My boyfriend has been talking to girls online and escort. Is this normal?

[Confused26]

i have been with my boyfriend for 8 Yrs. we were engaged and everything ready to move in this coming December. He's been the most caring boyfriend with me. Very respectful, gentleman, sweet, always listened to me, in general...I thought he was the PERFECT man. Well, little did I know he had a secret life. He had a yahoo account I wasn't aware of where since 2007 he was talking to escorts about where they could meet and all. He singed up to about 10 sites, some were dating and some where like porn and sex searches. Of course I went crazy and confronted him. He claims he NEVER met anyone from online. This is hard to believe because we met online. He had emails where he will tell the girls we should get to know each other and see what happens. Mind you, he was using a different name from his. He has been trying to proove to me he never met anyone by sending them emails asking them to verify if they ever met and letting me see their response. However, I don't think it guarantees anything. I do know on a site he created 6 months ago there was a questions where it asked if you ever had a one night stand and he said no. Now he is saying he is going to stop all this and that he really loves me and he needs me and that was all curiosity. I was shocked he even had a pic of his private part and I saw he will get comments from girls and he will be like I'm std free... too much. Anyways, my concern is. Should I believe this is ok? Will men really just go online and do all this but never get to do anything? he is VERY shy and QUIET, so I NEVER suspected this from him. He is always with me on the weekends and sometimes even weekdays. He was sending all this through his phone. I am lost for I have been with him 8 Years and he was saving a lot of money for us and all. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Tough call. You can keep him on a short leash for a while and see if he was giving in to curiosity weakness. He may have never done anything physical, but cheating is almost always mental long before it becomes physical. The internet has created a lot of temptations that didn't exist 15 years ago or so that pique the curiosities of a lot of people. Probably more often than not it leads to nothing, but it is never good, and it does cause real changes in behavior and stresses in relationships even when it is not known by the other partner. I know, this happened in my relationship. My guy is great, but for a while he was being kind of shifty and he was kind of distant, if you know what I mean. It turned out he was getting into online porn, chatroom stuff, and I think he also signed up for some of those sites, but never actually did anything because they seemed too much like actually crossing the line. At least that is what he told me, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and thus far he has not disappointed me. I think he has changed, because since then our relationship has improved quite a bit, but occasionally I wonder if he has had a little relapse. It is serious, and I say proceed with caution. It may be premature to end things for good, but be on guard.

[Shlei3]

Regardless of if he met this women or not it's still disrespectful to you. If this is something you don't think you can work through than I would not move in with him. After 8 years, that sort of thing should not be happening. Not only that but he lied to you by omission. That is one of the most annoying ways to lie in my opinion because now you will be asking yourself what else he has lied to you about. Can you see yourself trusting him again?

[authentic]

"...respectful, gentleman, sweet, always listened to me, in general...I thought he was the PERFECT man."

1. I would be careful with someone who wears a facade as "perfect" as this. When someone says s/he comes from a perfect family, an experienced listener knows that what the person is saying, is "I come from a dysfunctional family".

This is only one of the things you discover. With things like these, what is spotted is often the tip of the iceburg. Where is the rest of the iceburg ?

2. Did you ask him why he did those things ? What did he say ?

[Confused26]

He said it was all fantasies and curiousity. But never had an intention to really hook up.

[authentic]

Fantasies come true if you allow it. Airplanes, light bulbs, presidencies, ..... started off as fantasies. Of all fantasies, why did he fantasizes those things ?

[Confused26]

I asked him yesterday and he said he also felt insecure. he said he felt the need of seeing what other girls though about his physical appearance. This is all too much for me. He keeps saying he loves me and will NEVER do it again.

[authentic]

IF he is in love with you, all he needs to care about is what YOU think about his appearances, if at all. Insecurity is a big issue. His fantasies are only symptoms, or manifestations of this issue. Stub this fantasies and the insecurity will manifest in another arena, which can be worse. Ask him how he intend to heal himself of this insecurity. He knows the cure, deep inside. He has to chop at the root. He has to love himself, unconditionally. Big task for him to do.

[authentic]

He also committed a common error that many made; he looked at himself through other people's eyes. If anyone does that, his/her happiness vaporizes easily, because s/he has just handed over his/her "happiness console" into the hands of other people. I recommend him changed this habit; this should help him to become more secure.

[Confused26]

Yes. This is a very common thing for him. I have noticed he is always too focused on what others think of him, what others say. I guess I never took the time to analyze how serious it is. Even right now he's told me he is going to prove to me how much he couls change, but that at the end if I ever give him a chance he doesn't know how he's going to deal with the fact that some people found out about his past. So he is all focused on his IMAGE. Saying his Image is ruined.

[authentic]

"....Even right now he's told me he is going to prove to me how much he couls change,..."

He still looks at himself through the eyes of others (and you). All human beings have a survival instinct, please tell him the consequences of such a mental habit; his own happiness vaporizes easily. It will take time for him to change, but he needs to realiaze how harmful (to himself, and indirectly, others including you) this mode of thinking is. Long journey to eradicate this ingrained habit. Possible!

[sachin007]

So in these 8 years you didn't understood the guy well.

Shy and quiet personality always possess a naughty part in their mind.

Their desires and goals are already fulfilled in mind.

Its hard to understand such guys.

I think you must let it be OK since he never let you down in your mind.

If you have strong love towards him he will leave all these craps and will start a new world with you.

Thnx

[Confused26]

Yeah, however I forgot to mention this past February I caught him going to meet my cousin's friend. He had agreed to go out clubbing the next day and see what happens. I know that week was Valentine's day and our aniversary and we fought really ugly both days. So By then he claimed he felt really lost and it's why he fell for it. I was posing as her and I know I really pushed him to it so It's why I decided to let it slide. But it's not I discovered the rest.