How do you cope with non-monogamy?

Question

Hi all,

I’ve just been feeling up and down the past 2 weeks because of this new discovery. My boyfriend was caught emotional cheating with his ex last year, we moved past it and worked it out. But then he was caught again still being in touch with her. We had a long discussion talking about his feelings, he told me he’s never had any bad blood with her and he still cherishes their past. I asked if he wants to be with her instead but he told me he only loves me, wants to marry me and only sees a future with me.

Eventually, I gave him permission to explore his feelings with her (but no sex). He then gave me a hall pass in return (but no emotions). I’m monogamous by nature so this hurts and it’s a big adjustment. Honestly, I’m not going to bother with the hall pass. I brought up asking if he wants to be poly (while I stay loyal) and yet he’s now refusing it all together. Promising that he’s now done with the ex and it’ll be just the two of us. I don’t necessarily believe him though and told him that he can still see her, all I’m asking for is some transparency - still, he’s refusing and said he wants to commit to me.

I guess I just needed to vent, I’m too ashamed to talk about this with anyone I know in real life… I have my reasons for staying, and our relationship is a already bit unconventional in the bedroom before all this but involving emotions is just different… especially with an ex.

Has anyone been through something similar?

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

1. "I’ve just been feeling up and down the past 2 weeks because of this new discovery. My boyfriend was caught emotional cheating with his ex last year, we moved past it and worked it out." So this isn't really something new; you just don't want to recognize the pattern.

2. "But then he was caught again still being in touch with her." No surprise. This is what cheaters do.

3. "We had a long discussion talking about his feelings, he told me he’s never had any bad blood with her and he still cherishes their past. I asked if he wants to be with her instead but he told me he only loves me, wants to marry me and only sees a future with me." He will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear.

4. "Eventually, I gave him permission to explore his feelings with her (but no sex)." WHY?

5. "He then gave me a hall pass in return (but no emotions). I’m monogamous by nature so this hurts and it’s a big adjustment. Honestly, I’m not going to bother with the hall pass." He knew that when he made the offer. It is a safe way for him to try to feel less guilt for his behavior.

6. "I brought up asking if he wants to be poly (while I stay loyal)" WITF?

7. ". . . and yet he’s now refusing it all together. Promising that he’s now done with the ex and it’ll be just the two of us." The words of a cheater are meaningless.

8. "I don’t necessarily believe him though and told him that he can still see her," WHY?

9. "he’s refusing and said he wants to commit to me." BS

10. I guess I just needed to vent, I’m too ashamed to talk about this with anyone I know in real life… " Because you know - you KNOW how fucked up this is!

11. "I have my reasons for staying," We'd love to hear a good justification for this insanity.

12. "our relationship is a already bit unconventional in the bedroom" You are staying because he gives you the kink you want?

13. "involving emotions is just different… especially with an ex." Anything with an ex should be a no-go, unless the have kids together.

14. "Has anyone been through something similar?" Yeah, you're not the only screwed-up girl who has stayed far too long with an obvious loser.

15. "How do you cope with non-monogamy?" It's simple. If you want monogamy and he doesn't, you say goodbye, and you go permanent no-contact with him.

Your self-esteem has vanished, hasn't it?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

I wouldn’t consider them a partner whatsoever , they would just be a convenience to me , meaning yea we can hang out as friends and have sex here and there but that’s all it is FWB’s basically. If a girl can’t stay loyal to me , I won’t stay loyal to her period. She would be relationship material whatsoever. I cherish Monogamy when I get into a committed relationship with someone , it’s her and I only , if either of us wanted someone else? than that relationship is over period , If a partner can not stay true and faithful to you , then why would you stay true and faithful to them? By you giving your boyfriend another chance after he was secretly seeing his ex behind your back , should of been your answer to dump his ass , so why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like that is beyond me? If he truly loved you and cared about you , his ex wouldn’t t even be in the picture at all , especially without my partner knowing the truth immediately. I can’t tell you what to do , it’s your life and your decision, all I am saying is I wouldn’t waste my time on someone like that whatsoever, Selfish people do not stay loyal in relationships period, they go behind their partners’ back as much as possible until they get caught and then they try to play a victim and make excuses for their selfish behavior while writing Sucker on your Head. It’s just a matter of time they will do it to you again , once they start getting bored of you or think they are missing out on things? My advice to you is if you want to experience true love with someone , kick this selfish boyfriend of yours to the curb where he belongs

WhitneySnow · Accepted Answer

I haven’t. Sorry. But it sounds like he wants to explore while not giving you the same opportunity. His hall pass isn’t worth much if all you can do is hook up, since I don’t think you want to do that.

Nikki1989 · Accepted Answer

I would expect emotional cheating (at least) from most men. It is hard-wired into them.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Hey there! I'm all about helping folks navigate these tricky relationship waters! 🌊 It sounds like you're on a rollercoaster ride right now, dealing with some lovebombing and wild emotions! Emotional cheating is no joke, and when those pesky exes get involved, oof, it's like a soap opera! It's admirable that you're trying to work things out, but trust and transparency are crucial here. If you're feeling uneasy, that's a red flag waving!

Remember, you're in control of your feelings, and staying true to what you want and need is essential. Relationships should be like a dance, not a tug of war. Sending you lots of good vibes and love! 💖

EdenNatalie · Answer

MY BITCOIN INVESTMENT WAS RECENTLY RECOVERED BY THIS TEAM

I’m an older woman who spent a lifetime working hard, saving every dollar I could in hopes of enjoying a peaceful and secure retirement. I was never reckless with money. I didn’t live extravagantly. I simply wanted to grow my savings and retire with dignity. That’s why when I discovered FIRE — Financial Independence, Retire Early, it felt like a blessing. But it turned out to be the biggest betrayal of my life.

FIRE made promises that seemed perfect for someone like me — a promise to grow my money safely, to help me retire early, and to secure my future. Their online presence was polished and professional. They had glowing testimonials, attractive charts, and so many people online praising the program. I truly believed I was making a smart financial decision.

But behind their smooth words and fake success stories were cold-hearted scammers.

I invested everything — my entire pension, the savings I had spent decades building. They told me to “trust the process” and “watch my wealth grow.” But days turned to weeks, and then months. My account stopped responding. My messages were ignored. Eventually, I realized the truth: they had taken everything. I was devastated. I felt violated, ashamed, and alone.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was too embarrassed to tell my family what had happened. I was a senior woman with no income left, no home security, and no future. FIRE didn’t just steal my money — they stole my peace, my confidence, and a piece of my soul.

But then, by the grace of God, I found AUTOPSY MAINNET RECOVERY.

At first, I was skeptical. After being deceived so badly, it was hard to trust again. But from the moment I spoke with their team, I felt something different. They were kind. They were professional. Most importantly, they understood. They didn’t make empty promises — they made a plan. They worked quickly, efficiently, and kept me informed every step of the way.

And within just a few days, something I thought was impossible became reality — they recovered 93% of my stolen funds. Yes, 93%! They tracked the scammers, uncovered hidden transactions, and fought to bring justice. They didn’t just help me get my money back — they gave me my life back.

I’m sharing my story so that others, especially the elderly like me, don’t fall into the same trap. These scammers are skilled, heartless, and they target people who are just trying to do the right thing. But there is hope. AUTOPSY MAINNET RECOVERY is real. They care. And they get results.

To anyone who’s been scammed — please don’t give up. You are not alone. Help is out there, and recovery is possible.

WhatsApp: ‪‪+44 758 601 9698‬‬
Website: ‪autmainrec. com‬
Email: [ Autopsymainnetrecovery@autopsy. co. site ]

Lliam · Answer

It's entirely possible to remain friends with an ex and to cherish the time you had together while acknowledging why you weren't destined to be with them for the rest of your life and why you split up.
That happened to me. We both moved on with our lives and knew we could not be together even though we still cherished our friendship.

Then I met my wife. She was the one I chose to be with for the rest of my life. We've been married for almost 29 years. I love and cherish her and would never cheat or do anything to hurt her. We have built a wonderful life together.

But I still stayed in touch with that ex on Facebook and even spoke to her a few times on the phone. I respected her intellect and knowledge and was happy to be in touch and know she was doing well. Then I read that she had died from a sudden medical problem at the age of 55. It broke my heart. That was 10 years ago.

I'm also Facebook friends with my very first girlfriend from when I was 16. She's good people but it's not like we want to get back together.

So, based on what you said about your boyfriend, it sounds like he has chosen you. Friendship with his ex isn't necessarily anything to worry about.

Anonymous · Answer

It sounds like your boyfriend is a chump. He should leave you. He's done nothing other than maintain a friendship with a woman he once dated. Emotional cheating implies that he loves her and not you. He says that he wants to marry you and all of his actions are consistent with that.

You will never trust him. Once you move beyond this episode with his ex, there will be another crisis to replace it.

Your revelation that you've been "up and down" hints at manic depression. Seek treatment for that and your trust issues.

Anonymous · Answer

Have some respect for yourself. Let him go. He still has feelings for her. I’m thinking he maybe she dumped him? There’s no reason he should still seeing his ex, especially if he was unfaithful twice. Not once, but twice. Cut him lose. You’ll always be second to her. Normally I don’t like when women try to control men or give them ultimatums, but in this case no. You’re that desperate that you’re ok w him seeing her still. How do you think he’d respond if you were the one who was still talking to your ex, be emotionally involved w him still? Probably not the way you’re responding to him.

MrChinaski · Answer

If you are married or committed I would suggest you talk through the issues. If he is casual then you should leave. I am not monogamous. But I approach it morally with mutual agreement and consent.

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly it’s crazy that you would SACRIFICE such a big boundary to remind girlfriend to a 2x cheater. I guarantee he’s not that fantastic of a man but your sense of self worth is so damn low you don’t want better for yourself. Settling with a cheater and letting him do as he pleases even when you suffer, all for the sake of not being alone and lonely. It’s a very degrading and shameful situation for you to be in, quite embarrassing to share with anyone who actually loves you.

Billlewis · Answer

It's very simple: I remain 100% faithful and exclusive to her while she enjoys unlimited freedom to date other guys, and whenever possible, I always try to pay for her dates with other men, as well.

DonaldDarko · Answer

If there's no monogamy then you are not a priority to each other, what ever else your doing is the priority. That's not much of a relationship. The more energy that flows out to other places, the less real interest in each other there is.

Anonymous · Answer

You dont trust him and his actions are hurting you. So you give him a pass to do what's hurting you freely. I wanna know where your anger is at, or why you don't put value on your pain and instead prioritize his happiness

Likes2drive · Answer

He probably is over it now since you know all about it and actually let him pursue it so now it’s not really a secret and he certainly doesn’t want you to be with anyone else so I think he just needed closure with his ex and you being the one for him

LiamJHayden · Answer

Each person is different. If I discover she is being disloyal  according to my standards  I dump her and move on. Your standards are what matter.

goaded · Answer

If you didn't agree to it, it's not OK. Consent is essential.

RHK36 · Answer

You aren't dealing with a poly situation, you're dealing with a guy who likes to cheat

genericname85 · Answer

i don't. so if my partner is non-monogamous and lying about that, i'll get rid of them.

soe11 · Answer

I have ave no experience whatever.  I'm monogamous.

DCVsMarvel2 · Answer

Monogamy, is a man made idea. Humans were never actually meant to be with just one person, and I blame the idea of marriage, for that.

Anonymous · Answer

Nope, Im not stupid enough to loan my man out , Jesus if it isn’t the consequences of your actions

Ariesman81 · Answer

Simple. I don't.

Staximus · Answer

If you marry this guy you're an idiot

Tom567456 · Answer

It u want it mono find someone else who does too

Anonymous · Answer

I don't like it.

Miristheiss · Answer

I wouldn't.

MasterKS · Answer

Take it natural.

How do you cope with non-monogamy?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

How do you cope with non-monogamy?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.