Is the idea of self-love increasingly foreign to you? Do you feel as if you can't get excited about anything, can't get motivated to do anything, and can't seem to look yourself in the mirror?
In short, would you say you're pretty miserable? Well, so was Gala Darling (yep, that's her real name, though she wasn't born with it); a New Zealand transplant who now lives in New York and is an author, teacher and speaker. She pushed through her own obstacles - she talks about them below; they include depression, anxiety and an eating disorder - and currently seeks to help women "fall in love with themselves." Her first book, "Radical Self Love: A Guide To Loving Yourself and Living Your Dream," was self-published and became a #1 Amazon bestseller; it was then picked up by Hay House and the new edition released in February.
Gala is also the co-founder of The Blogcademy, a class that helps you improve your blog, and has been called "a spiritual revolutionary," "the oracle of things mystically glam," and "a modern-day guru." She has been featured in multiple publications, including The New York Times, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Time Out New York, The Daily Telegraph, Inked Magazine, Stuff, and many more, and her interviews have appeared on CBS, ABC News and Hay House Radio.
And we figured she'd be perfect to talk to because we see so many questions that essentially revolve around the concept of "finding yourself" or simply finding the motivation to better your life.
GaG: Self-esteem seems to be a big problem among teens and Millennials. Why do you think this is?
Gala: “I think every generation is affected by this but for different reasons. It’s a constant ongoing battle for many of us; for example, I read an article that determined our self-esteem levels hinge on how we compare ourselves to a parent of the same sex. So, if your mother didn’t really achieve very much and your life is going along better, you’ll feel good about yourself. But if she did well, owned several businesses or something like that, then you won’t feel good at all.
We also compare ourselves to our peers with social media. But we’re seeing it like a highlight reel of their lives; we’re only seeing the bright spots, and this changes how we interact with people online. It just isn’t realistic. You can remedy this by being with people out in reality, interacting with them face to face.”
GaG: It can be hard to do that, though, can’t it?
Gala: “Absolutely, yes. I read in the Times that we have a very insular economy where we can do just about anything online, and we’re actually choosing to avoid social interactions because it’s easier and more convenient. But it makes you socially inept and unfortunately, I’ve had to deal with that as well.
I’m a writer and I work from home, so if I don’t leave I really only see my boyfriend. I have to make the effort to go out and be with people. But you have to do this because if you don’t, the next time you’re at a party, you won’t have the ability to strike up a real conversation.
We have social anxiety about things today that ten years ago wouldn’t have been a big deal. Even for me now, I can be a little anxious about going out just because I don’t put myself in those situations regularly enough.”
GaG: How important is self-image and how does that impact your day-to-day life?
Gala: “Self-image is everything. The way you feel about yourself reflects on everyone; you’ll advertise it to other people and you’ll attract people who want to capitalize or take advantage of low self-esteem. That’s why you always hear millions of stories about girls with low self-esteem who keep attracting jerks. How you see yourself is just super important and it also ties into what we were saying about social media.
One of the things we really need to do to have healthy relationships is get comfortable in our own company. And when I say that, I don’t mean staying home and being alone.
I’m talking about going out by yourself and not looking at your phone (or, if you’re brave enough, leaving it at home), and interacting with the world.
When you can do that, you’re not desperate to have a partner, and you don’t always need constant attention from everyone else. It changes how people react to you as well.”
GaG: What exactly is “radical self love” and how does it work?
Gala: “Radical self love is about treating yourself the way you would treat a friend. Maybe your best friend drives you crazy; she’s always dating this guy who’s totally wrong for her or something like that. But you never tell her off, you never tell her she’s stupid; you’re just encouraging and loving. And that’s the way we should treat ourselves. It’s just so easy to be hard on ourselves and critical and judgmental but this doesn’t work, so you need to try a new tactic.
It’s all about taking chances and risks, but you can only do this once you feel good about yourself.
That’s the best thing about loving yourself: You feel you have the courage to try things you wouldn’t have tried before.
So do what I said before; go out by yourself – I call them ‘radical self love dates’ – because you’ll learn very important skills that you can continue to develop.”
GaG: You say you were miserable when you were younger; was there a tipping point when you said to yourself, “I have to fix this”?
Gala: “I wish that had happened but actually, I had a boyfriend who was into aggressive self-help. He’d do anything if he thought it would improve himself and he discovered this thing called ‘tapping.’ He kept nagging me to try it; it’s basically like acupuncture without needles. It combines pressure with psychology and the idea is that when you have an emotional or physical problem, it’s because there’s energy blocked at various meridian points in the body. By tapping on that point, you can change your body’s reaction to things.
I thought it sounded like complete nonsense but then I tried it. I’d always have an asthma attack whenever going to catch the morning bus in the cold; I’d have to use my inhaler. So I tapped one night and the next day, it was amazing, I didn’t need the inhaler at all. I was like, ‘oh my God, this is amazing.’
And it’s not like it was in my head; my lungs started to work of their own accord, so I started to use this technique to tackle my eating disorder, anxiety, anything I thought was a hindrance to me. I ended up tapping for probably a year and a half.
It really helped me create a very solid foundation, so I am where I am now: I have a lot of self-confidence and self-belief, and it’s because of this combination of tapping and radical self-love practices. It was really the Holy Grail for me.”
GaG: What would you say to someone who is very tentative when approaching life, and afraid of taking chances?
Gala: “Honestly, I’d say stop the bullshit; you’re only going to live once. If you don’t value your life, what’s the point? There’s so much to get excited about, though I know it can be hard to generate those feelings. You might be feeling sad about everything. In that case, just find one little thing to get excited about; a band you like, a trip you’re going to take, and focus on that one thing to propel yourself forward. Then, encourage yourself to make the changes you really want to make. You just start small. Find that one thing that lights you up and if you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Allow yourself to explore and discover, and allow yourself to be inspired.
My father gave me a really good piece of advice: ‘Every day, all you need is something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.’ The bottom line is that we think our brains are so powerful, that we can think our way through things.
But sitting inside and pondering doesn’t actually help you that much. In my experience, when I take a risk and I don’t really know what I’m going to do next, that’s when the best things happen. If you just allow yourself to do this, it can be really transformative.”
End Interview
Many thanks to Gala for lending her time, and we guarantee this can help a lot of young women out there. The advice should prove useful to just about everyone, though, in regards to simply getting out there and living life, as opposed to "living" it sitting at home, gazing into a screen. To follow Gala, check her out on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.
And remember, keep your chin up...literally and figuratively. ;)
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