What is wrong with me? Am I a lower tier African American black lady?

[missamanda123]

What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever get the guy that I wanted? Every crush always results in heartbreak for me. The better looking guys whether he's black or white, show me some interest, maybe out of pity, then ditch and ignore me for a lighterskinned woman.

The whole online interracial dating movement that encourages black women to date out because of the dwindling pool of Black men is just a fraud. I was really convinced that if I opened my options to other races of men, I would find more success. They even fed me the lie that they preferred darkerskinned Black women. Which is a load of B.S. While taking courses at my university, while the white & Arab guys were not necessarily trying to always date the lighter toned African American women, they certainly were more inclined to socialize with them more, and had no issues with exchanging phone numbers to meet up for group study and other college work related activities. However, they were less likely to do this with me and other darker complected, less racially mixed black women like me. They were not as open to socializing and were somewhat flaky and distant. It angered and discouraged me from even wanting to continue my educational courses. I felt like it really just affected my value and quality of life.

The few non black guys who noticed me were flaky and liked to toy with me. They'd show romantic interest, and then ignore me. I remember this happening in one of my science courses. A non black guy was very interested, wanted to hold my books and escort me to my seat, and then BAM the next day he never spoke to me again. I would speak to him and he'd never reply. I was invisible. It was like I didn't exist. It hurt so bad. I guess someone told him it's not ok to talk to black girls like me. This pattern has repeated itself a few more times. The non black guys toy with me, make me think they are interested, and then cruelly ignore me for no apparent reason. I'll see them chatting with a fairskin African American or non black girl. It's enough to make me go into a rage. I want to physically hurt them. I'm not even worth a platonic friendship? However they have no problem establishing platonic relationships with lighter toned black girls. It's slightly more socially acceptable to be seen with them than me

I guess I'm just a darkskinned lower caste African American woman. I have no value and it doesn't matter if you toy or hurt my feelings because Im inferior and not their equal. I'm not much of a prize to men. I could always just settle for a short, or really overweight African American guy, but I don't want to have kids with him. I dont want my daughter to experiene the pain and rejection I go through for being too black looking. It's the worst feeling you can ever imagine. I have absolutely no motivation in life.

[HikerDude]

I'm afraid that you're coming up against a long history of segregation of both the legal and social kind. Black women and white men especially have not mixed to any degree during any part of this nation's history. This separation had engendered a mistrust that persists to this day, and one that will likely continue into the foreseeable future.

Part of the divide that keeps black women and white men apart is a fundamental mistrust of the motives of the other. So black women aren't sure if white men want to use them for fetishist sex, and white men aren't sure if black women don't want to use them as a means of revenge against the wave of black men dating non-black women.

Many white guys simply believe that black women aren't attracted to us. I grew up in schools that had significant black enrollments, and I never once encountered a black girl who was the least bit interested in any white guy. This made strong impression on me, and I still don't really believe that white guys are anything other than a second choice to black women.

There are other reasons, but these are a few of the reasons why white men aren't eager to start dating black women. Beyond personal preference, mistrust is the primary obstacle here.

I wish you well in your life.

[missamanda123]

what are the other reasons you don't want to date us?

I know you mentioned that you never encountered a black girl who was interested in white guys, but my situation is different. I did show interest, and it didn't get me anywhere

[HikerDude]

Just personal preference. Some white guys aren't into black women. But enough are that it wouldn't be an issue if the mistrust weren't in the way. I would never take a black girl seriously in dating, mostly because I would think I was a fallback choice for her. I've never heard a black girl every express any attraction to a white guy, be it a celebrity, athlete, or anyone else. I'd feel like maybe she was trying to escape something by marrying a non-black guy.

[missamanda123]

It sounds like you don't value black women at all. You dont even take our preferences into consideration

[HikerDude]

What? How did anything I wrote lead you to the conclusion that I "don't value black women"? I just told you that I would feel like a second option of a black girl. Am I not entitled to my feelings?

[missamanda123]

When you stated you don't take black girls 'seriously', that obviously means you don't place much value on us at all. You think we are this monolithic group with all the same values and preferences. Some black women really do prefer white men. It's truly possible. We are just as diverse as any other group

[HikerDude]

Everyone is entitled to their feelings. If you weren't attracted to white men, it would be your prerogative to never date one. The reasons are you own. Similarly, my reasons for not wanting to date a black woman are my own. As I stated, I think black women only gravitate to white guys as a second option. You can tell me I'm wrong, but ultimately it's my right to believe that.

[missamanda123]

Yes, you are very entitled when you think you can speak for black women.

You are NOT black women's mouthpiece nor are you inside of our head. It is not your place to speak for us and our reasons for dating black or white men. Please know your place, your white privilege ends HERE.

[BigJake]

LOL at the racial dating nazis. There are plenty of girls out there who won't date white guys (including most black girls), but it's WRONG for a guy to prefer to date non-black girls. Seems like anything a white guy does nowadays gets labeled as racist by the overweening race-baiters who think that black people deserve to have everything their way.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

I'm not trying to discount your experiences, but how do you know its your complexion? I personally know girls darker than me who get lots of attention from guys and are considered badd. I heard that different parts of the country are different when it comes to color, but from what I see a pretty dark skinned woman isn't blocked out because of her complexion. It's not just for the light skinned girls, lots of guys love brown and dark girls too.

[LittleMissGriff]

I'm probably going to be one of the few people who says thing - but yes, your skin unfortunately has some to do with what's happening. In general, the world tends to treat fairer skinned people better - I'm not just talking about white. I'm talking fairer at all. Heaven knows why that's been, but it's been recorded through history and it's a load of bullshit.

That's something you can't change. You shouldn't have to change, because you are fucking gorgeous. The hard part here is instead of having the world immediately appreciate you as you are, you have to fight the hard fight. You have to face their preconceived notions and the passive aggressive cultural norms that, on one hand, say 'Everyone is beautiful!' but then on the other refuse to put women with deep black skin as leading ladies on TV. Lupita Nyong'o made a speech where she spoke about feeling JUST LIKE YOU and anyone with eyes can see that woman is a level of gorgeous few others compare.

So, now you have to be your own positive reinforcement, and that is hard. You have to know, despite the trashy treatment, you are worth more. You are not receiving it, but you are worth it. I wish I could help more, but know that you are not second class. You are not. Prove them wrong, for every one who doesn't appreciate who you are.

[missamanda123]

Beautiful!

[doireallyneedone]

I'm a non-black guy. This is the real honest no bullshit truth. I hope you get to see this.

It does have something to do with your skin color, but its not your race. Yes, generally due to Western Media etc, men find lighter skin tones more attractive.

Secondly and more importantly, African people are generally larger and more muscular than other women. Yes, I'm generalising here but based on my observation it is the case. So for African Men, this is a plus but not so much for African women. Think about it, Dark skinned African men who are tall and muscular, relatively do ok with the ladies right? While you have fair skinned Asian males that are at the bottom of the dating pool. Skin colour is not the reason reason right? Its the physicality and build. Black men are generally tall and muscular, while generally Asian men are not.

Ignore the bullshit about black women more dominant, too loud etc. That's mostly bullshit. Men are visual. We ALL know guys that have chased after loud, obnoxious bitches just because she was hot. It's about the appearance, not so much the attitude.

So unfortunately, its a difficult situation for you. The reality is you are not high up on the dating ladder. I don't mean to be harsh, but all the comments saying 'your beautiful etc' is a good confidence booster, I get that, but it doesn't actually help you at all.

So the advice I have, is to maximise the attributes that you do have. Go to the gym, try to get a slim/toned physique. Get some hair extensions. Try and dress in a feminine way. And maybe yes, you may have to lower your standards in men as well.

[doireallyneedone]

Oh and this might not be you, but look into Asian guys... They are at the bottom of the dating pool as well. Chances a lot of them are struggling just as much as you are. Don't discount them as an option.

[missamanda123]

Is 5'7 and 140lbs not slim enough? I already wear makeup and hair extensions. The only thing left is to drastically bleach my skin.

If I lower my standards even more than I won't even be sexually attracted to the men I date. As for going after Asian men, most want white girls

[doireallyneedone]

I know what I'm saying isn't what you want to hear, but I want to give you the no bullshit answer. And what I've said above, is the truth as far I'm concerned and also the opinion of probably most of my male friends as well. black women and Asian men are both at the bottom of the dating ladder. There is no doubt about that in my opinion. I'm an Asian guy, so I know that it can suck. The only thing we can do, is maximise what we do have and present the most feminine/masculine package we can - in some ways we need to 'over-present' if you know what I mean.

As for Asian men wanting white girls, that's what they say. But how well is that going for them? How many white female, Asian male couples do you see compared with the opposite? Basically they're having it tough too. They're probably thinking to themselves that they are too small, feminine for a black girl etc. Keep your options open.

[missamanda123]

I'm going to bleach my skin so that I can be very very fairskin. I don't want to have to keep getting rejected until I find that one guy who wants me. I want to be lightskin so I can have more options to choose from and so more white men will find me attractive

[juststrollin]

I dont think there's anything wronge with you... I am younger and I relaize that most cultures are taugh tto date inside there race due to pride and wanting to keep on there culture. SO men might date outside of there culture for fun but they feel obligated to stay withing there culture. Due to white washing, years of shaming, and harm that has been done to our people, I think concepts like that can be a bit harder.

We live in a society that has created there identity by bashing us. Lets face it, most other cultures dont let other cultures name them after a color. White people in america (All american) are just immigrated Europeans in a Native American territory that took someone elses country. (Without black people, how can there bw white people? or someone to compare to?). Also in a media by these white (all American or who dientify as white) that is structured to not only perouate white beauty standards etc and feed off of the black culture (borrow music style etc) to again... create a identity. We are fed happy but still degrade it.

The problem is I realized letting other people tell you what your beauty is and... listening to them. Black people, are exceptional people, no one else has our problems or strength and knows where to begin with us lol. We are exceptional and likely to be stronger because we are derived from the survivors... no other humans but our ancestors could withstand the coniditions of slavery. This goes to say we are the human example of survival to the fittest. But we are Africans whose ancestors got trapped in the US. We are African no matter what or how americanized we are.
About beauty... I have decided to wear my natural hair. No matter how persecuted we get and people are so astounded by it or confused. Its because out hair is the origin of everone elses hair. It has been proven that the first people are Africans. We are likely to be stronger because other cultures are evolved Africans.

[juststrollin]

here is a geneologist and his study to finding the original humans or The Journey of Man

documentary check it out :D He is widely credited and its always a interesting vid for people.

I dont care what people, especially white people who have a heritage built off of the killing of my people, think of my natural appearence. Barely any of us look African because of how unnattractive the slave owners thought we were, anyway. Segregation was just a excuse to hog wealth and resources. Like the Native Americans were savages, The African Americans were monsters and dangerous... which is why they killed and harmed both cultures.. starting to catch on?:) But all in all europeans were dying out and did not have adequate resources in Europe to sustain there people. Europeans on a global scale were a minorty to brown people. When people need to survive, brutal things happen and its not our fault. Its just that these people were more interested in wealth at all costs

[juststrollin]

link to the documentary:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dDXIX-y6aY

[Anonymous]

I think this has more to do with their ideas of your personality, than anything else. (Tho I do agree you really need to grow some hair if that's your picture up there.)
Feminine women and masculine men are most desired, while feminine men and masculine women are ignored.

Each race has a "dose of masculinity/femininity" as a whole. For example the idea is that Asians are the most feminine as a race, so Asian women are most desired, while Asian men are the bottom of the barrel among men.

Among blacks who are considered "low status" but most masculine as a race, Black men do away with some average success (because of the "low status" reputation), while black women are the bottom of the barrel just like Asian men.

When I say masculine I mean: aggressive, argumentative, independent, dominant, not to be messed with, cool, strong etc.
When I say feminine I mean: yielding, gentle, calm, sweet, deferring, peaceful, nurturing, sensitive etc.

We make snap judgments ALL the time trying to figure out a lot, based on little information. Something as silly as your skin color, hair color, or body language can make people build you a whole personality in their head.
If this is your problem and you are the typical dominant, in-your-face black girl I heard about, try to tone it down.

[missamanda123]

I am not a dominant in your face black girl.

More stereotyping

How can you say this is even typical? You mean to tell me that black women all over the globe act alike? A black woman in Ghana acts like one who lives in the USA or Tanzania?

Why do you continue to stereotype when most likely you've been provided with many examples that oppose your close minded views?

[Opinion Owner]

"How can you say this is even typical? You mean to tell me that black women all over the globe act alike?
Why do you continue to stereotype when most likely you've been provided with many examples that oppose your close minded views?"

What? Did you even read my comment properly?
Those are NOT my views. I WAS provided with exeptions to this stereotype.

And the fact that African women have no trouble with men speaks of culture and perception I wrote to you about!

In the American culture black girls are perceived as aggressive, so they suffer for it.
In African culture they have no problems because the PERCEPTION if different.

This proves what I was saying to you. It's not the color of your skin that makes you attractive/unattractive. It's how people use that skin color to make "snap judgements". If you show even a glimpse of your stereotype, they'll be prone to ignore you.

I am telling you about US culture.
Also note I lived there for 6 years growing up. I'm not American.

[chuppachup]

your skin is beautiful. don't let anyone or anything let you think any differently. unfortunately you are right though, about darker skin being seen as unattractive but that's because of years and years society and media feeding bullshit into all of our minds, like for example: white skin is more beautiful than any other skin colour and anything to do with africa is "animal-like" or second-class. which is 100% not true, your skin is amazing and just because other people don't like it doesn't mean that you're inferior or ugly, it makes you a goddess with the most divine colour ever, white is boring, it's everywhere. black is unique, black is night, black is the best colour to be. i know you probably won't take me seriously because i'm under 18 but you really need to start loving your skin and your African features. i don't know how else to tell you that you ARE beautiful, but you need to change your way of thinking about yourself otherwise people will believe that you are inferior and ugly because you act like that's what you expect.

[TheDevilInside]

Beauty has nothing to do with skin color. You're just finding excuses for it.
I once dated a very dark-skinned african-american guy. He showed me a picture of his aunt. My first reaction was: "dammit, your aunt is gorgeous!" And I thought "your family definitely have good genes.

Sorry to say this, but there are pretty people in every race and every skin color. There are also average and ugly people in every race and every skin color. Maybe it's your personality? People usually want to tem up with people with a bubbly personality, who are nice and smiley. Quit blaming your skin color.

[SweetNovella]

No... Not everyone has your mentality on "Every race has beautiful people." you might really be one of the people that are optimist but today there is a colorstruck epidemic in the world. Literally everywhere in the world. I'm just Sayin.

[Tractorbeam]

There is nothing wrong with you, but I believe you would look prettier if you grew hair on your head (if that's really your photo).
I don't know what you mean by "lower tier African American". Is there some sort of class structure in the USA? In my country, everyone has equal opportunity.

Are you aware that the most successful marriages in USA (least divorces) are between white men and black women? Most times when a man or woman is not getting much interest from the opposite sex, it comes down to body language. This explains it well www.amazon.com/Superdate-Tracey-Cox/dp/0756607558

It could be worth studying this, too
cdn.preterhuman.net/.../...20Love%20with%20You.PDF

[Anonymous]

I have read a lot of your questions and I want to be completely HONEST with you. In todays world a lot of men are very stuck up. Most of them prefer "bad bitches" aka the females you see in music videos. They are lightskin, long hair, hourglass body "perfect". Whenever a woman doesn't seem to fit this men can a lot of times be so stuck on their reputation/social media that they will refuse to date her just because. I went to a school where it is very diverse and I heard a lot of disturbing things. These guys joked about how they would never date an African girl. It was over stupid things like oh my kids not gonna have nappy hair, too dark. They are very judgmental. I'm not gonna lie, some men may feel embarassed to be with you because you are very dark. I've been judged by men on my appearance so I understand how it feels. You will find a man who will cherish you for who you are but it may take time. Dont lose hope (:

[missamanda123]

I'm starting to give up on dating

[LeeLFC]

This opinion is everything

[RationalLioness]

There's nothing wrong with you. Black women have been ostracized in many societies, but that doesn't mean that it's your fault or that you caused it.

There will also be people who don't prefer black women of any shade and that's their preference as long as it's not racist/bigoted.

It's okay. :)

[BigJake]

Grow up. Everyone gets screwed with/over in the dating field, so you're not special in that regard. No one is required to like or date you. Girls have to compete just the same as guys, and just as girls tell us guys to step it, the same applies to you. If you're not succeeding at dating, rather than blaming everyone else for it, examine yourself closely and identify how you might be able to improve your chances.

No one owes you anything. If white guys don't want to date you, date black guys. If black guys don't want you, date Latinos. And if Latinos don't want you, date Asians and Polynesians. Adapt and grow, but stop whining about your skin color and stop blaming everyone else for your problems.

[Anonymous]

Honest truth I think its your haircut. It makes you look a little like a Maasai herding girl. Guys don't usually wanna date girls who look like someone featured on National Geographic. I hope this doesn't offend you. I am sorry if it does. See if you could grow a thicker head of hair.

[XRabbitHeartX]

Maybe it's because you are from the USA. But I'm from South Africa and here it's pretty fair play. Black guys here seem to adore their women and they seldom even notice white girls such as myself. Lots of guys here are traditional and stick to their roots. Black women can be very sexy and beautiful. You're just in the wrong country.

[dev765]

It's very understandable why you have no motivation since the media treats black women very badly. I can honestly admit if I were in that position I probably would have thoughts of suicide. Black women have strong will power that most don't have.

[GreatnessPersonified]

" A non black guy was very interested, wanted to hold my books and escort me to my seat, and then BAM the next day he never spoke to me again."

Sounds like you're still in school. At school age, don't bother yourself with boys too much. To get the person you want in life, you have to find out who you are first.

That comes with experience and patience, neither most school age kids have... I hope.

[xPoison]

Love yourself girl! :) black is beautiful

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gpgplgYCLq8

[JustAnotherPassenger]

Mr. Technique lml You are right.

[xPoison]

@JustAnotherPassenger damn right :) love Immortal Technique 💋

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with you? The same thing that's "wrong" with most of us. We all face the same challenges you're talking about here. It's just that most of us don't blame them on our skin color.

[ObviouslyBored]

Wrong. Dark women areally notoriously bottom of the barrel in the dating world. That is a collective opinion, not everyone's opinion. Read the studies.

[beatblip]

I suggest you take a look at your personality. A black girl I know at college, dark skinned, was very attractive. She was also very intelligent.

[Pink2000]

C'mon. It's you again. So what you're dark big deal. There's gorgeous black women. Just stop doing that to yourself cause it's pathetic.

[hypno-trip]

We all experience rejection, it's a human thing not just a race thing, it happens to the best of us. I hope you find your peace

[hisexissex]

Race doesn't matter