Was my boyfriend wrong for backhanding his teen son.. the son hit him back too?

[Anonymous]

After yesterday's scene, I'm not sure of whether to proceed with this relationship or not. I'm 27 and he's 39 with a 16 year-old son who will turn 17 in December.

During a heated argument the son called him a dumbass and he backhanded him hard, yelling "Don't ever talk to your father like that". His son punched him and yelled "Don't f****** touch me, do that again I'll hit you back again".

My boyfriend isn't talking to him because he thinks it was still wrong for a son to hit back his own father. He went on explaining that he never hit back his parents. I've voiced my opinion that both were in that wrong and my disappointment towards him that he thinks a teen backtalking merits getting hit. He scooped to his son's level, actually worse because he's an adult. So basically if someone is frustrated because bad words were said, it's right to take out your anger and hit first but then get shocked when they hit back?

I'm thinking of reconsidering my relationship. I wouldn't want to have my own kids with someone that thinks it's ok to hit for words and whenever you're frustrated but have a double standard that a teenager (esp older one) can't hit back.

Updates

8 mo

An older teen backtalking means that perhaps their voice isn't heard and they're expressing something lacking. Yet too many parents like him really think a teen backtalking deserves to get hit... that hitting is the answer when they frustrate you and say words you don't like. My boyfriend backhanded in anger.

[Anonymous]

Hey there,

I'm sorry you had to witness such a scene, must have been traumatizing for you as well.

So, I'd like to preface that I live in Asia, I have Chinese parents. If I had spoken to my parents in that manner I would have probably gotten a boot to the face. But, I knew that if I did something like that I was not gonna have a fun time. So, it never went that far because I would not speak to them disrespectfully in anger or spite.

I'm not saying this to predicate his innocence, he was most definitely at fault, I myself being raised strictly would most definitely not raise my own kids in that manner. However, I think it is a bit unfair to paint him as an abusive monster because of this one event; especially if this is something that is out of character for him.

Every parent has a line they draw, for some parents it might stealing, for some it might be drugs, for others it might be being in a gang and as I'm sure you know; many kids are thrown out and disowned for leaving their religion.

Perhaps for your boyfriend; his line is having his child throw all the years of blood, sweat and tears in his face by disrespecting him in that manner. Yes, of course it seems trivial, immature and maybe even childish, but I can understand it. The culture over here places a lot of emphasis on matters like filial piety and respect for the elders. Disrespecting them; even more so in the old days, is viewed as an egregious transgression.

Therefore, I think its important to consider some things first. Firstly, has he done something like this before? How is he usually as a father? Consider or maybe even ask him personally; would he have done the same thing if he found out his son was doing drugs? Or stole a phone, or if he got kicked out of school or beat up some kid. If his answers are no and you can gauge them to be honest and sincere then perhaps that was a line that; although seemingly trivial, could not be crossed for him.

Of course, I would like to reiterate that by no means am I proclaiming his innocence, nor am I trying to sway your decision regarding your relationship. I'm merely offering a different perspective that perhaps you could consider because it seems like at this point you see him as a monster and maybe even heartless. Also, if you do decide to leave him I would hope its not with the mindset of having dated a monster for however many years. Ultimately though, I hope things work out for the better, I hope the two boys patch things up, I hope no grudge is held. I hope you're able to heal as well of course. ❤️ Sorry for the long essay... I hope you there were at least a couple of nuggets in here that could help you along!

[Finchie40]

Yea if my Dad hit me over words my ass would be hitting him back as well. Which I have done to my toxic drunk father a few times , Unfortunately some people can’t control their temper and immediately physically attack over words , which to me is crossing the line. Your boyfriend sounds like he needs anger management classes just like my ex wife does , my ex would physically attack me if she didn’t like the words coming out of my mouth , I never hit her back even though at times I wanted to , but I would just restrain her until she calmed down. I eventually ended things with her because she is mentally unstable , so I don’t blame you for wanting to dump him , because it would be just a matter of time before he puts his hands on you over words.

[Ninania]

He's definitely wrong for doing that. Not only does he think it's okay to resort to violence in an argument, but he seems to think that children aren't equal human beings which is an even bigger red flag. I'd be out of there first chance, cause that's not a healthy person to be close to, let alone in a relationship with.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm reconsidering the relationships. I was actually shocked to see that there are still many parents like him that think a teen backtalking deserves getting slapped or hit with a belt. Horrible.
I'm shocked at that disgusting culture. So a teen that's rude and not in control deserves to get assaulted by an adult that out of control, scooping to their level? Makes no sense.
Lastly, I think if you hit anyone first (and not even in self-defense), you shouldn't get surprised if they also lost their cool and hit back. There is a 50% chance of getting hit back.

[Asker]

Now I don't even want to have kids with him.

[Ninania]

I wouldn't want him to touch me after that, let alone consider staying in a relationship with or without future children, that'd be completely out of the question.

[jazzy34]

Pause. Is your current boyfriend your son's father or? I'm sorry, I got confused.

[Asker]

No, that's not my kid. My boyfriend is a divorced man and he shares custody with his ex wife.

[jazzy34]

Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, now knowing this, I'd stay out of it, if I were you. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Right or wrong, stay out of it. You don't want drama from the boy's mother. HOWEVER. if witnessing that made you uncomfortable, I'd have a discussion with him, letting him know your discomfort and that you don't know if you can stay with him.

[AI Opinion]

Oof, quite the pickle you've found yourself in, huh? 🤨 Navigating relationships can be trickier than a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. Your instincts are leading you in the right direction when considering the dynamics at play here. Violence doesn't solve anything and raises major red flags, especially since it happened between family. You're right in expecting a safe space for future kiddos with open communication, not a WWE match on Friday night! Trust your gut and think about whether this relationship aligns with your values and future goals. Keep calm and carry on, love! 💕

[Orion84]

Run

Don't look back. Just run.

That man is a walking red flag. If he hits his own child for "talking back" then how much further is it to hitting his girlfriend/wife for the same thing?

You'll find yourself on the receiving end before long, so it's best to get yourself out of a potentially abusive relationship before it's too late.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm very disappointed to have invested emotions and time on someone that can't handle conflict. I find it hypocritical that he acted shocked and hurt when his son hit him back. It's already a 50% of getting hit back if you hit someone (even your own child) first.

[Orion84]

It's a shame that he's teaching his son that violence is acceptable, too. He'll just grow up like his father.

I think grown men should be able to control their tempers, and the fact that he appears unable to do so is a bad sign for a lengthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

The man doesn't have control over himself. There is a reason there laws protecting families from domestic violence. There are no excuses.

[lightbulb27]

up to you. some cultures beat their kids for almost nothing and frequently. some won't touch them.

[Asker]

I'm shocked. Where I come from, there is no hitting in the household and we're all taught to keep our hands to ourselves. I'm shocked to hear many parents still think a teen deserves getting hit for saying bad words... hitting for words.

[lightbulb27]

kinda depends on the context of that engagement. First blush, he shouldn't have hit him but if someone had a bad day, edgy already, made a mistake, could go off. Or if he's taking meds. More a question of how did he really want to handle it and where is his heart?
"Spare the rod, spoil the child"... ever hear that. I do believe kids need pain and suffering, some need spanked. Generally not but I see repeating long term problems due to not disciplining kids and correcting firm enough.
Also..."Children are to be seen, not heard"... chinese saying.
I got whipped once... wasn't even my fault and I got spanked once... not my fault again. Life... is not fair.
It's good you discover this now before married because some people and cultures are different. Maybe your boyfriend grew up and that's how it was and he'd have to learn something else. Thinking he won't' hit your kids when they abuse him is a stretch but he will have to have some power over them.
I've never hit my wifes kids but times I think they needed it or more harsh consequences. kids getting away with crap is the source of a lot of problems in the world and ended up making me hurt at times. that is also wrong... emotional abuse is worse than physical pain.

it's your life...

[lightbulb27]

here's a statement from popular pastor of church..."you are going to want to kill your children". he's funny a lot and of course not serious about that, but the feelings yes.

[Asker]

Ideally no one should be abusing anyone. I wasn't hit as a kid and grew up good; never got in trouble with the law nor was I ever a spoiled rebel. You don't need to hit kids to raise decent people.

[Asker]

Though just because I wasn't ever hit doesn't mean there weren't boundaries nor rules to follow. My parents were never permissive. They were still strict but just didn't include spanking.

[lightbulb27]

I don't agree, but I respect your view. Recent experience with family 3 yr old... I'd have spanked him or given sufficient warning or punish him in another way first! He's a stinker getting away with murder and it's a bad habit making the parent suffer. If you want your children to be in control, then just don't discipline them sufficiently. I'm sure there are non spanking ways of doing this first and usually, but there are case where especially boys, need to know whom the boss is and pain if they stray.

[Asker]

What else can be done to the 16 year-old boy (nearly 17) that hit back his father? What if trying to hit or spank an older teen like that boy gets you hit back? He did expressed how he can even wrestle a belt away from him too and how he's not scared of my boyfriend anymore.
What would you do if you were my boyfriend... if getting physical with him gets you hit back?

[lightbulb27]

I have step kids so it's different for me, but playing the scenario...

Come to jesus meeting at the dinner table to talk it out. We do this all the time and argue and posture... no hitting has occurred for us. I'd take the high road and either defend the hit or apologize... his call on that. it sounds like a reaction to me so in that case I'd apologize and say I need to learn to respond rather than react.

Id correct his behavior and put the rules down for the house.

Threats of lack of obedience and submission can result in consequences like... live in the basement, live outside, there is the door etc..

you want to rebuild respect but honor.

this is a big problem with older kids in that they can be strong enough to defend what they think is right. maybe the boy was right in some ways. from an academic view, the boy could write an apology letter... that will help him in life.

like any fight... its all a learning lesson and come out better or the seams come apart and house is divided. Seen it turn out both ways.

its not easy being a parent...

the issue you have is your boyfriend reacts, which is stress or training. so you can talk to him about his past, how he's feeling and how you TWO can be a team... because that is required to raise the kids. Kids will try to divide up the family to gain power. if you have disagreements take them aside and work them out in private then present the solid force to the kids.

For hitting, there was a time my father offered me and my brother to put on boxing gloves. we chose not to. At his age, probably wouldn't, but guys need to know whom the boss is. Can do that with words.

[jahaims]

You are closer to his son's age and are still more mature than him. Find a mature guy your age.

[beefcakebradybatson]

He ought to be charged with assault, or if the lad is old and big enough, beat his a** good.

[Anonymous]

I was physically abused as a kid and that shit leaves scars mental scars

[DonaldDarko]

I'd bail out his life is full of bull shit drama.

[Asker]

Honestly I'm shocked. No one ever hit each other in my family so this hitting culture is new to me. I was always taught the basic rules, which we're:
- Keep your hands to yourself; talk... use your brain.
- If I have to hit, it should be out of real self-defense
- Don't be a hypocrite that hits first and then get shocked if they hit back...

[DonaldDarko]

That's a good way to think. He doesn't think that way. My mother threw her life away on a violent criminal that she made excuses for. These people sound ghetto af. Sooner or later one of them is going to jail or worse. Likely they already have records.

[DrPepper12]

Run.