Do we really love people for who they are, or do we love the way they make us feel about ourselves?

Question

Sometimes I wonder if what we call love is actually tied to the validation, comfort, attention, or happiness we receive from someone…if that's true, isn't that a little selfish? Loving someone should be about appreciating them as a person, not just the feelings they create in us…

Maybe real love begins when we value someone beyond what they can do for us…

And then I hear “What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more”

and “love is evol”

Do we really love people for who they are, or do we love the way they make us feel about ourselves?

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My aim on GAG is to untangle messy love questions and make your heart and brain finally get along 😏

You’re onto something deep. Romantic love usually starts selfish: we fall for how they make us feel. Validation, safety, excitement, ego boost, all of it. That’s the “honeymoon + lovebombing + dopamine” phase.

Real love shows up later: when the feelings dip, flaws show, and you still choose them. You care about their growth, not just your comfort. Selfish love asks “How do you make me feel?” Mature love adds “How can I care for you and still respect myself?”

So no, it’s not wrong that it starts with feelings. It’s only a red flag if it never evolves beyond that. And yeah… “love is evol” if you spell it backward and stay stuck in the ego phase 😉

ohsheeT · Answer

This is the power of love but we look and it backwards

True love is your sitting on the couch not doing anything then someone comes in to your life

You talk next thing your doing is dating.

Do things together and you being around each other you love talking hanging out making love

A lot of people if it's done right feel something they might never have felt before

Some people call that feeling love and as time goes on and you have more experiences together a tighter Bond

And people call that love

And then to say one day something happens and you argue and you don't get along and you break up and now you're even more angry is how dare this person do this to you we were in love

And then your heart breaks and then you know it's love because now you mourn the person you go crazy can't eat can't sleep and some people call that love

This is somewhat societies definition or rules about love and being in a relationship

I believe there's a bigger picture

When somebody comes into your life whether it's as a friend or as a partner and you do things together you experience things together

And every time this happens

There is a door inside of us that gets opened and as it opens we get to feel that moment

We can say We did this we did that and I love this person for that But in all reality that person just helped open up a door inside of you To learn something about you

And everything that we experience with this person there is a door that opens within us that teaches us something it teaches us about ourselves and the love that we have towards ourselves

Nobody can make us feel anything Except for ourselves As we are the only person on the inside of us every time one of those stores open there is a bond between ourselves there is a love there is a spiritual feeling of becoming one with self

And until we understand that and what is truly happening

Somebody says you make me feel this way...

Did they really make you. Feel that way. Or. Did the do something with that you liked. And by doing so. What ever that experience was it allowed you to opened up another door with in and that allowed you to feel something new something beautiful something different something exciting

And every time this happens every day this happens we look at it as love that this person doing this this feeling that we get is coming from them it's really not it's coming from yourself because you're the only one that can make you feel love excitement pain hurt

No matter what they do or say You can use that against yourself and say they made me feel this way but in all reality you are the only person that can make you feel anything

And then When there's a breakup And you mourn this person Are you really Sad because you broke up Or are you sad Because you're going to miss This person being around you and opening up these doors to make you feel Or to allow you to feel or give your yourself that feeling within

So when you say I love you because you make me feel this way they basically are just opening in that door up for you

To experience every type of feeling and emotion that's in that door but it's you that is actually giving it to you

And I think when you truly love somebody and you understand this you know that every word that you speak to that person every time you touch that person's hand every time you just look into each other's eyes you're opening a door Within the both of you

And every time that you do this you both are creating something together experiencing it together and I think when that happens that is what love is

Because I would think that it would go opposite too when you do stupid things to that person they slam that door they put a lock on it and the more times you do this to somebody you make them close those doors and put locks on everything that's when things change

So I can thank somebody for doing something for me that really doesn't make me love them I don't like when people do things for me I like to do things myself I like to do things for other people and for me love is everything

It's just like someone saying do you believe in God and you say yes and they say well where is he to me God is everywhere and everything because everything is energy and that's the same thing as love no matter what we do no matter what we say it is love and I think when you can live your life that way there's a greater a deeper understanding of Love real love

No I don't know if I made my point or if you even understand what I was trying to say because it is quite confusing but so is love so is life

So open up every single door that you have inside of you because that's where all the answers are we were all given the answers
To everything in life we either have to open up our own doors or people come into our lives to open them for us to allow us to feel or to allow us to experience and learn about everything

Finchie40 · Answer

It should be both. Otherwise you truly don’t love that person , especially if you only love them for how they make you feel. True love only comes when you love them for them no matter what is happening in their life Someone that truly loves you , will stand by you no matter what is happening in your life as well, because they love you for you , and not only from what they can receive from you. So if you are with someone that only is loving to you when they receive from you , then you should really reconsider that relationship because they are more than likely just using you for their benefit and they just like the convenience of you when you do for them , but do not do the same for you. They are users not lovers. Why I will not stay with a girl that treats me like a convenience , if I am not her priority like I make her mine , I will dump her , I can’t stand users , I want a partner that wants to work with me not against me , that has my back like I have hers’ Nothing is perfect in life , we all go through good times and bad times , so someone that stands by you no matter what , is someone that truly loves you someone that doesn’t stand by your side when your life isn’t going well , is a user that only wants what they can receive from you , like money. My ex turned into a selfish user near the end of our marriage , when she decided she no longer wanted to work anymore and decided that she should be catered to at all times , that she should be with a man that financially supports her 100 percent and accepts her spending habits. I told her good luck finding that and I feel bad for whichever guy falls for you shit because you are a fucking user not a lover period. So now that I am single again , I am seeking a partner not a fucking user that works with me not against me

AviatorTom · Answer

True love is a combination of the two, with a slight emphasis on who they are. Love is an invitation to be yourself.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

It's a combination of both, sharing feelings and emotions and making each other comfortable and happy I won't hurt you miss Elena Sel⭕⭕na 🤣🤣

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

Validation, comfort, attention, happiness... Yep, being loved is definitely selfish to me. But, I'm not just being loved, I'm simultaneously loving her, so this validation, comfort, attention and happiness, I'm bringing them to her.

So, what is love, it's, at least and among other things... Mutual selfishness, I guess?

Bricealan · Answer

I love Diane and Marie, and YOU for what you are, or seem to be. I could LOVE many women on this site for what they present themselves to be. I agree with you, AND LOVE you!😁😁😁😁😁😁😍

ella617281 · Answer

I was dating a boy a year ago and he oucked me flowers, cared for me and was really a nice guy. But i realized i never really loved him, just the attention he gave me, thats why i wtopped dating him. But with my current boyfriend its totally different. Sure, i still love the attention from him and the gifts, but i really like him as a person and i think you just have ro individually find out if you love him and what he makes you feel.

exitseven · Answer

It can be either one. You can love somebody because they are awesome and make you want to be better just by spending rime with them or else you can love them because they make you feel important.

genericname85 · Answer

I would say both the things you said plus the things they provide for us in terms of material stuff and also fullfillment of our emotional and mental or physical needs. It's all these things. Not one of them exclusively.

molonski2 · Answer

I think you are correct , validation , image , output.. Of course in your "'secret life " it will never be as you portray.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Ideally we fall for people who admire us, who "get" us, who make us feel intelligent, beautiful, or interesting.

AngryCarl3 · Answer

Having a partner should make you both feel good. And if they make you feel good, why wouldn't you prioritize them?

Mayorofbobaville · Answer

love starts with how someone makes us feel, but real love grows when we value them for who they are, not just for what they give us. Otherwise, it's easy to confuse love with validation, comfort, or attention. Maybe the difference is whether our care for them remains even when they aren't benefiting us.

KostasKouvalis · Answer

Isn't it both? I mean, if they're the same as you, obviously it's gonna make you feel good about yourself

Still-alive · Answer

I definitely yearn for the former but often feel its the latter the women i have dated ended up being.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

Maybe but two things can be true at the same time. Maybe both.

Spencer10 · Answer

I would say a bit of both...

_Jenny_ · Answer

@elenaseluna maybe it’s love?

MrChinaski · Answer

Love makes me want to be a better person.

Iron_Man · Answer

They like both

AgentG111 · Answer

I'd say both.

Do we really love people for who they are, or do we love the way they make us feel about ourselves?

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

Do we really love people for who they are, or do we love the way they make us feel about ourselves?

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.