How do I make my mother abide by my brother's funeral wishes?

[Anonymous]

Ok so here's the situation. My older brother died from illness on Tuesday. We are in a family disagreement over his final wishes. He never wrote them down or anything like that. My mother wants to have a full Catholic funeral with the rosary, mass and a burial. We were all raised Catholic but my brothers sister and I didn't stay very devout once we became adults. We only attended Mass once in a while usually during Holy Week. Problem is my brother told us if he died he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered at his favorite fishing spot. He doesn't have a wife or kids, was never married. The girlfriend he was living with for almost a year also says he told her the same thing about being cremated and scattering his ashes at his fishing spot. My mother wants to please everyone but in this case is not going to hear anything other than traditional Catholic funeral. So we're trying to figure out how to get her to change her mind. Funeral home is waiting for us to come to a decision. We think its only right to honor my brother's final wishes. Any suggestions?

[SaoirseS]

Come to a compromise with her. Clearly the Catholic rites are important to her, and since funerals and grief are for the living, you can certainly accommodate that. Have him cremated per his wishes and honor her wishes for Catholic rites (Pray the Rosary, Mass of Christian Burial, and inurnment). His remains can be present prior to cremation if she wishes (some priests insist on it). The only thing that can't be accommodated from his wishes is scattering cremains after cremation (per church conditions on handling of cremains). That seems like a pretty small trade-off that should keep everyone happy.

Keep in mind no parent should ever have to bury a child, regardless of age. His death is probably harder on her than anyone else.

Just so you're aware, state laws often prescribe a pecking order as to who trumps whom when it comes to who is authorized to make funeral arrangements and determine disposition of remains. In the two state area I service, surviving parent trumps surviving siblings and the girlfriend has no stake in it. Rather than rely on the brute force of law to settle disputes like this, I'd rather give the families time to sort it out. They usually do. You might want to consider getting the priest's input as well.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm confident you'll come to an amicable arrangement.

[Wise4myage]

I say go with your mothers idea. It will make her happy,

[Keishio]

They're his wishes. If there's anytime to step aside for someone and put your own feelings aside it's during this time