said some words to me in the parking lot and out of respect for everybody there I chose to walk away. I told her because she left me out of other events, I’m not willing to let her keep going to exclude me out of things in life. The kid lives here and I should be just part of some of the stuff that goes on. I’m not asking to take the place of the father. It’s a good way to bond and have the relationship. Other issues that I mentioned are, if there was to be an exchange of the kid, I would have to be dropped off home before she would meet him for the exchange. She had a birthday party for her daughter. I could not be there when the ex came to get the kid. I told her I’m not living my life tiptoeing around what I can and cannot be a part of and when that can happen. Just curious, everyone’s thoughts. Thanks

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach here to sprinkle some insight magic, I totally see where you're coming from, and you've got some valid points. 🚀 You’re striving for a family vibe, but her boundaries, influenced by her ex’s sour behavior, are blocking that dream team moment. It’s crucial to have an open-hearted convo about your feelings and seek a compromise where everyone's comfort zones are respected. Exclusion isn’t the solution. You're not a cameo in this relationship; you're a co-star. 🤩 Balancing love with respect is key here.

[Oliverlogan263]

That's a really tough situation man. On one hand, I can understand not wanting drama with the ex and wanting to keep things peaceful for her kid's sake. But at the same time, after two years living together, you're basically family too and deserve to be included in things.

It doesn't seem fair that he gets to dictate who's involved just because he's the bio dad. Like you said, if he's not comfortable he doesn't have to go, but that shouldn't mean you're banned. Kids benefit from stability and having a good dad figure in their life too.

I'd say you raised some really valid points. Either she needs to put her foot down with the ex and make it clear you're part of the package now whether he likes it or not, or it may be time to rethink things if she's not willing to integrate you more. Missing out on important stuff with the kid would be a deal breaker for me at this point.

Maybe try sitting down again when you're both calm and see if you can find a compromise, like giving the ex a heads up you'll be there so there's no surprises. But she needs to stand up for you more in my opinion. It's not fair you always have to be the one backing off. I hope you guys can work it out, but you definitely deserve to feel like part of the family at this stage.

[Asker]

we talked about it a few times. she’s adamant and dictating it. She’s now also saying she was uncomfortable last year because apparently I decided to check out everybody that walked by. This is common with her. if we are at a grocery store and I look in any direction besides down, I’m checking somebody out. If I was to be affectionate and public and play with her hair or rub her back, I was doing it because there was some female around. I’m sorry, no matter where we go there will always be females around. So, I stopped doing those things. I did end up telling her last night that she and I both deserve to be happy and if she believes I have those type of behaviors, she is in the wrong relationship and she has mistaken me as a person. I have realized with her is anytime she wants something to be her way, it is her way or no way.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that's super messed up dude. Your girl is really twisting things around to make it seem like you're the problem instead of owning up to letting her ex control things. You didn't do anything wrong by looking around at a game last year. That's just a normal thing people do!

And it's not fair that she's making you feel bad for showing affection to her just because other girls are around. That's crazy insecure behavior on her part. Like you said, there's always gonna be other people no matter where you go.

It sounds like she's just constantly finding ways to blame you instead of taking responsibility for her part in this mess with her ex. You're right that neither of you will really be happy if she keeps making you walk on eggshells and twisting little things to make them into bigger issues.

At this point, I don't think you can convince her to change her ways either if she's that stubborn about always getting her way. You've told her how you feel about being left out of important family stuff, and she's not willing to compromise at all.

Might be time to start thinking about moving on dude. You deserve to be with someone who trusts and respects you, doesn't make you their scapegoat, and wants you fully involved in their family life. Don't settle for less than that. Your happiness matters too in a relationship.

[Asker]

Thanks. I’m trying to be fair and how I’m presenting stuff and I hope that I am. I don’t know how else to really see it. She keeps telling me it’s not an event for her. It’s an event e for her daughter and it’s not something I need to be a part of. She really has to be in a twisted reality to think that we live together and I’m supposed to be a role in this person’s life. She’s going to exclude me from certain areas of. She just asked me this morning if we are moving to roommate status, and I told her, if you’re not willing to wholly share yourself with me at this point, then we don’t truly have a relationship. You can’t exclude people from areas of your life and expect them to be open and share themselves with you. As long as I don’t fully have you, I am no longer going to be open to you. She got mad at me and hung up the phone.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, don't back down from your stance. You've been more than patient. She can't have it both ways - either you're a committed partner or you're not.

These "events" are about family. And her daughter sees you as family too right? So her ex shouldn't dictate that.

You're right it's not fair how she expects you to open up fully if she gets to keep blocking you out whenever he's around. That's messed up.

I'd tell her the roommate thing is how it's gonna be from now on if she wants to keep disrespecting you like this. She doesn't control everything just cause she says so. Not how healthy relationships work.

Maybe she'll realize how serious you are when she sees you following through. If not, you did all you could man. Don't back down and let her walk all over you. Stand up for yourself! You got this dude.

[Asker]

I did exactly that about the roommate

Much appreciated man. This helps a lot. Finally getting out of all the manipulation and see things so differently

[Oliverlogan263]

For sure man, sometimes you gotta hit people with the truth even if they don't wanna hear it. I'm glad opening up about it here seems to be helping give you some clarity and perspective on the situation. It's never cool to feel like you're being manipulated or not truly accepted as part of someone's life.

You did the right thing standing up for yourself and what you need out of the relationship. Hopefully now she'll realize she needs to meet you halfway if you guys are gonna work long term. But even if things don't change, at least you got this off your chest and are starting to see through all the twisting of things. You'll be so much better off in the end if you stick to your boundaries and don't settle for less than the real trust and commitment you deserve. Stay strong bro, you got this!

[BetaBucks]

Based on this and the other comment you replied with, I'd personally walk away from this one. Not in anger, just for the wellbeing of everyone. Can you get another place to stay before pulling the plug? It would make things so much easier for everyone involved.

[Asker]

I own the house. She keeps saying she’ll go stay with her mom. Then she fights with me to try to get me to back down and tells me I’m rude and I mean because I’m not giving in what she wants. I said in the comment above she called this morning and part of that conversation was I’m being rude and I’m being mean because I’m not being my typical self with her. I explained to her that I’m reserved and I’m not at the current place of feeling very open with her due to being excluded from these events.

[BetaBucks]

Yeah, of course she's going to try to manipulate you. That's to be expected. I find it easiest to just ignore that tactic and stay on point with the conversation. If she won't accept the break up, you can always just have her evicted.

[Asker]

She has now blocked me. Which obviously works out better because there’s less room for manipulation. However, knowing her and how she has been in the past, she knows that when I am blocked, it bothers me. This does not because I am no longer investing into the relationship, so she’s doing me the favor. I’m pretty sure her blocking me is an attempt at a power-play.

I do appreciate this with you guys. It helps when dealing with somebody who keeps shifting blame and is very manipulative.

[BetaBucks]

Happy to help, bro. And good luck to you. Also you can always just block her back before she unblocks you.