My ex broke up with me over a misunderstanding on Christmas. Do I send his Xmas gift I already bought?

[Anonymous]

My ex is a lot older than me but we both are ready to settle down. He lives in another country. We met online. We have spent time together and we fell in love at the end of our holiday. We were desperate to be together again and were making future plans to even move in together. Talked about kids, marriage, the works. He is intelligent, cautious with certain things and secretly insecure but says he trusts me with everything. This means a lot because he is a very serious person when it comes to these things. On Christmas we were having an argument over something he asked me in response to something I brought up; a potential situation that would have been a blessing for us but, trust me, his question would make any decent and classy female livid. He thought it was a legit question, but it wasn't...unless I was a tramp, and I am NO tramp. Not that I think he was implying that I am (because he wouldn't be with me if I was) but the question alone did. To attempt to get him to realize the problem, I said "I could ask my mom or *any* female what she think if someone asked her that and I know she would agree that question is out of line." Well, what I later gathered is that he took that as I was going to tell my mother our business. So he said it was over, we are too different and he closed the webcam call, deleted me from all of the sites we were friends on (including the game site we met on!). I sent him an email telling him that I thought he trusted me and things of that nature, so he wrote back telling me a lot, and added that although he still cares about me and won't speak bad about me or anything like that, we just aren't meant to be together and would appreciate it if I didn't contact him.

Well, I wrote back saying again that I trusted him 100% and I thought he felt that way too and that I can't believe he left me on Christmas and not to worry, I will no longer make any contact. It didn't occur to me right away that he must've thought I was going to humiliate him by actually asking my mother her opinion until after I sent my last message and sat back and really analyzed what could've been done to prevent all that.

Now, I know with all of my being that he is truly madly in love with me and that he is using this time to just get on with life without me, but even though he "wants no contact", do you all think that he will one day make contact with me? I was told by a friend that if I want him back then I will have to leave him alone, and that makes sense. But I bought him a nice gift for Christmas before we broke up, so do I still send it even under these circumstances? Should I just move on(not with someone else right away, but more so mentally)? Is he ever worth pursuing after this? And if I should send the gift (he sent me a very very nice one), should I add a letter I wrote explaining the misunderstanding? It didn't beg him back or anything. Anything else you all would like to add, I would love to be enlightened. Thank you so much!

[UptownGirl]

Honestly sweetie, I just got out of a relationship just over the holidays as well. We were together for a year, he was military so he was away for a few months out of the year. We were handling it - or at least I was - in an adult way, we NEVER fought and he was constantly telling me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he wanted to have babies with me etc. He even told me when he was away once that he was going to propose to me when he came back home.

Needless to say, he never proposed. We got into our first argument about what would happen if he was posted to the other side of the country and he basically stopped caring. Found out he was leaving and broke it off with me in the most disrespectful of ways.

Eventually you have to think that if this "misunderstanding" which was something that you felt was inappropriate was enough to make him leave you, then how would it be in the future? What would happen if you two had gotten married and had a kid and he was just so willing to walk away when things got tough or rocky? Do you really want to trust someone who can't trust you? You need someone who is willing to be there for you through thick and thin; miscommunications are bound to happen in a relationship and you need to find someone who wants to get through that with you. I know how it feels, I trusted my ex with my life and more.

As for the the present, return it - he doesn't deserve it. Spend the money that you get back on something that will make you feel good i.e: get a manicure, a pedicure, a haircut, a new piece of jewelery or clothing.

[Asker]

First, I'm really sorry to hear what your guy did to you. That is unforgivable. Secondly, you really mentioned things I question myself 20 times a day since then. :(

[starksc]

Take the gift back. It seems like he was playing you and didn't care as much otherwise he wouldn't have acted so childlike. If he is ignoring you this much, what makes you think he will even accept the mail? You'll waste your money.

He obviously doesn't trust you because he was asking you about being a tramp behind his back and then go telling other people. One fight with him and he already acts like this? Can you imagine a lifetime of fights? My boyfriend and I fight maybe once or twice a week depending on the subject and we are madly in love with each other. We give each other time to cool down which depends on the severity of the situation...no more than 24 hours. This way we don't do or say something we'll regret...like he did. I wouldn't break up with someone from a fight unless it was like completely relevant and terrible.

[hakuna_matata]

well..it seems as if he just took off...without any valid reason for a breakup. "i am breaking up with you because you will tell your mother the question I asked u" ..this is the lamest break up reason I have ever heard. don't gove him the gift. it sounds as if he was looking for an excuse

[CuriousEddie]

No guy who really truly lives you would react that way. The argument was silly, and that happens, but the no contact thing shows that he wasn't capable of mature respectful feelings for you.

I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's true.

I'm sorry. I hope you're doing okay with this.

[martyfellow]

You have a deep seated cultural gap that isn't going to be overcome with gifts and sweet words.

If I were you, I'd make plans to move on...in all honesty. This isn't some simple misunderstanding.

[Asker]

Hm, seems like maybe that's what was on his mind. You're right..

[martyfellow]

Thanks for best answer! Sorry this didn't work out for you.

[Anonymous]

I think if he was willing to kill the relationship during one fight, he wasn't particularly mature. Certainly not mature enough to settle down or anything.

If you wanted him back, I would say contact him just once. Use the post above as a guide for how to explain your side of things. And see what happens. But don't be surprised if mister maturity doesn't even answer.

[Asker]

We have had fights before, but with this situation, yes it was one fight and is certainly ridiculous. I'm just not sure if I should just see if he contacts me. I have a feeling since in the past, I have always contacted him, he thinks I will this time as well. Oh, and he is 15 and a half years older than me by the way...

[Opinion Owner]

You don't measure maturity in years. Trust me on this.

[squeakyclean]

agreed with the part that age isn't an indicator of maturity.

[Asker]

Ha! Clearly! I learned my lesson.

[cookiemonster12]

Nope, I would return it.

[Asker]

Unfortunately, I threw away the receipt... Perhaps I'll save it for my next potential boyfriend, maybe.

[AustinMan]

Return it. Some stores will take it back without a receipt, esp if you paid with a debit or credit card so they can trace the transaction.