My husband is aggressively pursuing another woman - what should I do - read details please?

[Anonymous]

I was engaged to my now husband for 10 years and we got married 4 months ago. We have 1 child together who is 4. I nearly forced him into the marriage so that as a family we'd have the same last name for our child. I feel as though he fell out of love with me years ago but we have our moments and so i believed we could get the spark back if we tied the knot officially. In any case. I recently saw notifications on his phone and looked while he was in shower and discovered that him and a friend of his from high school have reconnected on social media and they have been talking nearly everyday. From what I have read - he is aggressively pursuing HER and she consistently reminds him that he is married and doesn't respond to his validation requests. He tells her that he misses her, that he thinks about her, that she's stunningly beautiful, his dream girl, and even implies he'd leave me for her, etc etc. She lives quite far away and appears to be some sort of executive that went to an ivy league school and he has been begging her to let him come visit her. She has been shutting it down but says she loves being friends again because its brings "nostalgia". However I can also see they've had multiple calls. This girl is beautiful and she is a gym person like my husband - they appear to be bonding over fitness. I feel very insecure about this. She looks nothing like me as well - completely different race. Do I tell my husband I went through the phone or what do I do? Only way to discuss this is by admitting I went through his phone. At the moment he hasn't even seen her yet.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I hate to say it, but the sooner you recognize that you made a terrible mistake marrying this guy, the better. Engaged for ten years? You've got to be kidding me. Just talk to a really good attorney and divorce him. It's better to do it before it gets messy, and right now he would probably think it was a God-send. Don't bother with confronting him; you will never get him back because you never had him in the first place. Just make a fair plan for a divorce settlement and custody. In other words, don't get him for all he's worth. You are partly responsible and need to keep things as fair as possible for the child's sake. Then, make a plan, and rebuild your life.

There is a quote I love, and I can't find who wrote it, but I think it's appropriate to share here:

"Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.

Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard.

Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.

Starting a business is hard. Working a 9 to 5 is hard. Choose your hard.

Life will never be easy, but you can choose your hard."

[Asker]

not engaged 10 years, together 10 years. we were engaged nearly 8 but he never wanted to actually get married and then I planned everything and told him to show up essentially on the day. But you are right. I have been reading he messages now when I can and he is speaking to this woman in a way he never spoke to me. As of late, she is pushing him away because she isn't interested in someone married and feels she can do better and he is trying super hard to convince her to give him a shot. It is devastating to read him try harder than he ever did with me to win her over and he hasn't even seen her since they were kids! He showers her with compliments, says he can't stop thinking about her. Its insane.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I can imagine how awful it must be. You will definitely experience grief with this. Contrary to popular belief, grief doesn't have stages, though. It's just all your most powerful feelings happening at once with no filter and no warning. :(

I feel sorry for her, actually. She's smarter than this.

Get your plan made first so you don't end up in a bad position. But don't stay in a situation that never should have happened to begin with.

And a word of advise from a widowed mother: Don't jump straight into another relationship. You will feel like doing that and I strongly suggest you avoid the temptation. Heal up, get some therapy and good habits in place, possibly some higher education, and stabilize yourself. Then you can date and practice boundaries.

[Asker]

thank you - I agree. I need to think about my child and our businesses. But why did you say you feel and for his "friend"? She honestly doesn't sound like she will take him on. She ignores him for like a week at a time and he badgers her with messages. I feel she might like the attention potentially. He is also lying to her a lot - making it sound like our marriage is in pieces, lying and saying he sleeps in a different bedroom, etc.. It sort of is but I did not really know it actively if that makes sense? The girl he is messaging ignores him a lot, responds with a change in topic about something related to the gym as they both work out a lot, or she says "you are married".

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think she does like the attention, especially if she has had problems finding someone. The fact she hasn't cut him off completely indicates that she may be saying what's "right" but it may not be exactly how she feels. That's why I feel for her a bit. She is trying to keep a boundary, but hasn't yet realized that with this kind of situation, she needs to engage her "ice queen" mode and tell him off in no uncertain terms. She needs a good friend who sees what's happening and will tell her she needs to lose this guy (not you, but someone in her life). That's all. Technically, according to what you said, she is trying to fend him off and no cheating has occurred on her end.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Also, her saying "You are married" means very little, because in a guy's mind, all he has to do to be considered is to be "unmarried". She isn't being direct enough.

[PeachyPie93]

He showed you for 10 years you weren't really the one.. because when you are a guy would jump to tie you down.. I don't know why you would force something that felt dead for years? I would tell him what you seen and then talk about it.. I would divorce him, though I feel like if things don't work out with the other girl he would try to come back in which case you can't let him lol.

[Asker]

If he feels im not the one then why would he want to come back? Also why do men not just break up before pursuing someone else? It makes women feel like placeholders. I have so many feelings going through my head right now that I am trying to work through before I decide what I say to my husband.

[PeachyPie93]

He would comeback because you are convenient and probably cook, do his laundry and are the mother of his kid.. People don't breakup first because they want to know they have a sure thing before they make drastic choices or that they just want to make sure they really like the other person..

[Joshua_H_1010011001]

If the boot was on the other foot, I'd be gone.

That's it.

You have got the kids to think about.

But you need to bring this up, take a break, suggest some counselling and be willing to put the effort in your end to, he has lost love for a reason, and you admited you pushed him into it. So there's issues anyway.

It's up to you in terms of what your willing to do, I guess it will be very important on how he reacts, if he's open, honest and in Ernest, willing to discuss the issues, then might be worth a go at saving it.

But if you can't deal with it right (as this may well be why he has gotten side tracked) then your probably finished anyway.

Brace for the worst, but best to get it out in the open.

Be kind, and think of the kid. ❤️

[Finchie40]

He clearly doesn’t love and value you by him investing his time into this other girl , you should of immediately screenshotted those messages and sent them to your phone for evidence and then confront him about what you saw on his phone and tell him you want a divorce , don’t give him a second chance , realize you deserve better than that shit. Just think what would have happened if you didn’t see those messages on his phone? He would be going to visit that girl and cheated on you without you knowing. Kick his ass to the curb where he belongs

[Asker]

thank you very much for the support. Im not sure he will get to see her. I read their conversation going back a few months and he asks her almost everyday to visit and she says no or ignores him LOL that is why I am conflicted. She seems to not be into him the way he is obsessed with her. She constantly says "you are married. You have nothing to offer me" The part that devastated me was he is starting to suggest that maybe he won't be married if he can just meet her and see if there is something there in person. But she responds with stuff like she does not want to be apart of him ending a marriage and stuff like that. But for me I am worried if I confront him, he will only focus on the fact that I went through his phone and not what I actually want to discuss. He even told her he only married me because of paperwork for our child, that he didn't want to be married. I did pressure because we were engaged for so long and he never seemed interested in making it official. I just dont know if its really cheating as he hasn't even seen her?

[Finchie40]

Whether she is interested or not , He is still cheating on you by pursuing this girl behind your back , it will just be a matter of time before he does it again to some other girl behind your back , don’t fall for that nonsense , life is to short to think love will save the day cuz to be honest with you it doesn’t , I been down that road a few times already to eventually end up with Sucker written on my head , understand you saw those messages for a reason , a reason for you to put an end to that relationship , and go find yourself someone that wouldn’t betray you that way. I know you love him and have a history with him but understand just because you love someone and have a history with someone it doesn’t mean you have to be with that someone , they clearly aren’t choosing you , so why choose them? Love only grows when 2 people choose each other over everyone else in this world. You are selling yourself short if you do not leave him and sadly you are
Missing out on true love

[Asker]

thanks. just we have a child and property and a business together. This is devastating. You are correct though about it not mattering if she sees him or not because the fact he is pursuing her is the problem. He seems so obsessed even, not just for sex, he seems to really like her. He showers her with compliments and I am really heart broken after reading those messages.

[Finchie40]

I know you are hurting and I know the pain you are going through trust me , but understand you don’t deserve this whatsoever, you did nothing wrong to deserve this , he is the POS. , just because you have things invested together , understand they are just things , that you will more than likely receive most of it in court , because he is the one cheating on you , you can get his ass for Adultery, so do what’s best for you and stand your ground girl , You deserve so much better. Just imagine what he would do to you if you were the one cheating on him? Don’t think he would be fine with it and say it’s ok that you broke the trust between us? He would make your life a living hell mark my words. So you are best to do what’s best for you and kick his ass to the curb where he belongs. Confront his ass on those messages , who cares if he is mad about you checking his phone , He will only be mad because you busted him. You are the only one that has a right to be mad period.

[Asker]

you are right - thank you. I have a lot to process

[Finchie40]

Sending prayers your way

[Asker]

@finchie40 I've read further in the latest chat and I dont understand why he is desperately pursuing this girl if she seemingly is rejecting him? Is this even real then? From the latest messages, he said something that upset her and she's ignoring him. He is badgering her and begging her. Her only response was to go back to your wife, that she's not into married men and that she doesn't like the way he's speaking to her. I can't find the thing he said that upset her but it doesn't sound like he's going to run off with her if that makes sense?

[Finchie40]

Whether he runs off with her or not , his intentions is to cheat on you and betray you , whether it’s this girl or not

[AI Opinion]

I'm here to help untangle those relationship woes. 💖 Relationships can be super challenging, and what you're feeling is entirely valid. You've stumbled upon a classic case of emotional boundaries being crossed, and that's a big red flag. Trust's the backbone of any relationship, and it seems like yours needs a little TLC. You might consider having a heart-to-heart with your hubby about your feelings and concerns, without focusing on snooping through his phone. That sincere communication might just be what you need to rekindle the spark and remind him why he fell in love with you. Stay confident and remember, you've got this. 😉

[Summeroflove]

You nearly forced him into marriage… yeah it definitely seems like he’s going to cheat if he hasn’t already you need to file for divorce. You’re going to be miserable with him and you just can’t force someone to love you.

I think forcing his hand in marriage is going to make things a whole lot worse.

[Natasha1995]

One thing is for them to be talking. Another thing altogether is what's being said.

Confront him. Don't tell him that you've read the conversations, but ask him straight at a moment his guard is off. His reaction will say more than words. He may not have cheated on you yet, but his intentions are clear to me.

[molonski2]

Well , this is what happens when you force people into marriage for incorrect reasons , he is a young healthy man , and she sounds like a very good match for him , you have been sneaky looking though a phone without permission , I'd sadly say its all over between you , its simply a matter of time , but you should not have forced him into marriage for the kid.

Its never going to work , he is a fit gym guy.

[Asker]

If she were such a match, she would be agreeing to see him. All she does is reject him and he continues trying to pursue her. Yes I arranged the wedding but he did propose 5 years before we got married on his own he just never actioned anything after that. Suddenly now he's trying to claim he wants to marry some old friend after finding her within a few months. I really don't understand men.

[lightbulb27]

that's a tough one. in my view, he's being avoidant, which means deep rooted issues. he's being avoidant committing to you.

he hasn't given up on his fantasy.

some sort of therapy, come to jesus, growing up. I'd take the tact of trying to figure out what it is he is avoiding and what emotion is in control and why.

something like that...

[Asker]

what do you mean by being avoidant committing to me but hasn't given up on his fantasy? Does he not really want this friend or does he not really want me?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he's feeling trapped if you forced the marriage on him. Not the best way to start a marriage but he went along with it presumably.
You might want to take some photos of the conversation. Then ask him about it. Clearly this is not ok but it might be a fantasy if she's far away, it's one person, and she's not really interested (although likes the attention).

[Asker]

thanks - I have checked again and yea he seems to be wearing her down. I think he is managing to convince her to visit as a friend but she won't let him stay in her place. I am keeping an eye out for fake work trips coming up. and I will do that - take photos of the conversation next time I have an opportunity. My concern is she seems like she's only not interested because he is married. She hasn't said she isn't attracted to him. And so I am worried he wants to see her to decide if she's worth blowing up our life together for.

[bowenw]

It sounds like your relationship with him is more for convenience than affection. Personally I would rather be happy than spend years with someone that didn't care.

[Abbycado]

Make him your ex husband.

[talentedclock]

What fucking planet are you from?