Dating

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The women I met (A satirical take on "Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met" by tallandsweet)

Based on the original "Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met" by tallandsweet

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met

THIS IS A SATIRICAL P-A-R--O-D-Y MADE FOR FUN! DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY!

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The women I met

by
SomewhatTallButSoDamnSnarky


#1: The potential love of my life
This gal is a 29-year-old Arabic woman from Vatican City who grew up in Detroit, Compton, and The Dalles, Oregon. I definitely did not expect for us to have anything in common at first. However, after our first FaceTime video call, she told me that she would love to get to know me more. I was impressed by her honesty, intelligence and eloquence, and I love women who are a bit older and immediately tell me what they want.

She attended Onlyfans University after dropping from UCLA and worked as a banker's naughty secretary in London, Ontario until it almost shattered her pretty little soul and now, she is back in Compton. Our first few conversations were deep, amazing, stunning, and I instantly felt like she could become my senpai, which is weabooese for lover or something.

As time went on though, I realized that she wanted a daddy to her future children, not a boyfriend, not a husband, not a hookup. She told me that I would have to either pay for a night at a fancy bar or tell her goodbye after our first meet-up, which was too much for me. I haven’t french kissed a woman yet – I kissed a prostitute once and didn’t use my tongue. I know that I like kissing from other experiences with men (I’m not bi.... I think...), but her expectations were way too much for me.

OH! and get this shit! She’s 6 pounds fatter than me!

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The women I met (A satirical take on Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met by tallandsweet)

So damn fat! But hey, at least she's tall. :)

#2: Weird but funny gal I will probably meet IRL
25, still a kid mentally but financially stable. The only thing I don’t like about this gal is that she calls me "honey," "hun," "sweety." etc, all words that are feminine. Also, she flexes with her income way too much, I have no idea how much she actually makes but it’s just annoying because I’m not impressed by materialistic things.

I did not consider her that attractive at first, but she grew on me and I now really like her face.

She’s also my weight. AMAZING! Automatic win!

We live dangerously. So romantic <3
We live dangerously. So romantic <3

#3 The encounter that helped me heal
While swiping away on Tinder, I stumbled across the most stereotypical 25-year-old Canadian gal I could have met there: skiing instructor in Minnesota during the winter time, entrepreneur (Instagram) and university student in two cities during the summer time, politically engaged all year round. (green party voter, don't tell her daddy)

However, after a few messages, she told me that he had visited a fairly small school (fewer than 200 students) in my province but that she was born 300km away. For Canadian standards, this is far. I know the school very well because I had considered going there. I did the math and figured it couldn’t hurt to ask, so I asked him whether he knew my former clown school teacher (the one that I fell for/who was in love with me/who later kicked me out) and she did.

I was shook, terrified and amused at the same time and told her that I wanted to call her immediately, so we started texting (and sexting) on another app and had a very interesting phone call that lasted more than three hours about this teacher (who she adores and even clubs/drinks with to this day), growing up in Canada, how having Australian boyfriends/girlfriends never works out (they didn't grow up with the mountains and their lack of of anything not to do with kangaroos is annoying (doesn't apply to New Zealanders) and finally we talked about politics.

Talking about my clowny teacher with someone who knows her that well helped me heal. It also helped me to let go of my past and to accept that I have to move on from this terrifying experience I had at school.

I wanted to meet her but so far, it has never worked out because both her and I are all over the place right now physically and hence it is difficult to be in the same city at the same time.

She's 14 pounds fatter than me.

Four Rules of What Men Expect of Women on the First Date

1. Be on time (Men don't give a fuck about your makeup and high heels slowing ya down, time is money bitch! Move it! :D )

2. Compliment and praise men. Men are fabulous. Make it known. Say it out loud.

3. Ask questions, don't just sit there letting men do the work!

4. Smell as good as you look. Or walk home. Take your pick.


Conclusion
I only wanted to talk about remotely positive experiences because everything else would’ve felt too depressing for me personally. There certainly are topics that I learned to avoid in order not to get insulted. I met so many gals who couldn’t deal with my level of honesty, with my American humour or with my fake confidence.

I was very surprised by how much more difficult it was to hit up Azerbaijan gals as opposed to Taiwanese ones or aliens from Pluto, and I was not impressed by the number of insults I ended up with just because I didn't answer people right away. I mean, I was texting with more than 30 gals at a time, of course that's exhausting and not exactly an easy feat.

Have you ever met someone online that you then also met in real life?

What are your tips for a first date with someone you got to know online?

How do avoid past scary clowns? 0.0

By SomewhatTallButDamnHesSoSnarky AKA the great errorgoodusernameunfound

Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The women I met (A satirical take on "Two months on Badoo, Tinder and Lovoo - The men I met" by tallandsweet)
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