I chose to give my son up, how do I cope with the guilt? And am I a monster? And I know, no one would want me after that?

[Anonymous]

I had a relationship with an abusive narcissist for two years and up until then had saved my self for marriage. This man had somehow convinced me with his lies and love bombing that he was someone worthy of my body and affection. I gave him my virginity and felt because of my beliefs that I had to stay with him because of that. Unfortunately I had later found out I was pregnant. I did not want his child and he knew that, I told him I wasn’t ready for that and it wasn’t something I wanted for myself. He had admitted he had gotten me pregnant on purpose and made me feel like a monster for wanting an abortion. He threatened and verbally abused me to the point I gave in. I was so depressed my whole pregnancy and felt trapped with no money and full reliance on him. After my son was born I still felt depressed. It was like I felt no joy in being a mother. On top of that my sister didn’t want anything to do with my son because she hates his father and my mother always put me down making me feel like I was a terrible mother and me and his father were done after my son was 6 months. He had already gotten another women pregnant and I felt even more hatred to him when he knew I never wanted a child. ( he came inside me and lied about it and refused me plan b). I wanted to give my son up for adoption because I felt I couldn’t give him the best life and I felt no joy in being a mother and I had no support. I had told the father this and he plain out refused and said he would just raise him with his family and his mother convinced me that I really wasn’t wanted in the picture, it was like she wanted me gone. So their family have been raising me son and I have not been in contact since. Going no contact with an abusive narcissist is the only way to heal. I feel so much guilt and shame and less of a person that some nights I just cry. I just want my son to be loved and have a good life. Whether I’m there or not. I’ve punished myself by being alone and tend to be alone for ever.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh my goodness, You've been through an incredibly traumatic experience, and suffering from guilt is understandable. But please try to be gentle with yourself. You did the best you could at the time with the tools, support and mental state you had. You survived. That's no small feat.

You are not a monster. You made a decision out of an impossible situation, one that countless other women have faced. You were manipulated, abused and pressured into a situation you never wanted. That is not your fault.

You've already identified the healthy choice to cut off contact with your abusive ex. That was wise. Now focus your energy on your own healing:

• Consider talking to a therapist who specializes in trauma and regret surrounding adoption/parenthood. They can help you process your guilt in a healthy way.

• Practice self-compassion. You did the best you could at the time. You deserve forgiveness and care, even from yourself.

• Connect with community. Meetups, religious groups, volunteer work - anything that gets you around good people. Social support is vital for overcoming shame.

• Reframe your story. Focus less on "giving up" your son and more on protecting him from an unhealthy home environment. Your choices came from a desire for him to have the best life possible.

• Make different choices now. Commit to treating yourself with more care, wisdom and respect going forward. Your value does not decrease due to past mistakes.

You can move past this guilt in time. Be patient with yourself, seek support and commit to creating the life you want from this day forward. You deserve love and peace, even after this hardship. Your worth is innate and does not depend on being a mother.

Please feel free to follow-up if you have any other questions. I wish you all the very best in your healing journey.

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome

[Scooter1836]

My heart goes out to you, beautiful soul. This story is gut wrenching. I'm certain you are experiencing so much emotional pain and grief.

First off, a monster would have killed that baby while it was still inside of you. You carried a child and helped a person have a chance at the gift of life. For that alone, you should be praised. I know it's painful to give your baby up. To be certain though, a day will come when he know a woman went through so much so he can live.

Seeing a therapist will help with the grief. They are trained in helping people deal with emotional issues. Perhaps they might even prescribe some medication for the Depression? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Would you still be wanted by a man one day? No doubt. If I met a woman who went through what you did, I wouldn't hold it against her. I want her heart regardless of her past. If you think you are unlovable you will become unlovable. If you think there is a man out there who would do anything to have you in his life, then (1) you be right, and (2) you open the door and invite happiness to rain in your hurting heart.

Much love ♥

[stepyo99]

Absolutely not. You kept your kid alive and did your best to set him up for an opportunity for a good life. I'm sure it was a hard decision, but you made the right one. Many people in your shoes would have been selfish and murdered their child.

The next step for you, though, is to take care of yourself. You shouldn't condemn yourself to a life of loneliness. Please see a therapist. It's good you cut those people out of your life, but now you need to build yourself a better life. You deserve it. You don't deserve to live the rest of your life punishing yourself for making the best out of a bad situation.

[Jmmmfi4]

If I were you I'd seek professional counseling

[DarkLegacy]

The last part of your question is so true

[Asker]

It’s fine to say your opinion but it’s never okay to be cruel