What I learned from my first break-up

I promise this won't be long.
What I learned from my first break-up

Not even two weeks ago, after returning from my trip in Bulgaria I simply finished packing up my stuff, told my girlfriend and my sister I was done with them, and walked away. The relationship simply wasn't sustainable anymore and was going nowhere.

It wasn't easy, but it was necessary to walk away.

I realized I couldn't help her anymore with her mental issues and obsessions, especially since she had no intention to work on it herself. I hold no bitterness or hatred towards her, I thank her for all the beautiful moments we had together and wish her every happiness and luck for the future.

Naturally, they had none of it - they cried, they screamed, they threatened, they did it all. But my mind was set and in fact I had already prepared another apartment (family property) and set up varying contingencies.

Thankfully a great friend helped me with that, and her support in that moment had been crucial.

What I learned from my first break-up

Or so I thought.

I knew she was following closely my situation as I confided a lot in her, and she constantly advised me to break up and cut off all contact, which in the need was good advice. But then she started playing into her hidden goals and tried to get closer to me, and being very insistent about that - not even a week after I broke up.

So I did the right thing - I thanked her for all her effort and support and then lowkey cut her off.

What I learned from my first break-up

But as the days went on, I noticed something. My friends started treating me differently. They never really liked my girlfriend, and although they were being supportive, they didn't hide how much they were happy she was gone.

In my eyes that's the worst slight.

Even if I still love her but have no intention to get back to her, my ex girlfriend was right on that - most of my friends are goons, mercenaries, lackeys who tried to cull my favor for their interests - especially a couple of the guys and girls.

So I started treating them just like what they are - my goons.

Goons, exactly like them!
Goons, exactly like them!

Once I saw that, I rightly started to be cautious and more distant with them - especially another female friend who's trying to get close to me - one side of me is heartwarmed and grateful, but the other one says "What does she wants from me? What is she seeking to gain?"

What I learned from my first break-up

Maybe I'm being paranoid or too distrustful, but after noticing how my ex girlfriend, my own sister and my friends piggybacked on me for my money and positions, it's just natural I start asking myself questions.

And that's what I learned: to focus more on my goals than other peoples and care strictly about my interests.

It's a ugly thing to say, but such is life's law.

Probably me in a few years...
Probably me in a few years...

I have a career to pursue, social goals and more and I can't let myself to be slowed by people who don't care or worse, deliberately henpeck me.

I'll still take care of those in my inner circle and this includes my sister and ex girlfriend - financial support and help with their issues but minimum personal contacts, and same with certain friends.

But I'll be focusing on my goals first and above everything from now on.

Thank you for reading

What I learned from my first break-up
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Most Helpful Girl

  • btbc92

    All I can say is just make better choices for yourself. You're not really being paranoid because first of all, a person that is sincere and care about you would not be so selfish to focus so much on themselves and tell you what you need. You yourself already made a decision about what you need and they should respect your decisions. Yes you really do need to start asking such questions because that will save you from getting yourself involved with bad people, and sadly you may need to clean your relationships out, and those that should not be in your circle should be out. And you also need to cut off your ex as well as your sister for some financial support. Let them apply for benefits and let them do what they need to do for themselves. Because as long as you keep doing that they will forever hold you in their grip. You got to start taking care of you, and let them focus on trying to take care of themselves. You owe them nothing. You owe it to yourself to get to a better place in life.

    Is this still revelant?
    • I understand, but the sad thing is that I have to interact with bad people for work, so I need to take precautions.
      I thought my friends and close people were good people but it turned out they are all self-serving sycophants and I'm honestly beginning to feel everyone is like that when you get to know them.
      Those who aren't like that are unambitious and will keep me down, so I don't really know where to turn.

    • btbc92

      Well you're not entirely wrong because the world pretty much promote self-serving attitudes you got to understand that. I'm sure you have learned is true philosophy class that the world is in Greek and Roman thought. And it's anything for your happiness attitude. So if using a person is going to make them happy, they're going to do it. Especially since morality comes to question. At the same time, if you feel that your workplace is too toxic, then you best to start looking for another job before you start quitting. Because you can't be in a place that is toxic.

    • That's true, everyone is out for themselves, so why couldn't I do the same?
      I don't use people or manipulate them, but they keep getting in my way and try to slow me down - I have allowed it so far out of goodness, but I should be more curt and distant.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • lightbulb27

    A good topic to study on your time away is "boundaries". people will take advantage of those who are in good position, some will. you'll know your true friends from those who are just there for their piece of the pie.

    Girls will go towards the sad and wounded and dig in, it fulfills their nurturing and they'll try to make their play... maybe not even know they are doing it, but probably do. definitely take time to heal and grow. I'm concerned this leaves big scar where you don't trust and that would be a shame. Understanding yourself is a big win. Improving your emotional energy will help... given the abuse you've been under.

    I agree with no contact...

    Is this still revelant?
    • You are perfectly right, and as a matter of fact I don't intend on dating or involve myself in dead end relationships anymore.

    • Desire and love are powerful drivers. Love should be unconditional, when it's right... it will just work so well with low friction. You need to heal so you can draw a healthy person... that may take therapy. Those drivers overcome self preservation at some point. Do what is right for you right now, I'm sure you want nothing to do with the mess... it's like coming out of a boxing ring! been there...

    • you heal up then you want to go back into the ring again.

What Girls & Guys Said

711
  • In a very good relationship, your partner's goals should be as important to you as your own goals but you should NEVER put your partner's needs above your own needs.

  • Your relationship sounds low-key like mine.. the break up too. I told my ex that I can be too toxic and hurtful if I found one reason to be and my trust issues were on high alert with her. I decided to break up with her but she asked me to not leave her (she said she was feeling suicidal). I never left her side then and tried my best. I got together with her thrice and there was no change. She prioritized her issues ignoring mine which was proved after I said that I was being suicidal. Lol she seemed to distance herself from me and after a while, she left me. I decided to tell her that I wanted to move on from her but she said she had found someone else so that's a relief. It seems like she just used me till she got in a better place and wanted to have someone to have her side till she got there and I saw a drastic change in her behavior after while. She had already been through a lot and I don't blame her for what she did to me, it indeed cost me a lot of mental tension but I am better now. Morever, I had to concentrate on my studies for this really difficult exam I'm chasing so I had no time for her. We're both at better places and I hold nothing against her.

  • ShadowofRegret

    I'm sorry about everything you have been through, but in a way, I can sort of relate, while I have not dated before, I have been through some pretty rough times in the past, and it really showed me just how selfish people can be, in fact, it gave me a kind of disgust for people in general as it dawned on me how people are usually only out for themselves, even hurting others to do so.

  • Logorithim

    Im glad to hear you have decided on how you'll handle this and hope you can get back to enjoying life.

  • TheAceholeSupreme666

    Good for you. I'm tired of being used by selfish people. I cut a lot of people out of my life over the past year. Caught the ex cheating, threw her out, then started sorting myself out. Then began the purge.
    So many so called "friends" tipped their hands. I noticed. Today, I have 1 friend.
    The rest couldn't be trusted, so out they went. Same with family. Other than my mother, I cut the rest off cold, because they aren't my kind of people.

  • Becoming an old man: Better be rich, full of drugs and extremely lonely than impoverished and miserable with an annoying, nagging, lazy and abusive, fat wife.

    Leave all the Anchors on the bottom and move on ⚓ just like that. 😎

  • Mickey9999

    I guess if you feel you were used all along why would you continue to support them? Doesn’t make sense. You only cut off personal contact. And are you mad at your friends for being silent during your relationship and now being verbal or are you saying they’ve never been trustworthy?

  • ChiPaPa

    Damn. That was a quick swoop in. Not even a week and she's already trying to be your girl.

  • rose004b

    There's something I'm not getting here. What exactly made you realize that your friends are 'goons'? I completely understand that would be the case if they were kissing up to you for their own convenience, but is that what they do? If this is just about your ex girlfriend, then I don't think it's fair to blame them for their change of attitude. Even if they disliked her when you two were still together, they did the right thing by not meddling in your relationship and keeping their opinion to themselves if you never asked for their advice.

  • R_Cakes91

    All I can say is that eventually, your ex and sister can’t be financially dependent on you. They are adults,, tell them to act like it.

    But it’s great you left. I remember reading about your situation earlier. Proud of you

  • WeirdoTay

    Dang. Sounds like you're too nice. Lol but have a good idea about keeping your goals an dreams first. People suck. Do you an the right one will fall right intonplace.

  • FreshOutaIdeas

    I'll spare you a long as hell comment detailing on my own experiences, and why I can completely relate to your experience here; but believe me when I say that whilst I'm guessing I come from a fairly different background to you, but I know what it means to be surrounded by users and parasitical blood suckers. With the issue of your ex girlfriend aside.

    Unfortunately the modern world dictates that we must remain on guard. There aren't many decent or trustworthy people around these days. But what you can do is "wear your heart on your sleeve". There's no way around getting hurt really, you just have to go with your gut when forming bonds with people, and only time will tell what those people are really like - which I think your finding out.

    Never, ever, show your hand fully unless you completely trust the person/people though.

  • jojouzumaki

    ... respecting your partner is the best way to show how much you love him.

  • es20490446e

    Guys, people breaking up this often cannot be good...

  • winterfox10

    It took a break up for you to realize that?

  • Retelion14

    I dont know

  • Anonymous

    Nice take ❤

  • Anonymous

    Your takes are getting sadder and sadder, no offense but I thought you would have been better after dumping your girlfriend.
    Your friends aren't lackeys, it your girlfriend whos an unstable bitch.
    Why do you keep supporting her?
    And please don't become distrustful of other women because of your girlfriend, that's plain wrong and disrespectful and there are lots of amazing women out there that will support your goals and you'll support theirs.
    So don't give up

    • I'm not distrustful, but you'll understand that even if I wanted to break up I'm still akin to a hurt animal and I need some time to stay on my own and lick my wounds.

    • Anonymous

      You are hurt but a good woman can help you mend your wounds

    • mateynine

      the only woman who has ever supported me while feeling down would be my mother...
      most girls would do anything to avoid having to listen to a guy talk about his problems, lol

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