Society & Politics

Worst things About Being Welsh

Just a fun mytake on the shitty side of living in my tiny country Wales (or whales if your Trump)

The language.

Bottom translation I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated a mistake caused when sign writers copied an out of office email reply
Bottom translation "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated" a mistake caused when sign writers copied an out of office email reply

Contrary to popular belief Welsh words are very easy to pronounce as it is a phonetic language. In English you don't know how to pronounce WIND if you see it written on it's own but in welsh you always can even if you haven't heard the word spoken. All very well if you're welsh like me but everyone else gets intimidated by it. If you don't know to pronounce the letter dd (yep we have double letters) as th or W as oo (cwrw=cooroo= beer)then your pretty fucked. As for CH just imagine saying CH as in choir whilst being deepthroated.

Then there's the grammar police. If you struggle with the differences in English between too, to and two or there their they're or a and an you're really going to hate welsh. We have mutations which means the spelling of a word changes according to a set of rules, well actually over 30 different rules. For example pig mochyn becomes fochyn (which you pronounce fucking just to annoy your teacher). As for simply saying yes or no that's a weeks worth of lessons trying to teach people all the different ways.

To make it worse there's different versions of welsh. North Wales, south wales, standard and Wenglish which really annoys the purists. As for calling your microwave (meicrodon) a Popty Ping or jelly fish a pysgod wibbly wobbly we only do that for the tourists or to annoy people. Hoffi coffi ceased being funny years ago.

Then there's the autocorrect problem. My phone has both English and welsh spellings on it and will randomly pick the wrong one making me look like a retard, mecanic, eliffant, dolffin, even the word in keeps getting changed to i'n.

In short the language is too hard for anyone to want to learn it and our grammar police scare off anyone who tries.

The weather.

Worst things About Being Welsh

Wales is the piss pot of the UK. We get more than our fair share of rain and it always seems to bucket down when you want to do anything. Then when you suddenly get a sunny day the entire world flocks to your favourite beach. Contrary to what my GAG fans think I'm rarely dressed in some skimpy sexy outfit but mostly look like I should be on a fishing trawler.

The food.

A traditional welsh breakfast, which urban dictionary defines as a blowjob but hear I mean an actual breakfast contains laverbread mixed with cockles. If you can imagine Shrek having a wank, blowing his nose into it then sprinkling it with sand you'll get a understanding of it's vileness. Everyone hates it until you reach a certain age then magically like it.

I wonder why guys I bring home never stay for brecwast
I wonder why guys I bring home never stay for brecwast

Faggots are everywhere much to the amusement of tourists. They're meatballs that have been spoilt by the addition of liver and usually served with the abomination that is mushy peas. Most famously there's cawl which is a soup of lamb, leek and mixed root vegetables that is incredibly simple yet so often turns out like dish water with grissly fatty lamb and vegetables ranging from raw potatoes to overcooked carrot (moron, our language even insults vegetables) all in same bowl.

Dish water with stuff floating in it
Dish water with stuff floating in it

Then there's welshcakes, a bit like the English scone but flatter, sweeter and softer that we eat by the bucket load. Along with our ice-cream obsession they account for our national obesity crisis and short lifespan. Visit any house and there's a pile of the things some housewife has knocked up like it's some sort of therapy. Don't even think about refusing to eat anything less than 12 of the things.

Eat them all or the deranged housewife will cry
Eat them all or the deranged housewife will cry

And if you make them, which you will because it's the law or in the bible I'm not sure, don't even consider being creative with alternative fillings or you'll be burnt at the stake as a witch.

This bitch was dared to put cinnamon in her welsh cakes. She wont do that again
This bitch was dared to put cinnamon in her welsh cakes. She won't do that again

We're all hobbits.

Ever wonder what a real welsh person looks like just watch the lord of the rings. The shire is a petty good replica of a typical welsh village and it's male inhabitants. Our diminutive stature is handy because of our little hobbit homes have small doors and low ceilings. Wales is also a tiny country so we need to be small. Interestingly welsh men are well hung and their lack of height makes it look bigger. https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/news/865563/david-hasselhoff-wales-like-hobbit-land/

Even the supermarkets jump on the flag waving craze
Even the supermarkets jump on the flag waving craze

We're all obsessed with flags and dragons

One thing that Europeans find amusing about Americans is how they constantly wrap themselves in the American flag. It's flown everywhere and put on every product. Even when an American emigrates to Europe the first thing he does on buying a house is erect a flag pole to fly it. The welsh are almost just as bad and stick our flag on just about everything. As for dragons you'll seen them everywhere too, should science ever produce a real one we'll all want them as pets. Every company wishing to promote its product in wales just whacks a picture of a dragon on the package.

The exception is during sporting events when England is playing. During such times we switch nationality to the opposing side even flying their flag.

Everyone is obsessed with rugby

Rugby is a bit like American football just not gay. Even I play rugby. We've all left the pub at night and decided to play drunk midnight street rugby with a ball thats magically appeared. The problem is sooner or later every conversation gets dominated by it. Rugby is the go to conversation starter or what you turn to when you don't know what else to say.

We're not a real country

Millions died because of this comment in the resulting war
Millions died because of this comment in the resulting war

Mention wales and somebody will pipe up it's not a real country it's only a Principality. We haven't been a principality since the 16th century yet people insist on making the claim. Every now and then some celebrity makes the error and all shit breaks loose, thank fuck we don't have nukes or that big red button is gonna get pushed.

Worst things About Being Welsh
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