SENIORS SPEED TOO
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal down even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper ...I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
ONE MUST ALWAYS BE SURE
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter in a panic pulls out his cell phone and dials 911.
“My friend just collapsed, I don't think he is going to make it!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he is dead.”
The phone goes silence, then the operator hears a loud shot.
The hunter gets back on the phone and says ..."OK I'm sure! Now what do I do?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot ...someone has stolen our tent!"
MY DAILY PRAYER
"So far today, God, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, snotty or selfish and I am feeling so proud of myself ...but in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on out I'm probably going to need a lot more help!"
A TRUE STORY
A Kentucky State Trooper on the ground working with a Helicopter in the air was pulling people over for speeding on the state highway.
He pulled over a speeding car and approached the elderly gentleman driving without mentioning the helicopter.
"Did you know you were doing 80 miles an hour down this interstate?" he asked. "No sir, I don't believe I was going that fast".
"I will have to differ with you", the office replied while pointing up, "the man up there said you were".
The driver looked a little startled and said, Well, I have been a minister for 50 years now, and if he said I was doing it, then I was doing it."
The officer said he was so tickled by the response that he just told him to slow down and be on his way.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut
"A Friend of mine told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why?...but I had to shoot him first"
"I know a tough neighborhood that put up a sign saying, 'Drive Fast, The Life You Save May Be Your Own!'" ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Seven year old to teacher: 'I don't want to scare you, but my father said if I don't start getting better grades, somebody's going to get a spanking'" ~Encore
As developed by a Female for a Male; "If at first you don't succeed, try looking in the wastebasket for the directions"
Success to a man is to earn more than a woman can spend. Success to a woman is to find such a man"
COMPLETE AND FINISHED...
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world; Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here was his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!"
He obtained 1st place, got uncontrollable drop to the floor laughter with a standing ovation which lasted for over 5 minutes, and won an all expenses paid trip around the world!
WIFE RESCUES HUSBAND
One day a female reporter was walking down the street of an old western town in the rain and saw a donkey suddenly pounce upon a man with his wife standing right next to him.
The wife, thinking quickly, began to savagely beat the donkey over the head, again and again, with her umbrella to try and save her disoriented husband from the onslaught of the beast.
The female reporter, in a fit of elation and glee, seeing that there was finally some excitement in her small town, didn't spare a second getting back to her media office.
The next morning in the daily paper were the FRONT PAGE HEADLINES:
"WOMAN BEATS ASS OFF HUSBAND WITH UMBRELLA!"
I hope you liked my G-Rated humor and your day may be just a little bit brighter today :)
I LOVE YOU!