I think it's a decision that every couple has to make for themselves. Whatever both partners can agree on is probably the right thing to do.
In my personal case, we had three options: both of us taking my name, both of us taking my wife's name or both of us keeping our names. These are the legal options in Switzerland.
The first of these options was ruled out pretty quickly. Not only did my wife not want to take my name (for ideological reasons I suspect), I also don't have a strong emotional connection to my last name. It's a very... bland name.
The second option mostly appealed to me. I like my wife's name quite a lot, especially because it is both a Korean AND a Swiss/German surname at the same time. So, that's pretty cool. On the other hand, I was a little worried about the big change - not emotionally, but administratively. All the people I would have had to tell about my new name, all the subscriptions and important registers (insurance, hospital, government etc.) I would have had to change... it seemed like quite a pain in the ass.
So, eventually we picked the rather boring third option of keeping our individual surnames.
However, the question is not completely settled because once we have children, we'll have to decide what surname they'll get. I'd like them to have my wife's name just because I think it's a cool name.
Either way, my wife and I still wanted to get married. Not only for legal reasons (those were important in our case) but also for emotional ones. As tacky as it may sound, being married does feel differently. I'm not saying that unmarried relationships can't last. In fact, I believe that works perfectly fine. But I still feel like now that I'm married, something deep inside and between us has changed a little bit. It's like the bond has become even stronger... and with it our trust and our love. At least that's how we feel about it.
Totally agree with your update - although it has nothing to do with my last name. My girlfriend and I met 12 years ago, have lived together for 10, and have three wonderful children together, the first two were unplanned surprises.
We have no desire to be married. We think what we have is natural and beautiful and would be diminished by a silly ceremony and an expensive ring.
For anyone for whom marriage is a religious sacrament, I have nothing but respect. However, as to the rest, marriage licenses are a dime a dozen. They had them out like candy.
Besides, anyone who need a permission slip from the state - the only "contract" that government, since no fault divorce, will NOT enforce - to make their relationship mean something probably has bigger problems with the relationship than they realize. It is a useless piece of paper that mostly gives the government standing to adjudicate property and visitation rights when a couple's eternal love is not eternal anymore.
What my girlfriend and I have is beautiful and frankly we are more devoted to each other than half of the married couples we know. Frankly, except in a religious context, at this point it is meaningless.
In my country, Georgia, Eastern Europe, as a rule women keep their last names. It’s something so natural to me that, to be honest, I would probably not be able to take my husband’s last name, if he was a foreigner. It’s so strange tradition. Georgians rarely to never do it. I would feel like I just lost my identity and I am not the person I am, I would feel really bad. I don’t know if there are people who understand this, but If he insists that I should take his last name, I might as well break up with him. I am willing to compromise on many things but not my last name. It’s our tradition to keep ours. Are there any men who understand this?
Tradition shows that women have always taken men’s last names over the years. No biggie. There’s 2 ways to look at it you could either say it’s not fair or you could see that it’d benefit you because you get a new last name and the man doesn’t. Feminism is wild these days (in my opinion). Everything is almost equal basically equal and fair ya. Some people want completely equal but every is fine now. The only thing that bugs me is the wrestling team for girls at my school. There is none. Otherwise ya gender roles. And girls should take men’s last name because yea they get a new cool name change.
Its completely up to the couple. I myself do not want to take my husbands last name for 2 reasons:
1. I work in academia and therefore have an established reputation as a researcher in journals.
2. I promised my grandmother before she died that I would keep my last name (as my father only had girls).
She will have to decide for herself.
I’ve already made the choice that I’m never going to take a man’s last name, simply because the only people with my last name are my immediate family. There’s only 4 of us, with only my brother and I being able to carry it on at this point.
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u 1. Obviously, it is the traditional way that things are done in Western European and American culture.
2. It certainly should not be a legal requirement. If a professional woman gets married and takes her husband's surname, I would advise her to continue practicing under her maiden name because her reputation and the clientele which follows her will be stronger if she always practices under the same name.
3. I want a woman who embraces most of our traditions so this would have some importance to me but I think people are quite variable on this issue. It just is not important to everyone.
4. It is something which should be discussed prior to a proposal. Afterwards is too late.
5. Most Western European countries no longer recognize common law marriage. Cohabiting will not confer any legal rights or obligations on you. Perhaps you already understand that as I think the term "common law partners" has a unique meaning in the UK.
Generally, yes.
My gal is a published academic under her present name, so it makes sense for her to keep it for work purposes once we've got married.
She'll change to my name for social purposes, though.
Not my business. I want my children to have my name though.
Only if she really wants to but she should consider all options.
It helps couples be closer together. She doesn't have to change her name if she doesn't want to. Actually it can be the husband changing if they prefer it that way.
up to the individuals. not for me to say
Generally speaking yes. If she expects the man to take charge, to protect and provide (and make no mistakes, she does no woman wants an egalitarian relationship (their is a reason why those tend to be sexless marriages and generally end in divorce)) and to be the man in the relationship then yes she needs to take his name, it is a sign that she is under his protection, that she is his responsibility and that her well being is dependent on him. Its a sign of respect to him for all the sacrifices he will make for her and if she cannot give that little bit of respect to him, then she does not deserve him. Now if she intends on a true egalitarian relationship, where she pays her half of the bills EVERY SINGLE TIME WITHOUT FAIL, where she gives EXACTLY what she receives and all tasks are split evenly, not based upon what she does or does not like to do but evenly i. e. she mowes the lawn and cleans the gutters as often as he does and she does just as much of what would generally be reffered to as the "mans job", then she should keep her name and him his. However that is not what we see in society and that's not what women want (statistically and anecdotally speaking) and as such she should take his name.
Waiting to see how all these hyphenated names work out. Gal hyphenates her last name (A) with his (B) and becomes A-B. Shildren get that last name. Daughter marries and becomes A-B-C, Unless she marries a guy who has a hyphenated name, in which case she becomes A-B-C-D. And so on. If you want a family to have the same last names, which is the least confusing, then the couple should just agree on one of the last names. If one is a known professional, that person should keep their name and the other should change.
I say yes she should. Men inherit a lot of risk, and not much tangible benefit, to getting married.
This is the ONE tangible thing that a man gets in a marriage (the woman taking on his last name).
If she says no to either taking his last name, or hyphenating the last names together (ex from Allie Mills, to Allie Mills-Swanson), she is being selfish as fuck and not thinking about what the man is getting in the marriage... which is a sign that she isn't marriage material anyways.
Well it's just a obsolete tradition, like marriage itself really. Kinda strange to want to marry but not follow all the traditions though. Guess it's the feminist mindset of picking and chosing what benefit themself, good luck in the divorce by the way. Back when girls where married into the mans family. At the same time, it make's sense that a married couple and their kids have the same last name, as a family. So i understand it's an issue, when both want to keep their name. Like you said, im not interested in marriage at all, since there is no point and only add problems if/when the couple split up.
If she wants to, sure.
I, personally, do not want to take my hypothetical husband’s last name. If it’s so important that we have the same last name, he can take mine.
It's up to each woman to decide for herself.
Somewhat unusually, my last name is hyphenated with my first and second husband's last-names. The reason being is because I wanted to have the same last name as my children and I have children by both men.
Yes, it's traditional and the way it should be. I took my husband's last name. I kept my first and middle name and took his last name. Our child has his last name.
In my area women always take the man's name sometimes putting her maiden name as her middle name.
If I were to get married to someone I would hope they take my name, or if they make it a problem then maybe I'll take theirs, but I just don't want to do the stupid hyphenated name shit. People should pick a name. If we had kids would they have to take a name like Stevens-Robertson? If my Stevens-Robertson son marries some uncomprising woman by the last name of Cruz-Johnston is their kid going to be named David Stevens-Robertson-Cruz-Johnston? Would they fight each other for whose last names get to come first? That just sounds like a viciously annoying world where the paperwork is as hellish as the unecessary arguments going behind the names.
Sure if she wants to. Or hyphenate. Or men sometimes take their wives names. Or sometimes couples create new last names.
I know of plenty of women who have a business and connections established in her maiden name for the sake of keeping business easy she just keeps her name when she gets married.
I think it’s up to the couple and dependent on the surname.
If my partner had a surname like “ballsack” I think anyone could understand reservations before jumping at that chance to change their name.
However, there are other scenarios. For instance, if you complete a PhD and then change your surname, the qualification is no longer valid with that name. I could understand someone not wanting to change their name for this.
If she wants to. It's a personal choice that can be influenced by a lot of factors. These days marriages are (or should/can be) equal and fair in other ways so I don't see any REAL reason for a woman to change her name, but I understand that it's tradition. If I get married I'll probably hyphenate my own last name with my husband's. It's important to me not to lose my own name.
I don't really mind either way, but I don't think it should be MANDATORY for a wife to take her husband's last name. That shows that the husband has at least some level of control over his wife, and I believe that both partners in a relationship should have equal levels of control.
I will not marry a woman who won't willingly take my last name because of what it says about her priorities, her world view and her attitudes toward men and marriage.
Marriage is already a super risky proposition for men today. The risks and costs to men are huge and the benefits for men have declined substantially over the last 50 years. Marrying the kind of woman who won't take the man's name is a huge red flag that signals a much higher likelihood of problems in the marriage.
I think, if kids are involved, then it is best to have a unified name to represent the family. This could be the husband's, the wife's or a hyphenated version.
My wife kept hers. We don't want or plan on any kids so it does not make a huge difference.
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