Girlfriend Wants Break and Says She Needs Space and to Work On Herself?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend kept telling me she wants a break because she needs some space and needs to work on herself. She has a wild temper. Anyways, I asked her to define what a break means like can we date other people. She said, crying, I can date other people and she could date other people. She cried because she didn't know if she wanted to be with me but that she loved me. But she wants us to talk and hang out still. Will we get back together? What course of action should I do to win her back?

[thetheme]

Break = break up. Let me ask you this. Is she taking a break from her friends and family? Vacation from school or work? Putting life on hold? If you are the only one/situation that she is pushing aside then guess what? She doesn't want YOU in the picture as far as a relationship. She wants to go out and be with other guys without feeling a sense of "guilt". She wants to have fun with other people (guys) with no limitations. Her saying she needs "space" to work on herself or a "break" means you are a distraction while everything else isn't. How does that work?

She still wants to talk and hang out because she wants to control the situation and for you to help her "swim to shore" when she should be swimming by herself or drowning in her feelings. Most of the time when girls use these lines they don't contact you because they got off easy (it's what they do), and if they do it's to boost their emotional connection with you to make herself "whole", nothing more. You are a part of her life "puzzle" instead of being that guy that she is combined with. Puzzle = family, friends, work and/or school, finances, entertainment, fun, needs, wants, happiness, likes, loves.

If you are in the picture filling most of those categories "properly" then she wouldn't leave the relationship, period. Your happiness together, entertainment, fun, needs, wants, likes and loves would benefit relationship wise so much that she wouldn't even think of leaving it. When a girl is when a guy, she stays because there is a "equal trade of value" somewhere. Sure a relationship can have some space or time away, but that's not giving up the foundation of a relationship, and that's what she did.

There is nothing you can do here. Don't chase her, don't hang out with her, stop talking to her. By giving her the time that she wants it puts her on a pedestal, makes her whole, and she gets all her needs met WITHOUT being in a relationship with you. Make her work on herself without you in the picture at all. Start dating other girls. I didn't say find a girlfriend, just go on dates. You shouldn't wait in limbo to see what category she is going to put you in when she KNOWS what you want with her.

Move on. Being "friends" is NEVER the way to get someone back. The friendship ended when you got together. If you see her with another guy (and soon you probably will), don't say anything to her (or him) and just keep going. This is the type of thing that girls do so they won't feel "guilty" leaving you. Stay busy and have fun. You should never put your life on hold and wait for anyone. She burned that bridge, so why should you repair it and chase her while she's long gone? When a girl does this, 95% of the time she has moved on days/weeks before she told you. Trying to convince her won't do any good since the time you had with her before didn't do so. Move on.

[Asker]

Should I start going out with girls? What about having sex with them? Cut all communication with her or just communicate that I'm busy and living the large life?

[thetheme]

Go out with girls, have sex if you desire it or just date around. Cut all communication. Just be busy and you don't have to tell her anything. You have no obligation to her what so ever to tell her anything because you are no longer with her.

[dx021]

so she cares about you but doesn't feel anything for you anymore

congratulations, you just discovered that doting sycophantic romantic love kills the p****-tingles of the fairer sex

should prob come over to the dark side before its to late. just go bang other bitches and live your life, because u've already lost her and she's probably already cheating on you (her saying she needs time apart is her guilty mind wanting space to figure it out)

[shimmer580]

I have been there myself as the one asking for a break and most recently the one being told that we were taking a break. You have to give her space. It's important to set up a length of time for the break where you will reunite and discuss what's next in your relationship. Otherwise, you will just be in limbo wondering where you stand. Also rules, which it sounds like you already did. If she says to see other people, you can. It might help you both to see if the grass really is greener on the other side. To be honest though, when I have asked to take a break, I usually am questioning if I want to be in the relationship anymore.

How you win her back- give her the space you agreed on (that's why an end date is so important) also, a break where you are still talking and hanging out doesn't sound like a break. More like a break up but keeping you close enough in case she changes her mind. You need to work on fixing the issues that brought you to this point. I'm sure if you think hard enough, you will be able to think of things that made you fight before. If not, then you will have to ask her yourself when you guys talk about the relationship because if you don't and get back together, you will end up with the same issues and break up for good...

Hope my insight helped a little :)

[Asker]

Thanks your opinion certainly helps. So should I take her calls, texts or e-mails? I don't do either of that... but when she does I usually respond. Other people were suggesting be there for her and the guys are going live life large (i.e. make her jealous). Any of that apply you think?

[shimmer580]

Men and women think differently.. Always remember that. The girls opinion in here are going to be closer to that of your girls... We are saying our opinions based on what we mean by the same kind of actions. Well if you stop responding cold turkey, she will probably think you don't care and then she will either come to her senses or not care and stop trying to contact you. You have to work on the relationship as a couple. You are both either 100% in or 100% out. It's not fair to you otherwise

[shimmer580]

In case I didn't answer your question clearly, IMO if you continue to let her do the same thing, you will get the same result. You have to make her understand that she can't have her cake and eat it too. Let her go and don't respond and then you will know for sure. She may need time but if she truly wants to be with you, the reality of losing you will open her eyes significantly

[Asker]

I see your point. Well, should I return her keys to her? Apparently I got some mail delivered to her house. How should I pick that up?

[shimmer580]

You set up a final talk time and get your stuff and give her hers and tell her that she needs to be with you and work on things together or not together at all and start the no contact.

[CestLolaVie]

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Give her her space and you do your own things in the meanwhile, you might meet someone you were happier with or better off with. She's not committed to you or your relationship with her, she seems lost and confused. She wouldn't be in that state if she sincerely wanted to peruse a healthy relationship with you. If she's okay with you going off and dating other people I'd say you do just that. Give yourself a break, she's doing you a favor and you should take it. She knows she can't make you happy as she isn't happy herself and is therefore choosing to take different paths and figuring things out for a while and I think that's the healthiest choice she's made. I'd say give her her time and if its meant to be it will happen and you'll eventually be back together when she's better. Don't wait on it at all just go out, meet other girls and see where things go for you. Don't hold on to her and let her go be. She had the courage to honestly tell you what she wanted and you should respect her wishes. Its for the best and it will truly show if you're happier together than apart or if you'd both be better off with other people. I think its a very healthy decision rather than her throwing tantrums at you and continue an unhappy relationship.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. Should I take her calls? Should we hang out? She asked if we could hang out and talk and be friends. I'm more inclined to say no. Overall should I be more 'busy' than normal to be with her?

[CestLolaVie]

Depends on weather that would be good for you. Will you be comfortable meeting her? I personally would focus on more important things in life because you're no longer committed to her and don't have to meet her if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

[Asker]

I think I'd be fine with it. I'm not in pieces about this whole thing. She asked me to dinner a few days ago but I declined because I was with people out of town. I suggested last night but she got back to me a few days later saying she was going to her parents house. I mean, do I just toss a 3 year relationship out the window?

[CestLolaVie]

No if you're up for being friends with her and it won't get in the way of you moving on with your life then sure go for it. It wouldn't be healthy if it would hinder relationships with other girls.

[Asker]

Well, I don't want to be friends but I think complete abandonment is another thing.

[CestLolaVie]

Find a compromise, see what feels better for you and do it. I never said abandon her at all just don't make her a priority.

[Asker]

Ok... just stop making her a priority? Like meeting up and stuff right? But take her calls and all? I don't call her at all, and I don't send her texts first and I don't send e-mails first. But I do respond - sometimes right away and sometimes a few hours later.

[CestLolaVie]

Yeah sure answer her, why not?

[Asker]

I don't know, I'm going on with my life? Past girlfriends I've just ignored. No idea what they're doing.

[BirdofParadise]

Unfortunately this comes off to me as more of a break up then a break since she said you can date other people and isn't sure if she wants to be with you. However, she clearly still wants you in her life so it may be possible to salvage the relationship. First off, she asked for space so give it to her. To me, space means not seeing the person and not having any communication with them at all so do that. By giving her what she asked for he will see that you respect her but by suddenly not knowing anything from you, all the space will start to make her feel uncomfortable and she will probably start calling/messaging you. If she calls you, tell her that you are respecting her need for space, and would like some in return so you can focus on yourself.

Aim to go at least a month without contacting her, and if she contacts you after you tell her you wanted space as well do your best to ignore it. Then after a month has gone by get back in touch. If she is eager to hear from you then you can discuss working things out... but if she doesn't seem bothered by not having contact with you then it might be time to move on.

[-Darling]

What do you mean she has a wild temper?

It sound to me like she was crying while saying that yes you can date other people, because she thought that's what you wanted to hear?There's not much you can do here I think, since it seems like she doesn't know what she wants. I guess you should do what she told you to, that you should stick around, but don't date other people, if she asks why tell her your still not over her, and shell take that as you still do want her back and its an invitation for her to consider getting back to with you if she wants, eventually. Too little info on this question, I have a hard time giving you any advice since I don't know anything else about you two, like for example how long you've been with her etc etc

[Asker]

We were together for 2.5 years and lived together. We have similar personalities and compatible. Like we were planning to be together for the long term but she started saying how she doesn't respect me, she needs to see me independent, etc. I told her I can't stand her anger problems and need to get away from that. Like she gets upset that I drive too slow, or don't fix the toilet paper holder just right. Yeah she doesn't know what she wants. I told her I want to be with her (while we broke up).

[-Darling]

Same advice; Stick aroundl.

[Asker]

Ok. So should I be less available? Take her calls? Should I call her? Should I always be there for her? Or do my own thing and when she calls be there?

[-Darling]

Why wouldn't you take her calls? It would be very disrespectful of you not to. But yeh do your own thing and when she calls be there for her, unless she's the type to want you to "be there" every single day, thatd be a little too much, your 25 + I'm sure you know where the fine line goes

[Asker]

Not to be too available? We're not together anymore but she wants me around. She doesn't call every day but I feel removed. If she doesn't know if she wants to be with me should I "be there" every time? For example, she asked me out to dinner a few days ago and I was busy. I said I'm free Friday. She said she needs to see if it will work (she's going down to her parents). I feel like that's putting me as an option. I do want to be there for her but not when its convenient for her, you know?

[desidoll]

Asking for a break doesn't mean the end of a relationship.There are differences between break and break up.There are certain times that I don't feel like talking to my boyfriend and I want some space and time for myself.When she said both of you can date other people,that's the part that I don't understand.She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and not really sure if you are the right guy for her.Since she said she still wants to hang out with you,i guess you can take this chance to be closer with her.Try to convince her how important she is in your life but after all,she is the one who gonna make the decision.

[Asker]

Thanks. She kept saying break but I pressured her to define what she meant by break? Like should we not date other people or can we date other people? She said we could (she was almost balling this whole time). No she said she doesn't know what she wants. She said she wouldn't be able to date other people for a long time but I could. She would hate to see me but that I'm free to. So should I call her or wait for her to call me?

[desidoll]

She said she wants some space,so you need to give her some time.Maybe like few weeks? After that try to talk to her and see her response.

[Asker]

Should I just let her go for a few weeks? Or should I try to contact her? Should I wait longer?

[desidoll]

Give her some time and wait.

[Asker]

Okay. Let her respond first? Then when should I let her know she's important in my life?

[Asker]

She wants to go out to dinner... should we go? Or should I be busy? or should I not respond?

[desidoll]

She invited you? Go and use the chance to get close with her :)

[Asker]

Yeah but I was busy that night. I said tomorrow night and she said she has to check her calendar.

[desidoll]

She will inform you when she is free so just wait.

[38rakia38]

It depends.

I mean, hell I have a wild temper and I lack many things--but I asked for a break once, realistically 6 months where he did his thing and I did mine and if in 6 months when we hung out--we jumped on each other like we always did--then we had to talk about everything.

Truthfully man, do you love her for everything she is and isn't? Try this "break" out, and if in 3 months you still have her as your desktop background and you think of her all the time and you want her back. Just say, "You know what, f*** this, I want you back."

Give her the space to work out her issues, you don't have to date anyone if you don't want to. And if she does, don't hold it against her. My ex did...

All I was doing was taking his advice, "You should find someone better than me".

[martyfellow]

She just wants her freedom. I doubt she'll be back other than as your friend. Accept this, there's no force on earth that can change her mind. Try being a friend, it's the only way, but I wouldn't bet you'll ever be anything else.

[Asker]

Hell, I never took her freedom. I let her go out with her friends. If anything I didn't call her enough and all that.

[Anonymous]

Don't go out with anyone else if you want her back. Keep talking to her and don't just let her go completely.

[Asker]

Why is she pushing me away?

[Asker]

Can you give me some more thoughts on this?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm really not the best person to be asking about this. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Asker]

I thought you said don't go out with anyone else if I want her back and to keep talking to her? I mean... why if she wants to go?

[Anonymous]

breaks=end of relationship.

just my views on that kinda BS.

[Asker]

Yeah, I kinda took it as that...

[Opinion Owner]

let me break it down:

she needs some space and needs to work on herself. (I need some space from you)

she could date other people. (I want to date other guys)

she didn't know if she wanted to be with me (she doesn't want to be with you)

wants us to talk and hang out still. (lets be friends!)

my suggestion: a break = end the relationship. tell her it's over. find someone who wants to be with you. don't let her keep you on the back burner.

[Asker]

She tells me she won't date anyone for a while. She balled during the whole thing. She really didn't want to lose me or see me with another girl.

[Opinion Owner]

she still want a "break"?

she is stringing you a long. if she didn't want to lose you she wouldn't be askin for a break.

[Asker]

she has emotional problems, gets angry easily takes it out on me. She told me she needs to see a psychologist and didn't want me to go through that...

[Opinion Owner]

well. honestly. I think problems like this should be worked on as a couple. your suppose to be able to count on your sig. other to aid you in the process.