So, me being the inferior F-grade height I am, combined with being ugly, dark-skinned, having hypothyroidism (thus effortlessly overweight), as well as having had a Precious Puberty, which lead to at least two of these problems, it's easy to surmise that I am physically very much unattractive. I don't like that this is the case for me, but it just happens to be the truth and 96% of women can agree to that. This makes it harder for someone like me to gain a meaningful partner, let alone the ego ("confidence") that women require in men to attract one. I simply have nothing going for me in looks, and while I do have lots of personality traits *I* like, the only one that matters to women I do not possess, due to the physical drawbacks and limitations.
Compared to most men, especially tall ones, I haven't been with too many women in my life. In fact, I've only dated ten of them. The only one I felt like I loved and was due to get married to, died shortly after proposal and close to a year of us knowing each other. And one other woman seemed like there might have been sparks, but it didn't work out. Every other woman after those two, were not good to me. Here's what I learned from each of my nine ex-girlfriends.
In 2009, Ellen was the first girl I truly dated. She was a 6'2" super-busty curvaceous green-eyed blonde with one of the fattest asses I've ever seen, not just on a white girl, but any girl. Ellen was a country girl from South Carolina who moved up to my way for college. When I first saw her, I had to have her. Being a country girl, she was nicer than most and my chances with her were slightly higher than the typical judgmental, hyper-shallow, entitled city women. Ellen said how she was open-minded. At first, I didn't know what that meant. I was just too distracted by her beauty and her body.
Out of the women I've dated, she probably ranks in the top three as far as looks. I was too distracted at the time to see the warning signs. For starters, a girl who looked like her shouldn't have given me the time of day. Secondly, we never had sex. There was a reason for that. As I got to know her more, I found that she liked talking to me and that I was a genius compared to her (not that she was dumb, but she wasn't smart, either). But all of her small warning signs I ignored finally sense once I learned about Ellen's campus ex and they ran into each other at a bar one night. A 5'4" female with frizzy black hair. Ellen was not heterosexual.
I asked Ellen about it, and yes, she confirmed she was gay. Or, as the PC people call it, "queer." Or, the extra-specific, pretentious term for her kind of queerness, where they exploit men and f*ck women, "bisexual." I was furious. And also, felt heartbroken. This whole time I was dating a lesbian! I asked her why didn't she explain it to me, and she said how she didn't think it was a big deal, and how she thought it didn't matter. I can't express how angry I was. I thought there might have been sparks and chemistry with her. But no, because she was a f*cking lesbian! She was attracted to, and had slept with women, in the past! And I know plenty of super-cucked, emasculated men out there are fine with dating queer women. But I'm not. I'm already insecure about my poor looks, to begin with. Why would I be some lesbian's ATM and simp? I didn't talk to Ellen or return her calls after that. But to be fair, it was my fault for never asking if she was straight or not. I got confused from the body language she was giving me and thought she was hetero. I assumed she was. That was may fault. I let my dick do all the thinking and didn't see the warning signs, the way she referred to other women in a sexual way usually only men do, the way she described her ex ("pretty"), and so on.
I felt embarrassed and humiliated that I fell for a gay chick. As I said, some men would be willing to emasculate themselves even more, because they have a lesbian fetish or some pathetic sh*t. But I was looking for romance AND sex. And the chances of romance (or sex) weren't possible with a queer chick. Not with me.
In 2010, I had returned to dating sites once again. I met my second one, Molly, on literally the worst dating site out there, Plenty of Fish (POF). Molly took an interest in me, and admittedly, had a fetish for colored men. I asked her right away if she was straight or gay, to avoid making the same mistakes twice. She's definitely straight. In fact, out of the two women I dated that were super-straight (not into women whatsoever, and LOVES sex; unlike 90% of women out there), she was arguably the more sex-obsessed out of the two. Another thing about Molly that made her so likable was that she was Down-to-Earth.
Molly wasn't what I'd call pretty, but I don't expect to get pretty girls anyway. She was a plus-sized 6'2" raven-haired, green-eyed 5 out of 10 in looks. She was a Starbucks manager. She worked 16 hours a day and came from a mostly Hispanic part of California. She was very much working-class and Down-to-Earth. 34 year old me could easily keep her, but 23 year old me was still very much inexperienced. I was just glad to be dating a straight girl this time.
My problem with Molly however, was something that I learned most men are expected to do with women. You see, most of them are boring. Most *people* are probably boring. And Molly was a basic bean-counter, working a "normal" barista job. Besides sex, she didn't have too many hobbies. And while I can be called many things, boring is one of the few things I can't be called. However, most women tend to dislike that about me, and want something safe and "normal." Women don't like "abnormal." Almost all of the time, I have to pretend to be "normal" around people. And it usually works in not scaring them off or freaking them out. I thought things were going fine with Molly, but they weren't.
Although I didn't know it at the time, you can't have two "normal" people in a relationship. Or at least, *I* can't have that. It'll never work out. Molly's ex boyfriend was a 6'4" Marine. Compared to him, I was "boring" and milquetoast to her. Though ironically, I was probably more eccentric and crazy that he was. But by the time Molly learned that about me, it was too late. I had gotten too good at faking being normal. And became predictable to her. Once I felt like I could trust her with my more intimidating, "less sane" side of me, she had already fallen for her ex again. It was decided it was for the best of us to split up, since she wasn't getting over her marine ex anytime soon. Sadly, that wouldn't be the last time I dealt with a girl like this.
Lara was one of the youngest women I dated. She was 19 going on 20, and I was 24 in 2011. I met her on the dating platform OKCupid (this is long before it went super, hyper woke). Lara's ex was actually a guy that, on the surface, seemed like he was a step-down from me.
Lara was six feet tall with enormous, gigantic breasts and was (as people tend to say, "built like a brick sh*thouse." And it was all natural. She didn't work out or anything, and the strong theory is, her father must have been The Hulk or something. Lara disliked her body and being so "big" with broad shoulders and large meaty biceps. She would often put up this front of being an Alpha Female, just to go with her image, but in reality, she was timid, scared, vulnerable, and afraid.
Lara broke up with her ex only two months prior to meeting me. The ex was even shorter than I was, at 174 cm (around 5'9") and had to weigh no more than 160 pounds. He, quite frankly, looked like a soyboy. A skinny, Jewish, pencil-armed, bowtie-wearing simp. However, based on what Lara said, he wasn't. She spoke a lot about him, but oddly, didn't say much of anything. She basically implied that he gaslit and manipulated her, and only broke up with him because her gal friends all said he was toxic towards her. And I could imagine it; him being the master manipulator, twisting her insecurities and emotions into a warped devotion for him. He certainly didn't have looks or height going for him. (His parents were wealthy, if it mattered.)
Lara spoke about her ex early on. On our first date, in fact. And the truth is, she never stopped talking about him in the 7 weeks we dated. I treated Lara better than her ex in every conceivable way. The one thing she could say he had over me was, he was very cocky and arrogant. Despite essentially being an unemployed loser and leeching off his dad's money, he had lots of ego. And it seemed like he gaslit Lara hard. Even when we weren't talking about him, Lara discovered that I had some insecurities of my own. Mainly, my flawed, garbage physical appearance. Lara said she didn't mind men who looked like me, and even willing to date short men like me (as she did her ex, who was way shorter than even I was). But the issue is, two people with insecurities weren't a good match.
And as toxic as it was, Lara was addicted to her ex, like a drug addict. I told Lara to go back to her toxic ex, and I think part of her knew she was making a bad mistake, but she was too much of an addict to let him go, anyway. I tried ignoring all of this when we first met. I should've known that this was a girl who could never date ANY other guy, let alone me, while still hung up on her toxic relationship from the past. This is ironic coming from a girl who played into the Alpha Female stereotype her looks suggested she was.
Amanda was the second girl I dated that year, in the Summer of 2011. Amanda was pretty big at 6'5.5" (196 cm) and at least 350 pounds, if I had to guess. She also had massive breasts, even for her frame. I think she was an N cup, I believe. Amanda was a college dropout working at a gas station. Personality wise, she was kinda average. An everyday working-class girl from Ohio who wasn't what any most men would consider attractive (based on what she implied). At that stage in her life, Amanda was what one would call "desperate." And while I wasn't, I certainly wasn't too far off. And so that's how we met each other. While Amanda was over her ex, she couldn't help but remark that her Ruben Studdard-looking ex was the same complexion as me and similar looking, but 6'8" and 400-something pounds. The way this was said however, made it sound like she was implying that I was a downgraded, smaller, weaker, more pathetic version of her ex. Something that I knew was probably a red flag in her mentioning. Amanda had been dumped by her ex for being "too unattractive and fat."
Amanda had a nice enough personality. She was from Ohio, but had a southern charm about her. Very traditional and willing to do things like cook and be nice to any man she dated. However, I soon learned why she was nice to me, a 'tiny, downgraded version of her ex.' She used it as a coping mechanism. In other words, she was only being nice to me to make herself feel wanted and like a lady, not because she actually liked me. I figured this out and confronted her with it. She couldn't give me a straight answer, so I knew it had to be true.
I didn't hard-dump Amanda like the others and we decided to just be friends, something *I* considered to be a downgrade in relationship status. I still talk to her on Facebook today. Over time, she began to lose weight and gained more confidence in herself, which affected her attitude and gave her more self-respect. It just seemed like I met her at a bad time in her life. However, I learned from Amanda that even desperate girls can mistreat you.
Kaitlyn is the closest thing I've ever had to a true love, literally one of the only women on the planet who (probably) could love me, and the only one of my past partners I don't look at in a negative light. She's not one of my "exes," but she bares mentioning at least a little.
I met Kaitlyn on OKCupid in December of 2011. I glanced at the profile of "KaitlynKutie", saw I was most things she requested in a man, and then moved on. She was a gorgeous full-figured redhead with piercing blue eyes and very large breasts. She was 191 cm, which is 6'3.5" and wanted confidence in a man above all else. I was neither tall nor full of ego. On that site at the time, you could see when someone visits your profile. So she saw me, went back to my profile, and made the first contact with a message, complimenting me and asking why I took a peak but didn't say anything. I wrote to her and said how I was short and wasn't "confident," so I'm not her type. This would be one of the first times we had "friendly debates" about something (they're like arguments, but not heated or angry). Kaitlyn was inquisitive and asked a lot of questions in life, in general.
Kaitlyn took a keen interest towards me, and could tell I was not "average." This spark in curious got her really interested in me, especially for my mind. We spent about two weeks writing entire books to each other online, before moving on to phone calls, at her insistence. To be honest, I was nervous about voice chatting, but she really really wanted to hear my voice (which, for reference, is the gayest thing ever and sounds like Mike Tyson after being kicked in the balls). We finally made the transition over to phone chats, and she claimed to really like my voice, "as a mix of articulate and masculine," so she claimed. Our first phone conversation lasted like, eight hours. From 11pm to 7am Sunday morning. Kaitlyn was one of the only people I ever met who could match me in conversation.
Kaitlyn was also one of the only people in my entire life I had instant chemistry with, something I don't think I've ever experienced with someone else. She instantly "got" me, and I didn't have to hide who I was around her. It was like she could read my mind. She was quite intelligent herself and had a very strong sense of humor, with jokes ranging from corny to genuinely funny. It made talking to her effortless and not like something I had to "try" to do. She was the only girl I ever met where I didn't have to "try." Things just flowed and we enjoyed each other's company. She was also nerdy too. A Batman fangirl and had black and yellow Batman bra and panties. She even had a tradition where every Halloween, she would dress up as a different character, and I saw her dressed as Batman, Batgirl, Robin, and Poison Ivy in the four years she had done it. Although the one thing I disliked was, she wasn't much of a gamer. I tried to get her into video games more, but she didn't take to it that much. Anyway, all of this is to say, she was the "one." That dream girl. That unicorn. That heart made of diamonds and platinum.
Kaitlyn's personality was one of warmth and positivity, overcoming adversity. She grew up in a two-parent household, but really struggled with her self-esteem due to her height and size (and unlike the other exes, grew up around "normal sized people," and was usually bigger and taller than everyone else). Kaitlyn talked about guys dating her out of dares, or misusing her, or treating her like a rebound. I think she only dated four or five guys from her teens to her then-current age of 22, but none of them treated her well, according to her. I think I became the "winner" out of all of those guys simply by default and not being a piece of crap.
Kaitlyn went from being sad and unhappy, and through the support of her parents and little sister Juliet, developed confidence in herself and began to be happier and more positive because of it, to the point no one could make her feel bad. She was quite empathetic in this regard, and quickly learned of my insecurities without me telling her, especially my height. She said how she had zero height requirements at all, but once I twisted her arm, said her "ideal" man (while adding the disclaimer that ideal and perfect doesn't exist) would be between 5'9" and 6'1", as that's what looks most attractive on a man, to her. This was something I didn't - and to be honest, still don't - get with her. She was a half inch from 6'4". Her dad was only 6'3", her mom was 5'9", and her little sister 5'9.5". Her whole family was tall, so how could her ideal man be that much shorter? I mean, what she said - and what might be obvious to others who aren't me - is that height truly doesn't matter to her. Like, at all. But it's something no other woman I dated would feel the same way about.
So when discussing all of my insecurities and flaws with her, she felt that every single one of them weren't an actual issue whatsoever, with the exception of weight (she was fine with my weight, but admitted objectively, it could be a negative on one's body). To put it simply, she accepted all aspects of myself I found to be an issue and loathed. Height was the biggest issue of all, but she assured me (almost too much, according to her), that my height was perfectly fine to her, even if I was 4.5 inches shorter than her. She considered us to be "close enough" in height, as half the men she dated were shorter than me and only one was taller than her. But despite all of this, I mentally wasn't there yet. I was seeing two psychologists a week and still quite depressed. Besides the whole "me not having confidence in myself" thing, she accepted all other aspects of me. It just felt like a fluke, though. All other women had been so negative to me, that I legitimately didn't know how to accept a woman accepting me. It was so foreign and alien of a concept to me.
Although the only things we ever argued about was my lack of confidence, we somehow grew closer to each other in spite of this, all throughout 2012. I wasn't earning enough money doing two jobs in executive protection and security work to move in with her, but she was a full time banker and night-time med student hoping to become an RN. She lived in a small warehouse studio apartment near the top floor. The plan she had was for a down payment on an affordable house. Towards the end of the year, we had an amazing, fairy-tale-like date that seemed too good to be real. I truly loved her. And I would believe, she truly loved me too. At the end of the date, she sat in a chair across from mine, took my two hands into hers, and gave a speech about how I made her feel, which ended with her asking "will you take me as your wife?" She had just proposed to me. I can't tell how I genuinely felt at the time, but I said yes. She made more money than me; so she obviously wasn't scamming me. It seemed real. Like she truly really loved me. I'll never know for sure, though.
Not too much longer after that, we were supposed to meet up at midnight, but I was stuck at work in my security job due to some asshole who didn't show up. I worked close enough to her, within a few miles, but not close enough to walk and the subway didn't run past 12:30. The plan was a night-time walk through the city, but because I had to work a double-shift, I texted her and told her I couldn't make it. This was the last night I spoke to her, as her apartment complex would go up in flames early that morning. Had this piece of sh*t shown up for his job, chances are, she wouldn't have been home that night, and probably would still be alive. I still blame this asshole for her death.
But the point is, only ten and a half months into our relationship, with marriage on the way, Kaitlyn was taken from me. What had seemed to be "too good to be true," ended up being too good to last. I was very angry, but not surprised. It seemed like the universe couldn't let me have anything I enjoyed. She was taken from this Earth only two months from her 23rd birthday.
(To Be Continued)
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