My boyfriend recording another woman?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend recently went on a trip and sent me some videos. One of the videos was of him recording a girl. He was clearly attracted to her and I could see that she was looking straight at him while he was recording. He knows I’m very sensitive to something of this nature as my ex-husband used to cheat on me. He doesn’t seem to care that this would upset me. Is this a red flag?

[FunkyMonkee]

One thing I've noticed is that some people tend to lock eye contact with whomever they're talking to. For instance, a few times, I've walked up to a friend that was talking to someone else and tried to get their attention just long enough to say hello and they'd completely "ignore" me while they were conversing, even though it was just a friendly chat!
Also, just because one guy fucked you over doesn't mean that EVERY guy's gonna be the same way!! The problem is, as I see it, there's LOADS of great, nice guys out there but, for SOME REASON girls ALWAYS go after the fucking assholes!!! And THEN, THEY get pissed at ALL guys because THEY (the girls) keep making awful choices on who they're gonna fuck!!

Back in the mid `80's, my guitarist and I got on the same bus after rehearsal and met this nice girl, Michelle and, as much as I wanted her, he talked his way into her panties and took her away from me!! They were together for several months but, no matter how often she fucked him, it wasn't enough and she caught him several times fucking other girls behind her back!! She gave him at least 3 chances to be loyal and he wouldn't so, she dropped him for good!!
Now, had she chosen me, instead, she would've had herself a VERY loyal and loving guy and there'd BE NO other girls fucking me because I just DON'T do that!!

[Asker]

I completely understand your frustration and point of view! I thought I had found the most respectful, loyal, sweetest guy I had ever met. And then I see this video and I don’t know what to think. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or he’s now showing his true colors. Point is, he knows how I would feel and either doesn’t give a fuck or doesn’t care enough to even reassure me or offer an explanation.

[FunkyMonkee]

There's a pretty good chance it's just something innocent and there's nothing to it. Have you asked him what it's about? I would do that before jumping to conclusions.
I'm sure you've seen movies or t. v. shows like this where, at the end, it was all a complete misunderstanding and absolutely nothing was going on. A woman walks past a store and spots her lover in the store looking like what she thinks is him trying to make out with some other girl in the store so, she adds 1 + 1 and get 7 and decides he's cheating on her and she starts cutting him out of her life until she finally tells him WHY and he explains that the girl in the store was an employee and she was just helping him pick out a surprise gift fer HER. There were at least 2 songs about that kind of stuff. "Fool In The Rain". A guy is supposed to meet up with his girlfriend at a certain place and time and he goes there and she never shows up and then, by the time the song is over, he discovers he's been waiting on the wrong block! "Silhouettes" is about a guy that walks past his girlfriend's place and sees her kissing someone up in her room on the other side of the window shade and when the song is over, he finds out he was looking at the wrong window.
Anyway, find out what's going on, first. Maybe he's just helping her rehearse a part for a play she's in Ask first and THEN take action, if you need to.

[Asker]

You’re possibly right and believe me I hear everything you’re saying. Let me mention, things have been perfect between us up until this damn Vegas trip!! But now he’s acting completely out of character. This man is usually blunt to a fault and loves to talk about fkn everything and leaves no room for unresolved issues. But because NOW all of a sudden he doesn’t even want to discuss it or address my feelings at all is leading me to a few different conclusions: 1. He’s completely embarrassed because I caught him acting like a creepy pervert. 2. He can’t look me in the eye because he knows he’s guilty of doing something (he’s been avoiding seeing me since he’s been back from the trip). 3. He’s currently in the beginning stages of developing another relationship and doesn’t give a flying fuck about me because he knows I’ll leave. I feel it in my gut - something is off…BTW, I need to look up these songs you’re referring to.. LOL

[FunkyMonkee]

Here's the songs: https://youtu.be/_h5YJZS7x_Q?si=vL4fkkVXACgjZ-ps
https://youtu.be/I57nIP0vc44?si=WvEVZ9Gdkt0M4T1C
I'd say either sit down and have it out with him or just leave and see what he does. If he tries to get you back, give him a chance. If he doesn't and goes off with someone else, I guess it's over. Now, if it IS the latter, it's probably already over to him. He's just trying to figure out a way to cut you loose.
Try this first, ask him if he wants to break up. You feel like maybe he's pulling away from you so, if he wants to break up, you'll just do that. If he doesn't, maybe try to set up another trip with him to a different location so he's not around her for a few weeks.
I sorta went through the same thing 24 years ago but, with my ex-fiance, it wasn't that she was trying to hide anything, it's that she just figured that SOMEHOW, I just KNEW that she was seeing someone else! We were together for 10 years but, I've NEVER been a jealous guy, like, someone that will NOT let her have male friends... and she never stopped me from having female friends but, that's ALL they ever were!! Being incredibly loyal to her, I would've NEVER bothered trying to get something on the side!! Even after she stopped fucking me after 5 years! I was still VERY MUCH in love with her, hoped to marry her some day and I just figured she was going through some kind of a phase and eventually want sex again. There were 2 or 3 incidents where I suppose it WAS stupid of me not to assume something was up but, as I said, she never gave me a reason to doubt her and I always considered her to be just as loyal to me as I was to her so, there WAS NO trust issue. I never saw her in someone else's arms, catching her making lovey dovey phone calls, holding hands, kissing, screwing, it was all quite platonic and friendly so, that's how I saw it!

[FunkyMonkee]

Then, one day, she dropped the 16 ton weight on me and said she WAS seeing someone else for the past year or two, was planning to marry the guy and thought I just knew all about it! That really fucked up MY Thanksgiving that year!! I was calling her to ask if she was coming over for dinner.

[Asker]

I’m sorry that happened to you. That definitely fucked up your Thanksgiving! Especially seeing how loyal you were. My ex husband put me through a lot as he was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. My boyfriend knows this and is ignoring what a video like that will do to me and he doesn’t seem to care. Perhaps I still have a lot to work on myself to be in a relationship with anyone at all. That video destroyed any trust, faith and love I had for him. I’ve decided that I’m done. I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust.

[FunkyMonkee]

Thank you.
Yeah, I called her up to see if she was coming over so they knew how much food to make and how many places to set at the table. The previous couple years, she'd been spending most of the holidays with friends of hers, a Turkish couple that lived near her, a couple of the members of Rusted Root, or her "FRIEND", David. Again, she said she was going to spend it with him so, I jokingly said, "Geez! What are you gonna do, MARRY the guy?", expecting her to laugh and say, "No.", after a few second of nothing from her, she said, "Well... yes." I was stunned!!! I said, "WHAT?" She said, "I thought you knew." How was I supposed to KNOW? She never said a word about it!! She was STILL calling him her FRIEND, David!!
A year later, she left him, too!! So, I gave up 10 years of my life (or at least the last 5) for just one year with him?
I feel the same way as you! That's why I wanted nothing more to do with her. She wanted us to still be friends but, how do you stay friends with someone you don't trust. On top of that incident, she also lied to me a few times and even STOLE from me!! Okay, it was just a CD but, in the first place, I could never replace it and, secondly, all she had to do was say she wanted a copy and I would've GLADLY made her one of her own!!
If there's no trust to build a relationship on, it's NOT gonna last!!
My present fiance had trust issues, too, when we first met but she not only had awful boyfriends but others that REALLY treated her horribly when she was little!! But, so far, things are GREAT with us. I love her SOOOO VERY MUCH!!! And she feels the same about me!! She treats me like a king!! I don't expect her to, I'm just an ordinary guy (maybe extra-ordinary, not to blow my own horn but, I mean, I'm not one to hurt her, EVER!!

[FunkyMonkee]

She means too much to me to EVER cause her any pain!!!) I'm just not one that feeds on praise. Like how John Lennon used to say, "we were just 4 guys that hit it very, very big. That's all!" I'm just a guy that hit it very, very big with her! We plan to spend the rest of our lives together.
I don't know where you are but, there's a guy in Texas who's really nice and you might be interested in him. Let me know and I'll introduce you to him.
I hope things get better for you!! I could sure use a good bit of help, too but it doesn't look like I'm getting much of any.
Wow!! That's nasty!! The worst we ever did was get into a couple minor disagreements and one verbal argument. And SHE was always the one that started them. None lasted more than an hour or two.

[Asker]

I’m sincerely so happy for you! Sounds like you guys are very lucky to have found each other. LOL, I live in Houston actually. But, it probably wouldn’t benefit me to try and get to know anyone while I’m emotionally broken. Thank you though ☺️.

[FunkyMonkee]

Thank you!! I'm thrilled with her and she, me!
I'm not sure what part of the state that is but I think he's somewhere in the middle. I have cousins in San Antonio and he said that's a few hours drive east (?) of him. Last summer, I helped his sister beat cancer. She only had a few weeks to live but, it's been at least 17 months, now.
Yeah, I can dig it! But, sometimes a new relationship can help the old one go away faster.
Anyway, I hope you get over it real soon and push on with your life.

[Curiousbenjamin90]

He has 0 reason to do this in a committed relationship. If he doesn’t have a good explanation, it’s emotional cheating at the least. There’s plenty of generic internet content that he could use instead of real, in-person encounters.

[Asker]

Thank you! You’re 100% correct. I think I just needed validation or hearing other people’s opinion so I didn’t feel like I am crazy.

[SueShe]

Not only a red flag but an entire red banner. Total no-go for him and he should know how you react and what kind of possible emotional issues that video will cause with you.

What makes things even worse is that he does not seem to be bothered by the fact that he knows that you will have a negative reaction to his video. I do wonder if he did not do it on purpose to aggravate you.

That kind of behavior would be typical of the type of guy that would hint that there is an issue with the relationship, knowing that you have conflicts with such visuals and a trust issue.

[Asker]

I completely agree. I appreciate your response. Thank you for taking the time to express your opinion. Have a wonderful day!

[SueShe]

No problem. Hope you can find a solution that is satisfactory. Good luck.

[Asker]

I told him how it made me feel and he literally called me crazy, and that hurt more than the video. We have been together for 3 1/2 years with no issues at all. Up until now, I have never seen this side to him. But I have learned that it takes about 4 years to really know someone. I think I need a break to reevaluate our relationship. He thinks I’m just going to sweep it under the rug. Not the case at all. Thank you Sue!

[SueShe]

thanks for the MHO

[Nikki1989]

You can bet he is doing a lot more than just recording a video.

[Asker]

Unfortunately, I agree. I’m very hurt by his actions and have concluded it’s time to move on 😞.

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach, my aim is to help you navigate the complexities of love and trust! This situation definitely raises a red flag alert 🚩. It sounds like your boyfriend might need a course in "how-not-to-upset-your-partner." Communication is key here – let him know how it makes you feel, and why it echoes past hurt. If he values your relationship, he'll understand and work towards making you feel secure. Stay strong, and remember, it’s about finding someone who respects your feelings as much as their own viewfinder! 📸😊

[Finchie40]

Yes that’s a red flag considering he knows how that makes you feel and the fact that he did that to you , shows his true colors of who he truly is , a disrespectful POS ,

[Asker]

I think you’re absolutely right, I kept trying to tell myself he’s just being a typical man. But the more I think about it from many different perspectives. That’s just a side of him he’s been hiding this whole time. That’s absolutely a shitty thing to do, period. Thank you 😊.

[Finchie40]

Yea don’t fall for that nonsense

[PrinceAlbert57]

Oh man. I’m a pretty understand and logical guy but that is pretty disrespectful. It’s almost like he purposely sent it to send you a message. I don’t know whether or not obviously if he sent on accident, but either way I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset. Logically he recorded her for a reason, recording an attractive girl indicates to me that he plans on watching it again, possibly to masturbate to, I can’t think of any other reason to record another girl? Rewatching or revisiting a particular video would be used for no other reason that I know of except to use it.

[Asker]

I honestly think there’s a possibility he inadvertently included that video with the others he sent to me. Almost everything you mentioned went through my mind! Thank you so much!

[Alex-Snow]

I think it is a red flag and why would he even take that video. Are you sure you can trust him?

[Asker]

I actually had so much faith and trusted him 100% until this incident with the video. I know he was pretty inebriated and that’s why he accidentally sent it to me. It just proves that no matter what, you can’t ever think you know who you’re with.

[Alex-Snow]

Has your relationship or sex life changed recently with him?

[Asker]

No, not at all!! We are very active and I thought he was “satisfied and fulfilled” in all aspects to the point he would even tell me that. Everything was perfect until this trip to Vegas. He knows what I went through with my ex who cheated on me continuously. So for him to be recording and showing interest in another woman and knowing I saw the video…I just don’t understand. And when I told him how it made me feel he told me to drop it and that I’m being crazy. I stopped responding to him after that and he doesn’t care at all 😞.

[Alex-Snow]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this but he fucked up. I'm glad your sex life is still good with him but one might wonder... ummmmm this happened in Vegas? Interesting.

[Asker]

Exactly. I have a gut feeling something happened in Vegas. Literally all he said was, don’t worry about anything, I had a memorable time. Like what the fuck?

[Alex-Snow]

I agree with you. I think he might have had a hookup and maybe is regretting it? Should you ask him to get tested for any sti's? But as u said he still wants sex with you but that is a typical guy move.

[Asker]

Oh no, we have not seen each other since he got back. I’m done and will not tolerate being treated that way. I just thought I was being overly sensitive because of my past relationship and that’s when I posted the question. It’s like he’s been avoiding talking about it and not even trying to reassure me. He immediately started telling me how he hurt his back and needs rest and that he’s working all weekend, etc. He is avoiding seeing me altogether.

[Alex-Snow]

Maybe it is time to move on? Hopefully you can find another sexual outlet and companionship!

[Asker]

Yes, it hurts but I’ve made the decision to move on. I will not get emotionally attached to anyone ever again. Just fun from now on…LOL. Thank you for the chat!

[Alex-Snow]

Good plan life is too short for that short. Hang in there!

[Asker]

I agree!

[JamesMillerOwl]

He's definitely having an affair with the woman in the video.

[Asker]

Well, it was in a public setting and she appeared to be either curious or trying to figure out if he was recording her. Either way, it was giving off creepy vibes and/or he was obviously flirting with her or eliciting a response. Completely disrespectful to our relationship. I never thought in a million years he would do something like this. I appreciate your thoughts ☺️.

[jazzy34]

What a fucking pervert. Yes, a HUGE one.

[Asker]

Uugghh, I never thought in a million years he would do something like that! I’m so upset about this. You’re so right!

[jahaims]

You have zero self respect