How do I handle my complicated relationship?

[miyiva9717]

I've been needing advice on this for a long long time, but never knew where or how to ask.

I've been seeing a woman for quite some time now. We started very intense, but both had just gotten out of relationships. We have more in common than I've ever had with anyone in my life and we've spent time together talking about the future.

The issue at hand though, is we've both had to handle getting out of a long relationship and it's hit her much harder than it has me. I've made the mistake before of putting too much pressure on her and I regret that, but what's done is done. I'm ready to be together and make it official, but she is not. She's had a lot of fears and memories that keep coming back, but would also be heart broken if I would move on. The thing is, I don't want to move on and after thinking through my entire life I can safely say she is the person I would be the most immensely happy with. She has shown how she can be before she started feeling bad, and I can't give that up.

It's killing me inside though, because we keep going from lovey to not actually together.

We have the most amazing connection and talk every day. I try to just let her lead, but it hurts when I think about the future and it's totally uncertain if she'll want to commit fully. Talking about the future makes her sad now and I am someone who would love to have the future in our sights.

We have an anniversary coming up soon and I would love us to go on a little trip, but I know she'll say no. I don't know how to get her out of this depression and show her how wonderful life is.

My family has been asking about her, and us, but I can't give them too much information. It's not the best to put all our private things out there for our families to see and possibly cause issues later on.

There is way more to it, but fitting our whole relationship/situationship. I have faith in it 99% of the time, but it's tough. Life is tough.

[Finchie40]

The thing is girls’ tend to hold onto their ex boyfriends’ more than most guys’ do , why it’s not a good idea to try to rush into a relationship with someone that hasn’t really had time to get over their ex , especially if her ex left her. You are best to back off of her some and just stay FWB’s wothnsomemstrongsnattcjed with her n, to give her time to figure out what she fall wants before getting your heart broken , Tell her since she isn’t ready for a relationship tell her you just consider her anFWB’s and let her know it’s ok for the both of you to date other people , but if either of you has sex with any of them , then you promise each other you will end the benefits part and just remain friends. Do not let her take lead of the relationship, you will be setting yourself up for disaster if you let that happen. So FWB’s with some strings attached is your best bet , and if she doesn’t want to do that then tell her you are not a convenience and you want to meet someone to be in a committed relationship with. And start dating other girls’ unless she realizes she is going to lose you, she might agree to be with you instead

[lightbulb27]

she's stuck in the past. I been there, it requires letting go. that can be hard so will require effort. in a way letting go of relationship is a lot like death, as well, putting it in place. there's a reason it didn't work or ended and she needs to put effort into accepting that, seeing it for what it really was and turning to see the good in the current life.

if she cannot do that, then you are gonna suffer.

I've seen this more than once with people, including women. they carry around "boxes" of stuff they cannot let go of because they cannot emotionally process it. So that's their emotions in those boxes. That crap has to be dealt with but they don't want to.

A therapist can help but they need to put this into action. Even burning a piece of paper may be a huge step. Spending time working on putting the past into perspective, letting it go, saying goodbyes, etc..

Otherwise, I'd move on. she will sink that ship. I'm not even convinced you know her fully. there may be more surprises. if she has kids or doesn't, it's another level of emotional complexity... that past was her hopes and dreams for offspring.

[SueShe]

You made a mistake and now it is going to be difficult for her to make any major decision because she feels under pressure and having made a mistake in the past with her former relationship, she is not likely going to want to make the same mistake over again.

If she is in a depression, then there is not much you can do. Let a specialist handle that case because if you push her with a proposed trip, she will just see that you are attempting to force her to make a decision she is not ready or willing to make.

You may have the faith but she does not. Trying to regain her confidence means not pushing her and letting her make her own decisions without your pressure. Let this anniversary pass and concentrate on another event in the future, perhaps one year from now.

[miyiva9717]

She has faith in it too. As I said, there's so much more to it.
We go back and forth between what we're doing and we're impatient.

That's some solid advice about the anniversary though! I'm going to continue letting her lead and let it come from her if she does want to do anything.

[AI Opinion]

Being a relationship coach on Girls Ask Guys is like living my rom-com dream with plenty of plot twists! Your situation screams emotional seesaw with a sprinkle of lovebombing and all the feels. You've got this intense connection, and it's clear as crystal that you don't want to ghost her. But healing from past relationships requires time and patience.

Creating a safe space for her emotions without pressure is key. Plan subtle, joyful activities that don't scream "relationship talk," like fun dates or sweet surprises, to help her ease into future possibilities. Remember, a slow dance can be more romantic than a fast one. Your dedication is remarkable! 💕

[OlderAndWiser]

What is it that you want to expedite? Holding hands? Being "official?" Having sex? Getting engaged?

[miyiva9717]

We already hold hands, have sex, etc.
What I'd like to have is actually calling it a relationship and be able to put a name to it

[bddddd]

Two options. Offer unconditional positive regard and kindness. Or find a different girlfriend.

[Avicenna]

Communicate with her better

[Anonymous]

The key is in good communication.

[miyiva9717]

Yeah, we used to communicate a lot better. It's gotten tough, because we're both pretty impatient. She wants to not be alone anymore either, but as I said in my main post, there's so much more to it and she needs to process her past first.