How do you deal with the little things that kill a marriage by 1000 cuts?

[DreamCrescent]

i’m actually pretty decent at managing the big stuff. it’s the day to day I’m hopeless at. Put your dishes in the dishwasher; don’t walk in on freshly mopped floor with your shoes on; please feed the cat; what would you like for dinner. Like really basic things you would have thought are common courtesy. I know people hate a nag, so i just keep silent. Guess what? It festers and develops animosity. And I’m not even talking about petty stuff I’m okay letting cliche things like toothpaste cap or toilet cover go, that actually doesn’t bother me. And please don’t say it’s just a floor map it again, I’d rather have clean floors and a clean sink than a slob husband. Wondering how others have coped

Updates

6 mo

I selected relationships as category. GaG decided it knows better

Updates

6 mo

Disregard last update. GaG reclassified to Relationships category. 👏👏👏

[OneViewpoint]

This is the little stuff you don't know until you've really lived with someone. Slob or neat freak? Listens and pays attention? Able to change small behaviors? Or, needs to be told over and over again? Needs to be told that the little things are a fundamental quality of life issue in the aggregate? No concept of teamwork and cooperation.

Clean as you cook, don't leave the kitchen looking like a war zone.

The dishwasher is literally 12 inches from the sink yet, all your shit is piled up in the sink. It's like you can't see the fucking dishwasher.

Hey, I know it's not cleaning day but the kitchen floor is filthy. Grab a vacuum and a mop. Takes 5 min.

Could you take your stuff out of the washing machine in less than 24 hours, it stinks!

The toilet and tub in your bathroom are dirty. Clean them!

Oh... duh... yeah. Then forgets immediately, LOL! Annoying as hell.

To be clear. My wife and I had none of these issues. We were both neat freaks and fairly proactive. Our sons on the other hand needed this trained into them so we didn't release problem men into the world. Apparently your husband's parents babied him and he doesn't know how to behave.

[DreamCrescent]

you’re reply made my day. thank you for raising your children to be decent people.

and for the record, I’m divorced 😆

[OneViewpoint]

No problem.

My wife used to complain about having to clean up the kid's toys every night. Simple, have them clean up as part of a bedtime routine. Make it fun, a competition. One task off the adult's list.

She complained she was doing laundry constantly with 2 boys. Simple again. Around age 12, each boy received 2 hampers for their rooms, one for colors and one for whites. They also received training to operate the washing machine and dryer. They thought they were big people. Very cool being allowed to use the laundry machinery. Another task off the adults list.

They were responsible for keeping their own bathroom clean.

They were also taught to cook basic meals for themselves and to use a stove, oven, microwave, and dishwasher.

None of this was presented to them as a "punishment" or a "chore". It was more like a privilege, LOL. Worked pretty well. They went out into the world with some basic life skills.

[Chazmatazz269]

These are things that should have been discussed early and often. Chances are your partner didn’t just develop those annoying habits overnight. Either he was always that way and you ignored the red flags, or you didn’t wait out the rose colored glasses phase so that you could catch them in the first place.
The key to survival is open and honest communication, always. Otherwise, what you are referring to as “animosity” is actually resentment, it builds up. Animosity is how you might express resentment in the absence of open and honest communications.
I suspect that you failed to establish boundaries early in your relationship. Better late than never, but better early than later. The hurdles will be more difficult to clear now that you’re married, but you must. Your relationship is at stake. None can survive where resentments thrive.

[SteveSmith1985]

Full disclosure. I am not married. But... I think that you shouldn't keep silent. As you say, it festers. So, you still end up upset, he remains oblivious to that fact. You really should talk to him about the things he's doing that are upsetting you. Wouldn't it be better to have (even some) of those things change... rather than learning to cope with being angry about little things all the time?

I know that if I were married, I would want my wife to tell me I was making her feel this way. I would want her to talk to me.

[SteveSmith1985]

@DemiMot Sure. Hang on.

[DreamCrescent]

Wouldn't it be better to have (even some) of those things change... rather than learning to cope with being angry about little things all the time?

it’s actually not that simple. however gentle you try to be, the other person accuses you of attacking them. they get defensive and you wish you never said anything. and then it festers again anyway

[DreamCrescent]

also, the assumption that someone would change their ways because you told them it would make you feel better mean so much to you. ha! unrealistic

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, yes, I do assume that, if you love someone: either of you should at least make an effort to change their ways, because the other person has let them know. It's not unrealistic. It may be in your particular situation. I don't know your marriage. It's not like I haven't been in long-term relationships where we've lived together for years. I've just never been married. These seem like issues between the two of you, in particular, as opposed to my suggestions being unrealistic.

Good luck. I'm not really sure what else to tell you. 🙂

[DreamCrescent]

all good

i assumed the same and fell flat on my face

it’s not you. i didn’t mean to be ungrateful to your advice

[SteveSmith1985]

All good here too. But... doesn't falling flat on your face for having assumed that... an indication of a bigger problem than the 1000 cuts?

(I'm not expecting you to answer that)

[Finchie40]

Instead of pointing fingers try to compromise with each other , just because your partner doesn’t do the things that you expect to be done , doesn’t make them a bad person , I know it can be annoying if your partner overlooks things that you do not , but that is no reason to end your relationship or dump them , Instead of yelling at them with frustration, talk to them and try to get them on the same page as you , No relationship is perfect , no one is perfect , so if you can’t accept your partners’ flaws , then don’t expect them to accept yours. working with each other is better than working against each other

[Purpleronnie]

Ok ok I’ve joined the conversation late ⏰! but having read the thread fully and for what it’s worth let me add just “one more” viewpoint for you to chew on !


For a little background I grew up / was raised in a home environment akin to an ‘oppressive regime of clean’ , I’m not saying childline got any calls claiming abuse but there were ‘moments’


So.. I GET IT … because of that upbringing I get triggered a lot … this could be the filter not being emptied in the coffee percolator, or sinks being ALL used instead of the 2 dishwashers.. I mean come on …right? 🤯


After a succession of triggers , bickering and me actually feeling like I was the parent I had a word with myself. Focusing on these imperfections is a choice ! .. additionally perhaps choosing not to see the 96 positives because I’m hyper focused on 6 that are less than is on ME !


So then became the teamwork and an acknowledgment of where our single and together strengths were / are and then dividing responsibilities accordingly … clearly this sounds super formal but it was really quite a casual conversation. “Hey , let’s try this for 6 months and see where we are? “ … that 6 months is not approximately 11 years !

[NathanDavis]

I've never been married but I've been in relationships before, and lived with my exes as well...

the little things were never really an issue, we had shared a space before for a good enough amount of time to realize these kind of things were not going to be an issue at all, or that the some, little things would not become a big deal either so... I guess the best way to deal with something you don't like or want, for me was... don't even get involved with it in the first place... lol

I guess that, for longer relationships like marriages that go for over a decade or two... some things might change over time and not for the good either so I am not sure how I would be deal with THAT happening, a twist or a turn that sharp later at the road

so... was he always a slob? or become one over time?

[DreamCrescent]

Thank you for sharing

He was always a slob. To his own attestation (“i don’t know my mother did the laundry.” “i’ve never had to wash my dishes, my ex took care of that” were excuses he made once i started calling him out on things), so it’s not an accusation from my end.

The marriage was very short-lived. But it does feel like i consciously went in knowing these particular shortcomings but assumed he’d step up. Like he moved in with me so i assumed, naturally he’d be considerate now that he shares his life with someone. My apartment was pristine and sparkly any time he’d come over, i assumed he’d notice there was a different standard. I was wrong

That’s not to say his dirty dishes ended the marriage. It was so much deeper than that. But looking ahead to potentially opening up to someone new, i was wondering if i know these things trigger or stress the heck out me how would i change that about myself. Just be okay with being uncomfortable and not let that fester into negative emotions towards a potential partner

When my mother was telling me my marriage wasn’t working, that’s exactly what i tried to explain. I know these going in, and i thought i could handle them. It’s not that he didn’t step up or change his ways to accommodate a marriage /partner. It’s that i’ve went back on my word, things i told myself i could put up with, i actually couldn’t. So the breakup is more my “fault” than. God knows he didn’t even try. I tried for the both of us but ran out of gas. It’s a matter of I overestimated my capacity, overpromised-underdelivered.. all that stuff

[DreamCrescent]

whoops. long rant, sorry

[NathanDavis]

it's okay

and yes, I think it wasn't a good idea at all to get into a relationship assuming things would change if you put up with it... while they other puts no effort at all

personally, I don't think the break-up was your fault... I think the break-up was going to happen either way because of the compatibility issue... and as I said, to put up with the carelessness and no effort from a partner who is supposed to be your partner it just won't work

so I guess that, the lesson to learn here would be, never allow yourself "to be okay with NOT being okay" that... is just not okay, okay? lol...

[DreamCrescent]

lol okay! 🫡

You’re quite right, it was bound to happen. It was such a slap in the face realizing what a dumb decision i made getting myself into it to start with

I like how simply you don’t get involved with people you don’t want to get involved with. This will take some practice.

[NathanDavis]

definitely takes time... and let's say discipline, or will, lol

but it is definitely worth it

[MrOracle]

You need to talk to him, but you need to set aside a time to do this when you can talk about it calmly and without anger or an accusing tone. If you attack or accuse, he's going to fight back and you will never make any progress that way.

Instead, start by talking about the things he does that you appreciate, and then bring up the things you would like to improve. And for each thing, tell him WHY it is important to you. You might assume that he naturally shares your priorities or that he "should just know" but those attitudes are wrong. He is a product of how he was raised, and he didn't grow up in your household. You must not assume that he was taught to have the same priorities as you have, or the same knowledge.

The other thing is

[DreamCrescent]

hmmm there was more.
sorry you got cut off

do you think people are open to feedback and talks sessions as such?
in my experience, i get labeled a bitch and then i retreat and try to live with the status quo and then implode

hehe

i mean it’s the truth

[MrOracle]

Again, the key is to start the conversation off with positivity and appreciation for the things he DOES do. And it's probably more than you realize. Then, tell him that some other things have been bothering you, and you want to talk about them so that you aren't building up any resentment. Let him know that you aren't asking for perfection, just a bit more effort in a few areas.

And then make damn sure you show appreciation if he actually does make more of an effort. You are going to have FAR better results praising the things he does well than ragging on the things he does poorly. The more positive you give, the more you tend to get, and the opposite is also true.

[Shiprex]

To avoid the slow deteriorating drop one needs to use attentiveness as a central pillar of a marriage. Communication is the method and kindness the mode to achieve this.

[DreamCrescent]

if only….

i know i know i know

i failed at this. believe me i tried. communication and kindness both

[Shiprex]

I'm sorry to hear that. Patience and compassion with kindness may be your best option

[jshm2]

Then it's not a marriage you're in. You're just their "manager" without the pay!

The reason a lot of people fail at marriage is they (like Trump) think everything is transactional. Or that everything must have "equality" for it to work.

The purpose of marriage is lost on a lot of people, and it's rather sad, as it makes you less than functional humans.

[DreamCrescent]

not sure what you mean?

I’m expecting a transaction?

[Geo1970]

My advice is first, Don’t worry about a rant it’s quite alright.
Secondly, the things that you do or don’t like it doesn’t matter as long as you are happy within them that’s all that matters.


The only thing that hassles me at home is noise, The rest I can deal with.

[DreamCrescent]

Thank you, kind of you to say.

Can you explain what you mean by noise? I didn’t quite understand

[Geo1970]

My neighbours for example!

They purposely make terrible noise very late at night to wind me up.

I think some people just get off on the fact that certain things wind you up and they get pleasure out of it

[DangerouslyCute]

don't suck it up, make it a known fact that you don't appreciate something, and talk to your partner, try to find a common ground or just compromise...

communication is a key

[DreamCrescent]

yeah. notes for next time if there is one

didn’t quite work like that for me, sadly

[bowenw]

Try not to let it build and discuss the little things as they occur. If it’s gone too far to where it’s affecting your feelings, try to go for couple’s therapy.

[DreamCrescent]

They call it criticizing and nagging.

I didn’t want to say anything and be a cliche wife

[bowenw]

You shouldn’t have to remind someone not to be a slob and having to deal with your good nature being taken advantage of.

[DreamCrescent]

Yes, theoretically
Not gonna argue with that

Easier said than done

[bowenw]

It always is. If he's not willing to change, you have options, including telling him you are no longer going to be his maid and you are hiring a maid that he will pay for.

[WonderingManII]

I don't know, my mom yells about things even smaller than what you listed, yet she is still married to my Dad.

[DreamCrescent]

😳 gulp

[RedInnocent69]

The struggle is real. But everything and everyone goes through phases. But for the grace of God go you…

[DreamCrescent]

indeed

[jahaims]

What did you think would happen when you got with a loser.

[SamWinchester058]

I think being on the same page and being considerate is what matters most. There should be boundaries and standards in a relationship.