I broke up with my boyfriend but now I want to get back together....and he said no?!

[Anonymous]

I was feeling smothered by my boyfriend and had tried to talk to him on numerous occasions but nothing changed. I broke up with him feeling as though that was the only way I could get some space and he was absolutely heartbroken. After 2 weeks I had decided that I definitely wanted to sort things out with him but he has now said he doesn't know if us being together is the right thing anymore. It is now a week later and he has met a girl who he told me he thinks 'he could like her in that way but he isn't looking for a relationship, and that he isn't saying that to hurt me he is just being honest'. Nothing has happened between them yet but I don't understand how he can even contemplate liking someone else when I am not interested in other guys. Now there is one big problem, we are going on holiday together in a week with his family. They all still want me to go and he said he still really wants me to go too. He said he isn't saying he doesn't want to get back together with me, but that he doesn't know if we would end up breaking up again however far down the line because of the issues we have. That is fair and I understand that he needs time...but why involve another girl? If anything happens with them then that really will be one step too far...Overall we had a brilliant relationship and he was nothing but good to me. I am willing to put in all the effort needed to fix it so I don't understand how he can go from being so heartbroken and feeling like his life is over, to thinking we aren't right together anymore...I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

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Just to add, we were together for 2 years!

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Also, I am nit the kind of girl that thinks sleeping with my ex will get him back. But I do plan to torture him on holiday. My new underwear that he hasn't seen before will drive him mad...and best of all, I won't even let him near me.

[Tigerlily]

Okay well first up he may not be 'involving another girl' like you think he is, he may actually only have met her by chance. Perhaps someone else thought they'd introduce them as a way to soothe the pain of the breakup with you. How would it be 'one step too far' if something were to happen with them? You must remember, you broke up with him, therefore he's not your man anymore and you have no right to decide who he's with. It sucks but it's something you'll have to come to terms with.

Also, you say you don't know how he can think about liking someone else when you're not interested in other guys? The answer there is simple - he's not you. You're different people, you think in different ways, he doesn't have to always think the way you do.

Honestly, you're being selfish. Understandably you're hurt and confused, but you hurt him first. He needs to be able to get over that and heal, he has a right to get over it and heal, and what you're basically saying is that he can't do that. I'm saying this because in my last relationship, I was in the same position as him. My now-ex felt smothered by me, and I didn't really understand why and was completely heartbroken when he broke up with me. He told me it was over, we couldn't get back together, I should date other guys. I was destroyed and I still wanted him back. Occasionally, now that he was getting his space, he'd come back to me and decide to work things out (ie he was playing me for sex) just when he felt like it and I fell for it. Then he'd want to see other girls again so he'd run off and I'd be left crushed. Over time I began to realise that I didn't want to be with someone who felt smothered by me, I wanted to be with someone who'd appreciate my affection. And I didn't want someone who'd mess me around, dumping me and coming back to me when they saw fit.

And so literally, one morning I woke up and it was all out of my system - I realised I didn't want him back. He wanted to kiss me and I pushed him off. He apologised but looked at me suspiciously. I had a date with another guy, he said he was 'happy for me.' I had another date with the same guy, and then when he realised I was actually interested in this new guy, he went crazy at me. He seemed shocked that I'd actually got over him and that I didn't want him anymore. He'd started to get lonely and told me on a few occasions that he just wanted to be with someone, then later gave me a whole speech on how he'd realised what a stupid mistake he'd made because he'd never find someone who'd take care of him like I did. And I told him that was true, I had been nothing but good to him in the relationship. But I was sick of being messed around and that he had no right to just drop me and take me back as he pleased.

Do you see the similarities? He's right about not knowing when you'd break up with him again - all he's doing is protecting himself from getting hurt. You have to understand that. I'm also not sure showing him your underwear will do much

[Tigerlily]

For getting him back. It's manipulative... he might see it that you're inviting him to have sex, and then when you 'don't let him near you' he sees that you're playing games with him. It won't make you look more attractive to him, just fickle. I'd say don't go on the holiday with him because it'd be awkward... or if you must, do it like friends, keep your distance, and if he does want to come back to you, he'll do it on his own. Good luck.

[Asker]

He has already kissed me and tried it on but I told him that even though I want to sort it out I am not that girl. So he knows where he stands for the holiday. And we get on as friends still so it would be a shame not to go. Thanks for the advice!

[Tigerlily]

I don't mean to come across as harsh, I'm not trying to say you're a bitch - it doesn't sound like you actually MEAN to hurt him lol, but I just think that's what it probably looks like to him and that'd be why he's being the way he is. People are weird, I usually find it's easier to just accept that emotions make no sense than to try to understand them!

[emma3]

but it seems that you are now holding the grudge which is not going to help you in moving on. if you don't want to be with him, then do not go; if you still fell for him, then go and be honest with it. it doesn't matter how will it end, what matters is that it would help you in becoming more mature. just ask yourself how would you like him to treat you if the roles were opposite. take care of yourself, and don't try to hurt him more.

[Jocko]

HEs hurt because you dumped him for smothering you. I know that can be annoying,but its sorta like an insult. Like you don't appreciate his effort and affection. Some people handle break ups different just cause your sitting around doesn't mean he wants to,its a distraction for him. He sounds like he has fears of being alone .

[Italo_DiscoFever]

Bascially he's stringing you along.

Good Luck.

- Harvey D

[Italo_DiscoFever]

Why do that?

[Asker]

If he is stringing me along as you say, there is no harm in letting him see. Its over, so he may as well know what he missed out on!

[Italo_DiscoFever]

Then why go with him to this trip, I mean there's no point really. Its getting be awkward between you both.

[Asker]

No point in not going. We still get on well and his family all want me there, I said I would go and I won't go back on that. And it beats sitting in crappy English weather for 10 days!