The World's Funniest G-Rated Humor

SENIORS SPEED TOO

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal down even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper ...I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

ONE MUST ALWAYS BE SURE

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter in a panic pulls out his cell phone and dials 911.

“My friend just collapsed, I don't think he is going to make it!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he is dead.”

The phone goes silence, then the operator hears a loud shot.

The hunter gets back on the phone and says ..."OK I'm sure! Now what do I do?”

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

TRUE DEDUCTION

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."


"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot ...someone has stolen our tent!"

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

MY DAILY PRAYER

"So far today, God, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, snotty or selfish and I am feeling so proud of myself ...but in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on out I'm probably going to need a lot more help!"

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

A TRUE STORY

A Kentucky State Trooper on the ground working with a Helicopter in the air was pulling people over for speeding on the state highway.

He pulled over a speeding car and approached the elderly gentleman driving without mentioning the helicopter.

"Did you know you were doing 80 miles an hour down this interstate?" he asked. "No sir, I don't believe I was going that fast".

"I will have to differ with you", the office replied while pointing up, "the man up there said you were".

The driver looked a little startled and said, Well, I have been a minister for 50 years now, and if he said I was doing it, then I was doing it."

The officer said he was so tickled by the response that he just told him to slow down and be on his way.

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

SHORTS

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut

"A Friend of mine told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why?...but I had to shoot him first"

"I know a tough neighborhood that put up a sign saying, 'Drive Fast, The Life You Save May Be Your Own!'" ~Rodney Dangerfield

"Seven year old to teacher: 'I don't want to scare you, but my father said if I don't start getting better grades, somebody's going to get a spanking'" ~Encore

As developed by a Female for a Male; "If at first you don't succeed, try looking in the wastebasket for the directions"

Success to a man is to earn more than a woman can spend. Success to a woman is to find such a man"

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

COMPLETE AND FINISHED...

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world; Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here was his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!"

He obtained 1st place, got uncontrollable drop to the floor laughter with a standing ovation which lasted for over 5 minutes, and won an all expenses paid trip around the world!

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor

WIFE RESCUES HUSBAND

One day a female reporter was walking down the street of an old western town in the rain and saw a donkey suddenly pounce upon a man with his wife standing right next to him.


The wife, thinking quickly, began to savagely beat the donkey over the head, again and again, with her umbrella to try and save her disoriented husband from the onslaught of the beast.


The female reporter, in a fit of elation and glee, seeing that there was finally some excitement in her small town, didn't spare a second getting back to her media office.


The next morning in the daily paper were the FRONT PAGE HEADLINES:

"WOMAN BEATS ASS OFF HUSBAND WITH UMBRELLA!"

I hope you liked my G-Rated humor and your day may be just a little bit brighter today :)

I LOVE YOU!

The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor
The Worlds Funniest G-Rated Humor
The World's Funniest G-Rated Humor
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Most Helpful Girl

  • kymberz
    YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY-FRICKIN-OVER-THE-TOP-SUGARY-BUTTER-POPTART-WONDERFUL-AWESOMESAUCE-INCREDIBLE-SMART&FUNNY!!!

    gurl you are too good to be true! that's why i'm suspecting you might be Satan cuz Rob Thomas is already Jesus so do you prefer Satan or Lucifer? bahahahahahahha! you killed me with all of the jokes - i really enjoyed the first one and the God one but the watson&holmes? i spit actual corn kernals all over my computer screen! so i am never reading you with food in my mouth again. no way. nuh-ah. not gonna do it! man you are funny! thank you so much and i love you, too!
    Is this still revelant?
    • You always tickle me Ms Kym... thank you! :)

    • kymberz

      bahahahahah! best answer yet!

    • kymberz

      like did i just win the lottery? like 10 million bucks? i will share it with the world and promise to make it a better place! THANK YOU SO MUCH for Most Helpful Girl! you just made my whole day and month and year! so thank you very much!

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

517
  • DeeDeeDeVour

    "Watson, you idiot... someone has stolen our tent!"

  • LOL. Thanks, Laurie. Brightened my day.

    So the pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally he’s a bit rusty so he’s driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute” and he goes back to his car to radio the chief.

    Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

    Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

    Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

    Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

    Cop: “More important, sir.”

    Chief: “A major politician?

    Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

    Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT?”

    Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”
    • ... lol

      Thank you for that one Mr Lliam!

    • You're welcome. Glad to contribute. :-)

  • Awsome, you are amazing. The complete/finished was right on!:)
    • Thank you, that one was one of my favorites as well :)

  • myd_nudie
    Thanks for sharing buddy, because of this post I smiled and laughed a little, thank you
  • Zoi02
    Good One I grew up on Bugs bunny. My favorite is Wylie E. coyote.
    • Thank you. I still love some cartoons too. So glad you liked it!
      The World's Funniest G-Rated Humor

    • Zoi02

      Yes Super Genius.

  • AlexBlack007
    The second joke's my favorite! The moment I read "let's make sure he is dead" I knew exactly what was going to happen but it's so hilarious I'm still laughing! 😆
  • Behind every good man is a woman rolling her eyes. 😂
    • Behind every successful man is an astonished woman. Haha. That's a line I heard in a movie.

  • Massageman
    Some great humor. Goes to prove that good humor does NOT have to be dirty humor!
  • Sensmind
    Some very good ones in there - Well done
  • 😂😂 funny take! 👏👏
  • MadBoy
    G-Rated humor! *Someone gets shot* ... PG-13 rated humor!
  • bulletbob555
    Where on 75 would the traffic be thin enough to go that fast?
  • SecretGardenBlood65
    Good take
  • ZackBan
    You should consider a career in comedy it seems
  • LexyIsSexy23
    I loved it!
  • NightOwl8801
    Ha , these made me laugh.
    Love these funnies
  • Deku2009
    lol this is always true
  • ivbnlknfru
    Lmafo...🤣🤣🤣
    • ivbnlknfru

      Sometimes silly humor is the best...🤣

  • CaptainSmartass
    Nice one. Proper made me laugh.

    Simples...
  • MysteriousDarkness
    I first heard all of these around 20 years ago.
  • jon28805
    Hahaha, those made me laugh!
  • I can't say some were good some a bit to dry humor
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