Today I volunteered for a School Drive. I sorted and counted school supplies. At the end of sorting we were told each volunteer could take school supplies. So when I was picking up stuff I noticed I didn't have room in this backpack. Little did I know I was putting school supplies in the laptop shelves rather the places where you can put books. So, I told my mom don't worry I'll get another backpack. But instead of the staff lady saying, "oh sweet you can't get another bag," she literally embarrassed me and told me I am trying to steal from kids that need books for school.
I wanted to scream and call her a bitch. Instead I put everything back and put my head down. I am so fuckin upset. I can't stand when people all of a sudden think or assume we are stealing without knowing the situation. Like I think I am going to have to report to the school board. Like what the fuck!? Why would I want steal from others? I work and go to school and I deal with my issues! I respect this school; 'it's the school I lived in for 10 straight years! What the fuck would I be stealing for! I just can't stand the humiliation to have someone assume that I am stealing from children.
Maybe it's one of my core beliefs that confirms that I am worthless and doing something very wrong. I wish she didn't ruin my experience. I really do. I get yelled at everyday all day by customers. I didn't need this today on my day off. I don't understand how greedy and evil a person can be. My backpack didn't even look huge or packed. I don't understand why I didn't yell maybe I was afraid I would get punished or that I would have to deal with more hurt. I don't understand why the other staff just watched as I got humiliated and talked down to like I was stupid. I can't believe I experienced this of all places I was expecting it to be while I was volunteering.
Oh, Why couldn't I fuck explain myself better instead of saying I need another backpack. Why didn't she notice what I noticed later that I was putting everything in the backpack shelves. I have this weird urge to come at her with my word and see her again. I don't understand society and how it works. I don't understand how those types of people exist and reproduce. Ugh! I am not sure what I am going to do with these feelings. I wish I didn't feel gross inside. Or guilty. I want to take my pain and numb myself away. I want hide under a blanket and never let the light in! If I could have it my way I would give up trying and just live outdoors and look up at the clear blue sky.
The way I see it society is always looking for a bad guy! Someone to blame for other misfortunes. Someone to attack. Well Fuck that! I better than that or what others expect people to be like. Not ever person is criminal. So of us come from hard proud working family. I know I was raised better than that.