How to deal with a confused and confusing guy?

[Anonymous]

I've known this guy a few years and we've always both been interested in each other but are both really quite shy in the relationships department. So, it took two years to get to us both expressing interest in each other and since then we've seen each other on and off and neither of us is seeing anyone else. Then a few months ago he went totally weird on me about commitment - although I had never suggested it. So, we didn't speak for a few weeks because I said I needed to get over him if it was never going to really go somewhere. I didn't do a very good job of getting over him and then last weekend we ended up in the same bar. So, before I knew it we were both at his flat having this really intense chat about how he feels like he's crap at relationships, he's afraid he'll get hurt, I am too good for him, but he can't stay away because he cares so much. Now, he never normally talks about emotions and has a ver strict religious background (which I am not a part of) so, as a result, has never had a girlfriend and he is 31. I stayed at the flat (no sex - just lots of hugs and closeness) and we had a wee kiss and cuddle in the morning. Now he is being totally weird about all the commitment stuff again and is sure I'd dump him in the end. Any suggestions about how to handle this guy most welcome. I love him so walking away is not an option for now. Although I will say I am currently standing back for a few days and not contacting him to try to allow him to sort his head back out again. I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. Help!

[Amazo]

Do you think you're confused on these matters and your feelings?

He wants assurance and to be honest to be in relationship with you at the moment may not be ideal. You should support him on his emotions by firstly helping him direct it to where it matters most, you. Then tell him how you feel. He should be able to communicate if he is either receptive or rejective of the emotions surrounding the two of you. But this will only happen if you can both be honest with each other.

[Asker]

I am not at all confused about my feelings for him but I am confused about how to help without freaking him out even more. He usually ends up following a bit of an ostrich theory and sticking his head in the sand. Not good. I just want to tell him that I care and he needs to just chill out and see how it goes but he is such an all or nothing guy I don't know if he'd be able to do that. Honestly, all help is totally welcome.

[Amazo]

I am not yet convinced you aren't confused with your feelings. You have admitted to breaking up with him before (because of his emotional outburst) and now are having trouble dealing with it again. Or rather, you are having trouble confronting it. Either way your feelings towards him aren't exactly saying "I am sure this is what I want" because you want to dismiss the aspects that lead towards his concerns. Or am I not making any sense? Or do you disagree?

[Asker]

No, I totally see what you mean. So maybe he's getting mixed messages from me too? I guess I'm just afraid in case I end up getting really really hurt here. I'm scared he maybe doesn't care as much as he says he does and I don't want him to feel like him 'nagging' him into anything. But I would go to the end of the earth for him.

[Amazo]

I am glad to hear you have reasoned that it may be possible you are scared of being hurt. This also accounts for your feelings and should be treated critically. Now I guess in a way this has been holding you back, and I also assume you are yet to tell him. Although this is a more general and understandable reason, it is a very personal matter when being wary of heart-break.

[Amazo]

(continued)

You may want to consider being very open to your feelings first and then telling him about these very same feelings. Along with you going "end to the Earth for him" you also need to express your concern for your fear of heart break.

[Asker]

I've kind of said I like him in a round about way but that it's not a big deal, let's see what happens, etc because I am scared in case I say that I really really like him, care about him, etc and end up scaring away. he's such a closed book and I don't want to totally overwhelm him. It feels like walking a tightrope.

[Amazo]

From my own point of you, this essentially is going to be the base of his worries. I said earlier he needs assurance, you claim your "round about way" of telling him you like him is not a big deal but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was. I can't believe you are describing him as a "closed book" when he has been trying to express quite a lot of his concerns. I am starting to think both of you are making the whole process unnecessarily difficult for one another!

[Asker]

I think you are probably dead right on that count. I'm scared, he's scared, I don't want to look like an idiot, I don't want to come over as some crazy woman trying to beg him into something but I love the guy and I just can't get my head round how to make this easier for us both.i say it's not a big deal so as not to scare him but actually the whole thing is a big deal to me. Aaaaagh. :-((

[Amazo]

It it a shame you let yourself into such an awkward relationship. I can't really tell you what to do or how to feel about all of this but to me, this can be fixed easily with just some honesty. But unfortunately I'll advise you to take the lead, something you don't feel comfortable doing, but this may be the only option that will allow you both to finally stop avoiding expressing your feelings to one another!

[Amazo]

(continued)

It may not be easy at all and you may want to still reconsider how you feel. But if you manage to get over this hurdle now it would be so beneficial for you both in a variety of ways including your relationship. I suggest you bring his attention towards whst he said the past something like "I've been seriously thinking about what you said that daywe were in your flat". Let him know you want to be in a relationship and you would be hurt if he didn't at least consider your feelings.

[Asker]

Thanks, I guess you're probably right. I think part of my problem is being a bit hung up on 'rules' and what you're 'meant' to do and the theory that guys don't like women taking the lead, etc. if I'm honest I've done a lot of the leading so far. I just need to get a better handle on my own fears I guess. Every inch of me hopes it works out for us.

[Amazo]

Your desire to see this through is truly admirable. But you have been reluctant to place trust alongside with emotions. This is what you have now realized and this is what your lead must represent. And also it makes no sense to me at all that a woman cannot pursue the "love of their lfe" because that is what men do. I think it's the responsibility of both sexes to do it. And I don't mean playing games to show you are interested but I mean to flat out saying to the person!

[Asker]

Ok, well I guess I just need to give it a go and be a bit brave! I genuinely think he's never had a girlfriend because he's so shy and most women would give up. But I can't. So fingers crossed we get therein the end! Thanks.x

[Anonymous]

Simply spend more time with him.

Contact him.

[Asker]

Ok, I haven't been doing that in case he thought I was nagging him but I guess it could look like I don't care when I really really do.