I gave mixed signals, he made me feel pressured, now it’s a mess. What to do?

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

I accidentally gave a guy mixed signals so I apologized and I explained that I'm new to dating and just want to be friends. Is it rude if he still tries to make a move on me?

In a nutshell, I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party and as we were having lunch we seemed to have chemistry, as we sat there and chatted for 30-40 minutes without pause. He left and I had hoped to get his # because I wanted to be friends, so I asked a guy who had if he’d mind sharing it. I texted him and he was glad, but my mistake (according to my half brother who’s a close friend) was that I didn’t immediately specify I just wanted a friendship. We chatted for several hours at a time for about a week, and I invited him to a neighborhood event.

He took all this to mean I was looking for a relationship, which we discussed. I said I did find him attractive and agreed we had chemistry, however I was very very sorry I had given mixed signals - my intention was not to hurt anyone at all, and I still have some hangups from a nearly 20 yr. relationship where the guy and I were friends with benefits for all but 6 mos. of it. So not exactly the most healthy thing. I clarified my intentions to him then, and yesterday when he came over. But I also told him I wasn’t opposed to a potential relationship between us in the future, if it happened.

So, yesterday, he came over and we watched a movie. So I sat in a recliner while he sat next to me (he was sitting on the crack with the controls to recline, so pretty close [sectional couch])). I wanted to recline, so trying not to be rude, and not making a big deal, I said he was welcome to share the footrest (how can offering to share a footrest be misinterpreted when he can easily just stretch his legs over? Although he did have to operate the controls). In hindsight I should’ve asked him to move over. He ended up sitting super close and misread the situation because he ended up asking to hold my hand and then wanted to kiss me.

What do I do now?

Updates

1 y

I felt awful and allowed both, so that was really wrong I couldn’t tell him no. Later last night, I said I was sorry to confuse again and reinforced I want friendship, that I’m brand new to dating and a bit unsure/naive about all this still. We bickered some about past things he’d said that I needed clarity on due to being potential dealbreakers, like he casually mentioned my wanting to wait until marriage to have sex again may be a deal breaker for him, and why if I’m not a virgin? Seemed rude.

[ProbablyClueless]

I see two really big issues here and I want to address them separately for the sake of clarity.

• You keep soft rejecting him while intentionally trying to leave the door open for the future, WITHOUT acting in a way that someone who actually wants a friendship would act. You acknowledged the chemistry, but are now trying to roll things back in an arbitrary way for reasons that don't really address your reason for wanting distance.
• And; you keep providing for, and allowing him to create opportunities for intimacy, which completely ignores your statement about distance.

To the above points: the first and biggest step you need to take here is to stop beating around the bush with this guy. You rejected him, so stop leaving the door open for him. You aren't interested in a romantic relationship right now, and the connection you have with him is not "friendly." Stop trying to have a friendship with someone who you don't want to be your friend; plain and simple. Someone who was just a friend wouldn't do the things you're doing.

You said that you feel like he's pressuring you, but the only reason that's happening is because you keep going out of your way to hold out little carrots for him to jump at. You told him would be "open to a relationship with him in the future?" What could that possibly mean outside of "keep trying?"

To the second point; STOP FACILITATING A NON-CONNECTION WITH THIS GUY. if you wanted to preserve that chemistry and connection for a later date, you should have let the next time you meet him happen organically. The reason the signals you're giving him feel mixed is because you're making such an intentional effort to have something that you then deny wanting to have with him.

Want to be his friend and maybe even bang him in the future? Stop inviting him to your house for one-on-one movie nights. He's not one of your girls. Stop trying to text him. Stop trying to be his friend. The only way this connection will work is if you stop trying to have the connection and let it happen organically through the friend group.

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

Those are all great points. I appreciate your input and your tact. Some people here are just cruel further sake of being cruel.

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

For the* sake

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

For the* sake.

[ProbablyClueless]

Sure thing! I'm glad I could help. People on this website can definitely be a bit aggressive and unpleasant at times.

[glennos89]

Damn you are playing proper mind games with him for sure. Communicating what you really should be very simple if you want a guy to properly understand you. You have 3 options to give him which are all clear as day for him..

1 you don't want a relationship with him, not now not in the future

2 you do want to see if there could be a relationship between you and him on the future

3 you don't want a relationship but friends with benefits is an option for you

Let him know clearly which one it will be

[WhitneySnow]

This guy is being shallow and not respecting your boundaries. Maybe give him one more chance. If he still does this stuff, dump him.

[EmmaMary]

Congratulations on winning a Troll of the day award.

Now for fuck's sake Grow Up and start acting your age. smh

[ProbablyClueless]

If this is a troll, it's certainly a believable one. I've seen plenty of this kind of behavior over the years from a lot of people who are a lot older than her.

Anyone who says high school drama stops at high school is... optimistic.

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

@ProbablyClueless it doesn’t always stop I high school, far from it. As the 45+ years old optimist above has proven, some people just have no empathy, and sadly it’s normal for them. When people don’t have problems they need advice for there won’t be websites like GAG.

[Babebytheshore85]

Right there's no way someone her age could be this stupid.

[MrChinaski]

It seemed a genuine inquiry to me.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic mixed signals tango! 🌹 I'm here to sprinkle some charm and help you navigate this. It sounds like you've got some serious chemistry cooking, but perhaps threw in a bit too much spice with the mixed signals. It's not rude if he tries to make a move; he's just reading what he thinks is green light city! 🚦

Since you've already communicated your desire to be friends, just give him some patience and clarity. Make sure to reinforce those friendly boundaries with a cute but firm conversation. If you're ever feeling pressured, don't be afraid to slow things down or take a breather. Remember, being clear and honest is the way to go, and it avoids the ghosting and misunderstanding drama. Keep it light, keep it flirty, and who knows, maybe someday those misread signals might lead to the real deal! 😉

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

I did reinforce the boundaries with a friendly conversation. I think he said he may be on the autism spectrum. Perhaps he was misreading things. I just feel so awful. But I’ve learned from this. Thanks.

[Shiprex]

His views on your boundaries may make him less interested in a relationship and the hot and cold behaviour you're showing him , though valid may put him off and the whole miscommunication here is the core issue. It may be too late and his values don't seem to extend to no sex when you're not a virgin so could put the kibosh on the potential for something more than a friendship.

[Anonymous]

You're unfixable. If you haven't figured this out by 39, you're not going to. The problem is with him. He needs to tell you to f*** off. If he doesn't have the wherewithal to do that. Or worse, he's just as bad as you. Then that's on him. Either way, don't worry about it. You just keep doing you. Most guys your age are going to be smart enough to see you coming.👍

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

Fuck you also.

[Opinion Owner]

Be real yourself. You came onto him because you know it's the most consistent attention getter for a guy. The problem is you don't actually want a relationship. You just want his attention. Guys see these tactic, have seen this tactic time and time again. We know your type. And at 39 this innocent act is laughable.

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

You have no clue about me other than what I typed. I feel bad for people who ask your advice. You’re a pretentious prick.

[Nikki1989]

This is not the kind of nonsense 39-year-olds rant about. If anyone tries to say it is the norm, they must hang out with some really immature sods.

[NotLongKindaGirthy]

I think it's kind of unrealistic for you to do datelike things with this guy, and not expect him to see it as a date.

Maybe keep him as a friend, but don't do one-on-one activities with him anymore.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You need to learn how to interact with people.
friends with benefits, mixed signals, critisizing a guy who's trying to get a girl to like him.
A lot of social mishaps here.

[MrChinaski]

What do you want? Presumably there was a reason for your mixed signals. If you want the guy then it sounds recoverable. To quote Mark Manson, It's fuck yes or no.

[NicholasRedone]

Lady life is always a mess - that's why life isn't perfect 😅👀🤭

[Anonymous]

You're 39? Shhhesh pathetic

[Opinion Owner]

39 year old loser

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

Not as pathetic as someone with no empathy.

[Opinion Owner]

Empathy for an adult airhead? You're old and dumb

[The_Kroakie_Frog]

Better than young and an asshole.

[Opinion Owner]

Old , dumb, unmarried, no kids. No men want old

[Godihateyou]

Block his number and better luck next time.

[In_Trance]

Move on