How to get your spouse to open up and talk about your relationship?

[dwreborn]

I want to talk about things that we struggled with in past to improve our relationship but don't want to push her away and make things worst

Updates

8 mo

Thanks for everyone's input was finally able to get through to my wife it was a very peaceful and productive talk for hours about all of our issues it was great been needing that for prob 3 years hopefully got to the root of our problems and hope to not avoid any in future still a lot of work to do but looks promising thanks to everyone who put in helpful comments

[lightbulb27]

A) we need to see a therapist. That creates dedicated time to address issues

B) Setup date nights so you have time together. as there is opportunity to engage topics, do so. Focus on being loving but also on growth.

C) Try being direct.

you've got 25 years in, going through a transition phase. Both may not be in synch. Maybe she just wants to avoid it. The deeper the roots are, the harder it is to pull out...

[dwreborn]

Ah avoids stuff my#1 prob that I have with her and it isn't just relationship stuff

[lightbulb27]

difficult and especially the deeper ingrained the issure, the more they avoid.
what we do at home is raise issues and attempt to work on them over time. it's a slow process. Some are more interested in doing work and changing than others. Anything after adulthood is work to reprogram. Personality stuff figure nearly impossible... ingrained emotional stuff very hard to change but changeable with exposure of the issues and roots of them from childhood (usually trauma/training) and releasing those energies and replacing with new patterns.
reality with most people... accept them as they are but that can be a hard sell. Some women/people let themselves go and won't change until there is a rock bottom. That's true of most issues... why change unless you want to or there is ultimatum. even with ultimatum, they may not.
Im not sure you've exhausted effort to work on this but maybe you have. it's frustrating dealing with humans. Maybe you talk to counselors first before hitting eject...

[Ariesman81]

The reality? Do the opposite of what you want.

[dwreborn]

Believe me it hurts but that's what iam doing without showing her any of my feelings I've already got half my stuff out and she wonders I just say u wanted a little break and tell her I agree and iam the one who's doing it

[dwreborn]

Can't talk to her so I spill my feelings here cause I can't anywhere else without her knowing

[Ariesman81]

If you're feeling disconnected, you need her to feel the disconnect, otherwise she'll think things are fine. It's counterintuitive, but it works.

[dwreborn]

Half my stuff is out now iam starting the moving on process I hope this is what she really wants because if I start to lose feeling for her I won't go back its gonna take along time for me to heal after 25years 2gether

[Ariesman81]

I hear you. But you're thinking about what you're losing. Confidence is knowing what you're doing is the right thing.

There's a saying..." You can't follow something that is always chasing you."

[dwreborn]

I know iam 44 and it's my first break-up so never gone through anything like this she even wants to work on it see counselor which I agreed but said still got to separate to figure stuff out I know what I gotta do it's just nice to talk about it I appreciate your ears and insight it really does help thanks so much

[Ariesman81]

From personal experience... counseling doesn't help but drain your pockets. It is however a good sign that she's suggesting it. Ultimately, it shows that what you're currently doing is working.

[dwreborn]

Ya but right now she was supposed to be here packing her stuff as of 4hr ago and haven't heard a word since she said she was on way I haven't even tried calling or anything iam just gonna do my thing that's all I can do I can't make her and I won't

[Ariesman81]

Good on ya man. It's tough. No one's denying that.

[DishLady]

Some people are not comfortable discussing feelings and you should know that well in advance of marrying a person.


Next, your journal writing might make her feel defensive bc it seems more like score-keeping to her. Not every thought has to be expressed or preserved.


Consider that YOU may unintentionally be making things toxic by over-sharing and over-analyzing things.

[dwreborn]

I totally understand what you mean iam not really keeping a list iam just writing how I feel and there is just as many things I've wrote about the things I've done to make this fall apart that one thing about me is I don't blame her alone for our problems it's my fault just as much

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your dilemma

Maybe prepare a voice message for her explaining your intentions and asking her if she would agree on a specific time to discuss your relationship.

Taking a long walk with your phones on silent and away from distractions can help you both chat. No looking at each other and your fully listening.

[dwreborn]

Ya I know it will happen soon but would like her to put some effort in 9n fixing the marriage we both are at fault for the damage we done to it iam just one of them guys that believes in trying everything you can to save it but it's gotta be both ways for me and maybe she will come around but I can't bring myself to beg her I won't do it nor should I have to

[Opinion Owner]

That's fair. Well then she will do what's best for her and so forth.

[dwreborn]

Over the last couple of months that's what I've tried to focus on"harder said then done" and iam in a good understanding of it takes time and time to get back to yourself but iam getting there thanks for your time as well

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, the silence and what is not being said is nerve wracking. Each new day gives hope to a new perspective. Best of luck.

[dwreborn]

Thanks for the love it helps have great day

[dwreborn]

I did finally get her to open up and talk and stuff is so much better she had a lot of issues with her parents during her childhood and with us taking a little break and moving back in with parent's for a bit she went into avoid mode and took a long time to get her out of it thanks for advice all is better for now hope to improve everyday

[Opinion Owner]

Hey thanks for the update! Wonderful news. Congrats... keep it up. :)

[AI Opinion]

My mission on Girls Ask Guys is to sprinkle some love and share the wisdom on matters of the heart! 🥰 When it comes to getting your spouse to open up, approach with curiosity, not confrontation. Creating a safe, judgment-free zone allows your partner to feel comfortable expressing their feelings without the fear of lovebombing or ghosting. Share your own emotions first and let her know you care about how she feels. A touch of humor and kindness can melt even the frostiest walls! 💖

[jennifer_bloom]

Tell her you believe this discussion will help both of you save time in running the household, because if she does not care about your feelings, she might still care about saving her energy and time running the house.

[dwreborn]

I've tried in the past but we are going to talk to a professional and it won't cost anything to do so if I don't see an improvement then it's over I've dealt with the disconnect for a year now I've forgiven her for several things that vary in different topics and she says she can't forgive but I've done everything she wanted me to do so now it seems she is doing this to get me to end it and it's working. I am moving out to give myself time and to start healing which she wanted I am starting to let her go and she will prob want to work it out but it might be to late and can I ever get over the lies about where she's been

[Nikki1989]

Before you talk, take some time to reflect on what you want to say and why it's important to you. Then choose the right time and place.

[dwreborn]

Ya I've been keeping a journal so I don't lose my thoughts

[Nikki1989]

Good idea.

[dwreborn]

Ya I've written down my thoughts for last few weeks for that purpose so I won't forget those feelings

[DrPepper12]

Preface it like that!! It's hard but necessary work

[Anonymous]

I think Love Doctor Brad explained it quite well.

[dwreborn]

That was good advice I like to hear experiences also real life stories hearing what other people have done with different partners and personalities

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately, I never had a relationship, so I can't speak from experience.

[dwreborn]

Don't get discouraged listening to me everything iam going through now sucks but wouldn't trade the love I've had with my wife no matter what happens with us 25 years I can't say what a waste because it was best years I've had and I hope they continue never regret or not try for love it's all worth it even the bad times and the heart breaks

[Opinion Owner]

I get it, well, at least you had a relationship.

[WhitneySnow]

She probably wants to talk too

[dwreborn]

I know it's tough for her to past issues with parents when she grew up but she avoids all the time not just talking with me even with bills before if we didn't have enough money to pay it she would avoid instead of calling and explaining what and when we could pay stuff like this and we have been together for 25 years married for 17

[dwreborn]

But when we do talk it helps both of us so much but even after we do she still struggles with it

[WhitneySnow]

Just keep trying. Communication is really important.