me and my boyfriend have been dating for five months now. today, just like every other day, I went to see him after his last class of the day, AP calculus. he had a test today and I think he's a bad test taker because he seems to study the wrong things or forgets things suddenly, and he was really upset because he thought he failed the test. he told me that right after class. he's really hard on himself and he suddenly dropped his books and sat on the floor against some lockers and he was like, "i'm staying here. that's it. I'm done. I'm staying here." I reminded him he was going to miss XC and he would get kicked off the team and he was like, "i don't give a sh*t. I'm staying here." so I told him, "fine, if you're staying here, I'm staying here." I mean, I considered just leaving because I needed to catch my bus home, but he just seemed so... broken.
he started doing homework (by now he was completely freaking out, digging his nails into his textbook, in major anxiety-attack mode) and I told him to take a break and he told me to go to hell. I don't think he meant it because we really love each other. eventually, I realized that I couldn't do anything to help him and I love him so much, I started crying quietly because I didn't know what to do. I don't think he noticed at first.
i ended up sitting with him in total silence for two hours. eventually, he tried to take out the blade in his sharpener. my boyfriend has a history of self-injury, as do i, and I immediately knew what he was doing and snatched the sharpener away and threw it in a nearby garbage can (it was a little cheap one, nothing he couldn't replace...). I know I can' t stop him from cutting himself, but I CAN stop him if he's right in front of me, right? anyway, he cut his finger accidentally while trying to pry the blade out. he tried to go back to the required reading he was doing and I threw my arms around him, desperate to make him feel better. he told me to get off him and he was like, "you don't have to see this. I don't know why you're here, just go home. seriously, this is just me being p*ssy." and then he looked at me and tears were streaming down my face. I suddenly couldn't handle it anymore and quickly gathered up my books and went to my locker, then went home.
i sort of have a complex - I can't let him see me cry. my whole life I've had to prove to everyone I'm strong, and my boyfriend is no different. the fact that he saw me crying today makes me feel like my love for him is a weakness. I don't know what he's thinking or what may have happened - what should I do tomorrow? will he be upset with me? I think his whole problem is that he can't show emotion, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me like I need him. I don't know if I'm being clingy or whatever, but can someone please explain to me what's going through his mind? :(
he started doing homework (by now he was completely freaking out, digging his nails into his textbook, in major anxiety-attack mode) and I told him to take a break and he told me to go to hell. I don't think he meant it because we really love each other. eventually, I realized that I couldn't do anything to help him and I love him so much, I started crying quietly because I didn't know what to do. I don't think he noticed at first.
i ended up sitting with him in total silence for two hours. eventually, he tried to take out the blade in his sharpener. my boyfriend has a history of self-injury, as do i, and I immediately knew what he was doing and snatched the sharpener away and threw it in a nearby garbage can (it was a little cheap one, nothing he couldn't replace...). I know I can' t stop him from cutting himself, but I CAN stop him if he's right in front of me, right? anyway, he cut his finger accidentally while trying to pry the blade out. he tried to go back to the required reading he was doing and I threw my arms around him, desperate to make him feel better. he told me to get off him and he was like, "you don't have to see this. I don't know why you're here, just go home. seriously, this is just me being p*ssy." and then he looked at me and tears were streaming down my face. I suddenly couldn't handle it anymore and quickly gathered up my books and went to my locker, then went home.
i sort of have a complex - I can't let him see me cry. my whole life I've had to prove to everyone I'm strong, and my boyfriend is no different. the fact that he saw me crying today makes me feel like my love for him is a weakness. I don't know what he's thinking or what may have happened - what should I do tomorrow? will he be upset with me? I think his whole problem is that he can't show emotion, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me like I need him. I don't know if I'm being clingy or whatever, but can someone please explain to me what's going through his mind? :(
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