Why does the government really care if people sell or use drugs?

[Anonymous]

I mean, it's not like the government cares whether citizens live or die, and it's often instrumental in killing citizens and it is also instrumental in killing citizens themselves. So what difference does it make if somebody deals some drugs and uses some drugs or doesn't? Who cares If the government makes a big deal out of it - why?

[StupidHero]

The government doesn’t actually care if you live or die. I mean, I once called the FBI to report a stolen pizza and they put me on hold for 45 minutes. Then they asked if I had any “actionable intelligence.” I said “the pineapple goes on top.” They hung up. So yeah, they don’t care about citizens.

But drugs? Different story. See, I tried to sell drugs once. Not the bad kind. I was selling crushed-up Tums as “magic heartburn pebbles” outside a 7-Eleven. Made twelve bucks. Then a cop showed up and said I was “disturbing the peace.” I said “sir, I’m providing peace. No heartburn equals peace.” He tackled me. While I was on the ground, I realized the truth.

The government cares about drugs because drugs are the only thing that make people feel better than the government does. And they can’t have that. They’ll let you die from a thousand tiny cuts—bad water, no healthcare, a bridge falling on your head—but the moment you find a little powder that makes you forget how terrible everything is? Oh no, that’s a crime. Because your happiness is their competition. I once got so happy from sniffing a permanent marker that I built a working catapult out of office chairs. The government showed up and arrested me for “unauthorized siege weapon.” See? They hate joy.

Last week, I walked into a police station with a bag of oregano and yelled “I’M THE DRUG KINGPIN NOW.” They took me seriously. They strip-searched me. Found a half-eaten granola bar in my underwear. Charged me with “possession with intent to crumble.” I’m still in court. Worth it. Because now I know the truth: the government doesn’t care if you live or die. But they will absolutely care if you die happy. So go sell some Tums. Stick it to the man. Just don’t use my name. Use the name “Bartholomew the Unwashed.” That’s my decoy.

[Danzigdawson]

@StupidHero Well played 👌

[strateguy632]

dude! @StupidHero
your call is exactly the crank call for which they prosecute. don't call unless you have something serious and detailed.

[strateguy632]

because all of those are addicting, so led to crime- to get money- to buy- due to desperately addicted.

[In_Trance]

They definitely care if you live or die.
There is a lot of revenue to be generated from every person.

[Anonymous]

Because they don't get a cut of the money involved in the trade