Can someone say a relationship failed if they didn’t put in any effort?

[Anonymous]

Like I’m a person based on logic can a person say a relationship failed if they don’t actively try in a relationship can you also say you bring out the worst in each other when you don’t actively communicate to work on issues

Updates

1 y

The reason I ask is because you walk away feeling like you wasted a chunk of your life

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes. someone can say a relationship failed if they didn't put in any effort. That's not an uncommon thing.

The feeling that you wasted a chunk of your life is very very normal. You will feel that way, until enough time passes that you feel differently. From a different place in the future, you're able to look back on it not as a waste of time, but a time that was (good, bad, hard, whatever it was)... but you look at it as a past period of life (almost another lifetime) rather than feeling it was just a waste.

I don't know anything about what happened, but this does sound very normal. (that's not to say it doesn't suck. It sucks. It's hard).

Time doesn't heal all wounds. But time does heal. Time will also give you a different perspective. You aren't looking at it through the lenses of your feelings (for her, and about the relationship as a whole).

[Asker]

It was extremely abusive I was called names everyday like nuisance, bitch, stupid motherfucker she also hit me. I never did any of these things back it’s why I feel like I wasted two years of my life I legit have trauma from this that I wouldn’t have had before. She did this things cause she said she was triggered and essentially pinned the blame on my autism so basically my autism led to be being abused

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm so sorry your ex treated you so terribly. So, a "bad relationship" is a huge understatement. This was extremely abusive.

I have known way too many women who have had abusive partners, and I end up chatting with many women here who are either in such a relationship, or have one in their past. It's an issue I have very strong feelings about. Very strong feelings.

I have only spoken with a handful of guys with this specific trauma, and none of them for long enough to really get to know them well.

I can tell you one thing. You are definitely looking at this the wrong way if you think of it as wasted time.

You got out. You escaped.

You got a chance to try and rebuild rather than staying in hell in a relationship with your ex. That's not wasted time. That's escaping from an awful situation to try and recover and eventually hopefully be happy.

It's not two years lost.

It's every single year for the rest of your life restored.

Most people end up feeling trapped in abusive relationships. Sometimes by their own twisted thinking, rearranged in response to abuse. The most frustrating 10 conversations of my entire life have been with women who were being abused horribly arguing in defense of their abuser and why they are not going to leave.

Sometimes, a person's self-worth has been damaged to the point that they feel trapped. Sometimes it's fear of physical harm or being killed by their partner should they leave; that will make a person feel trapped.

It doesn't so much matter what happened to end it, the important thing is you got out! You need to take stock of what you regained by escaping that situation. You cannot look at it as a failure on your part in any way. That's not being fair to yourself (I know you can't always control how you feel. but there is no good reason to justify that feeling) (more coming, hang on...)

[SteveSmith1985]

I had a girl message me the other day out of the blue. (I make it abundantly clear that I'm open to that)

She said hi, I expected she was going to ask advice about something or other. Nope.

I asked how it was going. She told me she was happy, and feeling free. she said:

""Yes because I know what I passed through in life like someone in jail, now I see being single in life is very good because you have no one dating or thinking about your love, I was cheated and beaten like an animal because I was the one in love not him, but now I’m free from him and happy like someone they released from jail"

It warmed my heart to have a brief chat with her about how happy she was to be out of her abusive relationship.

This is maybe the best case scenario for someone recently out of an abusive situation. In terms of how she looks at it.

You, are on the opposite extreme. You are looking at your past relationship and feeling it makes you a failure.

I'm not trying to say you should feel like this girl. I know you're different people, and your situations wouldn't have been identical.

I'm just trying to point out, that there are other ways that people can look at the end of their abusive relationship. Directing any of the blame at yourself is going to be detrimental to you. If you're able to convince yourself to seeing this in a way that didn't leave you feeling as negative
about yourself, that would be better for you.

I can hear you roll your eyes at how little I understand. I do get that you aren't purposely directing any blame at yourself. I know that if it were as easy as "choosing" to not feel like a failure, and see it differently... you would have already done that. True.

I know it's not in your control completely.

It's also very normal to have negative feelings towards/about yourself after this kind of trauma. In fact it's universal. I've just never heard anyone talk about it as either "wasted time" or being a "failure"

(still more coming, keep hangin on)

[SteveSmith1985]

I think this might be one of the few differences between you (a man) and the women I've known who have similar trauma.

The negative self-thinkin that women talk about having with them long-term, are often more like a feeling "unworthy of being loved" by anyone. This is conscious immidiately after the trauma, but eventually becomes more of a subconcious backgroud belief about themselves.

I think feeling that you wasted time, or are somehow a failure is a male manifestation of this same negative self-thinking (negative self-image).

If it is, then it will get much much better with time, but you will always have some scars that never quite heal as a response to the trauma you went through for 2 years.

You won't feel the thoughts, and after-effects as intensely as you do now. Things will become more manageable, and less an overwhelming part of your emotional state as time goes on.

You can internalize or focus on the negative thinking (about self, others, women, anything) in a way that prevents you from healing in a healthy way.

I know a few women who that has happened to. Their lives and emotional state are heavily affected by their trauma every single day.

They end up incorporating these negative feelings about themselves into part of who they are. They wear their scars on the outside more than most. They have a harder time and never heal as deeply as others who processed things in a more healthy way

If it's practical (won't cost a fortune because it's covered) you really would benefit from reaching out to talk

[SteveSmith1985]

to someone. Check out what resources might be available in your area for people who are trying to recover from this kind of trauma (intimate partner violence is the new cool phrase for "abusive relationship") You should google it.

Talking to someone would help you from internalizing false negative narratives about what you went through, and what it means. It can help make sure your healing takes that healthy track and that you do recover as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

Lastly, your autism did not lead to your being abused. That is not accurate. At all. I hate that you see it that way.

An abuser took advantage of your autism as a pretext to abuse you. THAT is accurate.

It was the abuser being abusive to you. Them being the way they are. That was the cause of the abuse. Your autism was just used by your abuser as an excuse, and to gain whatever other advantage they could over you.

They exploited your autism and abused you.

It wasn't because you're autistic that you were abused. I just want to be super clear about that. I know you know this. There's no harm in reminding you.

Ok, I'm finished.

You're welcome to DM me if you'd like to chat. If not, that's no problem. I totally understand.

🙂

[Purpleronnie]

Hmmm , I would add that person can only really “ fail” if they knew what they should have or shouldn’t have done and ignored it. This is why relationships and their relative success can just be about how experienced a person is at accommodating another person in their life.


A lot of people think they want a relationship perceiving it to be “easier” than what it actually is at times.


The truth is we can only predict how we are going to be in a relationship based on our perception of what a relationship asks of us or that which our role models purport to having. In reality what we experience could always be completely different. That’s all completely set aside from the fact that our “wants” & “needs” can so simply and naturally evolve as we age and change.

[Purpleronnie]

You really can’t afford to have the view that should a relationship fail that you wasted your time or be made to feel that you wasted theirs. It’s quite often nobodies “fault” that a relationship ended. We as people deserve the right to change and not want the same as we did, sure a relationship or person can withstand that depending on a million little things but it’s their right not to want to and nobody should have or could have seen that coming. It’s NEVER a waste of time , as always provides an opportunity to move and grow no matter who is perceived to be at fault. You cannot apply logic to matters of emotion , how people feel isn’t always logical !! And it doesn’t have to even be true , just how they feel it and “they” are not wrong.

[Asker]

Well she never tried to communicate anytime I would try to talk about stuff she said it triggered her or it was too boring

[wynning]

They can say that if that's what ended up happening. Why it failed may be due to the reason you mentioned but whether they see it that way or not is a different thing.

It's a two way street and both parties (random legalese) need to meet each other halfway. Communication is like the vehicle that let's them do that OR see that this isn't the street for them and go their separate ways (to another street... this analogy has holes...).

[Asker]

So she never tried to communicate she would either say it was too triggering or it was too boring

[wynning]

Well then there you have it! That alone is a massive issue. And the one issue that will overshadow everything else...

[DishLady]

The PERSON failed at navigating a relationship. A relationship doesn't fail... people do.

[Asker]

Yeah she never tried to communicate she often said talking was triggering and would run in another room and slam the door. In the end she would say I brought out the worst in her but it was like this for virtually every conversation she wasn’t interested cause she was on her phone or she would run into the other room

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic conundrum of love and logic! 😉 In a relationship, effort is the secret sauce that keeps things flavorful. Without it, saying a relationship "failed" is like blaming the stove for a cold dinner you didn't bother to cook. And if communication is missing, it's like trying to steer a car without the steering wheel. Put in the effort, communicate, and you'll see if the relationship is spicy hot or a red flag fiesta. ❤️✨

[AviatorTom]

One can SAY anything. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the TRUTH.

[Asker]

She would refuse to communicate when it came to discussing things either she was too triggered or it was boring

[TheSpaceGnome]

Never put in effort.

Live how you would live if single, but do it with someone you enjoy the company of.

The 2 lives are supposed to blend together naturally, with no change's on either person's part to lifestyle, hobbies, interests, goals, habits, personality, etc.

Love your spouse for who they are, not who you want them to be or what they can do for you.

[IslaTheWitch]

you can always say that the relationship failed...

if someone doesn't put effort it won't magically change, so end the relationship before you invest too much time...

[thegreenyogi]

It really depends on your expectations. I believe they can work but it has its limits and the key is to accept that if you really want it to work. It takes a lot of trust and mental strength but it can be a success.

[Asker]

So our mutual friends would say our communication was horrible and I tried my hardest to work at it I actively tried discussing things with her she never wanted to talk either it was triggering or boring which this led to constant miscommunication and arguments

[thegreenyogi]

I see. I was in a similar situation. He had mental health issues and I didn't. Our brains were wired completely differently hence why communication was problematic and I had too higher expectations from him, from me and the overall relationship. Sometimes things don't workout because it just can't be worked out. It's better to accept it, don't beat yourself up about it and try to move on as best as you can.

[Asker]

Well the interesting part is I’m on the autism spectrum and I’m supposed to struggle at communication but I was the one making the sacrifices and trying to initiate conversations to get on the same page because I was fully invested

[thegreenyogi]

I'm sorry it didn't workout.

[Asker]

Yeah it made me think maybe I’m not worth it maybe I’m just low value

[thegreenyogi]

That's not the case at all. Sometimes things end because they have to and it's not your fault or anyone else's.

[Asker]

Well I was hit and called horrible names in the relationship so that’s why i developed this mindset that I’m low value. She called me names like nuisance, bitch, stupid motherfucker

[thegreenyogi]

There is no excuse for verbal abuse. Love yourself more.

[Asker]

Yeah my self esteem tanked after all this she honestly didn’t care in the end I could accept that she didn’t want to be together but I honestly did let understand what I did to be hated like that like I was blamed for everything.

[thegreenyogi]

I'm sorry for you.

[Asker]

Like we had split finances and I had to take a leave from my work because of my struggling mental health and explained I would pay her as soon as I could and she goes well if I get into a accident and crash and die it’s gonna be your fault

[ProbablyClueless]

I think you can. Why couldn't you say that? A failed relationship is one that has died. The cause of that death doesn't seem particularly important.

[Nikki1989]

The problem is: People often have biased views of their behavior.

[Unap0logetic_]

It only takes one person for a relationship to start to fail. It cannot be one sided. It’s very unfortunate.

[OddBeMe]

Yeah…but if we as humans put effort into things we desire. So perhaps it’s not you. But be nice to her

[Jamie05rhs]

Women always do that shit. They quit without even trying.

[nawtee_me]

Yes that is the reason it failed, they failed it….

[Manuelwe]

She says the sex is good he say it is bad. So the relationship is over. Even if you have kids