What It Takes to be a "Real Man"


I'm just gonna get to the point. This is what I consider a real man.

1. He should be 10 feet tall

Tall guys are more manly. They can show dominance over other men using their height and make you feel protected. Not to mention, their babies will be tall too.

What It Takes to be a "Real Man"

2. He should be able to lift 2 tons

The days when people say "A man should be able to carry his woman!" are over. Men now should be able to carry at least 260 women on their shoulders. Strength is another sign of manliness because as I said above, it makes you feel protected. Men with strong muscles are also better to look at.

3. He should have a beard this long

Maintaining a beard that long shows that he can also take good care of his family.

What It Takes to be a "Real Man"

4. He should have slept with at least 22 billion women

I know that's more than the world's population, but I still think it's reasonable. I want a man who knows what he's doing.

5. He should be 18 inches down there

Go big or go home.

What It Takes to be a "Real Man"

6. He should have taken care of all of his enemies

A real man knows how to protect his family. And if that means beating all of his enemies in a fair fight and even killing them if needed, so be it.

7. He owns literally all of the wealth in the world

I need a man who can provide for me. He needs to be so rich that even cultures that don't have a concept for money would sell everything they have to him. If he can't even do that, gtfo!

What It Takes to be a "Real Man"

For those of you that didn't get this already, yes this is indeed satire. For the men who really try to live up to these standards, good luck and try not to hurt yourself.

What It Takes to be a "Real Man"
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Guy

Most Helpful Girl

  • Jxpxtxr
    I wanna put an emphasise on #3! Merlin-Beards are SOOOO important, it really hurts to witness their increasing disappearance from every day life!
    Is this still revelant?
    • Jxpxtxr


    • LadyTerror

      Yes. And fun to play with too

    • Jxpxtxr

      Omg yes! All the cute little braids you can make and flowers you can put into them <3

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • martyfellow
    Chuckle, that's what ost of the 13 year old here believe. But mostly, US girls are really 98% concerned only with #7, following the money
    • LadyTerror

      Well I don't care about it right now but I might when I'm older. But even then, he only needs to make enough to support himself.

  • JudgmentDay
    I think that there might be extraterrestrials that "appears totally human" probably or might be able to meet many if not all of those requirements lol, I think that male extraterrestrials most definitely have really really really really really long and big penises and would most definitely dealt with all of their enemies by now and of course a very very very very long beard too!

    It was a fun take to read and laugh it sure made my day already.
  • Yumix
    uff... I was afraid that you have too high expectations, but with these I can 100% safely say...

  • Amuro
    Yeah I love this list it's pretty hilarious. The first one pretty much gives it away how trollish and not serious you are.

    Could you answer my question.

  • iyatsu
    i'm sorry many men in the comment section lack the only thing it doesn't really take to be a real man: brains. but from a mentally sound person (well, i try) to another, may i ask you how we're supposed not to live up to those standards? don't you think we would all take a break if we, well, could at all, without being considered shit by all of society
    • LadyTerror

      I said in the end that this is satire. This take isn't meant to be taken seriously

    • iyatsu

      you said: "For the men who really try to live up to these standards, good luck and try not to hurt yourself". so i asked how are we supposed NOT to live up to those standards?

    • LadyTerror

      Just don't try. It's pointless and pretty much impossible

  • yellowgirl00d
    Great take but don't you think 18 inches is a little to short?
    • LadyTerror

      I realized that after I wrote the take

    • Might wanna re think how much he can lift as well. I don't think he can lift my dad's car... My dad would kill me if he saw me bring home a weak guy like that.

  • mikemx55
    pfftt... only 18 inches? I mean.. at least go for 20...
    • LadyTerror

      Yes. Time to increase my standards

    • Hwlsop

      You joke but there are women that have sex with horses. lol

    • mikemx55

      @Hwlsop Yeah lol...

      Ehm... I mean.. I've head about it, not that I watch those things 😇

    • Show All
  • PlainJane86
    "Men now should be able to carry at least 260 women on their shoulders"
    Probably the funniest thing I've read today. This was great, thank you. xD
    • Also, is #1 a giant statue of Scott Baio?

    • LadyTerror

      Thanks! And I'm not sure. I was just looking for a tall man on google and that came up XD

  • sweetshyguy
    Lol if that were true 99.99% of males in this world are just weak losers very far from being "real men" but i know you're joking but just in case, you can make fun of me i'm just 5 feet and 10 inches tall, i can't grow a proper beard, i can only lift a 130 pounds girl and my dick is just 5 inches ohh and i'm incredibly shy around women.
  • enis_Penvy
    I'm at 21.5 billion women, can we grade on a curve so I can get my "Real Man" badge?
    • LadyTerror

      Sure thing. But you'll have higher expectations on some of the other aspects of the test

  • YourName123
    I like the exxageration, but the tide seems to be going the other way. It seems now we encourage a man to stay in his pj's all day, can't change a tire, has no job and stays a virgin till he's 40
    • LadyTerror

      More like we're encouraging men to do whatever they want. Sometimes it's not necessarily the right thing but sometimes it's better than it used to be. Depends on how you look at it.

    • I think it was better when we coached them to be productive protective and honorable. Better for everyone.

  • Splintercell
    Sorry but most of your thoughts are superficial. To sleep with many many women, come on. That tells me alone he doesn't take relationships serious. Yes strength is good but not everything.
    • LadyTerror

      You know I wasn't being serious right? Most of these are practically impossible.

    • Oh ha ha oops. I though so, but wasn't sure.

  • fenixx0083
    Oh my god... do you have any idea how much of a burden an 18" dick is? I can't find clothes that I don't have to squish into lest I go with boxers and pants so otherwise oversized they fall right down my non-existent man-hips... ... at this point I'm considering suspenders... Plus the back problems...

    But do you know what the worst part is? Nobody will have sex with me! They're all, "no! I thought you were kidding, that'll ruin my vagina for any other man!" I mean, C'mon! What happened to good, old-fashioned comittment? They just want (or at least *think* they want) to use me for my body, like just because I have a huge dick I must be some kind of slut!

    It's infuriating!

    And by the way, if you don't realize this is also satire, shouldn't you be wearing a helmet and shoving crayons up your nose?
    • LadyTerror

      Lol :D

    • fenixx0083

      That *was* satire, right?

    • LadyTerror

      Yeah it was... Or was it? 😈

    • Show All
  • tyrantfuryre
    Whether you write a serious take on this or a joke one, you have NO IDEA what it takes to be a man. SO SIT DOWN.
  • takumii
    Checked.. Have all of that. If you have Z cup boobs we can marry.
  • Dark_Scorpio
    I came it thinking "Oh great! More feminist bullshit about home men are supposed to be." Then I read number 1 and was sure if this was serious because I've read some bullshit like that that some women believed, but after reading a bit more i figured it was a joke. XD
  • Dipsy
    1. Pfff 10 feet is nothing. He should at least be double in height

    2. 260 women = 2 tons (2000 kg). Kinda heavily anorexic women. Men should be able to lift at least 2 tons of hippos.

    3. The beard should be 20 feet aswell, like his height.

    4. Also should sleep with alien women, not only earthlings

    5. 18 inches? More like twenny feet

    6. Everyone who dares to even look in his eyes. Bam. Face punch. Bam 360 roundhouse kick.

    7. Yeah he must also own people. Have everyone serve him, bring him offerings to an altar in the middle of a volcano

    That's what I call a man
    • LadyTerror

      You... I like you!

    • Two tons of hippos... As though that's a different weight than two tons of women...

  • RedThread
    So where do I sign up for the position of boyfriend?
    • LadyTerror

      You'll have to travel the world to find that out :/

    • RedThread

      Hey I'll make it happen lol

  • anonman32
    my beard is not that long, that must mean i am woman then.
  • GrapeJuice
    Shut up, and you should learn how to be a real woman before you go out making requests.
  • NateBenck
    At first when I was reading the first condition I was about to say that you have a very shallow definition of being a "Real Man" but then when I continued on reading I realized you're joking. Funny Mytake though.
  • admles
    18 inches?

    I'm sorry but I'm not cutting off 6 inches for anyone!
  • Hwlsop
    How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
    • LadyTerror

      Every one that exists on Earth

    • Hwlsop

      Oh good the answer's not blowin' in the wind anymore. lol

  • Toad-1
    I do all that plus I shoot bolts of lightning out of my arse 😎
  • PT1911
    you forgot the most important aspect.

    Look good while doing it
  • peachblossomluck
    Surely this is how Donald Trump thinks of himself lol.
  • Crumbles
    Haha, all the but-hurt dudes who didn't bother to read the take :) Such ignorance.
  • GirlNextBored
    18 inches? NO THANK YOU!
    I'll just stick to my regular 15 inches and go home 😮
  • SinisterS
    You forgot he should be immortal and indestructible but 100000% truth and nothing but truth... En even if he is all this girls will find reason why he is zero or below zero...
  • shawnski
    1. CHECK!
    2. CHECK
    3. fuck no lol
    4. I have no game. I'm just S. O. L
    5. I feel a growth spurt coming any day
    6. CHECK
    7. I'm doing ok.
    Yup I'm a badass lmao
  • AllThatSweetJazz
    Can confirm. True facts. 10000% Legit. Go home 9 foot tall manlets.
  • astrOnaut01
    Nice take. I actually got a good chuckle out of this lol
  • ADFSDF1996
    I see you left out "satire" in the title😄. I knew it was a satire from reading the first one.
  • Nuala
    I don't know girl... I think you're setting your expectations to low.
  • ModernDayCrusader
    This was amazing <3
    I am glad to know I at least fit two of these criteria
  • Kuraj
    For a moment I got scared.
    But thankfully, it looks like I meet all these requirements just fine.
  • bloodmountain1990
    Haha great satire take. Funny how there's people who still get angry about this.
  • Pacificblue62
    Best of luck finding your "real man" lol Maybe you can find him at the local circus or zoo.
  • UglyButHonorable
    1st picture is Sultan who is Turkish. Tallest man on earth I am proud actually :D
  • TheTruthHurtsImSorry
    Good thing no one listens to women.

    They seriously have something wrong in their craniums.
    • LadyTerror

      Bothered to read the take?

    • Yes, bother to read mine?

      This time read between the lines.

    • LadyTerror

      Clearly you didn't

    • Show All
  • blustar
    Wow, you have high standards. I'd never date you
    • LadyTerror

      I'm not sure if you read till the end but if that's you in the pic, I wouldn't date you. You have a long tongue and dog ears.

    • blustar

      How can you reject me when i rejected you already...

      Whatever makes you feel better

    • LadyTerror

      You didn't reject me since I was never interested. All you said is that you wouldn't date me, and the feeling is mutual

    • Show All
  • ProbablyTooMature
    Hahaha. Well I'm at about 5/7...
  • Library
    Great satire. This is funny Lmao
  • Bvroon
    Nice satire. :-)
  • alexkarad
    This is one of the best posts I've ever seen.
  • plinkett
    You want to marry god then?
    • LadyTerror

      More like Satan 😈 (even though Satan doesn't have a beard)

    • plinkett

      Try Thor. He's all that, minus bitching about how God is mean and unfair.

    • LadyTerror

      Oh yes. Why didn't I think of him?

  • Mustachekitteh
    lel XD
  • Zorax
    Very amusing Take :D