Me and my boyfriend have very different argument skills - how to handle this?

[Anonymous]

I know all couples have their little spats. Everyone has an argument here and there. But I also know how you react and handle them is everything. I just feel like he really doesn't handle them well at all and things always get blown REALLY out of proportion.

For context, we don't even have issues often. We only have an argument/issue maybe once a month. So we aren't having issues every week or anything. But it just kind of bothers me how he goes about things when we do have an issue.

With me, I prefer CALM communication. I vote on each of us taking some time to ourselves to settle down, then meet back up to discuss things and figure out a resolution/compromise. He does not. He wants a battle. He wants yelling. He wants silence. When he gets mad, he starts to raise his voice even when I am trying to speak calmly about it later. He likes to pull the silent treatment and ignore me. He withholds affections and saying I love you. He knows I love you is a VERY important thing to me, so him refusing to say it just because he's upset really hurts me bad.

The last disagreement we had, he drug it out for three days. He refused to communicate. If I tried after a cool down period, he started to raise his voice again so I dropped it. He wouldn't say I love you, hug me, kiss me, etc. the whole time. Three whole days of that. It really hurt me and made me feel like he didn't love me or want to be with me anymore. If I ASK if he still wants me, he gets mad again and says why would you think I didn't?

A lot of times, he doesn't even apologize after this happens. He will just resume normal behavior as if nothing ever happened. After this last argument he just started saying I love you again and acted like nothing ever happened. No apology l. No mention of the issue. Just resumed totally normal behavior.

I don't really know what to think about this. Should I really just leave it rest and just act like nothing ever happened like he does?

Updates

1 y

The arguments are often VERY petty as well. He gets mad about something minor then I get upset with him for blowing it out of proportion and being rude. I walk away for cool down time and he gets madder and says I'm not wanting to discuss things. Then I get frustrated because I WAS just trying to talk calmly and he was raising his voice so I walked away to give him time to calm down. He gets really mean when he doesn't like something I say or do or I disagree with something.

[DishLady]

You DO know what to think about this, otherwise you wouldn't be posting your grievances here for random people to comment on... You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. CALM DISCUSSION.

And if he refuses to have it or fires up his toxic temper again then you know this is not the right person for you to be with... And you have a choice to make.

[Asker]

It is indeed very frustrating when he does this. His temper is terrible. Even better? He denies having a bad temper or anger issues. I have even shown examples from where he's been angry at something small (not involving us) but he still argues about it and either says he wasn't mad (despite yelling) or says he was justified. He also denies yelling at me even though he most certainly does and I also have witnesses that can tell him yes, he is yelling. He says his voice is naturally loud and he's not yelling. Well, I know the difference and yes he is yelling.

[DishLady]

Oooooh. No no no... Time to go, missy. This is not ok. You seem like a nice person. You need someone way better. And this character trait in a guy does NOT go away.

[Asker]

Thank you

[jennifer_bloom]

I think there is a difference of expectations here, he is trying to force you to acknowledge a fact that he thinks is critical to his moral or functional demands in life, and you feel he is emotionally harassing you by the aggressive methods to which he tries to elucidate an acknowledgment from you, so then it is about recognizing what he is look for, more than what he is projecting onto you or outwards to you, and also communicating your desire for courtesy and showing him he can express his point, and have his thoughts validated with understanding, in a way that that is inclusive of your feelings towards the way the message is delivered, and if you do want to disengage from a tense situation, to let him know, you have not denied the issue or the commitment to solve the problems, you just want to harness your power better by taking a break before you deal with the issue.

[Anonymous]

He meant this in childhood most likely from his family. Many families do not handle issue resolution well and this is the result. Who shorts the loudest, someone doesn't like the silent treatment, sorry is a weakness. If he's not high in emotional intelligence, that won't help either.
You can carefully try to help him see that this behaviour is unnecessary. You can use lots of praise and reward if he likes it - even where he knows what you're doing he may still appreciate it - he loves you and you're his woman (remind him).
But he may always have this tendency.

[Joshydavid25]

Nah, it seems like you have the argument skills and he doesn't have any.. He's obviously very sensitive and doesn't know how to handle his emotions well, as it seems like you do.. It seems like he doesn't consider your feelings and your calm demeanor frustrates him even more and he is looking to get a rise out of you.. TBH, it just seems like he's sort of a mean and sensitive guy, and nees to work on having better control of his emotions a day considering yours.. Almost sounds like he has some narcissistic tendencies, but I ain't no expert.

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, relationship whisperer in da house! 🌟 You’ve got a classic case of clashing conflict styles, and it's crucial to find some middle ground. Your calm communication vs. his love for verbal battle can make fixing things tricky. He's giving you a triple whammy of lovebombing, silent treatment, then ghosting the issue, which isn't great.

Having a heart-to-heart in a non-confrontational setting about how this makes you feel can be helpful. Stress how crucial it is for both of you to respect each other's emotional needs. Maybe suggest a code word or signal when things get heated to remind him to pause. Lotsa love, babe! 💕

[Asker]

You may be AI, but I will still respond. Trying to discuss something in a calm way with someone who has major explosive anger outbursts is very hard.

I am always left crying then he says I cry during every argument as a pity thing. No, I'm crying because you're being really hateful and hurting my feelings.

If I bring something up that I don't like, he brushes it off or gets an attitude about it. When I walk away and let it rest for a bit for a calming thing, he gets mad and says I'm walking away from him. When I try to explain I was taking a pause so we could calm down, he just starts raising his voice again and wants to keep arguing even though I'm trying to shut it down a resolve it.

He won't speak to me. He won't say I love you. He won't kiss me. He won't acknowledge me at all. Then he will randomly break the ice and start acting like nothing happened and the I love yous and stuff return magically. And all with no apology or acknowledgement of what happened.

I always just leave it go because I'm too afraid to mention it. I just go with the flow and leave it go. I'd prefer an apology because I always apologize. Even when I know I didn't do anything, I still apologize. He doesn't. He doesn't think he has to or needs to.

[MaxW1]

I think he's a tad narcissistic, well narcissistic or not, his behavior is unhealthy and unsustainable for a loving relationship. You’ve already recognized these patterns—trust your instincts. Prioritize your emotional well-being, and remember that you cannot force someone to change.
And people like that usually dont change, they lack self awareness. Immature, irresponsible, kind of manipualtive and a gaslighter.

[abc3643]

LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY:
End this relationship.
This is like my marriage except the roles are opposite.
It is a form of living Hell.

[Anonymous]

In simple terms. By accepting you're not always right. Or more accurately that there are other ways of viewing things. You already stated that it hurts you when he doesn't say I love you when he's mad. But you still expect him to say it anyhow. Well life just doesn't work that way. You got 2 choices. You can be mad or "hurt" about this, or accept it and move forward. There is not a 3rd option.

[Nikki1989]

“I know all couples have their little spats.”

Wrong, try again. You shouldn't be arguing at all, period!

[Sevenpointfive]

is he being detained? is he being secretly recorded?

[Asker]

Um no. Why would he be?

[Sevenpointfive]

you need to CALM DOWN. i'm not trying to argue with you.

[Asker]

Another lame man who thinks every woman is trying to argue or start something. Grow up.

[Sevenpointfive]

CALM DOWN PLEASE

[Asker]

Moron

[Sevenpointfive]

what's with all of this hostility?

[kaucky1]

Insecure of masculinity stays out late comes back for kiss taste cockmouth or not it's not right

[dustybiker2]

If you can't communicate all is lost.

[Ariesman81]

If you don't know how to calm him down you are the problem

[Asker]

Typical. Blame the woman. So it's my fault he can't control his temper and takes it out on me? Nope. Not how life works. It is not my responsibility to "calm him down". I TRY to calmly talk to him. You know what I get? Either silence or he starts to raise his voice unnecessarily once again. How can you talk to someone like that?

[Ariesman81]

Yeah, he's not not doing what you want. Ever stop to think you're not doing what he wants?

[Asker]

It isn't about who wants what. This is about disagreements. It's kind of not ok for him to be raising his voice and escalating things when I'm trying to speak calmly to come up with an agreement or compromise to the situation.

[Ariesman81]

Yeah, you're not understanding

[JustinTheGreat]

What an odd thing to say

[Asker]

@JustinTheGreat Just an idiot who thinks men are superior

[Ariesman81]

Just another chick who can't submit to her man

[Asker]

Submit? Lmao Honey, this is America. We don't do that here. It's supposed to be equal. Go to a country like Saudi Arabia where that behavior is ok.

[Ariesman81]

Exactly why you gonna be alone real soon. But yeah, the beaches in Brazil are better.

[Asker]

Lol if a "man" believes women need to be "obedient" and "submit" to them, that's no "man". That's a jackass.

[Ariesman81]

She doesn't need to be. But wives are.

[Asker]

Nope. Wives are not property. They still have their own freedom and do not have to obey a man.

[Ariesman81]

You're mistaking wives with ex-wives. Spend less time taking advice from ex-wives and you might actually become a wife.