What would you do about a friend who gets in a relationship and suddenly stops talking to you?

Question

I have a friend who every time he gets into a relationship he just stops talking to me. I try initiate conversations and while I do get replies it's always very short and one sided. I know at one point I've brought it up he said his girlfriend at the time didn't like us talking. Understandable. I'm not trying to cause mistrust. But now he's with a girl who he's known since middle school, who knows me, has had chats with me and asked me for advice before so I feel like the excuse isn't the same. Im trying to just give him space and let him enjoy the relationship but a part of me feels empty not keeping in touch.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Had this happen to me before with my closest friend. Her girlfriend at the time was totally all-consuming and rarely let her have time to herself.
The relationship was quite toxic, and I pointed this out to her, but never told her what to do - that was on her to figure out.
We went from hanging out every week to hanging out every month, but I made it a point to be there regardless, in case she needed it.

The two broke up and she didn't realise until then what kind of relationship she had actually been in. We talked about it a lot. She said to me "I know how I treated you in this relationship, and you were always there regardless. If I ever do any such a thing again, you call me out on it."

Fast forward to a few years later, she started dating a guy and told him about me. Apparently she never considered anyone a best friend, but me, because I stuck around even when she wasn't really there herself. She's been actively making it a point to see me at least once a week and if we're unable to, we plan ahead. Sometimes I wonder if she feels guilty about it, for how severely she goes out of her way to hang out with me, even when circumstances seem to get in the way - but I know, and she knows, I'd do the same thing if she asked me to.

This doesn't always happen though. It takes a good amount of introspection to recognise your behavior and be willing to do anything about it. I never saw her as any less of a friend during the period of time she had a girlfriend, and don't see her as any more of a friend now that she has a boyfriend. To me, she was always the person I had the best of times with, and I count myself lucky to have someone to share so many memories with - I wouldn't want to be less of a friend to her, for having new or different priorities. Bút if the behavior persists and they aren't willing or don't see an issue with it - that's when you have to ask yourself whether or not you want to have such a friend.

bobalife · Accepted Answer

It's complicated because it is never really the same situation for everyone, but it sucks no matter what feeling distant with friends. A few potential choices to consider are (1) talk about your concerns of feeling distant, wanting to understand why this friend does not make time for your friendship whenever he is taken, and how to maintain your friendship from both parties (2) accept radical changes that some people will kinda disappear once they're in a relationship and we gotta invest in other friendships who will also value us with or without a partner, or (3) take time to reflect if this friendship is still serving you where you are in your life, your views on friendships, and if its a friendship that's still worth saving rather they may come back or not.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It happens a lot when people decide to get into a relationship with someone , they invest so much of their time into the relationship that they tend to distance themselves from their friends’. And focus on the relationship instead. All you can do is accept it for what it is , I know it sucks at times , but that’s just how most people are. I use to have a big group of friends that I was very close to , we always hung out and did things together , but the second one of my friends met a girl , we barely saw him anymore or at all. Because he invested so much of his time into this girl instead. It happens with Guys’ and Girls’ all the time. Why people in relationships should never prioritize their friends’ over their partner , because the second a friend meets someone they fall for , they will disappear on you as well. But Your partner will stand by your side as long as you stand by theirs your partner should be your best friend over everyone else , if they aren’t? That relationship will probably not last long. So your friend is just investing his time into his girlfriend instead, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you anymore , it just means he likes spending time more time with his partner more , which should be his best friend and lover , so it’s the respectful thing for him to do in his relationship. If he ever breaks up with that girl , he might reach out to you again , because he now has time to do so again. Now that most of my friends’ are in relationships now , I barely hear
From any of them , just once in awhile they will call and say what’s up , but I barely hang out with them anymore because they are so invested in their relationships, Which I tend to do the same thing when I am in a relationship as well

Levin · Accepted Answer

I think it's important to clarify your feelings.

Is it a sense of injustice because you feel he's only there for you on his terms.

Or is it because you feel lonely.

Or maybe it's something else.

And if it's to do with loneliness, is there a deeper pervading sense of loneliness. Like very few people actually listen to you? If it is loneliness in general, a lot of people might have deeper issues of rejection, loneliness, people not being there for them in formative relationships. So it can kneed deeper traumas.

I had this one issue not long ago, slightly different. She has a boyfriend. But we would connect stupidly well. If I met her let's say at 2pm, there would not be one silence even at 11pm when I dropped her off. Anyway, she used to message me for hours a day. And the conversation was always easy and brilliant.

But whenever I asked whether she wanted to do something in real life, it was like, nah. I fucked that one off, but it was painful. Definitely did bring up those deeper emotions that I was referring to.

But dynamics between friends when one of those are in relationships is always kind of funny. I suppose it comes back to power. Sadly, there are subtle power dynamics in relationships. And I suppose those in a relationship do kind of have the power to be there as a friend or not.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As a relationship coach, I aim to help you navigate these tricky situations. It sounds like your friend is experiencing classic ghosting behavior while he's on his love journey. 😅 People sometimes focus all their energy on new relationships, forgetting about their loyal pals. Your feelings of emptiness are totally valid. 🥺 Giving him space is wise, but you might want to remind him that friendships should be celebrated, not paused. Share how you value the friendship beyond romantic entanglements. Hopefully, he'll realize that balancing love and friendship harmonizes relationships. Hang in there, love warrior! 🌟❤️

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Try discussing this pattern with him the next time he is not in a relationship.

DishLady · Answer

Nothing. But when the relationship ends and the person comes back don’t give them prioritize them.

Shiprex · Answer

I think it is normal that a person will prioritise their relationship partner over an opposite sex friend in the beginning and may turn back to the friend once they are confident in the strength of their relationship. It's time dependent and may or may not pan out as a return to old times or not.

When you feel you are missing out on something from them, what is that something and is it something that if you were in a relationship you wouldn't miss out on? If so then there's your answer, you were relying on him brining something a relationship would bring to you but in a friendship. He has a responsibility to himself to seek happiness and maybe he gets from his relationship what he was getting from you and so splitting that need or desire between you and his partner may not be easy or fair to anyone so it's on to just one of you. You could ask him what it is he got from you that he no longer seems to need or want if you don't already know? You aren't entitled to his time or commitment but want it which is difficult for you but for him he is putting his time and commitment into himself and his relationship.

If he does split will you be there for him? The message some are saying here is NO, limit commitment which isn't how a friend should behave. People deserve the right to be focused on their own relationships for what value they bring and not hold back on showing absolute commitment to their partner and relationship.

hahahmm · Answer

You know when you find the right guy who you want to be with & if he didn't want you being friends with this guy you would cut him off like turning the water faucet off. Maybe not on day 1 but definitely if you're really into that boyfriend and want him to believe you are.

And among people in very serious relationships there's no such thing as close opposite sex friends. Not that I've seen. Maybe get used to not being too close to this guy.

Don't listen to people who are experts in short term relationships and broken relationships but not real serious stuff that lasts.

Mollylogin · Answer

I've had similar experiences, only it was girl friends of mine that blew me off when they were in relationships, so it wasn't a jealousy issue. I understood, because her priorities changed and I know I've done the same when I've been in a relationship.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

A friend is a friend & a friendship is a wonderful thing & when it comes to a relationship if a friend enters into a relationship with someone else it sucks when they vanish.

The best thing you can do is just live your life & wait for your friend to reach out.

Purpleronnie · Answer

It may seem harsh but I wouldn’t tolerate that sort of behavior from a “friend”. I don’t need friends who leech from my time or life. Friends are those that I can trust , whom I support and whom I can call on for theirs.

In your situation with what you have said I couldn’t and wouldn’t regard this guy as a friend and would treat him accordingly

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on how close the friend is. If they’re just a regular friend, just let is go. If they’re a close friend and you know the right people, plant some illegal materials on the person they’re dating and report them. The friend will immediately see that they are in the wrong and that they should’ve never stopped being a friend unless you get caught trying to frame the person in the relationship and then, well, you’re screwed and you probably will never even speak with your friend again but that’s kind of where you started out in the first place so there’s really no harm in at least trying.

1920s_Vamp · Answer

I suppose he's approaching it from this perspective. If the person with whom he hopes to build a future is not his first priority, he feels he is doing something wrong. I'm not saying he should abandon his friendship with you, but the person he loves and may one day marry should be his number one.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Well, I guess we would have to know the nature of you guys relationship in the first place to give a good answer.. It seems like maybe he would rather limit interaction with you as to not jeopardize his relationships, especially if they are new..

Raphaëlle · Answer

Friendships can be a bit tricky in this situation. It might be something you don't know about maybe his girlfriend has set some boundaries and she doesn't like that he talks with you too much. Has something happened so you two aren't as close as before? Could have nothing to do with the girlfriend at all. Focusing on a new relationship in the beginning is normal but cutting contact down to zero with friends is not.

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

On average people lose 2-3 friends when entering a healthy relationship, according to Oxford University that is, it's possible it will remain this way if the relationship becomes strong, for now I think giving space is good, maybe when he's free he will use that time with his friends.

SleepingHazard · Answer

He needs to be man enough to confront you about it and be upfront, and not keep you in the dark and guessing just because he is seeing someone else. If he values the friendship, and genuinely sees you as a friend, his behavior shouldn't change, or at least not make you feel like you are the issue.

Anonymous · Answer

I've got a friend who that's her MO, gets into a relationship, stops talking to everyone, breaks up with him, and then begs everyone to forgive her... many haven't, and while I'm personally sick of it, I'll bring her back into my world and still be here for her

PeachyPie93 · Answer

It's kind of normal with opposite sex friends.. he doesn't need you when he has a girlfriend.. So find a girl best friend it's less likely to happen.

CuriousKevin_ · Answer

It’s more likely he’s feeling guilty being friends with you as he has some attraction to you so when he’s in a relationship and being committed to them he doesn’t feel comfortable being in contact with you.

Redstang88 · Answer

Totally normal, especially with opposite sex friends. Start spending a lot more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend will by default mean less time/contact with other people. Life happen, friends come and go, no big deal

NicholasRedone · Answer

Shrug, some folks are like that.  I borrowed that line from somewhere lol on television lol 📺

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

Make sure he isn isn't that using you for the green card.

Still-alive · Answer

I would just bring it to his attention once more and if his behavior doesn't change just let him go unfortunately. You can only do so much in this situation.

Flower7 · Answer

You should stop being friends with him. Seems like he’s using you as some type of back-up.

AydenHazor · Answer

I've got friends like that. I didn't invest in those friendships nearly as much as in others that are present regardless of situation. They'll show up again when they show up

WhitneySnow · Answer

Reach out to him. Tell him how you feel. If he still refuses, I guess ghost him back.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

There's not much you can do in a situation like that besides find a new friend.

dudeinohio · Answer

In a relationship, the partner frequently does not like it if the other partner has an opposite sex friend. For me it's a deal-breaker.

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

That shows he's likely a hopeless romantic, and I'd have a "between us boys" talk to him about not completely deserting a buddy every time he gets a new girlfriend.

DJB72 · Answer

Give them space. They'll come back if they're really a friend

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

I move on, that just means that they weren't a real friend to begin with.

Anonymous · Answer

once you get older, you start to care less. because people get their own lives. it just happens.

Nik1hil · Answer

I would send them messages every once in a while around once a month to check on them!..

Zoommergal · Answer

My best friend always does this, without fail. There isn't a lot you can do other than wish them the best.

nawtee_me · Answer

I have had that happen a few times. I don’t understand the jealousy or lack of trust some people have. (by the way is that a new profile pic?)

Tomisworthless · Answer

Lol what isn't he doing what all men are demanded to do when entering a committed relationship?

Stravoula96 · Answer

Depends might be worried cause that’s one of sign of a controlling partner.

Anonymous · Answer

It's not fair but it is human nature. He obviously finds new relationships very involving and he's probably got limited headroom with his sociability.

jahaims · Answer

He wasn't your friend. He kept you around for attention and or for potential pussy

hello4433 · Answer

People come and go so I don't care. It's fine if they don't wanna talk

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

He’s not a good friend. A person shouldn’t treat their friend like that, regardless of being in a relationship or not.

Sylvia76 · Answer

For me, i was never the one who go and talk to my friends. All of my friends come and talk to me. So i think i don't need to do anything.

Anonymous · Answer

Who cares people come and go part of life plenty of other wonderful people to be friends with in this big world

Isiayah · Answer

that would suck, I would lose trust in that person

itsannalee · Answer

Just stop being friends with them

linka_pat307 · Answer

Am sure he ain't the only friend in your box

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like high school.

VSCOgirl4eva · Answer

I would be really hurt and just cry all day

GlowUpGirly5 · Answer

He was never your friend.

LiamS95 · Answer

It's never easy being a third wheel.

Crazzyyworld · Answer

I usually bitch at him. And leave

PrettyCrumblBb · Answer

She's his priority not you, get over it.

Aurav22 · Answer

Leave the table if respect not served

dudewithnoname · Answer

Send them off kicking rocks

PeterLegg91 · Answer

I'd fuck them off out of my life

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

I'd let her live her life and be happy for her

eagle1951 · Answer

find a new friend

katiesmuff · Answer

Leave her be!

Dina2000 · Answer

Possibly be worried.

Cheerfull009 · Answer

Don't disturb them,

What would you do about a friend who gets in a relationship and suddenly stops talking to you?

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What would you do about a friend who gets in a relationship and suddenly stops talking to you?

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My friend stopped talking with me because I’m in a “relationship.”What should I do?

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