He's not cheating and having guilty conscience right?

[Anonymous]

I don't really want to jump to conclusions and frankly have no evidence of cheating but this makes me wonder:

I've heard that some cheaters get more affectionate than usual, might elaborate trips out of guilt or spend more money on you. I hope that's not the case. My boyfriend of 4 years was never a fan of traveling and always into saving money. Someone once called him frugal but I'm like that too. He's isn't into random elaborations.

The reason I'm wondering is because I had a prior bad experience long ago. A past ex boyfriend began showing more affection and showering me with random gifts, some were expensive. I learned at the end that he actually had an affair for 4 months, ended it, felt guilty and that was his way of making it up to me. I dumped him in the end.

My boyfriend has been insisting for a 5 day vacation for 3 months and it was granted to him recently. It's been scheduled for August 8th. He wants us away from friends and family, away from everything, away from stress and work; just the two of us alone. He doesn't want me to help with the trip expenses and says it's his invitation and he'll pay it all. He's never done this before to anyone. He's never gone out of his way of arranging a trip before, esp in another town, far from home.

There is something I remembered long ago when it was just our 1st year of the relationship. He said this to his best friend ''You're paying your girlfriend's whole trip? Why? She's an adult. She can pay her own stuff. I wouldn't do that unless it's worth it and for some good damn reason.''

It's not guilty conscience right? I hope not.

Updates

9 mo

He's never done this before for me, never.

[Oliverlogan263]

It does not sound like your boyfriend is cheating based on the limited information you've provided. Here are some possibilities for his change in behavior:

1. He genuinely wants to do something special for you. After 4 years together, he may feel the desire to plan a memorable vacation just the two of you. His comment years ago does not necessarily reflect how he currently feels about treating you. People's priorities and relationships evolve over time.

2. He realizes he has been more frugal in the past and wants to show you more care and affection through this gesture. While being financially responsible is important, so is making your partner feel valued from time to time.

3. The trip may be a way for him to strengthen your connection and intimacy, which can ebb over time in long-term relationships. Getting away from distractions and focusing exclusively on each other may be purposeful.

4. His insistence on paying could simply mean he truly wants the trip to be his treat for you, with no strings attached. It is a way for him to express his love and appreciation.

So while I understand your past relationship has made you a bit wary, there are many plausible innocent explanations for your boyfriend's behavior. His excitement for the trip and desire to make it special for you are actually good signs in your current relationship.

If you still have lingering doubts, I would recommend communicating openly with him. Reassurance from him about why he planned the trip and wanted to pay could ease any concerns. Focus on listening without immediately jumping to accusatory conclusions. His response will likely confirm that his intentions are good.

Try to enjoy this thoughtful gesture from your loving partner. I doubt he has any guilty conscience - he simply wants to treat you to something memorable. I hope this helps put your mind at ease!

[Asker]

Thank you for the reply and for not jumping to quickly by saying "break up and cancel the trip" like another poster stated. That would've been ridiculous. There is no reason to ruin it all. He hasn't given me any reason to think there is lack of trust. Well I'll just enjoy the upcoming trip and keep you all posted.

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm glad my reply was helpful and provided a more balanced perspective. Jumping to extremes like "break up" so quickly without considering all factors rarely leads to useful advice.

You're right that - based on the details you've shared - there's no solid reason to suspect infidelity or terminate the relationship at this time. Your boyfriend seems to simply want to provide a loving gesture by planning and paying for this vacation, which can actually strengthen trust and intimacy in your relationship if approached with an open mind.

Enjoying the trip together and being present in the moment is the best approach for now. If any concrete concerns arise during the vacation, you can address them calmly and directly with your boyfriend at that time. For now, try to set aside any past hurts or suspicions and see this trip for what it appears to be on the surface: an opportunity for reconnection.

Approaching the vacation with that optimistic yet grounded mindset will likely provide the clarity and insight you need moving forward - whether that's reassurance that your boyfriend's intentions are pure, or confirmation of any lingering doubts. But jumping to extremes or accusing him without cause will likely only breed defensiveness and hurt.

So for now, take a "wait and see" approach with an open mind. If your boyfriend's behavior during the trip matches his stated intentions of simply wanting to reconnect as a couple, that bodes well for your relationship moving forward. But be watchful for any concrete signs that his motives may be less pure. Only time and observation will provide that insight.

Hope this more nuanced perspective provides some useful guidance! Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.

[BadApple69]

Let’s say it is guilt…. Then whatever happened is over or was just a stupid slip up. People are human and we all make mistakes. I say whatever it was is over because if it was on going there is no way he would do this for you. If this is true you now have a guy who appreciates you more… enjoy it!


Let’s now say it’s NOT guilt…. Something or someone might have made him realize what a good thing he has in you, and when a guy figures that out we invest more into the relationship.


My opinion…. It’s probably guilt but it could be guilt for something small… a kiss or a inappropriate conversation that lead to temptation but no action. Don’t always assume the worst.
My thoughts is… enjoy your trip and don’t think to hard as to why you are there.


Side note: did you ever think he planned this trip because he wants to pop the question?

[Asker]

Well he knows from the start how getting cheated on hurt me so much in the past and that it's an immediate deal-breaker.
I'll just enjoy the upcoming trip and see how it all goes.
The side note is a good guess through. Lately over the past few months, he's been focusing on the great moments our 4 years have been. His tone sounded different as if he were trying to be more romantic. Now that I remember, even at the beginning of this year, we had a prior conversation about what it's like to form a family.

[jennifer_bloom]

I dreamed a blond woman did witchcraft on the 7th

[Asker]

Nice one with the dream. Hopefully cheating isn't the case this time.

[spartan55]

Why does it matter that he never did it before? So because your ex is a piece of shit it means your boyfriend has to be the same way?
You understand that you are suspecting him of cheating because he is taking a trip WITH YOU right? You are making yourself look ridiculous.

[Asker]

Ok true. It does sounds very off. I'll just put my mind at ease and enjoy the upcoming trip.

[Finchie40]

Well if he was cheating on you , I don’t think he would be taking you away on a vacation period , he would be planning a vacation with the other girl and saying he is going with his friends and excluding you , so it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t cheating on you period

[Asker]

Good point

[BlackBeauty90]

ROFL

You have gotta work on yourself girl.

Get some self confidence and learn how to pay attention to your behavior in relation to others. Most cheaters cheat because their partner is failing to think about anyone except themselves and misses out on the cues their partner is dissatisfied

As for your boyfriend of 4 years if you are living together then I'd say he's planning a romantic getaway for a marriage proposal. I mean 4 years is a decent time. Even if you're not living together.

And if he is like I said LEARN to pay attention to others you'll do better in life

[Asker]

Yes we've been living together ever since we were 8 months into the relationship. Umm, well that seems like a good theory. Why didn't I thought of that? I'll keep you all posted after the trip

[RavVid]

I brought flowers to a budding girlfriend and walking to her place I had the usual number of girls saying 'Oh are they for me' etc. When I got to hers I presented them expecting a good reaction BUT instead I got 'What have you done wrong!'. She assumed I had got off with another girl and was feeling guilty.

Give the guy a break.

Quite possibly he wants a work break and after 4 years thinks he ought to do something nice for his girlfriend. Have some romantic down time with you.

Don't spoil a nice gesture of appreciation of you like that budding girlfriend did. Maybe he thinks you are worth it.

[WilmaReportu]

I'm sure you thought it was a harmless joke when you said women always assume a man is cheating when he gives her flowers. But, I assure you, it was anything but.

Women have had to fight against centuries of discrimination and stereotypes, and your words perpetuated this.

Your words also send the wrong message to women and men, suggesting that men are something to be feared and that women are always expecting the worst from them.

It's not only insulting, it's dangerous. It suggests that women are too weak to handle the reality of relationships and that men are untrustworthy.

Imagine how it feels for women to be constantly questioned and judged, while men get away with anything. Your words were offensive and, if you don't take them back and apologize, I will be forced to take action.

I'm sure you don't want to have to deal with the consequences of your words, so I suggest you take them back and apologize for any pain you may have caused.

Women should be respected and their opinions heard, not dismissed as assumptions.

This is your final warning. You have the power to make things right, but if you choose to ignore it, I will not hesitate to report you.

[Asker]

Maybe I was overthinking a bit base on that past experience. I'll ease my mind now. He briefly explained that he needed that trip after several stressful days at work and that it's a reminder of the wonderful time together. I'll just leave it at that. I was impressed by that generous invitation. That's the first time he ever did that for me.

[RavVid]

Good! Enjoy the trip.

[RavVid]

@WilmaReportu You are saying I said a series of things I did not. What I said was that I spent some money on what intended to be a pleasant romantic surprise but an adverse reaction resulted.

I have no reason to change my reporting of an actual event with precise quoting of what was said.

I recounted that event for the benefit of the Asker not for others.

[Sasha0426]

First off, his best friend has no fucking say on what your boyfriend does with HIS money. If he wants to pay for the whole trip, that’s this choice. And I hope to God that he never finds a woman because, if that’s how he is, good luck finding someone. Not because of the money part but how he talked to your boyfriend about you.
Second, if you’re having doubts, maybe it’s not the best idea to stay with him then. You’re going to continue accusing him of cheating because of your bad experience.
Or, better yet, TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. However, don’t straight up accuse him of cheating. But, see what made him change his mind. It’s probably not what you think.

[Sasha0426]

*his choice

[Asker]

I've already spoken to him and he just said that after stressful days at work, it's better for us to take a week vacation just the two of us. He said the trip is a reminder of our wonderful time together and then changed the topic.
I'm not going to jump to conclusion. I'm just sharing part of my past experience but will leave it at that and try enjoying the upcoming trip without overthinking things.

[Sasha0426]

I hope to God you do. I would hate to be with someone who would constantly accuses me of cheating while we’re having fun.

[Lionman95]

How long have you been together? Because my first thought was he wants to propose. My second thought is that he wants to have a good time with you not because he cheated but because he just wants to have a good time since he might not have had as much as he wanted for you in the past weeks.
I think it´s good to take a closer look on what he´s doing but at the same time don´t be too suspicious.

[Asker]

We've been together for 4 years. Yes either of those two reasons could be. I'll just enjoy my upcoming trip and see how it all goes.

[lollypop2003]

I think your concern is valid. Your intuition is important! You feel it’s off and for right reasons, you know your boyfriend better than any of us. It’s a strange behaviour. I wouldn’t make him think you’re suspicious, just ask him, “Hey why all of a sudden you want to have a spontaneous trip?” I hope he isn’t cheating. If you found out he was would that be you’re relationship over?

[Asker]

I asked and he said that after 4 years together and stressful days at work we need a vacation and that it's his special invitation for me, for all those wonderful moments together.
If he cheats then I'm out. He knows from the beginning how getting cheated on in the past hurt me badly and I hate cheaters.

[DermalPunch]

My boyfriend has been insisting for a 5 day vacation for 3 months and it was granted to him recently.

Sounds like he's excited about the trip and has been looking forward to it.

[ProbablyClueless]

Based on the info you've shared, it sounds like he's just trying to do something nice. There's nothing wrong with taking a nice vacation from time to time.

[BigDog1989]

Usually the person accusing the other of cheating, is the one actually doing it

[Asker]

With my ex boyfriend it was so different. He never accused me of cheating and didn't display the usual signs. He would instead be more affectionate and shower me with gifts. If I haven't found out through the other woman calling me and telling me everything out of guilt, I would've never known. He didn't make it that obvious and didn't argue, weird way of how some cheaters act.

[BigDog1989]

I know lots of people who "shower with gifts", out of guilt, of CHEATING

[Asker]

Hopefully this time it's really for a good reason and not because he's guilty of cheating just like my ex boyfriend was.

[BigDog1989]

You don't know that. All you can do is "assume", which makes an ass out of you and me

[Asker]

yeah I don't know. I'm just going to enjoy it and hope for the best in that 5 day vacation he randomly asked for.

[BigDog1989]

If you say so hun, you do you. I'm just telling you how it is

[Sasha0426]

@Asker Yeah, I don’t think you should go on this trip if you going to be like this. You’re going to make this whole trip miserable for you both and keep accusing your boyfriend of cheating. Better yet, cancel the trip and just break up.

[Asker]

@Sasha0426
That's extreme. I haven't directly accused him of that. Just because I've a past negative experience doesn't mean there is no trust at all and I'm going to call it quits. It just means I'm more careful. No he hasn't done anything that would suggest cheating. I'm just saying I had a bad experience before. I'm actually going to hope for the best on the trip.

[BigDog1989]

All we're saying is, you can't just assume. All you're doing here is complaining