Once violence has been introduced in a marriage or a LTR (even once), the line has been crossed and no turning back?

[Vesuvius87]

Personally I think that's how it should be. There was domestic violence during my parents' marriage and I was sadly a witnessed to their fiasco. My mother would get verbal and my father (someone with anger issues too) would react physically. At one point, the tables turned.

I'm currently taking psychological sessions for that trauma done towards me. Besides the physical punishment/assault (downplayed by the word ''spanking''), it's that fight I saw between them. No child should ever hear nor witness violence between his/her parents.

I believe a marriage or LTR (long-term relationship) should never ever get to the point of hurling insults, much less getting physical with your spouse. That's already blatant disrespect and both emotional security and trust would be gone permanently. I don't like why my parents stuck with each other in that unloving, toxic marriage. I'm usually not a promoter of divorce but besides infidelity, I believe if a husband or wife ever hits you or even threatens that they will get physical with you... that's 100% divorce to me.

My husband and I are both against violence and physical punishment on kids. I think violence has no place in a marriage or LTR. Once introduced, that bridge has been burned already; no turning back.

[Cidknee]

Yeah, I agree that if a man hits his wife it will more than likely become common. Same for the other way around. A lot of girls when growing up seem to think its a right of passage to slap their first guy.
I was actually thinking about how a man arguing with spouse or girlfriend, just the other day, gets pushed to the point of becoming physical would, in the future, become this way so much easier again.

I too am a refugee from a very violent upbringing. My dad has the 🏆 in his ⚰️ for violence toward my mother. She divorced him 3 times but he always managed to get her back after 6 months or so. Broken jaws, arms, legs, tibs, and her nose many, many times. I managed, with help from above, to stop him from doing it at age 26, 31 years after mom married him.

[Vesuvius87]

My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry you had to deal with that traumatic experience. Over the years, I've developed a zero tolerance policy against violence. No one ever deserves getting battered like that. I hate aggression in men. They are like some type of ticking bomb who lacked self-control. It's like they can't control their impulses and let their frustrations take over. It would be a better world if those men and women that have no self-control remain single and childless.

[Jamie05rhs]

I agree with you.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah.. once would be too much for me

[Jamie05rhs]

@Vesuvius87 Right! He doesn't get 3 strikes. One strike and he's out!! #zerotolerance

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach, my aim is to nurture love and respect. You're spot on—violence is a major red flag, a line that once crossed, darkens the horizon of trust and love. Your stance on zero tolerance for violence is so essential in relationships. Experiencing that as a child was tremendously hard, and it's inspiring that you're taking steps for healing. Bringing in a healthier, loving environment for your family now is a big win! Cherishing kindness and communication can bring joy and peace. Stay strong in embracing the love you believe in, and cheers to peaceful, loving futures! 💖

[ohsheeT]

Your 100% Right and if anyone is going through this and you allow it to happen again they will keep doing.

If you think with all your heart you can make it work

Then you better make 1 rule they do it again. Or even come close to doing it
If they raise there voice.
If they can not control themselves in any form or matter get out. Now

This is not love. You can't change anyone
If they say they will change get out anyway. They have to prove it to themselves first and not for a week it has to be a year or more

I dont know what the stats are but most women that stay I. That type of relationships

Get hurt or can even die and most of the time it's not what the guy meant to do but he did it
It's the same as a lie the first time someone lies it goes down hill fast

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. That's not love. My parents' marriage was already over long ago. My mother said she stayed for both me and my younger brother. By staying, that's actually worse because that's setting up a bad example... telling your kids to tolerate unacceptable conducts.

[ohsheeT]

And I agree with that 100 % and to be honest thats when the parents should go separate ways , because when you have kids , it becomes about the kids now and everything that you do in front of them , they will remember and it will change their lives

My mom and dad got divorced when I was one

My mom remarried when I was found out that my step. Dad was not my dad. When I was ten they divorced

And from 5 to 10 my stepdad used to beat me with a belt.
Him and my mom would argue all the time and I would listen to it

And I always told myself when I had kids. I hoped that I was not like him and from 5 to 10 ten actually. From 5 to 30 thirty something I was on the search for who I was i had got married at a child. My stepdad had passed away, but I always wanted to show him that you did not have to beat on a kid to get your point across. That is not love, so I made sure no yelling. No touching, no hitting at all for any reason.
I\nAm very , very proud of my son of myself for not being like my stepdad , because all I had to do was go psst with my first ginger in the air motioning come here i would say, is this your property or whatever the deal was, but I would say? Is it yours? If you break it, can you pay for it?
They would say no I would say treated with respect, then do you understand? You say yes , and then I'll say , have fun think before you do

[Vesuvius87]

Thanks goodness you broke the cycle. My father hit me with a belt when I couldn't understand my math homework after 2nd explanation. Even as a now 38 year-old woman, I'm wondering how on earth is a child suppose to learn math (already a difficult subject for many people) by hitting them? How is it their fault the kid couldn't learn at a quicker pace? Why are some people having kids if they're not going to have patience?
Indeed that's not love. How can you love someone you beat with a belt? Makes no sense. I'm glad you broke that abusive cycle. My husband and I are cycle breakers too. Our son will have a loving upbringing without violence.
I fail to understand why would any parent want their child to fear me and them being happy their child ''respects'' them out of fear.

[ohsheeT]

Yes for sure and I was fearful for him without when I was 10 the last time. That he beat me. I promise myself. I would not cry even though I had tears rolling off my face. I would not cry and I told him. How can you say you love me and beat me when I'm black-and-blue and tell me you love. That's not true if you don't. That's not love

My son is six foot 5
Just a big buff boy , fireman paramedic

And I don't care where we are at or where we see each other. Even if his fellow firemen are right around us when he sees me. You will say daddy come up and give me a big bear hug
We will talk for a few minutes. He will say , I love you he's not embarrassed. He's not concerned what others will think is who he is, and that's the way it should be.\nHe is calm, he has patience. He's just a good man. I'm very proud

[DishLady]

Once violence has been introduced there's no guarantee that it won't return or worsen over time.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I've developed a zero tolerance policy for violence in a marriage. For me that's an immediate red card, as in ''one strike, you're out''.

[Finchie40]

I agree , a marriage or LTR, should be happiness and peace not misery and hell

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I've developed a radical, zero tolerance approach towards violence in my marriage. Even once would be too much for me.

[Finchie40]

Yea just walk the other way without looking back

[Purpleronnie]

I absolutely agree with that… it’s just not always that straightforward.
As a child I watched my dad struggle with depression and alcohol abuse , first exerting emotional control over my mother and then this escalate to physical abuse and it being blamed on the cycle of depression he was subjecting himself too. Not that I knew any of this at the time but would come to as an adult clearly.
My mother knew no family of her own , being orphaned and separated from her sibling not long after birth , so with no support structure little other access to help due to a myriad of factors from finances to access of information she “tried” to battle through it by trying to get him the care he needed.. not really having many options due to circumstance …perhaps not realizing the simple unavoidable truth that he firstly had to admit there was a problem that needed outside help and he never did.. at least not before he was diagnosed with liver failure but by then it was too late. .. choosing to further self medicate


The massive majority of us would agree that violence has no place in any relationship and would further argue that there is always have a choice.. take yourself out of it , call the authorities , seek shelter , etc etc but of course most would say that , we are on the outside looking in … it can be very different when your in the relationship or party to it like I was with so many contradictory emotions all whilst being manipulated, feeling trapped , not believing you have any choice or worse.

[Vesuvius87]

The ones affected the most are always the kids. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. It really sets a bad example for the child. I've decided that the cycle of violent epsiodes during a marriage and assaulting kids with objects as ''discipline'' ends with me and my husband. I've actually developed a zero tolerance policy about violence. As you can see on my post, my views are radical. Once would be too much for me.

[Purpleronnie]

Thanks for saying but sharing part of my story was not about sympathy it was to point out a few of the many complexities of why people may find themselves trapped in abusive relationships. There is considerable naivety around just what it takes to get oneself out of such a relationship. However , I applaud your commitment to ‘zero tolerance’ it’s certainly one I consider it may help but I’m no psychologist and don’t consider myself well educated in the reasons people may develop into becoming violent within relationships. I came to realization quite a few years ago that my decision never to be a father was very much as a result of my childhood.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Why is the violence being introduced?

Introducing violence is a pretty big deal to any relationship. Pretty negative/bad et cetera too... but, let's ignore that factor for now. That brings us back to why this big deal bad thing is being introduced into an otherwise loving relationship.

Something is being judged as being worthy of being met with equal or greater force. That's what makes me a bit of a victim blamer. She's getting beat up? well, what did she do? My fear is that the violence being introduced into the equation blinds everyone to why that violence is being introduced, and my question would be... if the thing that caused violence to be introduced disappeared, would it be a better relationship?

So here is my personal conclusion... the relationship was already fucked up before the violence got introduced. Some kind of cheating/betrayal/shit testing or general negative thing brought about this other negative thing unless the violent one is just an outright psychopath that is only concerned with control and doesn't care fo human emotions to begin with.

Let's introduce magic. If the violent one could go back and unintroduced the violence? Should they though? That only makes sense if they just end the relationship completely. With females that secretly conspire to get some punishment, they'd be calling him a f***** because he just ended the relationship instead of pushing back and giving her some punishment.

Really complicated subject and my brain is checking out. I'm gonna go slap my wife now. Because that's going to get her to give me money and suck my dick better than it's ever been sucked before. Have... a good day.

[Vesuvius87]

I really dislike the idea of placing the male as the one giving us some punishment. That's like not being viewed as a capable, equal partner. That would make us his subordinate and we've come a long way of having fair rights.
Yeah my parents' marriage was long screwed up way before the violence was introduced. My father was never in love with my mother. Prior to meeting my mother when he was 28 (she was a very naivee 17-18 year-old at the time... and a virgin), he had a long-term girlfriend. He and the ex girlfriend were both virgins. Though the ex girlfriend dumped him because he used to hit her too, pressured her to have an abortion, kept stringing her along (refusing to get married, keeping her as a forever girlfriend... and she was getting older) and she found better. Supposedly he never got over here and once in a while, my mother catches him checking up her FB profile. The ex girlfriend even once texted my mother and told her to tell him to stop stalking her profile. She even asked my mother ''what's up with him, isn't he happy in the marriage, why is your husband checking my profile''?

My father clearly always had anger issues and my mother was only verbal. Many years later, tables turned. At one point my father reverted to being verbally antagonistic and my mother got physical. She went from a woman that didn't like spanking kids (she never spanked me) to using a belt on my younger brother; copying from my father. He changed her and as of now, she's a nervous wreck, has rapid heart beating sometimes, a high cholesterol and her pressure rose. My father is on permanent pills for his high blood pressure and on Atorvastatin for the high cholesterol too.

[Vesuvius87]

I believe my mother would've likely been a calm, docile woman if she would've had a gentleman like my husband or any other one that doesn't hit women. She would've probably even been healthy. As for my father, I think he would've been better if he would've recognized his anger issues and sought help immediately before getting involved in any relationship.

[D_Bone_Steak]

He was with a virgin while being a virgin, but she somehow got pregnant? I can see what caused his red pilled rage if I read that part correctly. He came off of dealing with a cheating bitch and then got with your mother.

It's sad that's his damage also damaged your mother as in slowly making her the same way. It's also sad that your father developed that violent streak that got carried into another relationshit.

This is why I preach, once a woman makes you want to be violent, don't get physical, get logical. Learn to tear woman and men apart with your mind in order to keep order. It's too easy to get over the top or go too far if you rely on physical instead of mental.

How do you deal with all that shit as a child that is just seeing it? Does it make you violent?

[Vesuvius87]

I'll elaborate a bit more. While both my father and his ex girlfriend lost their virginities to each other; he wasn't a saint either. He was cheating on her many times and she got back on him by not just cheating back but getting marrying the other man she got pregnant with. My father already had a violent streak even before she got back on him. He already had his own issues. His own mother (my paternal grandmother) used to hit him as ''discipline'' with something worse than a belt. She was a religious fanatic and on the Holy Week or Easter Sunday or so, she used to wake him up by striking him with that thing as a way to help make Jesus suffer. She used to forced him to go to church and the outside marketplace; the two things he hated the most and felt suffocated. Meanwhile his father (my parternal grandfather) never hit him but he used to hit his mother before he was born.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes, I'm seeking a psychologist for my own stress issues. I tend to get a bit impatience if I had to repeat something more than twice. When I was 16 or so, I dropped a dictionary book on the floor in anger during an argument with my mother. I've realized I have a mild version of my father's violent streak. It's lesser than him and it's just verbal.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I sort of feel a lot of connection to your father... many of his abuses are things I've gone through. It's been a hardcore struggle to put the "anger" genie back in the bottle or at least not use it for bullshit reasons like my Mother did and still does. We all have our struggles, you and I, as well as our parents and their parents before us. I'm glad you're just being real about this sort of stuff because it really is complicated and most of these sour fucks on this site tend to oversimplify the details or the complexity of it all with parroted idioms they heard from TV or a TicTok clip.

Like when I started out here, I was just pointing out that a negative thing like bringing violence into a relationship dynamic is usually brought about by something negative being done to them... like a self=defence mechanism.

My best advice to when the situation arises... calm yourself and think hard on what is triggering a verbal lashing out. If male that could equal physical pretty fast simply because you have the power, which is why most of us that's experienced abuse by women happened when we were younger and much weaker than them.

It's a subject that is really complicated for me... I don't have it figured out at all.

[Vesuvius87]

That's one of the top reasons, my husband and I are taking the energy, patience and time to really parent our son through expectations, guidance, love and rules. We won't ever include physical punishment on him. Since a boy can overpower us physically during his teen years and then as an adult, it's important to cultivate him with a good upbringing from an early age.

[Shehnaz]

Violence starts with verbal violence. Whoever initiates it at the first instance with unnecessary drama has already depicted the end result. That is when the actual line is crossed of peace being turned into trauma and if the other person decides to end the relationship then and there it is justifiable. If you prolong it then the levels of violence keep rising up. So decide at the first instance.

[Vesuvius87]

Though the one that then always escalates a verbal altercation (verbal violence) into physical has their own anger issues too and is no better either. One has to be the bigger person and either walk away from further verbal altercations or simply suggest marriage counseling. For instance being yelled at or called bad names isn't a self-defense case that justifies hitting first. So the one then hitting first is wrong as well.

[Shehnaz]

There is a difference between being wrong as well and being the first one to be wrong. So the first person at the receiving end should then initiate the separation and end all ties to avoid escalation any further violence.

[Vesuvius87]

Indeed. It should've been over a long time ago, right on the first time it happened.

[FunkyMonkee]

No, I think it can be patched up and hopefully not brought up, again. I mean, in minor cases. Like, if it only happens once. If it happens a number of times, unless the hitter goes through some heavy therapy and gets over their anger, I don't l know if that can be patched up.

[Cidknee]

Yeah, it's really down to the individuals involved. It can be survivable with some.

[Vesuvius87]

Though actually too traumatized by what I've witnessed and been through too much that if there is one thing I have no patience in working out is violence. For me that's an immediate red card (when a soccer player does something bad enough to get red carded and suspended from the game). There is no ''ok what happened, if you do it again, it's over''. Nope. I can work out through other issues but besides cheating being a deal-breaker... I have a radical, zero tolerance approach toward violence.

[FunkyMonkee]

Mom used to always say, "Any man that hits me will never get another chance."

[Vesuvius87]

she's aboslutely right. Someone that hits is because they have no ability for basic communication skills an adult should already have.

[FunkyMonkee]

BUT, there's a difference between hitting out of anger over just an argument and hitting for the sake of power.
If I'm having an argy bargy with someone and it gets to the point where I'm so pissed I just hit them, that's something that CAN be talked through once cooler heads prevails and hopefully, eventually forgiven!
But, if a guy just hits on a regular basis, like, he TELLS his wife to go get him a beer from the kitchen and she doesn't get it immediately so, he starts beating her for not doing what he wants, then he starts hitting her for not having his dinner ready when he's ready to eat, that's a COMPLETELY different ballgame and NOT something that SHOULD be forgiven!! The latter was the one mom was talking about. THANKFULLY, I'm NOT like that at all!!

[Vesuvius87]

What if the hitting out of anger over just an argument is repetitive for years? Isn't there a point the one hitting in anger after an argument seriously needs professional help too?

[Vesuvius87]

If hitting in anger during an argument is done over and over... that can't be normal anymore.

[FunkyMonkee]

That'd fall into the latter category. Hitting in more than one incident, especially if done repeatedly, should NOT be tolerated.
Yes, if the hitting keeps happening. Once, I can see it being "cleared up", a second time, if it was about 20 or 30 years later, I could PROBABLY deal with but it's starting to get dodgy!! Any more frequent than that, you got trouble!
Nope, it's not normal, anymore.
Apparently, my grandfather used to get drunk and beat the hell out of grandma and a couple of their daughters hated him for that!! For some reason, grandma stuck by him until the late `70's when he started cheating on her, too. They were both in their late 60's or so, by then.

[loveslongnails]

Once violence has occurred in a marriage, the party it's been done unto must leave. That's the end, there's no redemption, no apologizing, no nothing. It's over. Feel free to disagree if that's what you believe, but I have no room for discourse with you. It's a done deal.

[Vesuvius87]

Definitely. After what I've witnessed during my whole childhood and teen years, I've developed a zero tolerance policy towards violence. I have no patience nor room to be dealing with that. I can work through other issues in my marriage (ex: husband got laid off, help him with bills or debts, etc) except abuse and infidelity. Those two are an immediate red card to me.

[genericname85]

please don't take this as offensive, but to a mentally robust person i'd say draw the line once. don't let them step over it after you drew that line and if they do, ditch them immediately with absolutely no chance of returning. but to you who clearly has their struggles with this, i'd highly suggest a zero tolerance approach. cause that's how you end up in the patterns that traumatized you to begin with.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah after what I went through, I have no tolerance at all for any violent epsiode nor hitting our child with a belt and calling it ''discipline''... not even once. My approach towards towards is actually very radical. Once would be too much for me.

[genericname85]

i don't know the local laws of your country. in germany, childen have a litteral legal right to a violence free upbringing. so that means it's litterally illegal to use any form of violence to "discipline" your child. and on top of that the overwhelming scientific consensus is: no ammount of violence ever has a positive outcome on a childs development. so you're wrong legally, you're wrong scientifically and you're wrong morally for doing that.

i have to say only few years ago i had the opinion that a little bit of physical correction can be beneficial but i'm happy that a few of my social worker friends said this is absolutely wrong. it lead me to educate myself and to correct my view so that's what i think is true now.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm in Peru but my parents and I used to live in FL, USA long ago. I just learned that they already banned corporal punishment in Peru since in all settings just 10 years ago. The law got passed in Dec. 2015 so yes now, a parent can get in trouble in my country if they report it.

[Vesuvius87]

Yes, Peru banned corporal punishment of children and adolescents in all settings when it passed a law on December 10, 2015. The law prohibits both physical and humiliating punishment, and its enforcement includes the home, schools, and other community spaces.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm so glad changes have been made and more people are opting against it. My husband and I will raise our son without physical punishment. That's not discipline (never was). It's assault.

[genericname85]

yeah it's not that old of a law here either. only since November 8th, 2000. so many people who were born and raised before that like me are still catching up. i can only imagine it's even less acknowledged in the population where you live.

[genericname85]

i personally was lucky not to be subject to violence in my upbringing but my parens sure were.

[Vesuvius87]

several people in my country are actually catching up and refusing to hit their kids. One of my male cousins, my male childhood friend and a couple others are against corporal punishment. It isn't treated as the norm too much by now.

[Vesuvius87]

so yeah by now, kids before this year or a bit before are lucky to not be raised by violence. I'm glad things are changing.

[FirePhoenixZ]

The moment violence enters love, love leaves.

Once that line is crossed, forgiveness might exist but safety and trust rarely return the same way.

Some boundaries aren’t meant to be rebuilt, they’re meant to be remembered.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. That's how it should be. After all I've witnessed during my childhood and teen years, I've zero patience and time for violence. I treat that as an immediate red card; one strike and you're out.

[DarkCarousel]

I agree. Or even destruction of physical objects within my vicinity… example throwing something at a wall, punching something… that’s a line for me.

[Vesuvius87]

Oh yes that too would get an immediate red card from me. I have no patience nor room to be dealing with aggression from a husband.

[BadApple69]

No turning back. A guy or a girl that will use violence once will use it again. Time to run, don’t walk but run

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I've developed a radical approach towards violence. My approach is a zero tolerance policy... once and it's over right there.

[BadApple69]

Good girl. It’s my experience after the first time it just gets worse and worse.

[Vesuvius87]

Either that or it leaves the child with traumas. The emotional scar remains there forever.

[BadApple69]

You mean splitting up leaves the children traumatized? I would say that watching momma being beat will traumatize the children more.

[Vesuvius87]

Nope. I meant them staying and watching all those horrible violent episodes (esp physical violence from a man towards a woman) as a kid, leaves the child traumatized.

[BadApple69]

You are 100% correct. But we all have trauma in our lives and it makes us who we are. Most can handle the trauma and adapt, and cope and the sorry few get scarred for life.

[slatyb]

I don't know if there's no turning back ever, but the abused partner needs to leave.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. If it happens once, it can happen again since the one hitting got used to getting away with it every single time there is a heated argument. That's not normal.

[Nikki1989]

1000% correct.

[Nikki1989]

Males will always sugarcoat violence in most of these situations, as you can see from the disgusting comment from one such male on this thread.

[Vesuvius87]

It's so ironic whenever they criticize someone else's dysfunctional marriage or things other families do and fail to realize the effects their toxic marriage did to me.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for pointing it out. Honestly I can't relate using violence on someone weaker than you over words. It's cowardly and disgusting. I hate violence and hate aggression in a man.

[Nikki1989]

I have been on the receiving end of domestic violence, and the support I received was very limited, especially from men.

[Vesuvius87]

Unbelievable. Just when you would think the very gender that's supposedly more protective with us can fail so miserably. I'm sorry to hear you had to undergo another trauma (their lack of support). Are you seeking counseling? I've still having sessions with a female psychologist.

[Nikki1989]

I did the therapy sessions. It was a long time ago now, but those experiences never leave you. Mental scars are for life.

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah that's true. Even with a successful therapy session, the scars remains there.

[zagor]

Not necessarily. If alcohol or drug use was involved and that use has permanently ended then the problem may not reoccur.

[Vesuvius87]

Nope. Neither alcohol nor drug use was involved. Those violent episodes happened when they were sobered.

[zagor]

Then it is probably a personality flaw and that person should not be considered as a potential mate.

[Vesuvius87]

After what I've witnessed, I've become intolerant towards violence in a marriage. For me, even once (whether or not booze is involved) is too much. I see it as a ''one strike and you're out''.

[zagor]

My sister saw her marriage was over when they had a fight and he walked outside and gave the dog (who worshiped the ground he walked on) a solid kick in the ribs. She decided she wasn't going to have kids with him.

[CupOfCoffee6]

Yes, get out now. They’ll apologize and leave before you're featured on Investigation Discovery, or one of you ends up in prison.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. Even if it doesn't end up in murder and they become roommates at the end (in a loveless marriage like my parents), they still affected the child emotionally and psychological. I grew up not knowing what a healthy marriage without violence was like. There was a point during my teen years I thought that all men hit their wives if she gets verbal or throws a tantrum. Nope. That was just my bad experience in seeing a toxic marriage but my parents don't represent the other normal marriages where no one ever hits each other.

[Kelly6]

@Vesuvius87 100% agree

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you.

[Pterodon]

Yes I believe so. If it happens once it’ll happen again

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. After what I've gone through I've developed a zero tolerance approach towards violence.

[Smegskull]

Probably... It depends on how strictly you define violence and introduced.

[Vesuvius87]

In my parents case, every single time my mother got verbal during a heated argument, my father would get physical with her. Then tables turned years later, my father reverted to verbal at some point and mother started getting physical back because he used to hit first in the past.
Those episodes of a verbal heated argument, escalating to physical fight would be repeatedly. That's not normal and never should've been tolerated.

[WhitneySnow]

I believe you’re right

[Vesuvius87]

Indeed. My parents' marriage was over long ago when my father got physical with my mother for the first time. Then years later, my father regressing to getting verbal and mom getting physical is no better either. Talk about toxicity. While there isn't anymore violence between them, they are now basically like roommates in that dead, unloving marriage. My mother steps out more often to not deal with him all day long. For me, if my husband were to ever get physical, once would be too much for me.

[WhitneySnow]

Totally agree

[Alex-Snow]

I agree with you Whit.

[Alex-Snow]

I agree with you.

[Vesuvius87]

I find it ironic that my parents sometimes criticize other families' flaws and point out how they can affect the children... yet failed to realized the long-term effects their violent episodes did to me over the years.

[Vesuvius87]

and I'm working on myself with a psychologist because I never knew how a healthy marriage (of no one hitting each other) is like nor how to raise a child without spanking. My husband and I want to provide our son a healthy, loving upbringing without violence.

[noohair]

Good for you. Heal well...

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you very much.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Almost certainly not.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly.

[Agape93]

Correct.

[Vesuvius87]

I wished my parents would've divorced long ago. My mother should've filed assault charges when he got physical for the first time. It's one thing to be verbally antagonistic but getting physical is battery to me.

[Agape93]

It is battery

[exitseven]

yes, that is right.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you. I'm already tolerant in other things but two things that will get him an immediate red card (one strike and you're out) is infidelity and abuse. I can work out other issues except those two top NO's.

[roy_ricky09]

Nope...

[Vesuvius87]

So it's normal for a married couple or those in a LTR to frequently have physical altercations on every single heated argument?

[roy_ricky09]

Absolutely not... But relationships need understanding, sacrifices, adjustments and many more things. As long as one considers that one can walk out of marriage and not addressing the problems, one keeps ending up in the same situation again and again. One must understand the cause and sort things out.

[Vesuvius87]

I wished my parents would've solved their differences long ago instead of keeping doing the same thing over and over for years. I find it idiotic when someone finds themselves on the same situation, same position and does the same thing over and over, it's not working and still does the same thing, expecting different results.

[Vesuvius87]

In the end, I was the one affected the most.

[roy_ricky09]

Look... What I'm about to tell you is the hard truth that we never understand about our parents. They have problems like any other human being, but they never wish to let them affect their children. It is unfortunate that it still does to some extent. But we must still love them unconditionally for all the had to go through in their lives and sacrifices they made for us.

[Vesuvius87]

Loving them is different than pointing out the flaws.

[roy_ricky09]

I used to feel the same and I can relate to every bit. Mine was way worse than yours and then something happened and it all changed

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly I can't relate hitting your wife during an argument over words. I can't relate hitting your child with a belt (along with yelling like a madman) just because he/she didn't understand their math homework after the 2nd explanation. No girl/woman likes their mother getting hit by a man. I actually expect a man to have more self-control (esp if it's just words) because if he loses his cool it's scary for us and he can overdo it.

[Vesuvius87]

I love my husband for his sweet nature. If he were to become aggressive with me, I wouldn't love him anymore. Just like some men judge us for our sexual past, I judge a man for his ability to handle his emotions and have self-restrain. I love men that are gentlemen, not aggressive types.

[roy_ricky09]

I understand... First thing is for you to so is focus your life and partner. Forget about the past. You are the decision maker of your life not the past.
I did it so can you. You be in tears if I share my story.

[Vesuvius87]

That's what I'm doing. I've been seeking help with a psychologist and still having sessions.

[roy_ricky09]

You'll hate me for this, therapy doesn't work at all. I the end it you and your decisions. Plain and simple.