Don’t know if I should stay or leave?

[Anonymous]

Okay so, although my boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years, we have been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 1 year and 4months. He’s 21 just like myself, matter of fact we’re 2 weeks apart in age. Anyways, we’ve always had our arguments here and there like every normal couple and he’s never ever cheated on me. Out of all his friends he seems the most “ responsible “ even though he’s surrounded by irresponsible and immature guys that sometimes influence him into doing stupid shit. The other week he went out for his friends birthday and got so drunk that he kissed some girl he doesn’t even remember the name of. I found out about it in his phone while he was asleep and drunk in my bed. And obviously when I saw the videos I got so mad that I smacked him in the face and accidentally made his nose bleed. He got up confused and crying and pushed me that I hurt myself on my arm and have a bruise now. When he sobered up and realized what happened he started crying and hugging me telling me he was sorry and felt horrible for cheating on me and pushing me. In the morning after he was 100% sober he asked me what happened exactly last night bc it was still a bit of a blur for him and said that he feels disgusted with himself and loves me and is so sorry. I love him and I know that he loves me. He promised that he will stop drinking excessively and probably won’t hang out with those “ friends “ of his anymore. I’ve chosen to try and work things out but we’re taking a 2 week break right now. I believe he loves me but I’m coming on here to see if it’s the right thing to do to take him back? He says he misses me and continues to feel the guilt on his shoulders. SRRY for the long text

Updates

1 y

And just to add, he even told his parents what he did and told his friends that he’s not going out with them in a while because of what happened

[SueShe]

Just kissing a girl is not yet a fully fledged cheating act, although, it all depends on how he kissed her and where his hands were during that "kiss" and how they worked on that girl.

A promise while sober is about just as good as a promise while intoxicated. It holds as long as the promise seems to be forgotten by you. He will think that you don't remember and will start over again. If your boyfriend does not have a very strong character, he will let himself be influenced by those toxic friends again. Also, where is the limit between drinking "excessively" and drinking "normally". Once he has drunk enough for his judgment to be obscured, his toxic friends will entice him to drink a little more and yet a little more until he is so intoxicated that he will not know what he is doing (again).

He may miss you now and will try to be a good boy... until next time.

You should judge from his behavior of the past years whether his word can be trusted. How many times has he been intoxicated in the past? If this one time is the only time, then you can give him another chance but if he is regularly intoxicated, even slightly, then you know you cannot trust him.

[Asker]

Hi Sue, I can’t recall the last time he drank excessively because it’s been so long. Usually when he goes out with his friends to a pub or to have a get together it’s about 2-3 drinks for the night. Because it was his friends birthday that’s probably why he drank too much, but of course it’s not an excuse for what he’s done. I do know that he’s been cheated on in his past relationship and he feels disappointed with himself because he knows the feeling of being betrayed. And in terms of kissing the girl, from what I could tell with the videos she initiated it but they must’ve kissed for about 5-10min from what he told me. Not all in one straight go but he and his friends were near them

[SueShe]

I would say that you should have a good conversation about what is acceptable to you and what not.

Prepare a list of things you see are possibly an issue with his behavior and next to each item, bring up a solution that works for you. Next, you ask him to make a similar list and again, let him bring his own solutions to his problems or where he sees problems in your relationships.

Both lists have to be made independently from each other. Next you sit together and go over both lists and find a consensus that is acceptable to both. Adhere to those list at all cost. Also, it is important that none of you are angry or accusing. That would not fulfill the purpose of it. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your advice, I will try that out when I see him next. Thank you x

[SueShe]

Hope that it will help.

[PrettyPriya]

If it were me, he would be out the door and forgotten. I know. Easier said than done but I would not stand for the excuse that he was drunk. Let's look at the two parts of this that make it such a betrayal.

One is that he got drunk to the point he couldn't control himself or even remember things. You don't think he will do that again? I bet he does. He doesn't have any self control.

Two, he kissed another girl. Okay, so he was drunk... is that an excuse you are willing to accept? That he could not control himself from drinking too much and therefore could not control himself from kissing a girl? I wouldn't stand for it.

Now, there is the business of the physical altercation you got into. It was not right of you to hit him. It was equally not as right for him to retaliate. I think this relationship is over. These are things you will never forget. The next time he goes to the pub with his buddies, what are you going to be thinking? You know as well as I do it will be if he is out of control and making out with some random girl.

[Guy13]

Well, you are aware. If you need verification in another act then that’s you. My Mom when 13: “Where there’s is spark or fire…if they do it for you they will do it too you”. My additional adaptation: get out out before the building falls in on you.

[Changiis07]

It's def a red flag him drinking so much as that always leads to bad choices period, which I know you're aware of. This situation is only tricky because he said he feels disgusted with what happened so this is up to you if you want to take him back. He sounds genuinely sorry for what happened. You will have to see if you do want him back that he will do what he says he will do. He said he will stop hanging out with them and stop drinking excessively. Now if he does do what he says he will do moving forward then I can see it working out but now it does leave you feeling if you can even trust him now that this happened as trust is a big factor in a relationship. Think about it and communicate what you expect to happen moving forward and see how it continues. If he keeps doing it then that means it is not worth you waiting for him to change but if you are worth it for him then he will change for you. Otherwise don't waste your time and move on

[Asker]

Thank you Changiis07, I appreciate your advice.

[LazerBean]

How many more red flags do you need?