Is it unhealthy to want to be unequal in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I am unattracted to men my own age. I think it's because I crave that unequal power imbalance. I want a man to be more mature and assertive over me. I want to be able to trust his decisions and go with it cause thinking is a very overwhelming thing. I sound like a child, but I'm just having a hard time with too many thoughts, and when a man can just tell me what's best for me, life is so much easier to manage.

I am not unintelligent or lacking in wisdom. And I am quite self-aware.

This is probably very unhealthy. I just can't find myself attracted to someone on an equal level as myself.

[Noredcarpet]

You could very well then be the perfect victim of a man who is very controlling of you and believe me if the word controlling is not enough to scare you off, there is a down side to it. If you can't figure this out yourself what is wrong with you, so to speak, lol, I would go into therapy to change your mindset which too will result in you not being attracted no more to your old kind, but a new kind. You have to find out why you are the way you are because it sounds as if you have given up on resolving that and getting rid of it, instead. As if you have started your Journey but then stoped walking half way into it. Keep walking. Don't loose faith in yourself. You got this.

I have myself been in relationships were control got to be play a dominant part. I have learned my down sides, what path I was on without realizing it. I was not the one dominant, controlling, just for the record, but I was too light hearted, wanted to cheer him up (already sign of potential mental illness on his part ready to burst given the "right" circumstances). They both (my ex and current, now current doing therapy) had this what I thought was strong boundaries way more suspiscious over all and men I never thought would cheat on me, bring in chaos, guess what they were the chaos, already in. (My parents relationship went down the drain after infidelity). The good part was that I felt protected by them but then again I should not and felt many times I did not need their protection. Long story, but you get the point I'm sure. You really need to built yourself in such a way that you do not stand inferior to a man you have given all your power to, what if, what when he flips and start showing you his other side, then you are the opposite of being protected, trust me. Don't make yourself a target

[Nikki1989]

You are craving a reliable, assertive co-pilot who can step up and carry the decision-making burden when you are overwhelmed. That need is normal. The most attractive person for you will be one who asserts control over problems, not over you.

[Asker]

That makes a lot of sense! The unhealthy thing would be to find someone assertive, but not someone controlling.

[HighValue]

That's fine, but there are also stupid, immoral older men too. When you find one, look at his morals, his past life decisions, and his self discipline (did he do drugs or drink lots of alcohol and party? Was he irresponsible and had kids by others in his past that he didn't stay with?) First look at those things, then you can decide if he is the right one for you. Also, look at what physical condition he is in. If he is healthy and in shape, he will likely stay that way for a long time since he had the self discipline to continue to exercise on his own for many years by then. The majority of even high school/college athletes stop exercising by their mid to late 20s and get in very bad shape, so if a man is in his late 30s or older and is in good shape, he will likely continue to be even into his 60s.

[nastyb]

yes, I completely agree. its terribly wrong to just assume that just because a man is older, it must mean he knows what he is doing or that he will always be a good decision maker. There are plenty of older people who fucked up a million times in life, there are plenty of 45 yr olds with the maturity of a 13 yr old.

[ohsheeT]

There are a lot of girls and women who want the same thing but if you ask a women that has lived that life. They will tell you it's not worth it because they start to want to control you and the things that they should be responsible for that lack and the girl or women have to pick up the slack

[AI Opinion]

Well, aren't you diving into spicy territory? 😏 Wanting an older man can be totally valid. It's essential, though, to ensure it doesn’t lead to lovebombing or boundaries getting stomped on! As long as your dynamic is built on respect and mutual consent, enjoy the ride! Having someone decisive sounds appealing, but make sure your voice doesn't get lost in translation just because it makes things easier. Stay fabulous and keep the vibe healthy! 😄

[DishLady]

I don't know why you're making such a big deal about it. Most gals end up with a guy either their age or older who has more experience at certain things than she does.

"When a man can just tell me what's best for me, life is so much easier to manage" makes you sound like someone who needs to be institutionalized, though. What you're proposing might be a cute novelty for a guy for a while but he'll get bored and want someone to take care of HIM...

[HawkPerception]

Nothing wrong with that. It just means you're a very feminine woman. Sadly though, it's a shit world and there are a lot of men that would take advantage of that and be manipulative and abuse you. Tread carefully and filter well when choosing your partner. Make sure they're a decent person who makes you feel safe and loved.

[AviatorTom]

No relationship is equal. Each partner has their own strengths and weaknesses, pros and cons. A good relationship is when the partners complement each other.

[Finchie40]

Not at all , you are just attracted to a guy that is mature that can take lead , which most females’ are attracted to A girl that looks up to me and respects me and stays loyal to me , will win my heart , but these days it’s sadly harder to find a girl that knows what it means to be in a relationship

[RavVid]

I don't see it as unhealthy. A lot of people are inclined to make decisions almost immediately and lock into that decision over any other... because they thought of it.

When circumstances are multi-factored and complex, that is a bad way to make decisions. You will be better off at least getting input from someone who can see more than immediate factors.

Women are more prone to immediate emotional response decisions. You can see that in marketing oriented to them. So I think it is healthy that you defer to a man who is good at decision making.

It is not as unequal as you are suggesting. It is common that one of the couple is better at one thing than the other. That is the power of couples - it combines the strengths of two people

[Asker]

That also makes sense. I am prone to impulsive emotional bursts, while I am a reasonable person otherwise. And I really appreciate when a man can just tell me to stop and think and not act rashly. But isn't it wrong to put so much on the man? Like what do I offer?

[RavVid]

I don't think it is putting that much onto your man if you listen to and acknowledge his suggestions. Your partner clearly has your interests at heart but also has some third party objectivity.

Also we like to add value to our partners life so it can be a bonding moment. It is not as if you are taking from him. In fact you are also giving to him by trusting his advice/council as you are giving respect. Respect is more important than love to a man.

It isn't really as if a couple has to be equally capable in the same area. It is a lot better if the masculine & feminine sides of a couple have capabilities in different areas.

You should offer value to your partner and it is good you are thinking in these terms. A lot of girls don't even think in terms of what they offer a man but have a long list of what a man should offer them..

[nastyb]

@Asker

you're probably just a sub who likes to be dominated. but I really would warn anyone on basing their important life decisions solely based on someone else's calculations. If you don't know what is best for yourself, its a dangerous way to ride.

[RavVid]

@nastyb @nastyb You are aware of cognitive biases I trust? There are more than 175 of them. The sunk cost fallacy is one of the best known.

For most people the easiest way to safeguard against maladroit decision making - due to cognitive biases - is simply to talk to someone else as they aren't so likely bring the same cognitive biases that you do. Especially a trusted person who does have best interests at heart.

The asker is self-aware she is prone to emotive decision and many people are. Seeking a balance to that is simply good decision making. She is not the only one. Many people make decisions they actually don't need to make.

I do need to say you were unnecessarily demeaning to the asker - in my view.

[nastyb]

I say this as someone who HAS based important life decisions on other people's opinions. Every single time I have made a decision based off of what someone else had said, it had always been the wrong decision.

Nobody, other than your parents, have your best interests at heart. If you have a boyfriend, your boyfriend will tell you to make decisions that will eventually end up benefiting HIM, not you. He might not even know what is the best for you because he doesn't truly know what you want.

Nobody knows what you want out of life and what you're good at, better than yourself.

Nobody knows you , better than yourself.

Don't ask parents to make educational / career decisions for you, if they never held a professional career.

Don't rely on your husband to make all the financial decisions if he is not a financial expert.

Don't just rely on your man to make all the decisions just cuz he seems confident. Not everyone who seems confident are actually good decision makers.

[nastyb]

@RavVid

[RavVid]

@nastyb @nastyb Everybody suffers from tunnel vision very badly in their own thoughts and cognitive biases lead to bad decisions. Cognitive biases are taught for that reason so that we have a better chance of recognizing their role in decision making. It just simply helps to know that I/You/We have these builtin biases.

I routinely seek other opinions if it matters that the decision is good. Maybe I pruned an option from the decision tree too readily. Decisions require values because without we don't then have a means to evaluate an option against another option. We tend to receive what is goodness values

We are all meant to be sapient however and to put wisdom around received wisdom and evaluate. Quite often poor results occur with 'experts' because you've put aside your role in decision making. Taking non-expert advice is useful in it's own right.

[nastyb]

@RavVid

I'm not talking about asking for other people's input. I'm specifically talking about someone without a brain of their own, cannot think on their own, constantly have to rely on someone else to make important life decisions for them.

For some women, its a fetish. They love someone who dominates them so they like to sit back and feel like they're being controlled. Its a huge mistake.

[RavVid]

@nastyb @nastyb OK. Couples often divide decision making along gendered lines. I'd rather not make decisions on colors but I would want to make decisions on IT stuff in the house because I am a professional in that area. I would also expect my decision to count highest in a number of other areas.

In the case of the asker she is aware she acts impulsively in emotional circumstance. That is a good use case of using a partner in the decision. For myself, I usually find that a decision doesn't need to be made. Most possibilities don't happen and most of the time a decision is not needed immediately.

If it is OK seeking input from others why isn't OK for the boyfriend/husband to be included in that? In most cases the interests of the couple as individuals and as a couple are perfectly aligned.

Girlfriends have quite often handed off decision making to me and all the more as I have earn't my stripes in getting better results for them/us.

Domination would be me forcing a girlfriend to do something she doesn't want to. If I am just more capable in areas most girlfriend's have preferred me to just take care of it.

There is nothing badly wrong with this and is very common.

[nastyb]

@RavVid

Boyfriends absolutely should not have any sole decision-making power. You're just a boyfriend. In a few years, you might not even be together. This would especially be bad if your boyfriend is not a good decision maker himself or if he puts HIS OWN personal best interests above hers.

My father isn't a terrible decision maker but he has given me bad career advice since he has never held a professional career himself, especially in my particular field.

You don't just give all the decision making power to someone else just because you like to be dominated.

Its a terrible mistake for a lot of women out there. A lot of women like the man to take the lead, trust his decision making power because she likes the domination.

What makes you think such a person exists where they never make the wrong decisions?

Everyone is going to make the wrong decision at some point in life.

Not having a brain of your own, not being able to think on your own, always wanting someone else to make the decision... is the worst mistake you can ever make in life

[nastyb]

For example,

My fiance doesn't want me to go into law enforcement. Because he doesn't want his future baby to be without a mother. Its a dangerous job. But its something that I WANT for myself. He can try to persuade me that its a bad idea. But thats not what is in MY BEST INTEREST. I want to live a fulfilled life, looking forward to going to work everyday, doing what makes me happy.

Not staying stuck in a miserable career that I hate just so I can be there for my loved ones.

[slatyb]

This often goes very badly for young women. They attract older men of some means who are more interested in possessing them than in helping them grow, then they are alone at 30 with no way to support themselves.

If you can, get professional counseling to talk through these feelings before you commit to an unfortunate marriage. If you have older people that you trust deeply, not necessarily a parent, talk to them.

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice. It's definetely something I should work on. Is it always unhealthy though? Like could a man not have my best interests at heart and help me get some order into the chaos that is my mind 😅 I guess u shouldn't rely on anyone to deal with ur own issues.

[slatyb]

There are men who would help you grow and feel more confident, but you need to choose carefully. If you have a trusted older friend in a good relationship, you might talk to them.

[sawno]

Its not unhealthy, its traditional. I do see it as the job of a man to lead so you don't have to make those choices, but I personally prefer a partner who has her own input so we steer the ship together rather than me deciding every aspect of her life. I prefer it more 50/50 but consider it my own responsibility to choose on anything she doesn't want to make a choice for.

[Asker]

Yeah I definitely think for myself and intellectually understand all paths. But am vulnerable to decision paralysis and overthinking. So when I got that assertive man to help me out, I am more secure in my decision.

[sawno]

To me that sounds normal and healthy as long as you tell him clearly what you do / don't want so he can take you into account properly.

[BonzoInBitburg]

My wife is like that. She was burned out in the corporate world and enjoys not having to make decisions because that was stressing her out. She worries a lot and overthinks everything. She's much happier now than when I first met her while she was still working

[Asker]

That sounds lovely. Glad she has someone like that. Overthinking is quite debilitating

[BonzoInBitburg]

@slatyb is 100% correct. You need to choose wisely and pick a man who can bring out the best in you and not take advantage of you.

[snermcger]

How could it possibly be unhealthy? Yeah, if the guy is like, 70. However, if you're 22 and the man is 30 there is nothing wrong with that. He will probably be moving forward in a career, perhaps some assets.
You will bring fertility and youthful beauty. Make a baby and have a nice little family. Perfect.

[Kingofkings1992]

Yes, you are lacking in wisdom. Everyone in your age group is. You sound like someone who has daddy issues. “when a man can just tell me what's best for me, life is so much easier to manage.” That’s not the dynamic of how a romantic relationship works. I’m not saying this to be a jerk, I’m saying it to be honest and helpful. If you go into a relationship with that type of mentality, it’s only a matter of time until you get taken advantage of. If I were you, I would work on becoming a little more mentally mature before you even think about having a romantic partner. Your partner is supposed to complement you, not take care of you.

[Zionne]

It’s not automatically unhealthy to want a more dominant or guiding partner, what matters is whether the dynamic is consensual and respectful. Power imbalances can feel comforting if they provide structure or calm, but they become unhealthy when one person’s needs or autonomy are ignored. As long as you still have a voice and choice, your preference doesn’t make you broken.

[Joshydavid25]

So basically you want a steadfast man that can be a leader in the relationship? Yeah, nothing unhealthy or wrong about that.. It's normal and most women want something along those lines, but few want to admit it.. Many get into toxic relationships to find what they feel is their own version of it without realizing it..

[Nerdvana]

There's nothing wrong with that. You like being submissive. It's actually very sexy. But just keep in mind. You are still very young. You are going to change as you get older. You will not be the same person in five years or so. You might change your mind as to what attracts you to a man. But again you are young. Give yourself time to figure it out. But I wouldn't mind marrying a woman like you.

[Anonymous]

It certainly reads that way.

It probably depends how you are in the relationship overall. Relationships have their fantasies but they also have their realities. And spending too much time in your head, in the fantasy world you're not really in the relationship. He'd just be a role in your make believe world.

[jJanSmit]

Lots of relationships consists of different characters. They can compliment each other and be critical towards each other. As long as they keep communicating

[Anonymous]

No, it's not unhealthy at all. You know yourself and what you need from a man and a relationship, and that's a good thing. Don't let any feminist tell you otherwise. Just find yourself a good man who is looking for a woman like you. There are plenty of us out there. Just be cautious to make sure he is a good man and won't take advantage of you. Best of luck.

[OneViewpoint]

You win the "Fake Pink Account Of The Day" award.

[Asker]

It's really that strange?

[OneViewpoint]

Yeah, it's really that strange.

[Asker]

I am not a guy. Though I tend to get that often here on Gag. That's probably a bad sign something is wrong with me. What is it that is common for the fake pink accounts? When you do call it out?

Like what about this screams male

[molonski2]

I've always pretty much played the role of assertion that you describe, but this stuff is my passion..

[Anonymous]

just because a man is older, it does not mean he is a better decision maker. That is a dangerous mindset to hold that older must mean better. Good decision making entirely has to do with one's level of intellect, not age.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily. Just make sure not to take any abuse.

[MikeTheBartender]

What are you doing for dinner tonight? I should take you to that new Chinese place that just opened up.

[Shiprex]

Thing is as you get older you'll start to want that power imbalance removed or flipped and then friction between you will be painful

[Unycorn]

If you are 60 and your partner is 70 ... think about later

[glennos89]

It's not weird to be attracted to other guys. A lot of woman prefer a older guy over a guy her own age. Boys just grow up slower then girls do

[beefcakebradybatson]

You're a young lady who'll likely become a confident woman. Give it time, girl.

[Staximus]

If you want to be in a relationship with a dominant person, you better make sure that they are not a piece of shit first if you're going to let them run your life

[Sabretooth]

You want a father. So, I'd say: "yes."

[blackeagle007]

Any person, any age is capable of being either a good or bad choice maker. Up to you who you want in your life but in my pov, age doesn’t explain the person

[Nice222]

I wouldn’t automatically call it unhealthy. It can be unhealthy like any relationship, but it does not have to be.

[zombiewoof]

We all have needs, desires, and things that make us comfortable, this is what you need, nothing wrong with that

[JDLives]

Everybody is different. There’s nothing wrong with that view. If we were all the same the world would be boring.

[Anonymous]

Men can be leading but you have to support him too. And sometimes women lead. But do not try to control him.

[Anonymous]

No, that is really nice actually some women are blinded by their egos

[Anonymous]

Yes, I believe so.

[Sebastian100]

Nothing is wrong with your choice. You are correct