Search Results: felt guilt

To begin with, I have lost track of how many cousins I have in total. I was in touch with my maternal cousins until when I was a 5 year old boy. But that’s a question for some other time. Soon, my family shifted to another state for better living. And I got completely disconnected from all of them. Life continued until one of my female cousins whom I knew as a kid, and her mother came to stay with us for a tour of the city. All I knew about her is her name and that her father left their family and ran away, leaving her mother alone with three kids. Now, she is a 26 year old attractive female. She was quite friendly from the beginning and we went to several places to visit. In one of our conversations, she told me that she didn’t have a boyfriend ever. Which was almost impossible for me to believe. During all of the trips, she held my hands wherever we went and always stayed together except when we were asleep. She would tell me that I look more handsome in-person than in my photos. And I told her that she is indeed very beautiful.

As for myself, I am a 22 year old male and never had a girlfriend nor had anything physical my entire life. That could be because of my upbringing, as my parents are one of the strictest I’ve ever seen and I am not kidding. For instance, I had very limited access to a smartphone, television or even a computer with access to internet till I was 18.

For some reason, I felt that she was everything I have been looking for in a partner. And I did have the guilt. Even when we were sitting in-front of our parents, she kept touching my hands and hair. And our parents also didn’t bother. Cuz we’re family! She seemed like a joyful and carefree adult like in the movies. Life would be easier if there was a person like her with me. Her vacation came to an end and we went back to our lives. I would look at our pictures here and then to remind me of her. It’s been a year since then and I am still trying to find a partner.

A lot of people don’t believe in Karma. I myself have gotten more doubtful over years. There is a zero sum aspect to this world that is unfortunately true. Sometimes you have to step on heads to get ahead. You may or may not have a conscience. If you do have one maybe you have to contend with a guilty conscience. But that seems like a minor price to pay for a lot people given the benefits they can get for their actions.

Anyway I notice people who burn the other gender often make bs excuses for actions because they themselves have been burned in the past. It’s a bullshit excuse because the reality you have with is with that one person and it’s just between you and them. You are not “getting back” at the man or woman who burned you by mistreating an unrelated man or woman. You are not getting your “revenge” You are just harming a person who doesn’t deserve it.

I often blame women for this adolescent behavior. But when I’m brutally honest with myself I confess there have been a few isolated incidents I have done this in my own life. It was particularly during my man whore phase in my late 20s/early 30s. I was never a liar. But I would play dumb with women who I knew wanted a relationship when I just wanted to get laid. I felt some mild guilt about it and but I buried that by remembering how many women burned me for being a “nice” guy in my early 20s. I figured it was “my turn” to enjoy the one way benefits.

But that was wrong. Bottom line is this is really just contributing to a “dog eat dog” shitty cycle that’s making things worse and worse for men and women. We look at scoring one for “our team”. In reality when you screw over someone else in dating they might screw over someone else at some point. There is more distrust. More hate. More selfishness. More toxic femininity. More toxic masculinity.

But Mother Nature meant to bound men and women together for companionship and reproduction. It’s NOT a “my team vs. your team”. It’s supposed to be two halves to a whole.