Do we focus too much on self-love and independence, making relationships harder?

Question

DishLady · Accepted Answer

So... YES and NO.

The problem with "the history of love and relationships" is that everyone used to focus too much on what they had to do to GET the other person. It got to the point that divorce rates really just started soaring once the following realizations became apparent:

1. partners realized they were miserable with the person they had initially fought to impress.
2. partners realized they hated this "new person" they had become for their spouse/SO.
3. partners realized that their spouse/SO would run off and cheat bc the inauthentic person they were being wasn't at all what the spouse/SO wanted after all. (IRONICALLY: many times individuals who have gone to the trouble of changing themselves to "get" their spouse/SO discover that the spouse/SO is cheating on them with someone who has THEIR genuine qualities, which THEY buried deep down in order to "get" the spouse/SO.
4. partners realized that being anyone other than their genuine selves is not a sustainable thing; it makes them miserable.

THUS we all shifted to a "self-love"/"protect your peace" model to gain a better sense of our authentic selves. AND OF COURSE just like anything else, a pack of idiots took the concept too far and fostered the toxic narcissistic love instead of the simple and pragmatic self-love that is specifically a basic exercise in mindful attraction of kindred spirits.

We're about to make the next shift and it already looks messy because of the whole "everything goes" version of the world that exists today.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think people do then find themselves either divorced or childless and single.

When you are in a relationship you are not independent anymore and self love is a narcissistic lable to justify being selfish. Why not just say I'm having a spa day and I'm being a little bit selfish but I've earned. it.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

I think there is a balance when people aren’t in relationships they should be at least somewhat focused on themselves because needing someone too much can be getting used or using someone so be very careful.

People should be in a relationship because they genuinely love one another and want to be with each other. Not because they just need something from them. I honestly think more independent people make better partners, not someone whose sexist and hates the opposite sex. But someone who has a lot to offer.

A relationship though depends on the person everyone is very different so finding someone whose compatible is extremely important. Clinginess is one important thing. There is obviously extremes one of being attached at the hip and the other of being cold as well as distant. But most people fall somewhere in the middle and that’s not a bad thing but people need to know what they’re wanting. If someone’s too much or too little for them maybe they aren't compatible.

But a relationship that’s healthy is both people taking care of and nurturing the other. How that looks can depend on relationship to relationship so what works for me maybe doesn’t work for you. That’s why a lot of people give bad relationship advice because they are projecting what they are wanting just assuming that’s what everyone else wants which just isn’t true.

McLlovin · Accepted Answer

Self love is good and needed. How can you love someone else if you dont even know how to love yourself.

the problem is everyone operating in there roles. Women trying to be men, and men looking for women that are feminine.

then you got the whole so called “toxic masculinity”, so now its a crime for men to be men because people misconstruing men being jerks to masculinity, which isn’t actually masculine its just stupid men being jerks.

because some men are afraid to be masculine, because it villainized; they act more feminine. And guess what Hollywood has pushed to make that cool. So now you got femboys and you get men like Andrew Tate disparately trying to hold the high the banner of being manly.

at the end of the day you as woman control the environment, we as men choose and pick. If you be womanly and hold true to being feminine and being a loving woman doesn’t have insane expectations like 6 figure man that 12 feet tall and has member that a 3rd leg. And you stay in shape and look good and actually wants take care of your guy. You will find a man in a hot second because you would be a rare commodity.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As a relationship coach, my goal on Girls Ask Guys is to help you navigate those love and connection waters! 🏄‍♂️ While self-love and independence are crucial, sometimes they might make us put up walls that are hard to break down, especially when Cupid’s trying to shoot his arrows. The key is balance, sweet talker! Cultivate that self-love but remember, relationships thrive on vulnerability and teamwork. Stay open and eager to intertwine your spark with another. 💞 Balance your independence with compromise, and you might just find that special someone who respects your self-worth. 🌟

ohsheeT · Answer

Not even. And if you. Have that quality? Do not lose it because that's the problem with relationships. Nowadays, people do not love themselves. Or have the confidence, the connection or the drive to Be Who They'Re Truly Meant to Be. That is an asset that you have. It's a very beautiful quality hold on to it

HawkPerception · Answer

Yes. I think there's definitely some aspects of the past we can adopt in modern society's relationships dynamics.

This feminist movement has caused a wave of misandry in the disguise of independence. I feel like women specifically tend to prioritize their own happiness in relationships.

Yannae · Answer

No self love and independence are good things. being insecure will push your partner away.
As for independence, it's okay to have a partner who can manage themselves fine on their own, nothing wrong with being independent.

But it's another thing to shout "I don't need you, I can live with out you, I am my own boss and I do what i want" all that unnecessary toxic bs. What partner wants to hear that lmao. Cause in a relationship it's give and take, you consider your partner in what you do from then on out. It's life as a team.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Self-love and independence are just some buzzwords added to the relationship lexicon over the last 40 years. No, people self-isolate far too much because as they put it, “they don’t people”. The excuse going along with that being because people/crowds cause them stress, depression, and anxiety. Well, same can be said for an unsocialized dog. People (particularly in the United States) have taken more and more to self-isolation. Humans are naturally social creatures. Isolation is unnatural which is actually contributing to the increases in stress, depression, and anxiety and pharmaceuticals praying upon those choosing the path of isolation. Go outside, get some sun. Vitamin D is at an all time low in us too…

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

No, we don’t. The idea that relationships are only good if you’re codependent is an extremely flawed one. It’s all well and good to enjoy external validation from loved and trusted partners but if you are unable to be mentally stable without a partner to provide that, that’s not a healthy place to be in mentally.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

no insecurities, poor mental condition, not solved problems from the past are making relationships harder... being healthy independent and self-accepting is the bare minimum we can do for ourselves

NicholasRedone · Answer

They're hard enough 🫠🤭 just to get one or get into one lol 😆. Go figure why it's a right handers world and few lefties :( sad face - and even fewer lefties that are women i'd actually want to date or make love to :( sadder face + but smiling to avoid wrinkles 😉😄🫠🤩 me

ProbablyClueless · Answer

I think so. I've known so many people who encounter great potential partners and their first response is "how can I feel this way without this other person around," instead of recognizing that the other person's unique contribution to their life is what makes that great feeling what it is.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Yeah at least partially, humans don't need a message of self love and independence, because people are by nature selfish and nobody's truly independent.. It's bringing out the narcissism in humans.. Everybody's thinking "what can they do for me" and not enough "what can I do for them?"..

RedThread · Answer

No. If we don't love ourselves, how can we love other people? We will just form obsessions and unbalanced relationships unless we choose other damaged people which leads to a toxic relationship.

On_cloud_wine · Answer

It’s hard to maintain a relationship if you don’t love yourself. You have to be a little selfish

Professor-college · Answer

Well I believe that relationships are not very complicated because everyone wants to do the same things they did when they were younger but time passes by and your lifestyle needs to change. Other times it's because you really don't want to compromise.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

What makes relationships harder is when people over analyze everything. Erase your question from your mind, its not important. Love isn't a logical process.

HungTexan · Answer

If you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to love someone else.

jahaims · Answer

Self love = emotionally healthy  Independent = responsible adult Those terms just get rebranded to trick dummies

Anonymous · Answer

Nowadays, selfishness is at its peak. Nobody knows how to empathize, they always think self-centered.

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

We can, I know I personally am…. I have been single single for a year now and I don’t even see myself dating.

Anonymous · Answer

No. You need self-love and independence before you can be part of a truly loving relationship.

Alex-Snow · Answer

Perhaps but it is ok to love oneself. When u refer to self love does that include masturbation?

Jessie1103 · Answer

No cause if you don’t it be easy to take advantage of you.

Manuelwe · Answer

So as your a woman they block your words by keep the question. Makes no sense

Anonymous · Answer

No one needs a relationship, just be happy alone, you sound like an incel

Account · Answer

No, in fact I don't think we focus enough on that.

glennos89 · Answer

Definitely true good thinking 🫶🏼

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

In some ways I guess

LiamJHayden · Answer

Most do.

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

I think so.

Do we focus too much on self-love and independence, making relationships harder?

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