Christians dating a non-believer (or who have before), how do you/have you made it work?

[earearear]

What has helped keep a healthy relationship between your two differing religious views and lifestyles? If you couldn’t make it work, why didn’t it work out?

For context, I fell for a guy who is very sweet and pleasant to be around. He treats me really well and makes me feel worthy and loved. He likes me as much as I like him, and has once even insinuated to loving me. We are taking things slow in terms of labels (because we work together and don’t want to do the whole paperwork thing, and also because we want my parents to approve of him), so we’re not official yet, but I intend on becoming official, and he’s told me he does as well.

He knows I’m a Christian, and he knows I’m very serious about my faith. We’re still young and in our formative years (I’m 20 and he’s 22) so we’re learning a lot about ourselves, and I think it’s possible that he may become interested in Christianity from seeing how I walk in faith, but I don’t have that definitive expectation and I respect him regardless. He’s heard me talk about my faith and he always listens and never shames me. My parents say it won’t work unless he becomes a Christian, and so do a few other Christian friends, but I also have a Christian mentor and other Christian friends who believe it’s worth a try and possible to make it work.

I personally think it could work, but what do you guys think? What boundaries, beliefs, and behaviors do you think are necessary to make this type of relationship work in the long term? I date to marry, so that’s my end goal.

[Subglacial]

I'm not a Christian and have never been in this position, so my opinion might be totally worthless to you.

With that out of the way... From what I've read about people's experiences, tension in these relationships usually comes from the Christian. It's not that Christians are necessarily more combative, but both parties have different stakes and different ideas about what it means to respect another's beliefs.

If you're the atheist, you love and respect your partner. Their views seem misguided and silly, but you want them to feel confident and secure, so you don't push it.

If you're the Christian, you love and respect your partner. Their views seem misguided and silly, but you want them to feel confident and secure... so you try to convert them.

Christians in these scenarios undoubtedly have good intentions. Far from not respecting their partner, they want to save them because they respect them. But it shouldn't be hard to see how this could cause tension, or even seem like a betrayal of trust to the atheist, when both partners have agreed beforehand not to interfere with each other's faith.

That said, maybe you're a more progressive Christian who sees God's love as truly unconditional and salvation as a gift to all of humanity, not just believers, eliminating the need to convert your partner. Or maybe you see his salvation as being in God's hands, not yours, and that the best thing you can do is treat him well and love him for the person he is in this life. Whatever the case, the point I want to emphasize, as gently as possible, is that much of the onus is on you. It takes both of you to make the relationship work, but you will likely feel more pressure to change his beliefs than he does yours, so you will naturally share a larger portion of responsibility.

I don't want to discourage you from trying. It can work, and, indeed, it has for many couples. It depends a lot on the individuals, and I don't think there is a magic formula other than genuinely respecting the other person's beliefs and not secretly hoping that they'll eventually come around to your side. (I know it's very tempting, and sometimes it does happen, but you must must MUST keep your expectations in check.)

[Staximus]

If the guy is a good guy then religion shouldn't matter. If he respects your beliefs, doesn't judge you on them, and doesn't ask or expect you to change, then you should pay him the same respect and treat him how he treats you by just accepting him as he is. Your friends and family members are not the one marrying him, you are.

[earearear]

This is what I believe as well. The people in my life saying we can’t be compatible for the long term unless he changes don’t take into account that he’s not asking me to change either. It would be a complex and multifaceted relationship, as is nearly every relationship, because of our somewhat different lifestyles, but I don’t think by any means impossible. We don’t live vastly differently. Neither of us smoke or party, I’ll have a drink with friends once in a while, he doesn’t drink, we work together and have our own interests that we pour time into. Our difference is just that I love and rely on God, and he doesn’t know God. He’s never been to church, but he’s willing to go with me and I think that’s really sweet to participate in something he doesn’t know/understand.

[collie22]

If I was in your position I would pray on this and ask God to give me guidance. Then I would go with my feelings. 😊

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to date some godless atheist? You really should have talked about this with them on the first or second date.

[earearear]

We discussed this before we even started talking.

[Lara_Croft]

Didn't work, unbiblical 2 Corinthians 6 vs 14